In thinking it’s too soon for DD to be trying for a baby

[WinterAx]

My DD is getting married in September 2018 and whilst chatting today she mentioned how excited her and DF are to have a baby. When I mentioned this would not be for a while yet, she said they hope it’ll be shortly after their marriage if they’re lucky!

I have to admit I do feel a little disappointed. DD is only 24 and it seems such a young age to be intentionally trying for a baby. Her DF is quite a bit older (33) and I wonder this could be the cause of the sudden urgency. They’re a lovely couple, been together for 4 years, own a home together and have well paid jobs...so technically there is nothing wrong with it. I just feel it’s a huge waste of her younger years when she has plenty of time to think about having children.

I don’t want to upset her, but I also can’t help but want to give her my opinion. AIBU? Hearing your opinions and personal experiences would really help here!

[Orchidflower1]

She (dd) will prob already have picked up on your disapproving tone. So unless you want a problem arising- when there doesn’t need to be one, I’d keep your opinions to yourself.
Would you like her making choices for you?
Is there a back story- do YOU, op , regret when you had children?
Unless you are very close you risk causing a rift even before the wedding and that would be so sad.

[TammySwansonTwo]

YABU. I couldn't have kids when I was her age (at her age I was diagnosed with endometriosis and was very unwell for a long time - still am actually but long story). Instead by the time I had my twins I was 35 and my mum was already gone. We can't afford childcare for twins so by the time they're at school I'll be 40 and with minimal hope of getting back into a decent career (having been minimally self employed due to illness for six years before they were born). She'd still be young. I wish I had kids so much sooner.

[AiryFairy1991]

I was married at 23, started trying at 24 and had my DS at 25, 3 months before I turned 26. He’s literally the best decision I’ve ever made!

Alos when he’s 18 I’ll be 43 which, I’m sure most of you will agree, is still young enough to enjoy life!

[Thymeout]

I'm sure Op knows it's a decision for the couple, not her. That doesn't stop a mother worrying whether it's the right decision.

Op - I think the fact that they've been together 4 years is relevant here. It feels like the right time for them to move on to the next stage of their relationship. There are always different opinions about when it's the right time to have dcs. It's gradually changed over the years with women being able to have serious careers and wanting to be established in them before having dcs. But that has its downside, too, with the increase in fertility problems with older couples.

At least, she's getting married first with the financial security that gives her and will be able to have the advantages of having dcs younger. I had my first child at 26, and was considered 'an elderly primigravida', which seems ridiculous now, with women in their 40s having their first child. But women of her age do have more energy and are likely to have a smoother ride in conception, pregnancy and childbirth.

It's swings and roundabouts really. Depends very much on the couple's circumstances and, as you say, they're well set up to start a family. I think you're worrying unnecessarily.

[WinterAx]

Thanks everyone.

I’m in no way trying to be controlling or put a dampener on DD’s plans. I accept that for some people, having children at a young age works, but I’m just a bit concerned knowing DD.

As a couple they are always doing things, meals out multiple times a week, gym daily, seeing friends every weekend, nice holidays etc. I’m not sure she fully appreciates the fact that after a baby, all of this will be lost for the next 15 years or so.

[EvilDoctorHogmanayDuck]

But neither did I. I learnt very quickly. DS1 has grown up to be one of the funniest people I know. I don't regret a thing.

[JustHereForThePooStories]

OP, what age were you when your mother permitted you to get pregnant?

[PurpleDaisies]

I’m not sure she fully appreciates the fact that after a baby, all of this will be lost for the next 15 years or so.

Isn’t that the same for basically everyone?!

[MajesticWhine]

I would feel exactly the same as you OP, but it would probably be best to not voice your opinion and to trust your DD to make her own decisions.

[Aspieparent]

I don't think anyone fully appreciates how much you have to give up for a period of time while your children grow not matter what age they are. I really don't think anyone is ready to have children to the fullest extent. It's all a learning curve we all go though.

[PurpleDaisies]

People do still go on holiday with children.

[Itsnotmesothere]

WinterAx, we did all those things too as a young couple (which we still are)
We knew we would have to sacrifice that to an extent and so will your daughter. Adapting can be rough whether you are in your 20s, 30s or 40s. Most will admit to missing their child-free life just a little bit

[Hobbes8]

But that's all lost, or on hold for a bit, whatever age you have a baby. I'm not sure gym and meals out are more special at 24 than at 34.

[Doublechocolatetiffin]

I agree it’s none of your business. 25/26 is a perfectly acceptable age to have children. I hate current societies need to put off children so you can have ‘fun’ in your 20’s. She and her husband get to choose when to have a family. That may well make them happier than any amount of nice meals out and travelling.

I had my first at 32 and hopefully will have my second at 34. I’d have loved to have had mine earlier, but sadly my DH had interfering parents who told him to live his life and always said that children were too much for him so young (at 29 🙄). He this refused to start trying until later, it nearly broke our marriage. He absolutely adores our daughter now and our life together as a family. It’s a shame that we didn’t get to do this earlier, you can probably tell I’m still a bit bitter about his parents involvement in this. Don’t do that to your daughter. Be supportive of her decisions to have children at a sensible time in her life, with a supportive husband, her own home and financial security.

[Shain]

@ravingroo
Actually, what I'll want for my child is for them to lead a happy life which is fulfilled with all of their dreams coming true..
I'm sorry (well I'm not) that I lack a degree and a round the world ticket, but how dare you refer to my situation so crudely? 22 and knocked up by some older man?
That 'older man' happens to be my dear, dear partner who would move mountains to ensure my safety and happiness. We live in a big house, have stable well paying jobs, 2 nice cars parked on the drive, a massive loving family unit around us and everything we ever need to live a happy life and raise a family together. So tell me again how I should be off around the world partying, like the stereotype for my age group? In fact don't bother. Take your narrow minded judgement to a quiet corner and stew in your own juices because nobody else wants to hear your negativity :)
Every adult has the right to make their own choices and I think we've proved here that there are always gonna be people who judge and have an opinion (OP I'm looking at you too), so the best thing to do is ignore the negativity and leave the judgemental people to their devices because they're only making their own lives miserable. X

[Curious2468]

I'll be honest I don't understand the worry. We started ttc at 22 and I'm so glad we did because turned out we had dual fertility issues. It's far harder to conceive the older you are and there are also more risks. If she wants a family young then why not?

[IJustDontKnowAnymore1]

15 years?? My eldest is 4 and my DH and I go out for meals, to the cinema and we're both regular gym goers... fortunately we both have supportive
Grandparents and flexible work hours but life doesn't 'end' with children!

[TheGrumpySquirrel]

I'd rather have teens by 40 than toddlers. Wish I hadn't waited as long to try for this one. Had my dd age 18 and that had its own challenges but my life is amazing now. Being 24 is a great age to have kids. I'm worried about the physical impact of pregnancy and birth now I'm a lot older than I was last time (currently pregnant at 31).

[Tomselleckhaskindeyes]

She’ll be 25/26 when the child comes. My mum had me at 27 and she was seen as an older mum.

[JuicyStrawberry]

Bloody hell! YABsoooU!

[boosterrooster]

Yeah I'm with you. 24 is still quite young.

I'd want her to go on a few holidays and the likes, plenty of nights out, and have a good bit of fun for a few years before starting a family.

27/28 would still be good and young to start a family.

[Haudyerwheesht]

I won't lie and say the baby years with ds were tough because he never slept but other than that including then dd was tiny we still ate out, visited friends, went on holiday, etc etc and that's with no family help at all because we live far away. I was clueless when I had ds - had never even held a baby!!! We coped!

[Donnerkebabbler]

Be careful not to become the mother/in law oft talked about on mumsnet. Back right off

[Haudyerwheesht]

*werent