Give presents back or not?

[Jibberoo]

Hi all I have a major dilemma that I need some advice on. I'm just going to give all details so please stick with it. Before Xmas we saw our inlaws for Xmas lunch and to exchange gifts. They drove down to us as they were staying with friends near by for a few days. Anyway they haven't seen DS for ages (1 day all year I think) and haven't spoken to him either. Over dinner at restaurant ds makes a joke at MI expense - it was rude but he had heard his dad and uncle calling her this name in jest and he thought it would be funny too (he's 8). I pulled him up on it and told him off, dinner continued. We all get home for coffee etc and PI state that they are leaving as MI feels insulted by DS (calling her rude name in jest and not hugging her when they came 1st). I tell ds to go apologise to MI, he goes up says sorry and tries to give her a hug to say sorry. She pushes him away and FI and MI state that they don't forgive ds as are leaving. I remind them that the reason he didn't run to them and hug them when he saw them was that they haven't really seen or spoken to him all year. Ds very upset as he honestly thought he was making a joke like other adults were and he didn't want to hurt MI.
Anyway they leave and leave the presents they brought for ds dh and me. I inform ds that he can't open any presents from them as they it's not appropriate.
Ds cries himself to sleep because he thinks he's been so bad that now gps don't love him.
I'm angry at him for being rude but then more for not accepting apology that was really meant. Come Xmas day no text or phone call to ds from gps and he's upset all over again.
Fast forward to today (we were away after that), I don't know what to do with presents left behind. Mine I'm definitely sending back. But do I stick to guns and send ds presents back to gps? More than anything I think that presents that aren't given with love mean nothing and shouldn't be opened. Ds isn't missing out on presents trust me so it's more of a principle. Thing is I don't want to punish ds but I don't want him thinking that it's ok to not speak to family as long as you give presents (ie gps don't speak to him but leave expensive presents).
So AIBU to send gps presents back with note to say that since they can't forgive ds then presents aren't necessary?

Advice much needed

Did you call them on Christmas Day? I think that would have been a nice gesture.

I’m sorry the boy is 8 your mil was being unreasonable the child was repeating something he heard. To push him away and refuse his apology is childish

Sorry pressed post befor I finished.

Also the lad can hardly have a loving relationship with them if they don’t contact him.

Send the lot back

I'm not sure what the answer is sorry, but it does sound like you had a role in escalating the whole thing (did you allow him to cry himself to sleep over it? Did you show that you were angry because surely you shouldn't have been). I don't think you should send the presents back - but I do think you should find a way to de-escalate things so that an 8yo doesn't feel responsible for a major family argument. As for the grandparents, if they can't offer unconditional love to a child then their role should be limited.

@Frostie I bloody hope she didn't since her MIL was acting like a petulant child

OP - YANBU. Trying to think of a solution where the message of sending the gifts back is received loud and clear by ILs but your DS doesn't feel punished... bit stumped I'm afraid! Hopefully other posters will have good suggestions!

They don't FORGIVE their dgs? WTAF. Did they actually tell him that? I find that astonishing.

Pils sound bloody awful and quite pathetic. I'd find it hard to forgive them. Your boy is 8, he was excited for Xmas and to see his grandparents. Awful of them.

What does your partner want to do about this?
Has he spoken to them about not forgiving an 8 year old who apologised?
They're his parents after all

They sound extremely petulant. Send them back and tell them not to bother next year. What horrible people. Disgusting behaviour from adults. Your son is 8 and clearly regretted his joke and apologised, then went to hug your MIL and she pushed him away? Appalling. Phone them and tell them you're sending presents back and you find their behaviour disgusting and they've ruined your child's Christmas. If they don't normally bother and it won't impact his life much then tell them where to shove it. Vile people!

Just keep the presents and put this behind you, but keep a distance from them.

Personally if it were me I would let this escalate much more. You may be pissed off but don't make it worse. Obviously they were offended but hey they have a right to their own feelings too.
If it were me I would play it down as your son seems to know he was out of order I'd get him to write a little letter thanking them for the gift and also saying that he is sad that he made her upset (it's not up to you if he can have it it's a gift from them after all )
I'm not saying that's the perfect solution but that what I would have done x

What exactly did he say to ypur MiL?

Fgs the child has been punished and humiliated enough for something that wasnt even his fault! It was his fathers amd uncles fault and theyve let a child take the fall for them and you have REPEATEDLY punished the child for simply following his dads example!
Give the poor kid a break and let him open his present its done now!

I would send them back.
She was out of order pushing him away and not excepting his apology and leaving. Totally ridiculous.

Sorry I mean WOULD NOT let this escalate.. whoops

The GPs have acted appallingly although I'm not sure what sending gifts back will achieve?

What does your DH say about all of this?

They are ridiculous. Your poor son. I seriously wonder what goes through some people's heads when they treat little children like this.

What does your DH have to say about it?

They've had their egos dented.

I'd send the presents back and make sure your DS feels absolutely fine about the whole thing. He won't slip up again.

Why wouldn’t she forgive a child? It’s really mean to punish him like this. I wouldn’t send them back, if you don’t want yours donate it to the local charity shop.

I would be the bigger person. Let him open his gift and then get him to write a thank you card with another apology in it. Then send the card with the present that's yours but make sure you put a note explaining why yours is coming back

Firstly, your mil has no right to expect a hug from your ds. Not every child feels comfortable hugging and that is ok. Secondly, she should be mad at her own kids, not your dd6 who was parroting something he'd heard. Thirdly, your dh should have said something. Send the gifts back and tell them why

Withholding the presents from your son is unnecessary. It's punishing him. Let him open his.

Could you message them and tell them how upset ds is and that you think they really need to apologize to him? It sounds so weird that they don't contact him, not nice. If they refuse again I think I'd give the presents to a charity shop - saves you the bother of sending them back and the awkwardness.... also they can't then go get a refund.

So an 8 year old boy repeated an adult joke and is now in the dog house? Are they for real? He's 8 and was repeating an adult joke. How was he to know it was wrong to do so and thst it was not funny. Poor wee soul. It was of course right you told him off and right he should say sorry. But ffs that should of been the end of it. How pathetic they are being!! Your poor boy. We teach our children to say sorry then forgive and forget. What right minded adult holds a long term grudge against a child.

As for the lack if hug, that's their own fault. If they want that sort of relationship with him they need to put in the effort to see him and spend that time building love and trust.

As for the presents, part of me feels why should your son suffer just because his grandparents are eejits! But I do understand your way of thinking and perhaps sending all vack with a note would be best.

Out if curiosity what does your dh have to say about all of this?