Give presents back or not?

[Jibberoo]

Hi all I have a major dilemma that I need some advice on. I'm just going to give all details so please stick with it. Before Xmas we saw our inlaws for Xmas lunch and to exchange gifts. They drove down to us as they were staying with friends near by for a few days. Anyway they haven't seen DS for ages (1 day all year I think) and haven't spoken to him either. Over dinner at restaurant ds makes a joke at MI expense - it was rude but he had heard his dad and uncle calling her this name in jest and he thought it would be funny too (he's 8). I pulled him up on it and told him off, dinner continued. We all get home for coffee etc and PI state that they are leaving as MI feels insulted by DS (calling her rude name in jest and not hugging her when they came 1st). I tell ds to go apologise to MI, he goes up says sorry and tries to give her a hug to say sorry. She pushes him away and FI and MI state that they don't forgive ds as are leaving. I remind them that the reason he didn't run to them and hug them when he saw them was that they haven't really seen or spoken to him all year. Ds very upset as he honestly thought he was making a joke like other adults were and he didn't want to hurt MI.
Anyway they leave and leave the presents they brought for ds dh and me. I inform ds that he can't open any presents from them as they it's not appropriate.
Ds cries himself to sleep because he thinks he's been so bad that now gps don't love him.
I'm angry at him for being rude but then more for not accepting apology that was really meant. Come Xmas day no text or phone call to ds from gps and he's upset all over again.
Fast forward to today (we were away after that), I don't know what to do with presents left behind. Mine I'm definitely sending back. But do I stick to guns and send ds presents back to gps? More than anything I think that presents that aren't given with love mean nothing and shouldn't be opened. Ds isn't missing out on presents trust me so it's more of a principle. Thing is I don't want to punish ds but I don't want him thinking that it's ok to not speak to family as long as you give presents (ie gps don't speak to him but leave expensive presents).
So AIBU to send gps presents back with note to say that since they can't forgive ds then presents aren't necessary?

Advice much needed

Does your MiL call people stinky as a joke? Do other people in the family call her a stinky old woman? I can see why she's pissed off to be fair.

Let him have his present. If letters are your style I'd just send one stating you didn't appreciate her rejecting his apology and if she wants a closer relationship with DGS it would be good for them to come over more this coming year. But leave the ball in their court.

I think sending all the gifts back would be a bit petty and just add fuel to the fire but I do get the principle.

Omfg really. Not nice but seriously if he learned it from the grown ups around him why is he being punished. Your DH and mil need a good honest chat and own sobslly id let DS have the pressies because at 8 how the fuck is he supposed to know that wasn't ok if that's how some of the grown ups in his life refer to her?

Bloody hell I despair this Christmas!

Wow she sounds even more ridiculous!

I also don't see why you would send the presents back. Either give Ds his (I would) or charity the whole lot. Sending them back makes you as petty (or more) than them. I would be trying to promote kindness and bridges. Comments can be really hurtful. No Mil didn't handle it well but feeling the butt of a joke can be hard to take. Older folk sometimes forget how young, young kids are. I would just try and find some nice reason to contact them (a birthday. / Mother's Day etc) and see how they respond. If they are not interested then don't push it but don't be unfriendly.

It's sad that he feels sad wanting family / more family around but if you're saying they wouldn't bother if you didn't do all the running... then what's the point?

They sound like drama queens and pandering to them when THEY ARE OUT OF ORDER probably isn't a great example. I'd send it all back and cut them off. They probably wouldn't notice

'own sobslly id' should have read 'and honestly, I'd have...'

She raised her own children and gets upset with that? Perhaps you are now seeing why it's you and not your partner who insists on putting in the effort. It's not worth giving him these 'family' members at all costs.

You say your husband hates his parents but you keep in touch. I think you should respect your husbands feelings on this and see this episode as a clue to why he doesn't like them.

Didn’t handle it well? She pushed an 8 year old child away from her when he was trying to apologise. She sounds dreadful to me. I’ve never seen anything like that irl. Sounds horrid. Poor child.

I appreciate it wasn’t nice but he hardly turned round and called her a really rude word. It’s a bloody joke

No family is better than toxic family.

Taking DS to see them is just going to teach him that they can treat him badly and make him cry and then they get away with it. Show him that you value him more than them and cut them off.

Well rather, stop making an effort as they clearly wont bother.

As for the gifts, if you want to make a gesture then send them back. If you would rather just let it go quietly and never contact them again then send them to a charity shop.

Your DH hates them for a reason, you should have trusted him.

I don’t blame your mil for being upset. And you should have called her on Christmas Day especially given the circumstances.

Also you shouldn’t punish your ds by withholding his presents from your pils.

Sending presents back will make the situation so much worse and possibly irreconcilable. Let sleeping dogs lie...

That said, your mil was wrong to push your ds away.

Tbh you all sound batshit

Keep the presents & you send a letter saying if she wants a relationship with dgs, they need to be in his life, not just once a year

Leave the ball in their court but then it will be her choice to cut off contact 🙄

TBH, unless she's in on the joke I completely understand why she was upset and took personally. Was an explanation offered as to why it was said?

Her reaction is still OTT btw.

Poor boyI would stay clear of these people and protect your child from them

he goes up says sorry and tries to give her a hug to say sorry. She pushes him away and FI and MI state that they don't forgive ds as are leaving.

I mean wtaf? If anyone physically pushed a young child in front of me I’d be utterly repulsed and horrified.

Hi OP
I don't blame you at all for feeling so angry.to treat your DS like that is truly wrong and in no way was it deserved.
I'd give thought to what my dh feels,how much of a relationship,if any,does he want with them in the future?because what is said or done now is going to impact on that.
If he does want to be in contact he should tell them that your DS was only repeating what he had heard and that when people said this they were smiling because it was an in family thing that meant no harm and he was innocently trying to make them smile too.bearing this in mind,perhaps they would like to accept his apology and make one in return.
If they remain rigid in their self pity then it's their loss of a lovely family.

Send the gifts back.
You need to try to make your son feel better. He didn't do anything wrong.

Let him open his gifts and ask him to send a thabkyou card to GPs.

Give the kid his presents FFS. There is no way at all you can withold the presents without making your DS feel that you are punishing him further. It doesn't matter if PIL continue to sulk - it is now down to you to ensure that your DS isn't left feeling that one silly insult is a terrible, unforgivable crime that has made him a complete pariah.

And anyone who can't shrug off a minor insult from a child needs a swift kick up the twinkle and a cup of Growthefuckup anyway.

They're not being petulant children they're perpetuating dysfunctional family dynamics with your son. That's seriously messed up. It is a hard one to manage. Maybe try tk talk to them about the situation and if you're worried about this sort of thing happening again, arrange an alternative method of communication which might be less stressful, like letters or emails as a starting point?

I would perhaps also be having a chat with your DH and BIL if they're repeating unkind names around their kids.

Thanks for comments everyone. I really appreciate it. The mama bear side of me thinks send them back and keep these perry people away from ds so they don't hurt him again. The other side thinks let him have them and wait to see what happens between gps and ds.

Problem is I'm so furious for their behaviour as it's just an excuse to get at my dh I'm sure (long history there) and now my ds has been caught up. Think I'll send mine back and let them know in future they can contact ds directly if they want to speak with him (they can message or call him direct).

Just to be clear - what he said was NOT ok and he got told off by me and had a long lecture about how words affect People. Completely understand MI being upset but would expect her to also forgive a child who wanted to hug her and was saying "so so sorry nanna"