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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking it’s too soon for DD to be trying for a baby

331 replies

WinterAx · 30/12/2017 22:31

My DD is getting married in September 2018 and whilst chatting today she mentioned how excited her and DF are to have a baby. When I mentioned this would not be for a while yet, she said they hope it’ll be shortly after their marriage if they’re lucky!

I have to admit I do feel a little disappointed. DD is only 24 and it seems such a young age to be intentionally trying for a baby. Her DF is quite a bit older (33) and I wonder this could be the cause of the sudden urgency. They’re a lovely couple, been together for 4 years, own a home together and have well paid jobs...so technically there is nothing wrong with it. I just feel it’s a huge waste of her younger years when she has plenty of time to think about having children.

I don’t want to upset her, but I also can’t help but want to give her my opinion. AIBU? Hearing your opinions and personal experiences would really help here!

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 01/01/2018 17:58

If you were my mother, you would irritate me so much if you asked me whether I had thought this through properly and whether I was wasting my younger years. How patronising. Is she immature for her age or something?! Physically and emotionally she is a fantastic age for having children and you have admitted yourself that she is financially in a good position. Lucky her. No need to piss on her parade, although mothers sometimes can't help themselves! I'm sure she'll forgive you if you can't keep your mouth shut, but she sounds plenty old enough and mature enough to know her own mind and your comments would just be an intense irritation.

manicmij · 01/01/2018 18:00

Can understand where you are coming from. However 25/26 isn't going to start a family. Due to so many women waiting until late 30s nowadays when it is almost too late you may well be thinking that is the best age. Your DAD is in a stable and financially secure relationship by what you say. It would perhaps be good if the couple did have a couple of years to enjoy their new status before having to adapt to get another life change ie disruption a baby brings. I would suggest this in the lightest possible way without saying this is what you think DD should do.

jessebuni · 01/01/2018 18:10

I understand why you would feel that way but you need to be very careful how you word your opinion to her. Asking her if she is 100% sure if she’s ready two give up some of her time with just her DH to be a couple and travel etc. Is one thing but pushing the issue and telling her she’s too young is another. If they’re both over 18 and have their own home have jobs etc then it is their decision alone to make.

DH and I have been together since I was 18. We had DC1 when I was 20 and DC2 when I was 24. I am now 30 we are still happily married and both DCs are in school so I am now getting plenty of freedom back while still youngish. Do I want my daughter to have a baby at 20? Not ideally no but if she genuinely believes she is ready and has a partner and a job it isn’t my place to tell her she shouldn’t. I wanted to be a mum when I was 8 years old and I don’t regret a moment.

ChristmasAddict · 01/01/2018 18:11

Had DS at 27 and I'm glad I didn't wait longer, will be young for the most intense years of his life when I need the energy and will still be fit and active (God willing) when he is in his teens and beyond and DH and I regain our freedom. No I didn't travel before I had DS but I will when he is an adult and we will have more money to do so :)

BlackBetha · 01/01/2018 18:12

If she's sure she wants children, then mid-20s sounds a perfect age to start trying, especially as she's lucky enough to be financially stable and in a hopefully good relationship. You never know how long it might take or what complications there might be (take it from me), so I don't see the point of waiting just for the sake of it.

If you think she's being pressured by her partner to start trying when she's not ready/not sure about children, then that's a different issue, and might be worth seeing if she'll open up to you about it. But she's an adult and it's her life, so too much interference and unasked-for advice from you may not be appreciated!

FingerlingUnderling · 01/01/2018 18:12

DH is 9 years older than me. We married when I was 24 which my mum thought was far too early. I did not have DD til I was 32. Career wise it was the right move but sometimes I wish I had had her earlier as the grandparents would have been younger and possibly more sprightly with her and I would have (theoretically) had more energy and there is a chance we may have had more. So for that reason, I would side with your DD. However, there is no way we would be in our current position if we'd had children earlier which would be a downside.

roundaboutthetown · 01/01/2018 18:13

It would be ridiculous to suggest she needs time to adapt to her new status when she has been living with her partner for four years already.

Essexgirlupnorth · 01/01/2018 18:16

If they are in the financial position to have kids then I think it is none of your business.
They may get pregnant easily or they may have problems and be glad they started trying early.

marymoosmum · 01/01/2018 18:17

I think YABU, when is acceptable to start trying for a baby? I am 28 and have 2 DC.

a1poshpaws · 01/01/2018 18:19

I had my wonderful son when I was 19. She's not too young, and as said above, it really isn't your business. Sorry to be so harsh, but you really need to let her live her own life and try to be excited for her if she gets her wish. And she's waiting until they're married .. sounds to me like she has her head on her shoulders and has thought things through, including stability for the baby.

starfish2020 · 01/01/2018 18:20

YABVU
Hope you don’t say anything to her.
It’s their choice and there and pros and cons to having kids either young or old.
It’s really none of your beeswax
It took me 12 years to have my first DC. If I had waited I’d probably have none.
Just stay out of it

Megs4x3 · 01/01/2018 18:27

Please say nothing. I have 4 children and my mother found reason to object to every pregnancy. It sucked the joy out of it all.

pollymere · 01/01/2018 18:32

Best to start early as it can take a few years if there are problems.

Alwayscommuting · 01/01/2018 18:39

I do get where you’re coming from. I got married at 22 (just) and we were trying before then. I’m now 25 and we still don’t have any children. I’m glad I started young because had I left until my 30s I would have been much more concerned and felt thing pushing on. So it’s not always a bad thing to be trying early.

danceswith · 01/01/2018 18:39

Not sure the correct answer to this, had my 1st at 22 and 4th at 42! Been married for 31 years. But if they want to try it's their business. Heart breaking watching my oldest at 30 struggling with poly cystic ovaries and endometriosis, as her chances of a baby go down with each month that passes

treacletoffee23 · 01/01/2018 18:40

Exactly Pollymere. Four long years of IVF and invasive treatments later, my daughter had her Twins at 31.
I had her at 21. My husband was 31.
You cannot predict the future just be supportive. She is lucky to be in a good position financially and able to afford children .

lady412 · 01/01/2018 18:50

Yabu!!
She is an adult with her own life. Plently of women have children young (although i would not class her as a young mum).

I had my DS at 18. I went on to university, got a well paid and stable career and have a fantastic life. And plenty of women have the same story as me :)

windygallows · 01/01/2018 18:51

Poor OP. You're really getting razzled with all the YABVUs. Totally understandable to worry and also to use the wisdom and experience you've gained as a woman who has lived a longer life and seen more things than your DD. You also want the best for your DD. Plus it is your business indirectly in that you're her mother, part of her family and support. MN thinks nothing is anyone's business ever!!

Whatever you say probably won't change her mind though. :)

Even if 24 is the right/best biological age to have children, I know my parents would have been disappointed if I (a) married at 24 and (b) had children just after because they wanted me to see the world, get far in education, have some freedom, but most importantly experience something beyond our small town, not marry my boyfriend from school and live next door to my parents! (I'm not saying that's what your DD did.)

3out · 01/01/2018 19:02

She’s very sensible to try to have kids 25/26ish. If she discovers she has fertility problems then this gives her far longer to TTC with medical help. If she has no issues conceiving then she will be about 45 when the kids are in uni (if they go), and presuming she’s helping to fund them through that then she’ll have borne the major brunt financially by the time she’s 50. That still gives her loads of time to head off and explore the world etc before she is tied to home again caring for her elderly parents and parents in law.

My colleague had kids later in life, did the career bit first. She’d love to be able to retire but the kids haven’t left school yet. As soon as they’re through uni then she’ll prob retire. If she’d had the kids earlier then she’d already be gone and enjoying the free time.

What age would you rather she was when she started a family?

PolarBearkshire · 01/01/2018 19:03

Best age for making babies ! When somebody has stable loving relationship and can afford babies - so wonderful! I have friends who are 45 and have 20 years old children- gone to uni and parents still so young and can live for themselves again.
It really shocks me how can somebody feel entitled to put their nose into other people's lives and think they can tell them when to have babies?!!! Just shocking! You had your chance to live- now its not your choice AT ALL

Micksee15 · 01/01/2018 19:05

what's you're issue??!
she's an adult in a secure relationship and a child is a blessing, I don't get your point

MrsWez · 01/01/2018 19:15

Yes you are! It’s none of your business.

MrsWez · 01/01/2018 19:16

Yes you are! It’s none of your business.

OVienna · 01/01/2018 19:21

I totally get why you might be concerned, in theory.

I think you have to remember that there are pluses and minuses to having children early and conversely waiting.

I do think some of the posters on this thread are overly optimistic about how easy it is to have children in your twenties but be full steam ahead in your career by the time they're in school. There are a careers where this wouldn't be possible/desirable, if they involve very long hours, travel etc. You're not going to want to start doing 14 hour days at a magic circle law firm with two kids in school, for example, and banking would be very challenging (fund management, maybe less so but early starts.) Consulting firms are brutal for the travelling. For these sorts of jobs people put up with all sorts of shit in their twenties and then ease off early 30s when they might be marrying and thinking about kids. Also, I have found that I had a lot more flexibility with my firm after I had a track record with them.

There are obviously jobs with more regular hours but if building up a career is important to you it is attractive to have the flexibility to put the job first.

Our teacher friends mostly had kids in their mid 20s, however, and it worked out very well for them.

I know a couple of medics who managed it.

The other thing I can't get my head round is the cost of the childcare. We would have really struggled to fund it on mid-20s salaries.

I did wonder: is part of your reason for the panic that she has this idea YOU might be helping with childcare? Or has some other caring expectations for you which you're not up for?

OVienna · 01/01/2018 19:22

I should say that the jobs I noted would be challenging for mothers above are also for dads, especially in consulting where you can be away for weeks at a time.