Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Son with ASD hit his Grandad!

207 replies

Vixen884 · 29/12/2017 22:39

I don't post on here often but I'm an avid reader and now looking for advice as I am fizzing inside! This could be long to include relevant info so sorry in advance.

My son has Asperger's, he is 12 and is generally very well behaved and loving. He does have a temper when pushed or feeling over whelmed, we as a family recognise this and know how to avoid outburst etc Discipline is always a discussion on his behaviour, followed by a punishment like no computers etc.

So anyway recently he has not been wanting to stay with Grandparents (they go frequently to help with childcare during holidays etc) due to how they treat him, he says they favour his sisters and he's always getting into trouble....So for example if he says to his little sister ' She has no brain' as siblings do bicker! They will tell him he's stupid and he has no brain, instead of saying 'That's not nice, how do you think that makes your sister feel? etc'. He takes this very literally and it's been building up to a point where today he was apparently called stupid for the 3rd or 4th time over a few days and he has lashed out and hit his Grandad as he felt so frustrated. He is a big boy for 12 and incredibly strong when angry so I think he gave his Grandad a fright who is also a big guy and not a frail man in the slightest. I'm just going to add in here as well that his Grandad is a very jokey person and it probably sounds worse here than how its meant to come across, I think his aim is to make my son feel the way his sisters do by saying the same to him but it doesn't work for someone who takes things literally and not in the jokey/hidden message way.

I have talked it out with the kids and have come to the conclusion that the Grandparents are well out of order for how they are punishing him. My son has been told by us there will be a punishment for him hitting his Grandad and he needs to apologise as its not acceptable at all! But AIBU to be angry at the Grandparents for not taking the time to understand his Asperger's and adjusting their discipline methods? Today after my son hit his Grandad, a passing comment was made to my daughter about how her brother was going to get knocked out?!?! WTF I am so angry, I just want to know I am not being soft and unreasonable before I have this out with some already difficult to deal with inlaws?

Thanks

OP posts:
zzzzz · 30/12/2017 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FireCracker2 · 30/12/2017 22:50

I don’t think we need to know the ins and outs of the child’s difficulties within his home.

I'm sorry, who are you?

FireCracker2 · 30/12/2017 22:57

.. and this is very relevant.The incident arose out of what the OP describes as 'normal sibling bickering'.If the sisters were able to stand up for themselves then maybe GF would not need to get involved.So do your DDs namecall him back ?
What happens then

zzzzz · 30/12/2017 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FireCracker2 · 30/12/2017 23:40

I don't think it is up to you to tell people what to post!

I will disagree.The lad calling his sister names, and GF stepping in to defend them was what instigated the whole incident on this occasion and Three or four times previously over a few days.This is a repeating pattern of events.Of course it is relevant!

zzzzz · 30/12/2017 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClaudiaD13 · 30/12/2017 23:46

No, my understanding is that the sibling bickering was background information to give insight into how the GF tends to deal inappropriately with his a boy who has ASD. This particular incident was caused by the GF calling the boy stupid for having his hood up in McDonald's. I'm not surprised a boy who was clearly in sensory overload lashed out under these circumstances. The GF is to blame and needs training on how to better look after a child with ASD.

crunchymint · 30/12/2017 23:56

Is your DD being expected to put up with too much from her brother and this is what the GPs are reacting to?

FireCracker2 · 31/12/2017 00:05

This makes it sound as though name calling the sisters is a recurring issue and sets in course a chain of events which ends up with granddad calling him stupid.
''I think his aim is to make my son feel the way his sisters do by saying the same to him but it doesn't work for someone who takes things literally and not in the jokey/hidden message way.

FireCracker2 · 31/12/2017 00:09

so MAYBE it would it be easier for the DS not to call his sisters stupid, rather than setting in motion the predicatable chain of events that ends with DGF calling HIM stupid and the DS getting frustrated and lashing out
I would still oiek to know whether the sisters call him names back and whether he belts them when they do?

Kleinzeit · 31/12/2017 00:52

The lad calling his sister names, and GF stepping in to defend them was what instigated the whole incident on this occasion and Three or four times previously over a few days.

No, that's not what happened. The OP already explained that in a follow up message. It was her DS who was repeatedly called names by his grandfather over the last few days, and not the girls by her DS.

so MAYBE it would it be easier for the DS not to call his sisters stupid, rather than setting in motion the predicatable chain of events that ends with DGF calling HIM stupid and the DS getting frustrated and lashing out

Really? In my world it's much easier to convince an adult who doesn't have SN to stop calling a child names. But ok, MAYBE in your world it's easier to get children with SN to behave in a mature responsible way than adults.

zzzzz · 31/12/2017 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Vixen884 · 31/12/2017 01:23

Thank you for all the replies! As hard as some of them where to read! I had calmed down today and had a chance to speak to my girls and my DS.
My son has been punished and told he needs to apologise to his Grandad for hitting out, regardless of anything else it's not acceptable behaviour and I can see he is remorseful regarding the situation!
My oldest daughter who is almost 10 said her brother is not insulting her to the point she is upset but she was upset about the way her grandparents were treating him, they are very close and look out for each other so I believe her when she tells me her view on things. I feel people are focusing too much on the sibling banter, which in reality is stock phrases my ds has learned and repeated. His sisters almost 10 and 5 are very different the 10yr old knows him inside out and tells him he's being rude if saying mean things, my almost 5 yr old is still learning herself what is right and wrong!
I am still torn on how I'll tackle the Inlaws they are not the easiest to speak to. For those who feel it's all down to childcare, I have a childminder who my son is very comfortable with it's not that he has to go to the grandparents, we had been avoiding it lately as I saw this building but occasionally it's needed due to holidays or they like to have the kids although it is obvious the preference is the girls as they don't seem upset if my Ds wants to stay home with us.
I have to say though for those commenting on his temper and the real world etc he copes very well so far as there is a few boys at school who really push him and he has never hit out! He also has never raised his hand to me or his sisters and we probably push him the hardest emotionally, he knows it's wrong! So hitting is Grandad is the real issue here not his future Criminal possibilities :(

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2017 01:38

Wishing you the best with this OP.

zzzzz · 31/12/2017 01:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nikephorus · 31/12/2017 09:18

Eldest DD sounds like a bit of a Star. I'd just keep DS home if possible if DDs go to inlaws. I doubt he'd mind and eldest DD sounds like she'd understand. And I wouldn't worry about DS hitting his grandad - he's (DS) probably learnt something from it and maybe grandad will think about his own behaviour too.

Kleinzeit · 31/12/2017 10:43

My oldest daughter who is almost 10 said her brother is not insulting her to the point she is upset ... His sisters almost 10 and 5 are very different the 10yr old knows him inside out and tells him he's being rude if saying mean things, my almost 5 yr old is still learning herself what is right and wrong!

I agree the insults are a separate issue but now may be a sensible time to work on these "stock phrases" as your DS is growing up. Insults/ joking/ banter/ teasing etc are a minefield for children with ASCs. Would it be better from now on to have a rule that no-one in the family gets to call anyone names (jokingly or otherwise) any more and that everyone is pulled up on it? You could agree a policy across the whole family -- and that gives you a way out from your in-laws if they wont sign up to it.

You don't have to penalise your DS for calling names but you could remind him when he does ("that's calling names") and praise/reward him for saying things to his sisters that are kind and pro-social instead. If they can't keep it up all day then have some fixed "happy times" when the kids are together and no-one gets to call names and managing to avoid to avoid nasty "banter" gets noticed and praised (you were kind to DD even though she was annoying you, well done for remembering to call her DDsName, well done DD for letting your DBro have the TV remote etc). It's about raising your DS's awareness and giving him some practise.

As for the in-laws, if you need them for holiday cover then it really is a matter of childcare. So for the next couple of years at least until your DS is old enough to stay home by himself you do need to find alternative holiday cover, so that you are in a position to tell your in-laws that if they refuse to discipline your children in the way that you judge is right and safe then they don't get left in charge of them, end of story. They will be much easier to handle if you are not dependent on them.

FireCracker2 · 31/12/2017 12:11

Bickering and banter is 2 way
It seems that the 10 year old has learned she has to just take insults and not react.She accepts being bullied now as the norm .Not cool OP! One day that will be a partner insulting her and she has been trained to just take it

FireCracker2 · 31/12/2017 12:15

also if your DS can keep his temper around boys who wind him up but he he knows would hit him back, then there is absolutely no excuse for hitting an elderly man

Spikeyball · 31/12/2017 12:42

Lots of children would see ' banter' from a peer group as being different from the same words coming from someone who is looking after them.

Spikeyball · 31/12/2017 12:45

Additionally many children with asd expect conflict at school but view time out of school as a time they shouldn't be getting it.

Thehogfather · 31/12/2017 12:47

fire even if you were correct, which in this case I don't believe you are, the gf methods aren't the way to go about it. They aren't just useless, they do nothing but cause harm.

One of dd's bfs has over the years trashed her stuff, ruined days out/ play dates , limited social plans, hit her, caused dd to fall out with other friends, insulted and screamed at her. And you know what? She's still one of her bfs because she can't help it and all her amazing points far outweigh the stuff she can't help. She doesn't seek out her company or include her because it's the kind thing to do, she's her friend, end of. Dd has and would metaphorically tear apart anyone else who even tried, let alone did, some of the things her bf has done. And God help any outsider who dared to criticise or 'teach' her friend. Deliberately cause her friend to have a meltdown and dd is more than capable of demonstrating that her own full scale nt cold and justifiable anger is the one the perpetrator needs to watch out for.

I can only imagine that for a sibling that feeling is magnified a million times.

Nikephorus · 31/12/2017 13:20

I can't decide if Firecracker is being deliberately goady or is just exceptionally ignorant....

ClaudiaD13 · 31/12/2017 13:51

Firecracker do you actually have any experience of children with ASD?

You cannot discipline a child with ASD in the same way you might deal with a NT child.

It's difficult to comprehend I know. I struggle to understand sometimes how things that are so innate to me are completely alien to him. My son is ten and has only just learnt that a smiley face means happy and and angry face means angry. He has still not learnt how to respond appropriately to said emotions though. I can't imagine not knowing that the person in front of me is sad or upset possibly even as a result of something I did, but that is his reality.

He is horrible to his brother but often has no understanding of the hurt he causes him. For example he is often critical of his brothers artwork. I pull him up on it every time, of course I do. I recently suggested that before he spoke he ask himself is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? He response? It was true the drawing was crap, it is kind as now he knows he needs to improve his drawing skills and it's necessary as he doesn't want to have to keep looking at awful drawings. He wasn't saying all that to be a smart arse he just views the world differently. I tried asking him how he would feel if someone said his artwork was crap and he had a meltdown. He genuinely doesn't know how he would feel. His emotional intelligence is around that of a 4 year old but with the language skills of a 15 year old. Makes him seem obnoxious when in reality he is struggling to understand.

It's hard for siblings it really is, and of course we do our best to teach him, but this is the reality of ASD.

FireCracker2 · 31/12/2017 14:41

*You cannot discipline a child with ASD in the same way you might deal with a NT child.

It's difficult to comprehend I know. I struggle to understand sometimes how things that are so innate to me are completely alien to him. My son is ten and has only just learnt that a smiley face means happy and and angry face means angry. He has still not learnt how to respond appropriately to said emotions though. I can't imagine not knowing that the person in front of me is sad or upset possibly even as a result of something I did, but that is his reality*

Yes I get that.I am not trying to be goady (on this occasion Wink but I am trying to understand
How does the OP's method of saying to the boy ' how do you think it makes your sister feel when you call her stupid' work? The poor kid just doesn't know!
His GF is SHOWING him how it feels.Of course it makes the boy angry and he lashes out which of course is not great, but maybe it IS teaching him something.