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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In thinking it’s too soon for DD to be trying for a baby

331 replies

WinterAx · 30/12/2017 22:31

My DD is getting married in September 2018 and whilst chatting today she mentioned how excited her and DF are to have a baby. When I mentioned this would not be for a while yet, she said they hope it’ll be shortly after their marriage if they’re lucky!

I have to admit I do feel a little disappointed. DD is only 24 and it seems such a young age to be intentionally trying for a baby. Her DF is quite a bit older (33) and I wonder this could be the cause of the sudden urgency. They’re a lovely couple, been together for 4 years, own a home together and have well paid jobs...so technically there is nothing wrong with it. I just feel it’s a huge waste of her younger years when she has plenty of time to think about having children.

I don’t want to upset her, but I also can’t help but want to give her my opinion. AIBU? Hearing your opinions and personal experiences would really help here!

OP posts:

goose1964 · 31/12/2017 21:58

RI was 24 married to a 33 year old when I had my first, by no means did I feel too young. Now have 3, children and 4 grandchildren,and were still married

goose1964 · 31/12/2017 21:58

We're not were

buttfacedmiscreant · 31/12/2017 22:40

that's about how old we were and things worked out great for us. It means we still have plenty of time to travel and things once our kids have both left home.

user1468353179 · 01/01/2018 00:07

I was married with two kids at 24, it' s her business, not yours.

NoFucksImAQueen · 01/01/2018 01:58

If I had a daughter, at 22-24 I’d want her to be a year out of uni or education or travelling, basically enjoying life. Would not want her knocked up with an older man who has done all of that already and basically stolen her youth and opportunities so she never even got the chance

I do have a DD and at 22-24 the only thing I'll want her to be is happy.

ItsChristmoose · 01/01/2018 13:03

I think a lot of people are naturally defensive on this topic but see the reality of so many women's lives financially on here, tied to not so great men, and that is the simple reason I want my DD's to make sure they have options. Not many pregnant 24yr olds do. So then they are reliant on having chosen a good partner. They are staring down the barrel of meanial jobs and reliance on a man for at least their children's first 18yrs. There are some exceptions to that but not many. Just take a look at all the threads on mumsnet. A lot of the problems come back to a woman's lack of choices. I have 4 small kids and a full time job that affords me to leave overnight if I want or need to. I started having kids at 31. If I'd had a baby at 24 my life would be deeply, deeply different. Which is why I had a termination at that age.

Aspieparent · 01/01/2018 13:44

Although I see what you are saying itschristmoose it's not always that way. I have 3 dcs and the reason I don't have a career is because I have dcs with sen. This means I am not in any position to leave anytime I want to if i wanted to due to lack of finances.
There's so many different outcomes that can become from one choice. You never know what's in front of you what tough things life is going to throw at you. You just have to keep making the correct choice you feel are best for yourself. If the op dd wants to ttc that's her choice to make.

ItsChristmoose · 01/01/2018 13:46

I completely agree that it's her decision. I just do think a lot of women sleepwalk into a vulnerable position.

Enidthecat · 01/01/2018 13:46

Why does having a baby at 24 mean you'll end up in a menial job?

Thehogfather · 01/01/2018 13:58

christ again, generalising. I'd say on here it is more common to see the negatives of being older, fertility issues, women struggling to have full term healthy pregnancies, women who left great careers just as they reached their prime and are now unable to get back in etc. That doesn't mean only negatives exist if you wait.

Also not surprising people are defensive, I'm sure if I started making ridiculous statements about how at 31 you were too old, listing only the disadvantages and making silly generalisations you would want to correct anything so stupid.

At 31 when you were coping with a newborn I was enjoying the freedom of dd starting secondary, at 34 when you were at toddler stage and all that encompasses I've got a large degree of freedom and my career is definitely benefitting from not taking a break now. It wouldn't prove younger is best for everyone anymore than your experience proves older is better. All it proves is that everyone is an individual.

I also think using mn to jump to conclusions is very misleading. Most of the threads about people exhausted by babies/ toddlers aren't from young mums. That doesn't lead anyone with half a brain to think older mums are all so geriatric they can't cope with dc. All it does is indicate the average age of parents with young dc on mn.

Confusedbeetle · 01/01/2018 14:04

You must never say anything. All women want pregnancies to be welcomed by family. My own mother thought we were too young and it was too soon after marriage. I was 24 and this was 43 years ago. I never quite got over it even though she was thrilled when the baby arrived. Whatever you feel just zip it. the only time you can offer advice is if it is asked for. Most of us set off a little naive. My 4 have given me 10 grandchildren and we are fine. Dont upset her

ItsChristmoose · 01/01/2018 15:22

Sorry I should have said that the majority of mums around me recently have had the same issues. None saying they want to leave their husbands but all complaining about no choices, work not being possible as not earning enough for childcare, same story over and over.

It is a generalisation but having a baby is the one thing that will limit a woman instantly. It's not always the case, and with a good partner it's not necessarily an issue at all but it's certainly worth considering when making your own decisions in life.

34weeksAndCounting · 01/01/2018 15:29

Why is everyone so rude in their responses? I totally understand what you're saying OP and really you just wanted a bit of reassurance and solidarity from this post, but instead people are sadly very rude and tell you how controlling you are etc. I'm 28 pregnant with my 3rd child. I got married at 24 as well and was pregnant 5 months later as we wanted to start a family young. I have no regrets and feel that my husband and I made the most of our relationship pre children.

My dad would have said exactly the same things as you and no he wasn't trying to control me or be unreasonable, he was looking out for my best interests as I am his child and wanted to make sure I wasn't making a mistake. Is this not what parents do??

Pibplob · 01/01/2018 15:38

25/26 is not too young to have a baby. It's a perfect age really. Can be done by age 30.

Carriecakes80 · 01/01/2018 17:24

Aww, like you have any kind of say in it! ;-)

I had my DS1 when I was 17, working full time, lost my partner suddenly when my DS2 was born, and despite the initial heart break and loss, I had the best years of my life to dedicate to my two sons! I had bags of energy, loved my job, but adored 'growing up' with my two children!
When I married and got pregnant with my DD1 & DD2 IN MY MID 30'S, I could only pray and reminisce about the energy I had had in my 20s! Horses for courses of course, but if your DD is happy, leave her be. Your time to manage her life has been and gone, now its her time to be the adult and make her own choices, let go of the reins and enjoy!

Madratlady · 01/01/2018 17:25

I had my children at 23 and 25, both very much planned.

Yabu.

Madratlady · 01/01/2018 17:25

I had my children at 23 and 25, both very much planned.

Yabu.

KindergartenKop · 01/01/2018 17:29

I had one at 26 and one at 29. It's all done and some of my friends haven't even started. If she wants kids and isn't bothered with travel etc then why put it off? I'd imagine a pregnancy in your mid 20s is going to be easier and less likely to carry risk than in your late30s.

browneyes77 · 01/01/2018 17:30

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the OP to be a bit concerned, it’s her daughter after all. And it will become her business if her daughter wants her to help out with babysitting at any point!

However, I don’t think you can tell her you think she’s too young, that isn’t fair. Yes she’s young but not a child and you have to leave her to make her own decisions. She’s an adult, albeit a young one and if she’s old enough to commit to marriage then she’s old enough to consider having a child.

ButchyRestingFace · 01/01/2018 17:33

I have sooooooooooo read this OP before. 🤔

That one got told to wind the old neck in too.

boloriabullet · 01/01/2018 17:37

If I’d have waited until later to have my children, I wouldn’t have had any children. YABU I’m afraid.

Tistheseason17 · 01/01/2018 17:39

OP please read your post again.
Your DD is in a happy settled relationship of 4 yrs and getting married.
I'm sure you brought her up well and she has thought this through.
Be proud she is happy - that's a wonderful achievement and welcome your GC when they come.

Think it but don't say it as these are decisions for her and her DF to make and you don't want bad feeling unnecessarily x

BakedBeans47 · 01/01/2018 17:41

I’m not sure she fully appreciates the fact that after a baby, all of this will be lost for the next 15 years or so.

But then if you have them older that still applies. I am in my mid 40s and my children are both still in primary school. I don’t regret having them when I did but if I had had them younger I’d just be enjoying the freedom now as opposed to before I had them.

sassyannie · 01/01/2018 17:42

My husband was my first serious partner, met when I was 21 and he was 10 years older. Had three children (first when I was 28). All I am saying is that nobody knows what lies ahead. I was widowed at 49 and know many other widows who were in their thirties when widowed with and without children, so let her get on with it!

newshiny · 01/01/2018 17:54

I married at 23 and had #1 before we were married a year. Didn't live together before or anything.
If it's what she wants, please support her.

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