AIBU - Son with ASD hit his Grandad!

[Vixen884]

I don't post on here often but I'm an avid reader and now looking for advice as I am fizzing inside! This could be long to include relevant info so sorry in advance.

My son has Asperger's, he is 12 and is generally very well behaved and loving. He does have a temper when pushed or feeling over whelmed, we as a family recognise this and know how to avoid outburst etc Discipline is always a discussion on his behaviour, followed by a punishment like no computers etc.

So anyway recently he has not been wanting to stay with Grandparents (they go frequently to help with childcare during holidays etc) due to how they treat him, he says they favour his sisters and he's always getting into trouble....So for example if he says to his little sister ' She has no brain' as siblings do bicker! They will tell him he's stupid and he has no brain, instead of saying 'That's not nice, how do you think that makes your sister feel? etc'. He takes this very literally and it's been building up to a point where today he was apparently called stupid for the 3rd or 4th time over a few days and he has lashed out and hit his Grandad as he felt so frustrated. He is a big boy for 12 and incredibly strong when angry so I think he gave his Grandad a fright who is also a big guy and not a frail man in the slightest. I'm just going to add in here as well that his Grandad is a very jokey person and it probably sounds worse here than how its meant to come across, I think his aim is to make my son feel the way his sisters do by saying the same to him but it doesn't work for someone who takes things literally and not in the jokey/hidden message way.

I have talked it out with the kids and have come to the conclusion that the Grandparents are well out of order for how they are punishing him. My son has been told by us there will be a punishment for him hitting his Grandad and he needs to apologise as its not acceptable at all! But AIBU to be angry at the Grandparents for not taking the time to understand his Asperger's and adjusting their discipline methods? Today after my son hit his Grandad, a passing comment was made to my daughter about how her brother was going to get knocked out?!?! WTF I am so angry, I just want to know I am not being soft and unreasonable before I have this out with some already difficult to deal with inlaws?

Thanks

Blind comparison.

I feel sad for the grandparents. They childmind your dc for love, not money, and will feel punished when you tell them they can't be trusted to do it anymore. They will feel as if they have done something terribly wrong and they haven't really, just 'parented' in the only way they know how.

I also think it is a terrible lesson for your son. I know he is only 12 but, as pp have said, he must learn that it is unacceptable to hit people, and never justified, not even when provoked.

If it were me, I would talk to the grandparents more along the lines of an apology, and how it has been a wake up call regarding ds getting older and needing new strategies, you would love their help handling tough situations in a specific way, as you do at home, for consistency.

So he takes things in a literal way and can’t handle being told he is stupid but he’s happy to ‘joke’ to his sisters telling them they are stupid?

Not buying it.

Completely agree with RainyApril.

The grandfather's idea of 'parenting' is to tell a child they're stupid repeatedly - and you feel sad for them?!
Fluffy do you not grasp the concept that something said by a child to a sibling takes on a whole different context when said by an adult to that child? And when it's said in multiple environments? Added to which, he may be using it to his sister in a context where he feels like she has no brain and so he's being serious in a sibling-slanging-match type of way so it's not joking as such. On what planet should an adult be telling a child they're stupid?

What a difficult situation. I work with teenagers, some with ASD and know you have to choose the words you use with consideration. In our area there is a local ASD support organisation that will provide information and training sessions for family and friends. It might be worth seeing if there is anything similar in your area.

I wish people would stop with the 'all children need to learn'.

OP - what are you going to do then?

Might it be best for your son not to be looked after by his grandparents if they are not able to manage him as well as you?

It's time for you all to benefit from some specialist challenging behaviour training. Autism becomes 'worse' for want of a better term during puberty and your son is on the cusp of it.

Try the National Autistic Society
for their family support services.

Also, the Girl with the Curly hair project holds lots of training workshops and webinars. It's mainly for girls with ASD but the webinars are accessible to everyone. There are lots of strategies which would be adaptable for boys & helpful to everyone.

Shouting in someone's face may well be asking for trouble but what is hitting the kind of person who shouts in your face? You're either going to get into trouble or escalate it to a fight. I don't think saying it's wrong to hit but they were asking for it is a good message to send to kids who already struggle to control violent impulses.
What happens in 10 years time when it's their partner provoking them during an argument? Still ok to attack them? If not at what point does it change from being understandable and the other person provoking them and asking for it?

Op- you talk about typical sibling bickering, ao what happens your when his sisters call him 'stupid' or similar, does he go for them?
Or daren't they say anything to him?

"Aspergers is a bit of a fucker. Often, people with it are held to a higher expectation of behaviour than what they are capable of managing. That’s why the comment someone made about making a blind person see earlier is relevant."
^^This
I don't think people realise that it is exactly the same as misunderstanding someone who is blind, deaf, or in a wheelchair. Sure, there are strategies to use, but some situations are no easier for the autistic person to manage. It's an invisible disability, but it's just as real.

My son has been told by us there will be a punishment for him hitting his Grandad

so why is the Op punishing him for something she believes he can't help?

Ds is 8 and autistic. In the past few months he has become increasingly violent. I don’t punish him for it because it isn’t in his control what I do do is try to look at the situation and what happened in the build up to try to paint a picture of what has caused it. So in this case it is pretty obvious what caused it so the grandfather needs to try to find ways to adapt his language use to that which won’t be provocative.

why is the Op punishing him for something she believes he can't help?

Well, I used to punish physical aggression so as to avoid my DS learning that "hitting someone makes me feel better so it's a good thing to do even when I can help it". It's a judgment call though, some parents are fully non-punishment and it works for them.

I feel sad for the grandparents.

I feel very sad for them too rainy, your suggestion is kindly and diplomatic and I hope it works. But if it doesn't then he can't be left in care where he is likely to lash out violently. The grandparents' feelings can't trump everyone's physical safety or the emotional damage for themselves and for DS of another lash-out.

as pp have said, he must learn that it is unacceptable to hit people

To be fair he probably already knows that. For sure, you wouldn't want him to start learning now that hitting people is acceptable but I can't see anything the OP is doing that is teaching him that, she clearly said that DS will be punished for it and that he will have to apologise.

But there is no magic that will stop him lashing out if his grandfather can't learn to manage him differently.

Op you need to leave your DS with people who.understand him and his condition, it was unfair towards him and them, of you to leave him with them. I have a dd 10 who has Asd and learning difficulties. Yes Asd provides an explanation not am excuse.you need to be risk taking when you leave him, considering your parents behaviour towards him in the passed, I would not be leaving him with them.

My 12yo son (asd/adhd) was the same. Used to punch, kick and bite me, his sister, anyone who made him angry (once, notably, a kid half his age at school. In the face). He now uses stress balls to squeeze his anger into rather than hit people. If at home he will go upstairs and punch his pillow. He worked out that he'd rather do that than get arrested for assault (we told him that was a real possibility once he hit 10).
Perhaps your son could work out some strategies to help with anger/meltdown? Deep pressure might work, and he can do it to himself.
Maybe also have a chat to the grandparents about how the only way asd kids will learn the bits of social interaction that don't come innately to them is by modelling...so calling him stupid would have the absolute opposite effect it was intended to have anyway...
It isnt an easy condition to live with, either for the person who has it or their family, but it's made easier if everyone is on board with the same consistent strategies.
For those who don't buy the idea that he can be upset by something but not realise the same thing will upset other people, that, right there, is a hallmark of asd so common it's used as part of the diagnostic process, so yes, it is entirely possible he didn't even think calling his sister stupid would upset her.
Asd kids also need a lot of down time from socialising. Is there a way he could have more of a break from his siblings? My two function much better when ds is allowed a good, long break from dd.

I didn’t voice my private thoughts about the other person learning a lesson about being hit to my child. That would be counterproductive. My stance is that we never hit.

However, having worked in mainstream education with autistic children there is a real element of NT children deliberately winding up the autistic children for a reaction when they think no ones looking. I’ve seen it happen. So I do think there’s a natural consequence to most things all round.

I'd be furious if relatives reacted like that with ds too though...but I think you have to assume the comment about him getting 'knocked out' was a stupid thing said in the heat of the moment by someone who was upset and shocked. They handled him incorrectly...they just need strategies.

I think how you go forward largely depends on what degree of independence you expect him to realistically be able to have in the future.

It's reasonable to expect adults and nt peers to be considerate, but unfortunately not realistic. And if he is going to have any degree of independence at some point he's going to come into contact with others who also have sn or another additional need that he finds annoying/ triggering.

So I think if it's at all feasible it's in his interests to learn another coping strategy.

Slightly different but I had to speak to dd's school recently about a girl with hfa. She's not doing anything hurtful let alone violent, but dd and others were covering up something she really shouldn't be doing regularly. But with this girls prospects, something that will be detrimental if she continues as an adult, and while dd & co had the best intentions, they weren't really acting in her best long term interests by shielding her. Much kinder for school and her parents to be aware and find her other, more permanent coping strategies.