AIBU - Son with ASD hit his Grandad!

[Vixen884]

I don't post on here often but I'm an avid reader and now looking for advice as I am fizzing inside! This could be long to include relevant info so sorry in advance.

My son has Asperger's, he is 12 and is generally very well behaved and loving. He does have a temper when pushed or feeling over whelmed, we as a family recognise this and know how to avoid outburst etc Discipline is always a discussion on his behaviour, followed by a punishment like no computers etc.

So anyway recently he has not been wanting to stay with Grandparents (they go frequently to help with childcare during holidays etc) due to how they treat him, he says they favour his sisters and he's always getting into trouble....So for example if he says to his little sister ' She has no brain' as siblings do bicker! They will tell him he's stupid and he has no brain, instead of saying 'That's not nice, how do you think that makes your sister feel? etc'. He takes this very literally and it's been building up to a point where today he was apparently called stupid for the 3rd or 4th time over a few days and he has lashed out and hit his Grandad as he felt so frustrated. He is a big boy for 12 and incredibly strong when angry so I think he gave his Grandad a fright who is also a big guy and not a frail man in the slightest. I'm just going to add in here as well that his Grandad is a very jokey person and it probably sounds worse here than how its meant to come across, I think his aim is to make my son feel the way his sisters do by saying the same to him but it doesn't work for someone who takes things literally and not in the jokey/hidden message way.

I have talked it out with the kids and have come to the conclusion that the Grandparents are well out of order for how they are punishing him. My son has been told by us there will be a punishment for him hitting his Grandad and he needs to apologise as its not acceptable at all! But AIBU to be angry at the Grandparents for not taking the time to understand his Asperger's and adjusting their discipline methods? Today after my son hit his Grandad, a passing comment was made to my daughter about how her brother was going to get knocked out?!?! WTF I am so angry, I just want to know I am not being soft and unreasonable before I have this out with some already difficult to deal with inlaws?

Thanks

Well if the ops ds has autism that severe that he simply cannot learn not to react violently to people then he's not going to be living independently. He will either have to be cared for or will be in and out of prison. If that's the case it's very sad.
If, however, he can learn to control his aggression life will be a lot easier for him and the focus should be on a change in his own behaviour not other people's. You can't control how other people will behave but most people can learn to control how they behave themselves. He clearly already has some impulse control if he was able not to hit his grandad the first few times.

i hate these threads. ASD is not a naughty child, its a disabilty

So you think people with asd shouldn't be taught strategies to keep calm then zzzzzz? Even those who are able to learn them?
There are lots of things that people with asd can learn to make their lives easier which isn't 'teaching the asd out of them'. Writing off someone's ability to learn on the basis of a diagnosis is very sad indeed. The spectrum is vast.

If your son takes things literally then I agree the tactic the GP s are using is not appropriate. However, I would also say it cannot then be normal sibling banter because presumably he means it literally too when he repeatedly says such things to his sisters.

It is really sad that their relationship is becoming strained in this way. It must be heartbreaking and I hope you can persuade the GPs to think about his condition differently, so that they can stay close aswell as provide care.

That said, he will come into contact with people who will not know about his condition and/or will not care, so I think you also need to think if there is anything more you can do to protect them from a violent response and help your son stay out of trouble. Maybe there is not, but it sounds like there is some hope with that.

You can't make everyone in the world behave in a certain way but he will expect a certain level of behaviour from his caregivers.

I said being in and out of prison would be sad. Which it would. There are a lot of people with ND conditions in the criminal justice system. Your comparison with blind children is nonsensical.
You have no idea of what the ops child is capable of learning so I'm not sure why you are making the thread and advice given to the op about yourself.

Is the violence going to be restricted to caregivers though? The op has said her son is ok at home because she knows how to interact with him. Will he always have caregivers or is he going to have some independence soon. These things make a difference to how it should be tackled imo.

Sorry I feel like I'm causing a riot here and my posts have been a bit misunderstood, he was not calling his sisters stupid 3 or 4 times over a few days! He was being called stupid! The last resort was he put his hood up in McDonald's and was told to take it down as he looked stupid, not take it down because it's bad manners! It's hard to give all the info in one post and also don't want to give myself or them away as the incident is so specific. He does often get told off for winding his sisters up, making them hyper etc as he is excitable and he does throw insults around 'you have no brain' not ideal and he is told this is not nice and we do the whole how would you feel chat... all siblings do this!! The difference is at the grandparents they deal with one insult by dishing out another :/

I have Aspergers and my son has ASD so have picked up social lessons later than normal. I don't think that these lessons are teaching the ASD out of me. This is a world where NT rules are followed so learning stuff like not using insults that you wouldn't like to hear back has kept me physically safe and able to make the off friend along the way.

There's a lot of social rules I wish someone had told me earlier rather than having to find out about them through tv, film and reading forums like this but I'd like to think that the current generation are having this sort of assistance at school and/or home.

zzzzz My son has autism and I'm painfully aware it isn't a fluffy diagnosis, thank you very much. I'm assuming from what the OP has written that her DS is fairly high functioning especially if he's able to participate in banter and gets good school reports. So yes I think focusing on helping a high functioning autistic child learn coping mechanisms is a very good idea. Obviously a child that will never live independently is a very different situation. But even then why would you give up on them? Wouldn't continue to try and provide new skills etc?

I am right in understanding that your grandad just called your child stupid for no reason the last time?
I still don't think violence should be condoned but that does sound more nasty than misguided.

It’s difficult. Whilst you are not being unreasonable- his GD has only used this terminology because your son seems to use it quite frequently against his sister. I’m not sure if it’s the same at home, he refers to his sister as stupid, and you attempt to redirect, explain why it’s not nice. GD obviously thought he was doing the right thing Vuly your daughter, but maybe didn’t realise it wasn’t the way you want to deal with things or find acceptable to deal with your DS’s outburst. Ultimately, you need to talk to them and then decide if you need to start paying for care for your son, if your parents can be made to get on board with your techniques, or if you will allow them to do things their way as they are doing the child care.

Even if he does understand that calling his sister stupid upsets her it doesn't mean he'll stop. Sometimes siblings annoy each other and they want to say something to upset the other one. Explaining will only work if he can understand and also if he doesn't at any point want to upset his sister.
Knowing that certain things annoyed or upset my sister certainly didn't stop me doing them if she was annoying or upsetting me - generally by looking at me or some other similar sibling crime.

How old are his sisters, OP?

So the GD was trying to make him take his hood off in McDonald's? My son would react violently in this situation, if he has his hood up it's because he is overwhelmed and anxious.

I don't think stopping visits with Grandparents is a good idea, you need a support network. I think Grandparents just need more training.

My son is prone to violent outbursts. He is also vile to his younger siblings. I'd love to know how to deal better with these issues.

Really sorry to hear about that OP. You might want to re-post in Special Needs - Children, you'll get a lot more understanding and expertise over there.

Quite simply, your parents don't know how to manage your DS safely and they probably should not be responsible for his care any more. It's not fair on them or on your DS. In my experience childminders who are not specifically trained or experienced in children with ASCs are no better than random carers with no experience at all. Sometimes worse, because the way they expect to deal with "ordinary" kids can be counter-productive when a child has an ASC. Your father's "jokiness" is unsuitable and dangerous.

He clearly already has some impulse control if he was able not to hit his grandad the first few times.

And then the boy's grandfather carried on past the point where he didn't have enough control any more. People don't learn better impulse control by being pushed and then punished. First of all the pushing has to stop, then you may be able to start teaching impulse control, using appropriate strategies like "social stories" or whatever. So if your father can't or wont learn to communicate appropriately with him (does your father have impulse or empathy or communication issues himself?) then it's in everyone's best interest that this childcare arrangement stops.

If you feel his grandparents form of discipline is genuinely detrimental to your son's wellbeing then I would agree that you should find alternative childcare for him during the holidays and restrict his time spent with them to when you can be there to help manage it. Overall, I would agree that his grandparents way of disciplining him seems ineffective and unhelpful.

I would be careful how to explain this to them if you are keen to maintain a cordial relationship with them though.

However, I do think there are some areas where perhaps I think perhaps you are making excuses for him. You say your son takes things literally so he shouldn't have these sort of comments made to him. Then later say "it's just sibling banter" so it's not a problem and you aren't worried. My query would be how can it be "normal sibling banter" if he is so literal? As surely he also means it literally when he says these things to his siblings? Therefore, not "banter" or "a joke" at all. I don't understand how your two points can both be correct. Either he can engage in "banter" or he is to literal to understand this type of comment and so takes it to heart. He can't be both.

I didn't say the grandads discipline methods would teach him anything. I suggested the op work with him. I'm sure he will have to face more pushing from his teenage peers than from his grandad. And they likely won't do nothing if he flips. He will either get attacked himself or their parents will call the police.