In thinking it’s too soon for DD to be trying for a baby

[WinterAx]

My DD is getting married in September 2018 and whilst chatting today she mentioned how excited her and DF are to have a baby. When I mentioned this would not be for a while yet, she said they hope it’ll be shortly after their marriage if they’re lucky!

I have to admit I do feel a little disappointed. DD is only 24 and it seems such a young age to be intentionally trying for a baby. Her DF is quite a bit older (33) and I wonder this could be the cause of the sudden urgency. They’re a lovely couple, been together for 4 years, own a home together and have well paid jobs...so technically there is nothing wrong with it. I just feel it’s a huge waste of her younger years when she has plenty of time to think about having children.

I don’t want to upset her, but I also can’t help but want to give her my opinion. AIBU? Hearing your opinions and personal experiences would really help here!

[WeAllHaveWings]

She’s a (soon to be) married adult who is financially stable and I assume emotionally mature (having achieved so much at 24). It is her decision, so look forward to gpbeing a granny!

I’m not sure she fully appreciates the fact that after a baby, all of this will be lost for the next 15 years or so.

Not necessarily, I see young woman in my work still having a very full life doing the gym and meals out with relatives/friends babysitting, babysitters, having friends over instead, even after sleepless nights!. It all depends on her outlook, energy and support network which generally are much better at 24 than 34!

[pallisers]

agree with others. You cannot say this to her and it isn't your business. She is an adult woman and plenty old enough to have a baby.

That said, I'd be a bit sad if either my son or my daughters had their first child at 24/25 when they are just married. I'd be thrilled too - a baby would be lovely but I loved those years dh and I had from 24 to 30 going on holidays, meeting friends, doing stuff, being free to change countries, change jobs, meet friends, expand out careers. Doesn't matter what anyone says, having a baby changes everything (or should) and your life will never be the same - it may be better - but that carefree, worry-free life won't come back. And for a lot of women, their careers/jobs are stymied.

I have 3 lovely children in their teens/early 20s and I worry every single day about every one of them. It is like having 3 hearts walking around outside your body, and not subject to your control but completely vulnerable. I'm glad I got to completely grow up myself and enjoy being an adult for a while before taking on the joy and worry of having a child.

[Ohmyfuck]

Yes! You ARE being unreasonable! Why not just be happy for her? She's not 16 and she's in a stable relationship and excitedly telling her mum of her plans. What's the problem? Bizarre.

[pallisers]

dont infantalise her

I don't think wishing a woman would wait to become a mother is infantalising her (control of fertility was one of the most empowering things that happened women). Being a mother has an enormous effect on a woman's life - much more so than becoming a father has on a man's - physically, emotionally, and financially. It isn't unreasonable for a mother to wish her adult daughter would enjoy being a care-free adult for a while longer - that isn't infantalising in my view just an adult woman understanding a bit more about the consequences of motherhood than someone who hasn't experienced it yet.

[OkPedro]

pallisers Totally agree. I wish I had listened to my own mother when she told me how hard and demanding being a mother was. I was 25 when I had my daughter. Funnily enough her dads life didn't change all that much. He's excelled in his career.. me, not so much
I'll tell my dd that there is a whole lot more to experience in life than being a parent

[gettingannoyedwiththisnow]

I had my first child at 18, second child at 19 and I'm now pregnant with my third child at 24.
They all have the same father, who I have been with since I was 15. We married in 2015.

I am happy I had them young - it means I get to spend more time with them, and I will still be young enough for my own life when they are a bit older.
It also means my mum can be with her grandchildren for longer.

[notgivingin789]

They all have the same father, who I have been with since I was 15.

Is that suppose to be some sort of an achievement ?

[tallwivglasses]

My dd had her first at 20, her 2nd at 25. It was the making of her. And as an older parent myself I'm thankful that she's given me more time on this earth with my beautiful grandchildren. Embrace it!

[gettingannoyedwiththisnow]

@notgivingin789

Well around here there are not many people I know who's children have the same father.

[RavingRoo]

I am happy I had them young - it means I get to spend more time with them, and I will still be young enough for my own life when they are a bit older.
Women who have kids young often don’t get their own life when they’re older, because their daughters also have kids young and require support. Those who can’t work or go to uni don’t even have the opportunity to up their earning potential. Example: I out-earn several colleagues who took career breaks / reduced hours from 18-35, and will out earn them if I ever have a child (am in my late thirties).

[AReindeerNamedDave]

NotGiving - I think it's supposed to be a statement of fact.

WinterAx - you're entitled to your own private opinion, but if you share it with your daughter, it's fairly likely that a) she'll ignore it and b) it'll cause problems between the two of you. It's her life and her decision. Don't risk scuppering your relationship.

[RavingRoo]

@tallwivglasses - giving birth, something any fertile woman can do, was the making of your daughter? Really? Is that the only thing she was good for?

[notgivingin789]

But getting what’s the shame in having children with different fathers ? Around where I live, some women are willing to stay in shitty relationships with shitty fathers for the sake of their kids having the same dad. It’s like wearing a badge of honour (all my kids have the same dad)... it ain’t. Do you think the man really cares ?!

If I met a woman, whose subsequent children do not have the same fathers as her first, I will think, good for her. She has the ability to move on.

[OkPedro]

I think I've become very cynical since I had children. I was fed the lie that having children completes you, makes life better and is the "making of you"
Actually that isn't the reality for a lot women. However if you have lots of money, a lot of family support and a supportive partner then I can see how being a parent is easy no matter what age you are.
I have two dc, I love them and I'm glad I had them but if I'd known? Well...

[princesssparkle1]

What age did you start a family @WinterAx

[ItsChristmoose]

I'd feel the same OP but it's her decision and I think you'd be way overstepping the line to comment with your thoughts.

[RestingGrinchFace]

Actually she only has two years before her fertility starts to decline. At 26 onwards the likelihood of congenital problems and complications during birth start to rise. At 35 chances of getting pregnant drop massively. Then of course having children takes a lot of energy which also will start to decline soon. If they are able to provide for their children then sooner they start the better. By the time she has finished having children (especially if she has many or larger age gaps) she could be entering an age where it is less than ideal to be having them. This is of course assuming that they are both healthy and have no issues conceiving, carrying to term etc. It sounds like your sister is being imminently practical and you are a bit jelous perhaps?

[Anniethinggose]

She's doing everything 'by the book': long term relationship, career, marriage, yet you still think she's not ready.
She wouldn't even be a younger mum and that's if she falls pregnant very quickly.
Having children doesn't mean you stop going to the gym and on holidays, either.
Yabvvvvu.

[OkPedro]

restingGrinchface its the ops daughter who is getting married and planning a baby soon after

[Bobbiepin]

I’m not sure she fully appreciates the fact that after a baby, all of this will be lost for the next 15 years or so.

Not necessarily, I have a 9 week old and since she was born my DH and I have been able to go out for meals, (admittedly lunch is easier than dinner) I go running and to the gym and we enjoy time out individually and together. I can leave DD at home with DH and go out by myself or we all go together. Yes it's tough but I am not much older than your DD and having a good support system makes it possible. It's so important for her to feel like she has her mother's support.

[RadioGaGoo]

The OP asked for opinions and personal experiences MiraiDevant, so I'm not sure why you feel the need to call postets 'stupid' and 'unhelpful' for giving her what she asked.

In my experience, I have had my first LO at 38. I wish I had been younger. I spent all my 20 and 30's building my career and I will be going back part time, which is likely to be stressful (deadline oriented daily) as well as stifle my chances of promotion and progression in my field. If I had my children younger, I could have concentrated on building my career in my 30's and it would have more progression and longevity into my 40's/50's future.

[harrietsoton]

OP, I’m SURE you weren’t a perfect parent when you were trying to conceive, or had everything figured out either.....why can’t you extend the same courtesy to your daughter?

Her situation is hardly awful

[BoredOnMatLeave]

I'm surprised she told you to be honest, I didn't tell my mum we were TTC, that's quite private.

Oh and we started TTC when I was 23 so you probably feel like I wasted my youth on my beautiful daughter 😞

[Readermumof3]

@Nifflerbowtruckle 💕

What age did you have your DD at OP? I am at this thread for some of the pronouncements on it. I married my first serious relationship, met at 15, married at 22, first of 3 dcs at almost 30. I had a steady career at 24...now in a promoted post in the same profession. Currently planning our silver wedding party.

And FWIW I wish I'd started a family sooner....we'll have 2 teens and a 9 year old at our silver wedding -just realised at my folks silver wedding they had 2 independent 20 something's as dc jealous 😂