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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking it’s too soon for DD to be trying for a baby

331 replies

WinterAx · 30/12/2017 22:31

My DD is getting married in September 2018 and whilst chatting today she mentioned how excited her and DF are to have a baby. When I mentioned this would not be for a while yet, she said they hope it’ll be shortly after their marriage if they’re lucky!

I have to admit I do feel a little disappointed. DD is only 24 and it seems such a young age to be intentionally trying for a baby. Her DF is quite a bit older (33) and I wonder this could be the cause of the sudden urgency. They’re a lovely couple, been together for 4 years, own a home together and have well paid jobs...so technically there is nothing wrong with it. I just feel it’s a huge waste of her younger years when she has plenty of time to think about having children.

I don’t want to upset her, but I also can’t help but want to give her my opinion. AIBU? Hearing your opinions and personal experiences would really help here!

OP posts:
OVienna · 01/01/2018 19:27

There was also a girl when I was in banking who started her family at 26. It worked for her to continue in her career - so not all bad - but her DP was a very high earner so they could cover nanny costs without concern. It's not something she could have eased back into later.

She was the youngest in the ante natal classes by five to eight years and found that quite isolating but had a better network later on with subsequent children.

FaveNumberIs2 · 01/01/2018 19:30

Not your place to be commenting on her choice of time to have a baby. If you want to lose your daughter, carry on. If you want her to be happy with her own little family, bite your lip and keep your thoughts to yourself. She’s a grown up, she’s getting married, she already owns her own home, that’s a hell of a lot more than most young parents out there.

Bbbbbbbb2017 · 01/01/2018 19:31

I am 24. Had my first at 21 second at 23. Wouldnt change it for anything

MrsBartlettforthewin · 01/01/2018 19:34

She's in a loving relationship, they're getting married, you like him and they have already been together for four years. I really don't see the issue with them trying for a baby straight away. Plus just because she is young doesn't mean it will all happen quickly and go to plan. I got married at 21 and we started trying pretty much straight away I was 24 before I had my first DD due to fertility issues that I didn't know I had until we started trying for a baby. Just think about how lush it will be to see your DD become a mother and the new bond it will build between the two of you unless you become super involved and over critical of her parenting then you'll probably see very little of your DD or the baby

Woolfrai · 01/01/2018 19:35

Some of the posts on here have been so condescending. I can assure previous posters that when I married at 24 my
33 year old husband didn't steal my youth and he wasn't my school boyfriend either (although, I'm not sure what is entirely wrong with the latter?).

I had travelled by that age. I was established in my career and financially stable too. I had bought my first house.

I'm not sorry that I don't comform to some of the previous posters views of a 24 year old. I am sorry that I didn't start trying for children earlier. I would, in an instant, trade my travelling for the chance of a family. I don't wake up, crying, thinking about the holiday that I can't have because I'm saving for IVF - I wake up, crying, thinking about the possibility that I'll never be a Mother.

TheHumanSatsuma · 01/01/2018 19:36

Absolutey none of your business.
Their family, their business. They have been together 4 years.

I had the flip side of this in the 70’s, in an unhappy marriage at 20 being grilled by his family as to why I hadn’t “fallen” yet.

Each couple is different, we cannot rule our children’s lives.

YABVVU

TheHumanSatsuma · 01/01/2018 19:39

In a second, happy, marriage I had 2 children, when I was 31 and 35.
For me, this was right. For a friend who is still only 29 and has a 10 year old and an 8 year that was right.

spangles1963 · 01/01/2018 19:49

I understand your concern OP,but 24 (probably more like 25/26 by the time she actually has a baby) is not excessively young to be trying for/having a baby! So many young women nowadays put it off and then get to their late 30s then find they have trouble conceiving. IMO it's better to find that our while you're still young enough to try to do something about it.

DistanceCall · 01/01/2018 19:56

I also can’t help but want to give her my opinion.

You can't help feeling that. You can help actually giving her your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

Say nothing unless you are asked.

pestov · 01/01/2018 19:56

No matter how you feel about her age and missed opportunities, make sure you have a full and frank conversation about childcare, especially if you're not planning on providing 60 hours a week for free for her. Everyone I know who had kids under 30 have had some sort of support from one or both sets of GPs. Also, the vast majority with a less than 2 year gap (the rest are SAHMs), including one who didn't tell her Mum that she was TTC right away and then was screwed when Granny couldn't cope with 2 under 1 for 50 hours a week. Despite what she says or you read in the media, you are not obligated to give free childcare so she can work! There is a real sense of entitlement amongst millennials in this area, and she may well assume she can afford a baby with your help.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 01/01/2018 19:59

She’s been with him 4 years and feels ready. It’s a very good time to have children. Wish I could have had them at that age. You have plenty of time to then enjoy life later.

SuspiciouslyMinded · 01/01/2018 20:07

YANBU to want to talk to her. In any healthy mother-daughter relationship it should be possible to talk about important, life-changing decisions openly and honestly. It is ultimately her decision, though.

However, if I were you I’d also gently break the subject of whether your daughter is expecting you to be heavily involved in childcare and babysitting - should she want to have a full career or frequent nights out. If so, then it is obviously not true that her decision to have a baby so young is none of your busines (and yes, 24 is very young to start a family these days).

I hope you can work it out and talk about it sensitively and honestly, without anyone getting offended.

rachelkanga · 01/01/2018 20:22

Always remember my mum telling me that I had my daughter to soon after marriage. I met hubby at 20. Got engaged at 22, married at 26 and had dd1 at 28 and dd2 and dd3 at 30. My mum was only 23 when she got married, 25 when she had me and 27 when she had my sister. I think she was more upset at becoming a grandparent in her 50's. It was my decision at the end of the day and did not have anything to do with her. I am now 46 and eldest dd1 turned 18 yesterday and twins soon to be 16. My sister is now 44 with a dd1 aged 10 and ds1 aged 8. I am getting my life back when I am still young enough to appreciate it. Everybody is different and I am happy with the age I chose to have my children.

April229 · 01/01/2018 20:30

None. Of. Your. Business.

You are being unreasonable.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 01/01/2018 20:35

YABVU!
It's absolutely none if tour business.
I had a baby at 24, finished university with my daughter and now I'm in a happy well paid job. This is probably down to my mum being supportive and a good example...

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 01/01/2018 20:35

YABVU!
It's absolutely none if tour business.
I had a baby at 24, finished university with my daughter and now I'm in a happy well paid job. This is probably down to my mum being supportive and a good example...

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 01/01/2018 20:39

Ps life doesn’t end with children, have them close in age, the first 5-6 years are hardest then you’ll be able to help babysit so they can get out for nights out. It’s hardly the end of the world not going out all the time. You then have other things in your life which are your children.

Arkenfield3001 · 01/01/2018 20:53

Oh gosh hun! Relax - it takes the average couple 2 years to conceive after getting married as most ladies are so full of contraceptives. Be happen they’re even getting married in this day and age. I was 34 with I had my DD, 35 when I had my DS and wanted to be 40 with our 3rd but had a miscarriage so now I’ll be 41 when our third baby is born . Yes I had a great life in my 20s but if I had met my husband and married at 21 and the baby when I graduated at 23 I could now be enjoying life with teenagers and go on a child-free cruise at 50. As it stands my youngest will only be 9..,

PurpleDaisies · 01/01/2018 20:59

Relax - it takes the average couple 2 years to conceive after getting married as most ladies are so full of contraceptives.

Have you got a link for that statistic?

kiloh · 01/01/2018 21:19

At 24 in a loving and stable relationship?! ...you don’t know the future she may have problems ttc and this may be the best time to start trying, start now and she could carry on with her career without age and exhaustion holding her back, are you happy about the marriage?

SuspiciouslyMinded · 01/01/2018 21:25

Sarahrelly, how can you say it’s none of OP’s business if you admit yourself that your own early motherhood was happy because of your mum being supportive? If having a baby in any way involves the baby’s grandparents, then of course it’s their business!

jojo1717 · 01/01/2018 21:37

In your place, I would feel too young to become a grandmother... There is no contraceptive method to avoid this, so go with the flow. My mother had me at 24, making her mother a grandmother at 47 - all normal at the time. In contrast I waited until 35 and 41, but in retrospect must say I was lucky with getting pregnant easily. Starting earlier means she has the option to have 3 or 4 children if she likes without the pressure of spacing so closely. There are O many pros and cons but this seems all fine overall in her case.

one2three4five · 01/01/2018 21:41

I started trying for a child at 24, then had my DS at 25, and have been trying for a second child for three years. I am now 30, and I have just been diagnosed with secondary infertility, and after various tests, have been told that realistically I have a less than 5% chance of having another baby without IVF. So if I had waited a few years, then I may very well have ended up with no children at all. You cannot take fertility for granted, it's not as simple as just wanting a baby and getting one when you want it. So from my perspective and with my experience, you are being very unreasonable. If your daughter is in a good position and wants a baby then why would having a baby be a bad thing? It may not happen for years anyway, I'm still young and healthy and there's a 95% chance that I won't have another baby, even though DH and I desperately want one. I wish it were as simple as just wanting one!

Thehogfather · 01/01/2018 21:49

pest way to go with your generalising. Every 38+ first time mum I met for the first 5/6yrs of dd's life were all very reliant on others, with constant pity parties about how exhausted they were. And don't get me started on the entitled lazy arses who thought that as a lp with no support I should cooperate with their self appointed right to first dibs on work rotas cos they were overwhelmed by pt work & kids, or provide free childcare. Or the way they relied heavily on quite elderly parents & couldn't cope without hubbykins even overnight.

But it never crossed my mind their entitled and general weak minded attitudes were a related to being older mums. Rather, if they'd had kids early they'd be the entitled young mums in your anecdote.

keffie12 · 01/01/2018 22:02

Keep your mouth shut: it's none of your business. We can not live our adult children's life for them.

She is in a stable long-term happy relationship. Stay out because if you don't your relationship will be affected. She needs support not opinions. Its not as if she is planning a baby with a chaotic life style. She is happy and stable.

Nothing to say she will get pregnant straight away and if you open your mouth she wont turn to you to talk to you about anything.

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