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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Son with ASD hit his Grandad!

207 replies

Vixen884 · 29/12/2017 22:39

I don't post on here often but I'm an avid reader and now looking for advice as I am fizzing inside! This could be long to include relevant info so sorry in advance.

My son has Asperger's, he is 12 and is generally very well behaved and loving. He does have a temper when pushed or feeling over whelmed, we as a family recognise this and know how to avoid outburst etc Discipline is always a discussion on his behaviour, followed by a punishment like no computers etc.

So anyway recently he has not been wanting to stay with Grandparents (they go frequently to help with childcare during holidays etc) due to how they treat him, he says they favour his sisters and he's always getting into trouble....So for example if he says to his little sister ' She has no brain' as siblings do bicker! They will tell him he's stupid and he has no brain, instead of saying 'That's not nice, how do you think that makes your sister feel? etc'. He takes this very literally and it's been building up to a point where today he was apparently called stupid for the 3rd or 4th time over a few days and he has lashed out and hit his Grandad as he felt so frustrated. He is a big boy for 12 and incredibly strong when angry so I think he gave his Grandad a fright who is also a big guy and not a frail man in the slightest. I'm just going to add in here as well that his Grandad is a very jokey person and it probably sounds worse here than how its meant to come across, I think his aim is to make my son feel the way his sisters do by saying the same to him but it doesn't work for someone who takes things literally and not in the jokey/hidden message way.

I have talked it out with the kids and have come to the conclusion that the Grandparents are well out of order for how they are punishing him. My son has been told by us there will be a punishment for him hitting his Grandad and he needs to apologise as its not acceptable at all! But AIBU to be angry at the Grandparents for not taking the time to understand his Asperger's and adjusting their discipline methods? Today after my son hit his Grandad, a passing comment was made to my daughter about how her brother was going to get knocked out?!?! WTF I am so angry, I just want to know I am not being soft and unreasonable before I have this out with some already difficult to deal with inlaws?

Thanks

OP posts:
EleanorXx · 29/12/2017 22:43

Yanbu

BarbarianMum · 29/12/2017 22:49

Well, if he'd hit anyone who was not an immediate member of his family he could well be facing an assault charge, asd or no. YANBU to only leave him with people who understand and can manage his asd but you chose to leave him with his grandparents knowing they don't fully get him. So blaming them seems a bit unfair.

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 29/12/2017 22:50

They show no understanding of this condition and really without someone teaching them they won't. Try and detach and think if this was a member of staff at school or a friend how would you handle it?

Lashing out can happen. I recently said "morning" to a local child of around the same age who I think has quite severe ASD. Immediately realised that I'd done the wrong thing for him that day as he took a flying kick at me, much to the mortification of the Grandad with him. But I seen it coming and generally managed to deflect most of it. It's fine, I wasn't hurt and was more concerned that I had frightened or frustrated him in some way Sad. A grand parent should be able to show much more understanding of their grand child. If they can't then they need supervised.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 29/12/2017 22:52

It seems a bit like you're excusing the hitting tbh. I have a son with asd and he would likely take it literally if someone said he was stupid but he would also mean it literally saying it to someone else.
Your dads method isn't ideal but your son is being unkind to his sister and has been violent to your dad. He's nearly a teen now and needs to know he won't get a pass for violence due to having asd even though people won't always react to him in an ideal way. I think you need to work with him on positive things he can do when he feels angry.

Samcro · 29/12/2017 22:52

yanbu
as someone said they don't get that he has a disability.
i would be concerned about having him near them

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 29/12/2017 22:53

Could you leave him on his own

Greenshoots1 · 29/12/2017 22:53

There is no point being angry at the grandparents at all, your DS is the one who has committed a criminal offence. ASD is not an excuse.

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 29/12/2017 22:55

Criminal offence? The child is 12 FFS. A very wound up 12 year old.

AJPTaylor · 29/12/2017 22:56

He is 12, does he have to go?

CorbynsBumFlannel · 29/12/2017 22:58

12 is 2 yrs above the age of criminal responsibility. Asd isn't a pass for breaking the law. At best it might be a partial defence if severe. If this wasn't his grandad he could face real consequences. I think the op absolutely needs to drop any idea of the hitting being somewhat justified and needs to send the message that it is never the answer in any circumstances.

BarbarianMum · 29/12/2017 22:58

Just because you know someone has asd Samcro doesn't mean that you always know the right thing to say or do in any given situation. It is quite easy to make mistakes.

Samcro · 29/12/2017 22:59

BarbarianMum sorry I read that the GP called hime Stupid on more than one occasion.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 29/12/2017 23:00

It is quite difficult but if after 12 years they do not get it, they are not going to be able to understand it better after this incident.

I know it is particularly difficult to find childcare for the holidays for children this age, but I really don’t think it is a good idea to continue leaving him under a care of a grandparent that is happy to call him stupid and take a fight in behalf of another grandchild, aspergers or not.

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 29/12/2017 23:01

I work as a 1-to-1 with a severely autistic child. He physically hurts me every day because he is anxious, petrified and downright scared.

I manage my reaction to it because I understand his panic

BarbarianMum · 29/12/2017 23:02

As I understood the OP the grandfather called him stupid in response to the son using that phrase to his sister. Which is logical if not ideal.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 29/12/2017 23:04

What is not logical is having an adult mediating a children’s dispute in such way.

FrancisCrawford · 29/12/2017 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 29/12/2017 23:06

I don’t condone the lashing out but, it is quite bullish of the GP to do that, especially if he has been showing a clear preference for the other grandchildren.

So yes, punish the behaviour, it was very wrong to hit, but it is not a good idea to leave him under the care of someone that is hurting him by showing a clear preference for his siblings.

Original poster
Vixen884 · 29/12/2017 23:06

My son knows full well hitting is not acceptable and he's being punished for it, his behaviour is not being excused! I'm not making excuses for it happening but it could easily have been avoided, had his Grandparents handled the situation differently. My MIL was a childminder for years as her profession, so I had a little more faith in them, they have not just been watching but socialising with my children since they were babies and still seem.to have no realisation of how my sons mind works! My son does not lash out at home so for me this is a huge issue

OP posts:
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 29/12/2017 23:09

Frankly, when you live with aspergers or ASD you learn to make some concessions about the behaviour. Yes it is not right, it is not ideal and much less so perfect but then, a important part of such disability is the inability to relate to people in a typical way.

haveacupofteaandamincepie · 29/12/2017 23:10

Very difficult situation isn't it. My DS has a disability (not ASD) and it seems to be a very difficult thing for older members of the family to accept and understand. I am not sure if it is a generational thing or what but I doubt if the GP will ever immerse themselves in your sons condition and how to manage it the way you do.

A frank conversation is in order but I don't know if it's worth being angry with either party. It's just sad, really sad.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 29/12/2017 23:13

People won't always react in the perfect way though op. Is your ds going to have a carer for life? If not he needs to be able to cope with being angry, upset, frustrated etc without clobbering people. Saying 'it could have been avoided' is putting all the blame on your dad for him being hit. You and your ds need to take some responsibility for teaching him the strategies that with enable him to cope with non ideal situations and keep himself out of trouble.

Spikeyball · 29/12/2017 23:14

Have you told them exactly what to say in situations like this. With ds I have to tell relatives what to do. They sometimes don't understand why but they will do what I say works.

HipNewName · 29/12/2017 23:15

I wouldn't leave him with the grandparents again. They are aren't acceptable caregivers. Is respite care a possibility? Is staying on his own for short periods of time an option? Could you hire one of the teacher's assistants from his school to look after him for an evening?

Hitting is not OK, and he's only going to get bigger. The person who mentioned criminal offense is right. Your son is at high risk for ending up in the criminal justice system. How does he do at school or in public?

RavingRoo · 29/12/2017 23:17

Do you always excuse it when he calls his sister stupid as sibling banter? What if it’s the other way around - would it be the same reaction or is she expected to suck it up because of his asd and not say anything mean? It’s very, very easy to let non-disabled children fall to the wayside a bit - she needs someone in her corner.

I personally think if your ds doesn’t want to go then fine but don’t ban your dd. as insensitive as they are about your son’s asd, your in laws have their heart in the right place when it comes to protecting your dd.

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