Give presents back or not?

[Jibberoo]

Hi all I have a major dilemma that I need some advice on. I'm just going to give all details so please stick with it. Before Xmas we saw our inlaws for Xmas lunch and to exchange gifts. They drove down to us as they were staying with friends near by for a few days. Anyway they haven't seen DS for ages (1 day all year I think) and haven't spoken to him either. Over dinner at restaurant ds makes a joke at MI expense - it was rude but he had heard his dad and uncle calling her this name in jest and he thought it would be funny too (he's 8). I pulled him up on it and told him off, dinner continued. We all get home for coffee etc and PI state that they are leaving as MI feels insulted by DS (calling her rude name in jest and not hugging her when they came 1st). I tell ds to go apologise to MI, he goes up says sorry and tries to give her a hug to say sorry. She pushes him away and FI and MI state that they don't forgive ds as are leaving. I remind them that the reason he didn't run to them and hug them when he saw them was that they haven't really seen or spoken to him all year. Ds very upset as he honestly thought he was making a joke like other adults were and he didn't want to hurt MI.
Anyway they leave and leave the presents they brought for ds dh and me. I inform ds that he can't open any presents from them as they it's not appropriate.
Ds cries himself to sleep because he thinks he's been so bad that now gps don't love him.
I'm angry at him for being rude but then more for not accepting apology that was really meant. Come Xmas day no text or phone call to ds from gps and he's upset all over again.
Fast forward to today (we were away after that), I don't know what to do with presents left behind. Mine I'm definitely sending back. But do I stick to guns and send ds presents back to gps? More than anything I think that presents that aren't given with love mean nothing and shouldn't be opened. Ds isn't missing out on presents trust me so it's more of a principle. Thing is I don't want to punish ds but I don't want him thinking that it's ok to not speak to family as long as you give presents (ie gps don't speak to him but leave expensive presents).
So AIBU to send gps presents back with note to say that since they can't forgive ds then presents aren't necessary?

Advice much needed

@Jibberoo no flaming and I completely get that sentiment. But that only works if they actually genuinely cared. Instead they'll just use as more proof of how rude and horrible you all are, and how they are the victims all with a smug dose of righteous indignation ofc.

Op a small loving family is better than a large toxic one. Your mil sounds like a nasty old stinky cow tbh.

I’d keep all the presents, open them, enjoy them, give them to charity or whatever you want to do with them. Write a nice thank you note as you would with anyone else. Don’t make the effort to engage with them again beyond that. The chances are they know they’ve behaved badly but don’t know how to come back from it. People can get very stressed out over Christmas for a variety of reasons (I’m thinking of my own, very introvert, mother who is perfectly nice on a day to day basis, but freaks out when she has to do something that takes her out of her routine) and your son shouldn’t be penalised for that. It sounds almost as though they used the situation as an excuse to go home.

As others have said, tell you son that they love him, even if they behaved badly, and that it is their problem, not his. At least if you do it this way, you can face them at the meal next year as the bigger person with your head held high. If nothing else, it will blind side them, and you never know, they might be grateful for the ‘get out’ you’ve given them. Don’t escalate unless you absolutely have to. There is no benefit to do doing that in families unless you absolutely have to. Rise above it.

IMO your MIL has behaved vile and childish and magnified this out of all proportion and sending the presents back would be another childish act that would simply fuel the fire.
Give DS lots of love and his presents and keep yours or give it to charity. If you normally get him to do a thank you note or thank you phone call still do this but don’t have the poor boy apologize once again.
By doing this and letting it go you have still kept your dignity and showed DS how to behave.
PS at about age 7/8 a friend of DH’s son (upset and angry that we or rather my son was leaving and blaming me). Lashed out and called me a fat something or other. I had put weight on due to health issues and was mortified and embarrassed. Especially as it was said loudly in front of both his parents, another couple, an older child, my DH and my two children. Nobody said anything to him and I expect he’d picked it up from his parents. I didn’t say anything about it at the time and none of the adults referred to it again but I felt uncomfortable incase this boy said the same or worse to me again. If his parents had said something (like you did) although I don’t know what in my case it would have been easier to deal with but I expect they didn’t incase he turned round and said well you say that about her.

Rebelrouge (sorry don't know how to do the bold thing) I think you're right. In fact I'm sure they've enjoyed a weeks worth of poor us at their friends house.

You guys are right about small family and all that but it's still hard for ds to understand

Your MIL behaved very badly. But why did you compound that when he was upset?

He's already been "punished" for his comment, which he wouldn't have made if other people had not been disrespectful about her in front of him. He's 8. He should have been allowed to open the presents if it made him feel better. That was reinforcing her cruelty and reminding him he was in the dog house

Send yours back if you must but don't go on and on about it in front of him. The presents are not really an issue. It's your MILs behaviour towards your son and I'm sorry to say this but You are dragging an 8 year old into an argument which is really about your MIL being unkind to him, after he'd been repremanded for a mistake which was really the fault of the other people who'd made the remark in the first place. Let him calm down, he doesn't need to know all of this, just tell him everything is alright and his grandma was being silly because she is old and a bit tired and let him forget it. Sort it out directly with some plain speaking to your MIL, but no need to involve DS anymore in this argument, poor lad.

@Jibberoo I've only got a tiny family too but better a small family that openly likes bed than a large family that secretly seethes.

I think they are the type of people to think gifts are more important that spending time with grandchildren. If you want them to really see how unacceptable you find their behaviour you should send gifts back. Fuck the moral high ground this only works with decent human beings.

Don’t send the gifts back. Send a thank you note from you all hoping they has a nice Christmas. Then leave it, if they can’t make an effort then don’t have them as part of your life. Your son has a loving family you and yours.

Your 8 year old called his gran by a nickname that his uncle uses. What’s everyone’s problem here? She normally finds it funny.
Your ILs are drama llamas and if this is typical behaviour I’d just cut them out.
But please don’t allow them direct communication to your DS...they are toxic and he is only wee. You need to protect him from them.
Tbh the presents are irrelevant. Let your lad have his, throw yours in the charity box.
Oh and sorry OP but if I were you I’d apologise to my DS for telling him off at all. MIL’s behaviour stinks.

Give the boy his gifts, it's not for you to reject them like this. Let him have his send any others back and go low contact m

Just to clarify in case people think we've had the gifts left unopened all Xmas. pI never actually gave the gifts to ds they simply left the bag of gifts in conservatory. We put them in cupboard after situation. We left on holiday day after and only got back last night so ds hasn't been looking st unopened gifts all this time. They've been hidden out of sight. But as I've said I'll go with the cool heads and give them to him tomorrow with a reminder that gps love him

Then I'd just let them fade from your lives. Don't initiate contact and put any 'burden' of travel on them. By the time next Xmas rolls around with its enforced 'happy families' dictum you'll be much clearer in your mind about what you want.

My daughter- when she was seven or eight- changed my husbands name on Siri to “ Daddy stinky pants”. We laughed about this. Isn’t this just normal kid behaviour ESPECIALLY considering that DS has heard his elders calling her this??
I think the big thing here is thar your husband hates his parents and there must be a big background story for him to feel like this. I think Jiberoo that it’s time for you to stop making the effort with them. OverReacting the way they did, pushing an eight year old child away who is trying to apologise, leaving a child - whom they purport to love- upset and confused is beyond the pale.
All of the posters who are saying that you should have phoned them on Xmas day, send a card with apology etc obviously ( and luckily fir them) have had no problems with toxic family (esp.in laws).
I personally would send the presents back with a note saying that they have a relationship with their son and grandson only because you jiberoo facilitate it. After the way they overreacted to something that was just a kids joke (which he had overheard from his father/uncle) and even worse, push your son away has made you realise that, fir the present time, it’s best if you maintain minimal contact. You will send them a school photograph and give them occasional updates by email.Its no loss to your son. Trust me. My DD is an only child and has very little accessible family . We have been NC with in laws and it certainly hasn’t damaged her in any way. No relationship is better than a toxic one with people who can treat a child so dreadfully.
In my opinion if she really loved your boy she would have laughed off the stinky old nana comment and got him back with the next word. It’s not like he meant it to be rude, he’s leaving about social behaviour. But he won’t forget how she made him feel and fir the present time I think he is just too precious to let some nasty, stinky old nana upset and distress him. Feel free to pm me if you want t9 vent or some support as I feel your pain as I have lived it many times .

Big Girl Pants.

Send all the presents back.

Remind DS that this is NOT his fault, I wouldn’t have told him off at all. This is how his fathers side of the family speaks/jokes, all he was trying to do was fit in.

Do not contact them.

Tell DH that next year you are NOT spending Christmas with his parents.

Stop allowing such nasty, stupid people who show NO interest in your DH or DS to upset your family. DH needs to accept they’re not healthy for his family...YOU & DS.

Friends are the family you choose for yourself. Make the effort to build relationships with people that care about you.

I can't see that giving presents back is going to achieve anything at all - in no way is it going to improve relations, but if you want to worsen them it will work.
On the other hand if you send them back and the relationship breaks down totally, your son will think it is his fault for what he said - however much you try to tell him it isn't.

It's very hard to work out the dynamic here.
Do your Dh and the uncle (your Dh's DB?) refer to their mother as stinky old nana when they talk to your son about her 'stinky old nana is coming fro Christmas etc' or has he overheard them talking about stinky old Mum or what ?

Pushing away a child and being unforgiving to him is awful behaviour from her, but to me it suggests she was very hurt. Now most people would not be very hurt at a child calling them stinky old nana, they would laugh it off or say 'me stinky - what about you?' or something.

So why was she so hurt ? - maybe because she suddenly felt she is the but of some kind of secret family joke or that she is always referred to in a nasty way behind her back. Most people wouldn't be hurt by being called stunky old nana in agame, but they might be if they felt their sons were encouraging the grandchild to talk about her in a rude way or referring to her with casual rudeness. Maybe she has always felt herself to be the butt of family jokes.

And stupidly she backed herself into a corner and took out her hurt on the child because he's the easiest to get cross with rather than two grown men. That is very wrong of her of course, and very very sad for your son poor little chap.

I would go with what your son wants, it sounds as if he wants to repair the relationship, don;t get him to apologise, he;s done that already. She's had time to calm down a bit now - your DH should phone her and say he and his brother are to blame for the rudeness, the child had no idea it was not an acceptable joke and is very upset. he would like her to get in touch and chat and for all to be forgiven and forgotten and will she please speak to your son and mend the fences.
Then the ball is in her court - she either moves on or she doesn't.

But the chance to repair things is now - it will only get harder if you leave it. If you are happy for no contact because the whole thing is much deeper than this incident then that's fine, if you want a last go at building an attachment - keep the gifts and thank her for them.

People don't act so OTT because a child makes a silly remark - there has to be a bigger reason, it might be that MIL is an awful person, it might be that something touched a very raw nerve with her - it sounds as if everyone caught up in this is unhappy at the moment, my instinct would be to try to make it better. (With the obvious proviso that if it happened again then it is an unacceptable pattern of behaviour from her.)

Sorry - awfully long post !!

Going against the grain here, but I’d be in favour of reconciliation and forgiveness. There’s enough hurt in the world as it is. Someone needs to make the first move to build bridges again.

Thanks yorkshireyummymummy for offer to vent - think I'll work myself up into a lather though

Best go to bed so I can wake up early and give my little man a big cuddle and remind him how much I love him.

Good night everyone

Why not ask ds if he would rather give them to charity? That presents from nice people are a greater gift to keep? And that unfortunately his gps aren't very nice!!

WTF are you going to tell him his GP’s love him? Clearly they bloody well don’t. He can’t start to accept their shortcomings & MORE importantly his own instincts if they ACT one way yet he’s told they feel another way. Don’t further confuse him. Be honest with him.

Give the ds presents and tell him everything’s fine. Poor child doesn’t need to be involved in a family argument.

I’m not sure what sending back your/dh presents would achieve apart from antagonising things. You could charity shop them if you don’t want them.

I’d leave things with PIL and see if they calm down. If They mention it ever again, you say your ds offered an apology at the time and he was copying dad and uncle anyway.

They sound like complete idiots, who gets angry at a child's joke? Don't bother wasting your time with them, they aren't worth it.

Build bridges?

WTAF

The haven’t had ANY contact with their grandchild in a YEAR and then she makes a massive fuss over a childish comment that he’s simply repeating, that she normally laughs at. She rejected his apology and him, he’s 8 FFS.

Agree please don't tell him GPS love him!!