AIBU - Son with ASD hit his Grandad!

[Vixen884]

I don't post on here often but I'm an avid reader and now looking for advice as I am fizzing inside! This could be long to include relevant info so sorry in advance.

My son has Asperger's, he is 12 and is generally very well behaved and loving. He does have a temper when pushed or feeling over whelmed, we as a family recognise this and know how to avoid outburst etc Discipline is always a discussion on his behaviour, followed by a punishment like no computers etc.

So anyway recently he has not been wanting to stay with Grandparents (they go frequently to help with childcare during holidays etc) due to how they treat him, he says they favour his sisters and he's always getting into trouble....So for example if he says to his little sister ' She has no brain' as siblings do bicker! They will tell him he's stupid and he has no brain, instead of saying 'That's not nice, how do you think that makes your sister feel? etc'. He takes this very literally and it's been building up to a point where today he was apparently called stupid for the 3rd or 4th time over a few days and he has lashed out and hit his Grandad as he felt so frustrated. He is a big boy for 12 and incredibly strong when angry so I think he gave his Grandad a fright who is also a big guy and not a frail man in the slightest. I'm just going to add in here as well that his Grandad is a very jokey person and it probably sounds worse here than how its meant to come across, I think his aim is to make my son feel the way his sisters do by saying the same to him but it doesn't work for someone who takes things literally and not in the jokey/hidden message way.

I have talked it out with the kids and have come to the conclusion that the Grandparents are well out of order for how they are punishing him. My son has been told by us there will be a punishment for him hitting his Grandad and he needs to apologise as its not acceptable at all! But AIBU to be angry at the Grandparents for not taking the time to understand his Asperger's and adjusting their discipline methods? Today after my son hit his Grandad, a passing comment was made to my daughter about how her brother was going to get knocked out?!?! WTF I am so angry, I just want to know I am not being soft and unreasonable before I have this out with some already difficult to deal with inlaws?

Thanks

I was the sibling. not of a disabled child, but one who was very sick for a while .I felt bad to raise anything at all because I felt my dps had so much on their plate.

I always remember a thread on here where people who had disabled siblings talked about the reality of it for them. Most said they felt their needs and wishes were constantly put aside or dismissed.
So yes if I saw sibling A constantly calling their other sibling B stupid, and the sibling B being called names was expected to put up with it because sibling A had autism; I would be concerned.

And zzzz some of those people who commented on that thread had had outsiders point out the dynamic, but it was dismissed by their parents.
I am not saying that is the situation with OP. I don't know OP, so I have no idea. But you are totally wrong to say that it does not happen.

No of course not. But it is possible to attempt to minimise the impact. And sometimes parents might need help with that.

So a good friend for example totally resented being told as a teenager that she would be looking after her severely disabled sibling when her parents had gone. As it is, although the sibling is in 24 hour care home, she is involved in visiting, has power of attorney and takes her out trips. But she hated the assumption that was going to be her role.
Not everything a parent with an SEN child does is always the best way. And yes sometimes someone closely involved can see that.

They didn't ask her, they assumed. And that was very unfair.