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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In thinking it’s too soon for DD to be trying for a baby

331 replies

WinterAx · 30/12/2017 22:31

My DD is getting married in September 2018 and whilst chatting today she mentioned how excited her and DF are to have a baby. When I mentioned this would not be for a while yet, she said they hope it’ll be shortly after their marriage if they’re lucky!

I have to admit I do feel a little disappointed. DD is only 24 and it seems such a young age to be intentionally trying for a baby. Her DF is quite a bit older (33) and I wonder this could be the cause of the sudden urgency. They’re a lovely couple, been together for 4 years, own a home together and have well paid jobs...so technically there is nothing wrong with it. I just feel it’s a huge waste of her younger years when she has plenty of time to think about having children.

I don’t want to upset her, but I also can’t help but want to give her my opinion. AIBU? Hearing your opinions and personal experiences would really help here!

OP posts:
DreamyMcDreamy · 31/12/2017 12:34

I’m with you OP. 24 is so young! She’ll miss out on other experiences...

How on earth is 24 too young to start trying? She'll realistically be 26 - 27 before having a baby!
Married,so in a stable relationship to boot.
Miss out on other experiences? 24's plenty of time that she could have been partying, travelling beforehand for example.
Anyway, the point being missed by some is she's a GROWN MARRIED ADULT. Not even a teenager!
So is entirely her choice, and absolutely nothing to do with what mummy thinks.
I'd lay off your opinions around her, as if she does have a baby with that attitude you'll probably be pushing her further away if you carry on.

HamishBamish · 31/12/2017 12:41

I was married when I was 30, but it was another 8 years before I had my first child. Sometimes things can take longer than you expect.

I think early to mid-20's is a great time to start a family. If it's what they want then you should be supporting them.

peachgreen · 31/12/2017 12:54

@Thehogfather Totally after. I'm 33 and about to have my first, and I can see pros and cons both for having kids earlier and waiting longer. If I'd met DH in my 20s we'd have had kids then and embraced the extra energy, better physical fitness and opportunity to have more time post-kids to travel etc. If DH wasn't older than me we'd be waiting a bit longer until we're more financially stable and doing some more travelling and adventuring first. As it is, this is the right time for us and only we could make that decision.

There are advantages and disadvantages to both and always will be. There is no universal perfect time - only a time that feels right to you.

peachgreen · 31/12/2017 12:55

Sorry that should be 'totally agree'!

passmethewineplease · 31/12/2017 12:56

It's really none of your business. You can have your opinion obviously but you shouldn't load them on to your DD who seems quite happy with the plan.

I thought I was opening a thread where your DD was 17 or something?!

Not everyone wants to go out and see the world. It's perfectly OK not to have that desire. I know I didn't. Most of my childless friends are often getting absolutely wasted and moaning about hangovers every weekend. Can't see how that's preferable. Obviously not every young childless person does this but it's quite prevalent amongst society.

froginapond · 31/12/2017 12:59

@ThePinkLady77

I rarely comment on these threads but I feel the need to as it touches on something close to my heart! Our bodies are designed to have babies in our twenties ( actually from late teens). The later she leaves it the more her fertility will drop. I was not in the position to have a baby in my twenties as I had not met anyone.

My DH and I are now in our forties and are parents through the joy of fostering and adoption because by my thirties my fertility dropped fast. Your daughter is in a long term stable relationship, they have had plenty of time to enjoy life together as a couple, they are financially stable.

WHY not try for their family straight away! The sooner they try, the sooner they will know if there will be fertility issues and gives them more time to explore them. If they are blessed with children quickly, they can enjoy life with their children but also have plenty of time in their later life when the children have grown up to explore and enjoy life as a couple again!

All of this ^ If I had a choice between my daughter having a baby at 24, or 34, or 44, I would rather she had one at 24. I mean, 34 is OK-ish, but it's really pushing it, and you are cutting down any opportunity of having more children after. And 44? No. WAY.

I know when people say something like this, a bunch of people ALWAYS come along and regale us with their tales of how they had their first at 38, their second at 41, and their third at 44, but seriously, who wants to do that? You will be at retirement age and still have 2 teenagers, and probably all 3 still at home when you're a pensioner! Hell to the no.

In addition, it's not fair to put your children through the burden of having to nurse ailing and elderly parents when they should be enjoying their own young, carefree lives. Either this, or they will lose their parents in their teens or 20's.

It's devastating to lose your parents when you are young, (like under 30,) as they are very much needed for support for many things, including when you have children. So having kids when you're middle aged, will more than likely rob them of the vital parental support they will need when they're young. Because the chances are high that you will either be gone, or too frail and infirm to give them any decent support.

Again, I expect a bunch of people to come along saying 'My aunt/cousin/friend/neighbour had kids in their 40's, and they are now a very healthy and active 90 year old with 3 children in their 40's, and 6 grandchildren who they run marathons with.' OR 'my mother had me at just 25, and then died when I was 15 anyway...' to try and disprove my point. The fact is though, that these 2 scenarios are uncommon.

Having them younger is way better (not like 16, but I mean by your mid 20s') There is a myriad of women who struggle to conceive because they left it too late, because they put their career first - or didn't find the right partner. I do feel a bit for these women, but if you actively choose to leave it and leave it til you are on the cusp of middle age, then you should not be surprised if you struggle to conceive.

I, like a number of women I know, had children at a younger age (the first at 25 and the second at 28.) Now I am in my mid 40's, they are both at uni, me and DH have the world at our feet (and can do what we want when we want,) and we still have our wonderful son and daughter, and our careers.

People come out with stuff like 'if you have a baby at 25-26, you can't swan off out on the lash and stay out til 3am, and swan off for the weekend for a trip to Paris at the drop of a hat, or go backpacking around Chile for a fortnight.' But the fact is that most people in their mid 20's don't do this anyway - many of them have full time jobs, and often a house or flat to run, and don't have the time OR the money to do this stuff.

What's more, most people will have done this between the age of 16 and 23/24 at college and uni etc. There is something a little sad about a 26 year old going out getting wrecked and partying til 3am 2 or 3 times a week. So why would you be wanting to that in your mid 20's anyway?

CurryWorst · 31/12/2017 13:01

25-26 is not at a young age at all.

Wilburissomepig · 31/12/2017 13:13

I'm really struggling to understand how you can possibly think that when your DD and her husband choose to try for a baby, is any of your business at all OP. It's not.

You can have an opinion on it, you can think it's crazy etc all you like, but it's nothing to do with you and I hope you will keep your opinions to yourself.

Thehogfather · 31/12/2017 13:33

frog what I said about older mums being insecure if they have to criticise younger mums is equally true in reverse.

UnicornsandRainbows1 · 31/12/2017 13:38

It sounds like her situation could be a lot worse for this. Maybe the experience she wants in her 20s is to be fortunate enough to have and look after her children. You don't know what will happen in the future or how this will pan out, and more importantly it's not your decision as to when they, as a couple, decide to try to have a child. And yes, yabu

IsaSchmisa · 31/12/2017 15:21

While I can see why you'd feel concerned as she's only 24, the timeframe she's given could put her into her late 20s which is really not young. If she's 24 now and marrying in 9 months, odds are she'll be 25 by then. She says they want to try shortly after their marriage if they're lucky- so that could easily be 6 months before they even TTC, and potentially another few months before it happens. She'd almost certainly be 26 and could be 28. The average age to have one's first child in the UK now is 30, so she wouldn't be drastically below that.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 31/12/2017 17:49

frog that really is a highly judgemental and one sided post. The likelihood is that most 24 year olds are not financially secure for a start, or are not in stable relationships. Different people live their lives differently.... and if someone has a baby at 21 or 44 its up to them. You had kids at the right age for you, great. But it would have been too young for many other people (or too old) for a whole variety of different reasons.

Health and life expectancy is highly personal and you may dismiss parents dying young as 'unusual'. It can happen to anyone and it bloody does very often without warning, I don't know what bubble you live in where it's so rare. Equally fertility is personal, I didn't have regular periods until I was in my 30s so I reckon there's a fair chance that personally I'd have struggled earlier. Obviously at population level that isn't the case bit like life expectancy.

I also don't think anyone chooses to have a first baby at 44, it will be because they met a partner late. In fact I know personally no one who has given birth at that age.

Enidthecat · 31/12/2017 18:38

that really is a highly judgemental and one sided post. The likelihood is that most 24 year olds are not financially secure for a start, or are not in stable relationships

You say someone else's post is judgemental then just judge away yourself....

woodhill · 31/12/2017 18:46

My dd is similar age and newly wed, can't wait for her to have dc

Bumplovin · 31/12/2017 19:41

I hope you haven't let on to her how you feel... I got married when I was 35 and we were lucky enough to plan and actually go on to have a honeymoon Baby she's my world and I'm so glad she was conceived on honeymoon. I know you are probably thinking I'm 35 but I wish I'd had children at 25, I would like three children so now will have to have them all in quick succession as I don't want to be over 40 when I'm pregnant as my husband is a few years older too. I think your daughter is very sensible to start a family at 25 she then has a good number of years to be able to leave nice age gaps between her kids. Yabvu if you tell her your concerns when I told my mum I was pregnant her first words were 'you're not are you' her words broke my heart

Bumplovin · 31/12/2017 19:45

That's if I am lucky enough to not have problems conceiving at 36. 24/25/26 is the ideal age to get pregnant

WhatHappenedToSunday · 31/12/2017 20:42

I had mine young. First at 20, last at 27. Ive a degree, house, married. Glad i did it young - SO SO tired i cant imagine doing this and being older! I'll not have any baby's in my 30s, when i hit 40 the youngest will be a teen, the oldest hopefully at uni. Job done! Personally dont think i could cope with doing first day at school in my 40s like some of my school mum friends.

I read its nice to either get your 20s to yourself or your 40s. I dream of being rich and glam and baby free, in my 40s and enjoying the gap year travels i never took after. :)

Increasinglymiddleaged · 31/12/2017 20:45

You say someone else's post is judgemental then just judge away yourself....

So you are saying that most 24 year olds are financially secure? Hmm or are you saying that finances shouldn't be a consideration when starting a family? Whether they are or not for you it is a consideration for a hell of a lot of people.

Enidthecat · 31/12/2017 21:04

No? I'm quite clearly saying it's judgemental to say most 24 year olds aren't financially stable! Why wouldn't they be? You can work from 16 or if you go to uni you finish at what 21 or 22? So at 24 you could easily be financially stable if you are sensible!

We clearly have very little faith in the younger generation.

I bought at house at 19 ffs with no help from family!

Of course finances are a consideration but that's irrelevant to this post as ops daughters finances are not a problem seemingly!

Increasinglymiddleaged · 31/12/2017 21:09

It isn't irrelevant to the post being commented on/ the idea that everyone should have babies young. If you think I'm wrong about most 24 year olds not being finally stable fine, but it isn't judgement on anyone. You probably think DH and I are losers but we weren't financially stable that young as most other people my own age weren't, but we were by early 30s. But the clue is in most it's not about all. And of course many people are never financially stable and if they want DC they go for it at some time. So you can disagree with me fine, say it's irrelevant to the OP but judgement it isn't Smile

Hairgician · 31/12/2017 21:12

None of your business!! You make it sound like she is a teenager throwing her life away. She's 24, an adult and getting married soon. Leave her alone. This is one of those times where you will have to just bite your tongue.

Enidthecat · 31/12/2017 21:29

That's you though, a lot of 24 year olds are financially stable in fact I'd say most of my friends (I'm 22) are financially stable, most of them rent or own their own home, quite a few are married or getting married and a few including myself have children.

I find it odd when 20 odd year olds act or are treated like children.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 31/12/2017 21:49

Well as we've said throughout the thread a lot of this depends on who you know/ personal experience. We graduated and I got my first 'proper' job (as opposed to zero hours behind a bar)/house with DH at 23. So for people on that timescale the earning years between 24 and 30 are really important and without them/ with me on mat leave we'd have been skint. It isn't about being treated as children - I was a teacher at 23 so hardly lagged into growing up..... As something like 50% now go to university and come out with debt (which we didn't really then) I still stick by most, while being quite happy to accept that a lot who started work younger are doing really well earlier.

amusedbush · 31/12/2017 21:52

My mum was 26 when she had me. I thought that was a very reasonable age to have a baby, until I zoomed towards (and passed) 26 myself Grin

I'm 27 and loads of people I know are having kids but I still feel so young 😂

Peanutbuttercheese · 31/12/2017 21:53

I agree it's too young but it's up to her and it's all stable and she has a lovely partner.

The only time that it's acceptable to intervene is if your child is in danger.