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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Son with ASD hit his Grandad!

207 replies

Vixen884 · 29/12/2017 22:39

I don't post on here often but I'm an avid reader and now looking for advice as I am fizzing inside! This could be long to include relevant info so sorry in advance.

My son has Asperger's, he is 12 and is generally very well behaved and loving. He does have a temper when pushed or feeling over whelmed, we as a family recognise this and know how to avoid outburst etc Discipline is always a discussion on his behaviour, followed by a punishment like no computers etc.

So anyway recently he has not been wanting to stay with Grandparents (they go frequently to help with childcare during holidays etc) due to how they treat him, he says they favour his sisters and he's always getting into trouble....So for example if he says to his little sister ' She has no brain' as siblings do bicker! They will tell him he's stupid and he has no brain, instead of saying 'That's not nice, how do you think that makes your sister feel? etc'. He takes this very literally and it's been building up to a point where today he was apparently called stupid for the 3rd or 4th time over a few days and he has lashed out and hit his Grandad as he felt so frustrated. He is a big boy for 12 and incredibly strong when angry so I think he gave his Grandad a fright who is also a big guy and not a frail man in the slightest. I'm just going to add in here as well that his Grandad is a very jokey person and it probably sounds worse here than how its meant to come across, I think his aim is to make my son feel the way his sisters do by saying the same to him but it doesn't work for someone who takes things literally and not in the jokey/hidden message way.

I have talked it out with the kids and have come to the conclusion that the Grandparents are well out of order for how they are punishing him. My son has been told by us there will be a punishment for him hitting his Grandad and he needs to apologise as its not acceptable at all! But AIBU to be angry at the Grandparents for not taking the time to understand his Asperger's and adjusting their discipline methods? Today after my son hit his Grandad, a passing comment was made to my daughter about how her brother was going to get knocked out?!?! WTF I am so angry, I just want to know I am not being soft and unreasonable before I have this out with some already difficult to deal with inlaws?

Thanks

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 30/12/2017 18:38

Have you had a honest open and forward looking conversation with grandad?

Labradoodliedoodoo · 30/12/2017 18:39

I think you need to apologise on your sons behalf and explain that he shouldn’t have done it but explain why your son was upset and describe a better way of resolving issues

Spikeyball · 30/12/2017 18:40

"well either her DS has the capacity to control himself or he doesn't!"

Or maybe he is still learning.

FireCracker2 · 30/12/2017 18:48

Or maybe he is still learning

in which case he will better learn by putting the blame squarely at your DS's feet and not the GPs

Kleinzeit · 30/12/2017 18:53

I think how you go forward largely depends on what degree of independence you expect him to realistically be able to have in the future.

No, it really doesn't.

The One Big Thing I learned from my DS's (award-winning) social skills tutor is that you can't start from the end point that you hope or expect to achieve and work backwards. Instead you look at where your child is now and ask yourself "what can they do right now and what are they ready to learn that will be the next developmental step from here?" And you help them make that next step. And then the next. Because where they end up depends on so many things you can't predict, including internal leaps.

Projecting far into the future and catastrophising about prison etc isn't helping. We don't know what the OP's DS will be capable of in 10 years time and neither does the OP. But we do know a few things he's not capable of dealing with right now. And that's where the OP has to start from. Her DS needs to learn whatever self-management he can learn and he needs to be supported in situations he can't handle yet.

zzzzz · 30/12/2017 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thehogfather · 30/12/2017 19:14

klein thats what I mean, none of us can say whether in his case being somewhat cruel to be kind is in his interests, or if it's just pointless cruelty because he won't gain from it.

I'm not just referring to adult life, but at 12 he's at an age where it's possible he'll soon start wanting some independence. Obviously it might be a complete no go, in which case no point trying to teach him something he isn't ready for. But it would be a shame if in a few months he wanted to do something he is otherwise capable of and op had to say 'no, because you know you still do x,y,z' if there's a possibility other strategies might work

Nikephorus · 30/12/2017 19:15

it's all about her snowflake!
You goady little Her son has Asperger's. Try doing some research on it before posting such offensive statements.

Thehogfather · 30/12/2017 19:18

I disagree with the 'wind up the autistic child' idea. It's far more inclusive, 'wind up any child who isn't nt or is otherwise vulnerable' is more accurate.

zzzzz · 30/12/2017 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kleinzeit · 30/12/2017 19:50

Sorry, I don't know what you mean by being "cruel to be kind". The OP has already said she is going to punish him. What else do you want her to do? Her son isn't going to learn coping strategies by being supervised by an adult who doesn't understand his needs and can't communicate with him.

Thehogfather · 30/12/2017 20:48

zzz don't know, adhd provides equally 'amusing' explosions. And like autism there is the added bonus that even if the goady child is caught the parents can excuse it cos naturally neither is a real thing and is just an excuse for bad behaviour. Learning disabilities or anything else where the child can't defend themselves or share their side is also grounds for baiting.

klein by cruel I don't mean punishment. More along the lines of teaching him other strategies that might make life harder for him in the short term but benefit him in the near future. Obviously not up to me to suggest what those strategies could or should be. And as I've said only if he stands to gain from it.

zzzzz · 30/12/2017 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheHungryDonkey · 30/12/2017 21:23

Fucking hell seriously, either has the capacity to control or not? It’s not that simple and depends on lots of variables. A child might just hold their shit together in one situation, but not another when they are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, or being constantly poked in the back throughout a loud boring assembly.

Thehogfather · 30/12/2017 21:25

I see what you mean now zzz

TheHungryDonkey · 30/12/2017 21:27

Hogfather I agree with the ADHD too. The number of times a child went home and lied to their parents about what the child with ADHD had done so their parent came in to complain was breathtaking. It was always a lie. I was with them every second of the school day. I often saw children trying to wind them up because they would get stressed, anxious and throw chairs and cause a giant scene.

It’s just in this thread I was sticking to ASD.

becotide · 30/12/2017 21:28

He needs to not go there any more. And you know this really.

Notevilstepmother · 30/12/2017 21:38

Firecrackers you seem to be black and white thinking.

Like any teenager he has a capacity for self control. In this case his capacity has been exceeded.

Self control is not an on/off thing, everyone has their breaking point.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 30/12/2017 21:44

Vixen how do you want the grandfather to respond? It's not helpful to anyone saying you don't like it but not offering him alternatives, just saying DS can't go there again.

And while recognising his autism, what are you doing to help him not say mean, nasty things to his sisters? I hope you're not expecting them just to put up with it without at least trying to stop his behaviour.

Notevilstepmother · 30/12/2017 21:56

Imagine your son as a bottle of fizzy drink. When you have autism the world is a confusing place and your difficulties are largely hidden to the wider world, not many people understand things from your perspective.

He wants to stay home, where he can relax, but he has to go to his grandparents. Shake the bottle.

Grandparents expect him to be sociable. Shake the bottle.

He is almost a teenager. Hormones are doing their thing. Shake the bottle.

His sister is getting on his nerves. Shake the bottle.

Grandparents are taking his sisters side. Shake the bottle.

He doesn’t want to go out again, Shake the bottle.

Grandad says he is stupid. Shake the bottle hard.

McDonald’s is noisy and the lights are too bright and flickering and buzzing. Shake that bottle.

It’s all too much, he wants to go home. Shake the bottle.

He puts his hood up because the lights and the noise and the people are too much and he feels dreadful because everyone hates him. Shake the bottle.

Grandad calls him stupid again, for trying to protect himself the only way he can, hiding in his hood and wishing the world would go away.

The bottle explodes. It explodes dramatically as there has been a lot of shaking.

ClaudiaD13 · 30/12/2017 21:59

Spot on @Notevilstepmother

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 30/12/2017 22:07

Agree with Notthevilstep... Aspergers and ASD are very much a social disability, you cannot expect a child with them to process the stimuli of the external world, which he already finds overbearing on the same way as you would from a neurotypical kid. That would be like expecting someone without legs running a marathon. Yes some people with the disability can do it, but by no means all of them.

Notevilstepmother · 30/12/2017 22:08

It is reasonable for him to have some kind of consequences for hitting, and to make sure he understands that hitting isn’t right. A apology is perfectly reasonable and a good social skill for him to learn.

It isn’t reasonable to expect your in laws to understand autism, how would they know? It’s obvious to everyone due to personal and professional experience, but it’s not something a childminder would be expected to have learnt in the context of an almost teenage boy.

Grandad sounds like a bit of a man child frankly, calling him stupid and threatening to knock him out isn’t an adult way to behave. However as they are providing free childcare I don’t think it’s fair for you to be angry at them.

I suspect you may be better splitting the children for childcare, send the girls to grandparents and see if you can find someone who can keep an eye on your son at home perhaps? I suspect if he was home he would be less stressed out.

I have Aspergers myself btw.

Notevilstepmother · 30/12/2017 22:11

That shouldn’t say obvious to everyone, it should say obvious to me.

Not sure where the typo came from.

FireCracker2 · 30/12/2017 22:22

Op- you talk about typical sibling bickering, ao what happens your when his sisters call him 'stupid' or similar, does he go for them?

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