AIBU - Son with ASD hit his Grandad!

[Vixen884]

I don't post on here often but I'm an avid reader and now looking for advice as I am fizzing inside! This could be long to include relevant info so sorry in advance.

My son has Asperger's, he is 12 and is generally very well behaved and loving. He does have a temper when pushed or feeling over whelmed, we as a family recognise this and know how to avoid outburst etc Discipline is always a discussion on his behaviour, followed by a punishment like no computers etc.

So anyway recently he has not been wanting to stay with Grandparents (they go frequently to help with childcare during holidays etc) due to how they treat him, he says they favour his sisters and he's always getting into trouble....So for example if he says to his little sister ' She has no brain' as siblings do bicker! They will tell him he's stupid and he has no brain, instead of saying 'That's not nice, how do you think that makes your sister feel? etc'. He takes this very literally and it's been building up to a point where today he was apparently called stupid for the 3rd or 4th time over a few days and he has lashed out and hit his Grandad as he felt so frustrated. He is a big boy for 12 and incredibly strong when angry so I think he gave his Grandad a fright who is also a big guy and not a frail man in the slightest. I'm just going to add in here as well that his Grandad is a very jokey person and it probably sounds worse here than how its meant to come across, I think his aim is to make my son feel the way his sisters do by saying the same to him but it doesn't work for someone who takes things literally and not in the jokey/hidden message way.

I have talked it out with the kids and have come to the conclusion that the Grandparents are well out of order for how they are punishing him. My son has been told by us there will be a punishment for him hitting his Grandad and he needs to apologise as its not acceptable at all! But AIBU to be angry at the Grandparents for not taking the time to understand his Asperger's and adjusting their discipline methods? Today after my son hit his Grandad, a passing comment was made to my daughter about how her brother was going to get knocked out?!?! WTF I am so angry, I just want to know I am not being soft and unreasonable before I have this out with some already difficult to deal with inlaws?

Thanks

@CorbynsBumFlannel I don't think it's unreasonable of the OP to say it could have been avoided. If they had taken the more usual method of chastising the boy by telling him 'that's rude, you shouldn't say that to your sister and I'll tell your Mum' then yeah I'd be with you. But put yourself in the shoes of that boy - in his mind they were actively mocking him. And yes he was doing that to his sister but he is 12.

Well it very much depends whether you want to avoid him hitting people by dictating what other people say and do or teach him not to hit people regardless and other things he should do instead. I think the latter will be more useful to him in life.

I would not be leaving him with them. The grandad threatened to knock him out.

Op didn't say that if you read. I read it as he was saying someone will knock him out one day if he goes for them like that. Which is likely true!

The GP reacted like a fellow 12 year old would.

You're going to have to decide whether the convenience of childcare outweighs the fact that the GP won't learn about ASD.

He thinks it's ok to say such things to his sister but reacts badly when the same thing is said to him? He can give it but can't take it.

And then reacts voliently

Calling his sister stupid is obviously unacceptable and it sounds like he does it rather often (if he’s been on the receiving end of their frankly stupid ‘standard answer’ this often).

But yes, his grandparents should try to understand him and act accordingly...

And they really shouldn’t threaten to knock him out!

I think his aim is to make my son feel the way his sisters do by saying the same to him but it doesn't work for someone who takes things literally and not in the jokey/hidden message way.

I know this isn't your point, but I think you're underestimating how his sisters probably feel. I know my sister went through a stage of telling me I smelt in an argument. I knew in my head that she was just using it as an insult and in wasn't true, but I actually got quite paranoid that I did. Even now, over 20 years later and I can still find myself worrying that I smell bad in certain circumstances.

If he's telling them they're stupid regularly, it isn't sibling banter. Coming back with "that makes your sisters sad" really isn't going to cut it, either for him to not say it, or for them to feel that you don't agree with him.

He takes this very literally and it's been building up to a point where today he was apparently called stupid for the 3rd or 4th time over a few days and so has his sister been called stupid for the 3rd or 4th time over a few days. And by the sound of it regularly over more than that. Does that not upset his sister at all? Just because it's between siblings doesn't mean that it doesn't upset her.

I obviously don't know the GP but could he be trying to teach the sister to stand up for herself? My oldest has ASD and the younger ones would have countered "You have no brain." with the same back. I honestly believe that they have never physically attacked him as he's much bigger but had he'd said that at school, he could come to physical harm.

I have an adult son with ASD. He's never been violent at all except for one incident in primary school where he put his hands around a little girls neck. He is mortified that he did it and we never got to the reason why. He does have anger issues but directs them at himself. People with ASD (Aspergers in my son's case) struggle to cope with their emotions, including anger. To address some of the comments here, I am pretty sure if it did go to court there would be a strong case of provocation even without the ASD. If your parents don't 'get' him, he shouldn't be left in their care. If you don't already do so, claim PIP for him and then carers allowance so that you can stay at home. I eventually gave up work so that I could be available for him but started a small ironing business after a year because I didn't like totally relying on benefits.

and so has his sister been called stupid for the 3rd or 4th time over a few days. And by the sound of it regularly over more than that. Does that not upset his sister at all? Just because it's between siblings doesn't mean that it doesn't upset her.

I’d like to second this.
Their brand of discipline clearly isn’t working or acceptable in this situation. But it does feel like you downplay this issue.

due to how they treat him, he says they favour his sisters and he's always getting into trouble....

How do they favour his sister?

"it is not a good idea to leave him under the care of someone that is hurting him by showing a clear preference for his siblings."

Don't know where you're getting any clear preference for his siblings. If anything the sister is getting a crap deal being the butt of her brother's jibes and the GPs are simply sticking up for her. I do agree however that the grandparents shouldn't be used as childcare if the OP feels this critical of them.

It's tricky. My son has ASD and he once pushed my mum over into bushes when she didn't do something she said she would. He did get in trouble but I had to reiterate to her that he needs her to be true to her word or not say it in the first place (where possible).

I don't let him stay with my parents anymore though after a bad experience early this year. They try but they just don't get it to be honest.

No you don't get a free pass to assault someone because they've called you stupid.

This is a complex one and such a hard one to offer any meaningful opinion without knowing so much more about your son. While I understand you're upset at the GPs, if you can, focus on the opportunity for your son. He needs to stop calling people names and he certainly needs to not lash out even if provoked. The skill of being able to walk away is one that everyone needs to learn. Perhaps try to engage with the GPs on techniques and key prompt words to help DS walk away and cool off. I'd suggest to them that if DS is calling his sister names the punishment needs to be delivered using the same words/technique you use as that's what's most effective. I'd avoid confronting them over their method if you feel in general they are loving grandparents. I'd stress how important it is for DS to learn to control himself and how much you'd appreciate their help in getting him there.

For those commenting on his behaviour towards his sisters, he has 2.... in this house it's usual brother/sister banter, I have a brother myself so we were the same and they are very close and look out for each other, socialise and play together. Anything extreme or out of order from any of them is obviously dealt with accordingly. My son has lashed out severely maybe 5 times in his 12 years most of those in his early school years, he gets good reports from school. So for those saying I should stop him going to Grandparents I agree but I feel sad about it, not for childcare but for thier relationship he is thier only Grandson and its heartbreaking the way they're being and it's come to this.

Does your son have his consoles etc at the GP house? In which case threatening removal of screen time once he gets home is a weak punishment. My son got into serious trouble at school and the punishment was quickly decided and implemented so hd could move on from that incident.
My ASD son had problems with this but not dishing out insults that he couldn't take back was a major lesson that he had to learn. He understands that if he calls someone a moron that he needs to brace himself for at least the same insult back (possibly worse)

She hasn't and he won't. If he's out and someone says something horrible to him and he hits them he will be in trouble with the law. It is unrealistic to expect the outside environment to be like his bubble at home if there is any prospect of him being independent in future. Now is the time to teach him the skills to keep him out of bother - mush easier and more useful than telling everyone close to him what they can and can't say to avoid being hit. You can't make everyone in the world behave a certain way.

My son thought that I favoured his siblings and I suspect it's because I tell them off much less. They are both easy to parent and naturally compliant so I rarely raise my voice to them. He's had a stretch of excellent behaviour in the last few months where he is also rarely told off so doesn't complain of favouritism.

I think I have more sympathy for the grandparents.

It comes over that you pander to your son's moods. You say he has a temper but you know how to avoid outbursts. This is perhaps not teaching him how to behave as an adult in society and not end up the wrong side of the law. Do his sisters have to put up with a lot of insults from a big brother who gets away with it because "he can't help it"?

I think I would discuss this calmly with the gp and perhaps seek professional help in managing your DS's anger. He's 12 not 2 and for his own sake needs to know how to control his moods.