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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Give presents back or not?

209 replies

Jibberoo · 29/12/2017 21:57

Hi all I have a major dilemma that I need some advice on. I'm just going to give all details so please stick with it. Before Xmas we saw our inlaws for Xmas lunch and to exchange gifts. They drove down to us as they were staying with friends near by for a few days. Anyway they haven't seen DS for ages (1 day all year I think) and haven't spoken to him either. Over dinner at restaurant ds makes a joke at MI expense - it was rude but he had heard his dad and uncle calling her this name in jest and he thought it would be funny too (he's 8). I pulled him up on it and told him off, dinner continued. We all get home for coffee etc and PI state that they are leaving as MI feels insulted by DS (calling her rude name in jest and not hugging her when they came 1st). I tell ds to go apologise to MI, he goes up says sorry and tries to give her a hug to say sorry. She pushes him away and FI and MI state that they don't forgive ds as are leaving. I remind them that the reason he didn't run to them and hug them when he saw them was that they haven't really seen or spoken to him all year. Ds very upset as he honestly thought he was making a joke like other adults were and he didn't want to hurt MI.
Anyway they leave and leave the presents they brought for ds dh and me. I inform ds that he can't open any presents from them as they it's not appropriate.
Ds cries himself to sleep because he thinks he's been so bad that now gps don't love him.
I'm angry at him for being rude but then more for not accepting apology that was really meant. Come Xmas day no text or phone call to ds from gps and he's upset all over again.
Fast forward to today (we were away after that), I don't know what to do with presents left behind. Mine I'm definitely sending back. But do I stick to guns and send ds presents back to gps? More than anything I think that presents that aren't given with love mean nothing and shouldn't be opened. Ds isn't missing out on presents trust me so it's more of a principle. Thing is I don't want to punish ds but I don't want him thinking that it's ok to not speak to family as long as you give presents (ie gps don't speak to him but leave expensive presents).
So AIBU to send gps presents back with note to say that since they can't forgive ds then presents aren't necessary?

Advice much needed

OP posts:
gingergenius · 29/12/2017 22:36

Op send your gifts back if you must but don't make DS feel he is responsible for grown up dramas.

mogulfield · 29/12/2017 22:36

If your DH doesn’t want his toxic mother in his life then listen to him. Your DS doesn’t need her influence in his life, it’ll only be negative by the sounds of it.
I’m NC with my toxic mother and am so much happier, no family is better than a toxic one! Especially as they only bothered with him one day this year anyway.

LokiBear · 29/12/2017 22:37

Stinky old nanna? Really? None of the adults in my family would be offended by an 8 year old calling them that. Especially when the child was reprimanded by their parent. My 6yo nice calls my dh uncle poo poo head and my bum stinky sam. Yes he's just a kid and he's trying to be funny. Your mil needs a very large grip handing to her.

CisCucumber · 29/12/2017 22:37

Now you have seen what they are like why would you want them to have a relationship with your son?
He needs protecting from them

Chathamhouserules · 29/12/2017 22:37

I would have minimised it to my ds and said "oh granny wasn't feeling well so she went home. Of course she loves you. Shall we open her pressie now, and then write her a letter to say thanks?" No need to involve him in all this nastiness. But then maybe steer clear from them for a while.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 29/12/2017 22:37

No, see what DH wants. They are his parents. You need to respect his wishes.

SkyIsTooHigh · 29/12/2017 22:37

Sending the presents back would add fuel to the fire and is not a good way to show DS how to manage adult relationships. Also however much he's already been given, it's normal for him to receive a gift from them (I assume) so it may make him feel further ashamed if his action costs him a gift as well as causing a family rift - and he WILL feel it like that to a degree, no matter how much you reassure him.

Open the gifts, and send extremely polite but non-gushing thank you notes very promptly. I think your DH probably needs to make the next move, perhaps talking to his dad.

You really can't go getting upset because GPs didn't ring their GS. They were probably sat at home stewing because you hadn't rung them!

LokiBear · 29/12/2017 22:38

My bil is stinky sam. Not my bum!Blush

Trampire · 29/12/2017 22:38

I would give your ds his, but I would send yours back with note totally explaining why.

It's unforgivable to do that to a child. My heart goes out to your ds. I know how deeply my own ds feels things when he thinks he's done something wrong.

Eatalot · 29/12/2017 22:39

What kind of nasty old vile humans push away an 8 year old who was trying to hig them and say he is not forgiven. Id bloody well send them back and tell them exactly what I think of them. Your son apologised and didnt mean to hurt anyone so dont be angry with him. His gps dont deserve to be in his life. They are vile.

PegLegAntoine · 29/12/2017 22:39

So she does know that it's a family joke presumably? And that he was only copying them?

Anyway not entirely the point tbh as it was a silly and rude thing to say yes, but he apologized sincerely and for an 8yo that should be enough :(

Doubletrouble99 · 29/12/2017 22:44

I think Cathycake's suggestion not to exacerbate the situation by sending the presents back, but sending a thank you card is a really grown up way of dealing with this and the way I would go.

Starlight2345 · 29/12/2017 22:46

I wouldm'tsend them back.. I agree adding fuel to the fire.

I also would give DS his present. It isn't about him not having enough stuff.. its knowing something he did made him not worthy of a gift. He got it wrong but he is 8 and will do many many times more.

I would send a thank you note for the gifts.

Do nothing to encourage this relationship.. while my DS has a small family we talk about spending time with people who want to spend time with us ..

Tiredmum100 · 29/12/2017 22:47

He's 8 ffs. Poor kid. What kind of gp don't forgive an 8 year old for joke. My dc are always calling me things like "mummy poo poo" etc. I've been told things by other people's children. She should have just laughed it off. And then not to contact on Christmas day is just plain weird. I'd send the stuff back and keep him well away. I can't believe a grown adult to act that way to an 8 year old. Fair enough he had to apologise etc, but then let it go!

Stillme1 · 29/12/2017 22:49

Poor Grandmother comes a journey to visit Son DIL and DGS and is told she is a stinky old nana.

The persons to blame here are the Grandmother's 2 sons. They should not have spoken about their mother and the child's grandmother in such terms in her hearing
I wonder if Grandmother knows this is how her sons talk about her and now a grandchild is saying the things. Horrible way to act towards a visitor.
I wonder too if Grandmother is having problems with menopausal hot flushes and or perhaps continence issues and this was the straw that broke her. Older people are sometimes very fragile about aging stuff and I am sure she was devastated at being talked about so horribly.
Unless you married the boy next door you can have no idea what your DH childhood was like. Even if you did live next door you would still not know all the details.

Mrsmadevans · 29/12/2017 22:49

Is it just me ? Only I don't think it was that bad a thing for him to say. I Her reaction seems totally OTT.

BackforGood · 29/12/2017 22:50

ds was rude (as you have acknowledged both on here and at the time).
I'm not surprised MiL was upset. However you told him off, you explained his mistake - and that there was no intent. By the time she was leaving, your MiL should have been able to let it go.
What I don't understand though is why you escalated it. They left presents. I don't understand why, on Christmas day, you didn't all open your presents, then call the GPs to say thank you, and then take it from there. If I've read your posts right it appears that you want to stir this rather than letting it go as unfortunate and carry on trying to maintain the awkwardness.

annielouise · 29/12/2017 22:52

I agree with cathycake's approach. Open the presents, get your DS to write a thank you note and say sorry again.

What she did wasn't nice but she was probably very hurt and feels disrespected by her kids and now her grandkids.

How she responds I don't know but the ball will be in her court.

isadoradancing123 · 29/12/2017 22:52

I would let him open his presents and then see what happens after that

Ruffian · 29/12/2017 22:53

Just because the other's think it's a joke doesn't mean your MIL has to find it funny - it's really not that funny to call someone old and stinky and not really equivalent to clearly daft names like Mummy poo poo. It's not your ds' fault tho'.

If you send the presents back you have lost the moral high ground, it's just going to look like retaliating in spite and mixed messages as well if you only send some back and not others.

littlebird55 · 29/12/2017 22:55

Don't send the presents back.
It is insulting and unkind.
I am not sure what the horrible name was, but clearly it has really upset them.
I would write to them with an apology and leave it at that. They ought to be more forgiving of a child, but I am not sure what was said, so it would depend on how offended they are.
It sounds like a strained relationship tbh but don't make it any worse. Try to make amends if you can.

Appleandcinnamon · 29/12/2017 22:55

She doesn’t have to find it funny but she
DOES have to appreciate that a child said it and that child is 8.

Ginkypig · 29/12/2017 22:56

No family is better than shit family.

It sounds to me like you'd rather flog this dead horse of a toxic relationship under the guise of "family" even to the detriment of your sons and husband emotional welfare.

I can see that on the surface why that would make sense but honestly the best bit of advice I can give you is family is only important if the people in it show love and respect to one another. If not it's better not to have any at all.

Teach your son that it's not ok for anyone to treat him that way even if they are related and show him that if someone does you will protect him from that behaviour until he is old enough and has learnt the lessons to do it for himself.

Original poster
Jibberoo · 29/12/2017 22:56

Ok I've read each post carefully (thank you everyone for taking the time) and here is what I've concluded
A) don't send presents back as it's adding fuel to fire and will only underline to ds he did something wrong. Tell ds they love him even if they can't always show it correctly
B) send my (and dh) presents back and tell them thank you but no thank you
C) leave things and don't try and contact PI but don't stop them contacting ds if they want
Btw, DH may hate his p but he also loves them and desperately wants them to love him too. It's too big a tale to get into now but it's not easy for him. Worst still I know we'll have to see them again next year. Confused

Thanks Mumsnetters for helping me think things through.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 29/12/2017 22:56

tbh... it sounds like the Grandparents were looking for ANY excuse to walk out that door with a reason to never look back......

do not contact them ever again...

keep the presents .. send them back.. give them to charity.. makes no difference...

what matters is that they left an 8 year old child carrying the bag for them walking out the door... THAT is unforgivable by any standards...

I would NEVER allow this Stink Old Cow over my threshold ever again Flowers

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