Give presents back or not?

[Jibberoo]

Hi all I have a major dilemma that I need some advice on. I'm just going to give all details so please stick with it. Before Xmas we saw our inlaws for Xmas lunch and to exchange gifts. They drove down to us as they were staying with friends near by for a few days. Anyway they haven't seen DS for ages (1 day all year I think) and haven't spoken to him either. Over dinner at restaurant ds makes a joke at MI expense - it was rude but he had heard his dad and uncle calling her this name in jest and he thought it would be funny too (he's 8). I pulled him up on it and told him off, dinner continued. We all get home for coffee etc and PI state that they are leaving as MI feels insulted by DS (calling her rude name in jest and not hugging her when they came 1st). I tell ds to go apologise to MI, he goes up says sorry and tries to give her a hug to say sorry. She pushes him away and FI and MI state that they don't forgive ds as are leaving. I remind them that the reason he didn't run to them and hug them when he saw them was that they haven't really seen or spoken to him all year. Ds very upset as he honestly thought he was making a joke like other adults were and he didn't want to hurt MI.
Anyway they leave and leave the presents they brought for ds dh and me. I inform ds that he can't open any presents from them as they it's not appropriate.
Ds cries himself to sleep because he thinks he's been so bad that now gps don't love him.
I'm angry at him for being rude but then more for not accepting apology that was really meant. Come Xmas day no text or phone call to ds from gps and he's upset all over again.
Fast forward to today (we were away after that), I don't know what to do with presents left behind. Mine I'm definitely sending back. But do I stick to guns and send ds presents back to gps? More than anything I think that presents that aren't given with love mean nothing and shouldn't be opened. Ds isn't missing out on presents trust me so it's more of a principle. Thing is I don't want to punish ds but I don't want him thinking that it's ok to not speak to family as long as you give presents (ie gps don't speak to him but leave expensive presents).
So AIBU to send gps presents back with note to say that since they can't forgive ds then presents aren't necessary?

Advice much needed

Welcome Stinky old grandma, alias MIL aka Stillme1

Blimey , all this giving yeh gifts back
I’d keep,them ( if wanted , charity shop them not wanted )
And let the inlaws stew
Better off without them

MIL and FIL have behaved appallingly. Comfort your son and show him lots of love.

Maybe also tell DP not to call MIL, or anyone else, insulting names in front of DS. (Did DP own up that DS was copying him when DS said it in front of MIL? I hope so).

Up to you what you do with the presents.

Personally, I would call the PIL and tell them why I think their behaviour was wrong (out of DS' earshot).

@Jibberoo your update sounds sensible. There's obviously a massive backstory here.

Did the adults in the room explain to MIL why your DS said what he did?

It is simple. Grown ups are responsible for their actions and the consequences. 8 year-olds are not. Adults are expected to set an example to 8 year-olds so that 8 year-olds know how to behave when they grow up.

I would not wish to have these so-called adults showing my child that it is OK to be rude, unforgiving, to sulk and to strop off in a tantrum. In fact any adult that TELLS a child how to behave whilst SHOWING a child the exact opposite can stay the fuck away from my children.

I wouldn’t return the gifts although I would be tempted. However as much as you want this relationship for your ds I think these people sound vile and will not bring him the love you are hoping for. I would write a calm factual letter explaining the situation, that ds was repeating a joke, that their behaviour was unkind and un called for and explain the impact this has had on ds. Explain In light of this you will not be putting ds in a situation where these wounds can be made deeper or this very upsetting traumatic situation for ds can resurface. In a couple of years he won’t remember much about this however if you allow this to become a pattern of behaviour your ds could end up scarred.

Agree I'm not handling this right but it's new ground for me - no one would dare call each other names in my family even for fun and while we get huffy with each other we always forgive.

Just to be clear - uncle calls his mum a number of similar names all the time and she always smiles, laughs etc. That's why ds thought its ok otherwise he would never have thought to say something like that. He's very sensitive boy and when he makes a gaff it's purely social awkwardness.

uncle calls his mum a number of similar names all the time and she always smiles, laughs etc.

Ahhhh, all attempt at understanding gone. Fuck 'em.

it was you MIL's response to your Sons heartfelt apology that defines this incident...

I'd tell her to go fuck herself ... but that's just be protecting my Child

Absolutely stuff them, what vile behaviour by two adults! Refusing the apology and pushing away an 8 year old. Horrid creatures, he's 8 ffs.

Keep the gifts and cut contact, they will only cause more damage than good.

I actually think you should have it out with them. As in ring them to ask about the presents but speak to them. By the way you said you were mad at your son, but madder at them-I think he's nearly blameless in this-he heard the name being said and repeated it. That she pushed him away was shocking-crazy stuff, she seems very immature and they totally overreacted. Your poor kid! Hope it works out for you

I think your decision re what to do is pretty good.

I'd only add that you want to be sure there won't be any type of repeat or other behaviour by your MiL that could be potentially damaging to your DS. Do you think you can guarantee that? If not, I'd seriously consider whether or not I wanted your iLs in your son's life. No grandparents are better than damaging ones. And no one wants their child to have to 'tiptoe' around their grandparents.

It also sounds to me as if your DH would be just as happy to not see them in the future.

Yes dh and uncle both agreed that ds was only copying them (also they thoughts PI were out of order). No one is angry with ds (well apart from PI I guess).

PI are complete aholes in my opinion but reason seems to say not to make this already shit situation worse

Not sure what future will bring re PI and ds but suspect that if I don't arrange meetings then they won't bother so I don't have to actively keep them away.

I just wish I could give ds the loving large family he deserves

Worst still I know we'll have to see them again next year

WHo say's?

Your duty is to your child. Your DH can put himself through this crap if he chooses, but your son only has you to stop him being dragged into this fucked up dynamic. They are clearly now treating your son as they have his father, does your DH really want that for his child?

Tell your DH that he can see them if he wants to but you and DS will not and I certainly wouldnt be allowing them to contact him direct, fuck knows what they would say to him.

I think I'd add in there a message to DS about how just because someone is family doesn't mean we have to accept them treating us badly. He made a mistake and apologised. That's normal. Her behaviour is really not ok. Maybe she'll apologise to him, maybe not, but right now he should focus on the family and friends in his life who make him feel good inside, because that's how people should make other people they love feel. GPS don't know how to do that and it's not his fault.

you don't have to see anyone ever again.. you're a grown women with a mind of your own Lady

What would you expect to gain from sending the presents back? It's not going to improve relations for anyone.

Take the higher ground, send a polite thank you note, donate the gifts and keep your distance.

You ARE punishing your son. Yes he was rude and should have known better but he is 8 and will think that you are stopping him from having his gifts because of HIS behaviour which isn't the case.

It's fairly common for people not to speak all year and then give Christmas/birthday gifts and visits. In the nicest possible way I think you are a bit niave if you think they are acting any differently to many other people and that all presents are given in love.

Anyway, yeah, not sure what you hope to acheive other than vause more grief by sending them back.

Calling her stinky old nana was wrong. I can understand why your inlaws were upset. They were clearly looking forward to seeing your son hence the presents.

I think rather than add more fuel to the fire, you should just call them and apologise for your son.
(So what if he already apologised, do it again for him). Explain that he’d heard the comment from somewhere and that you have had a word with him. Then try to move on.

does your partner and his brother really call there mum nana?

*thier

Yes I'll admit it (and be flamed I'm sure) sending back the gifts - even if only mine - is totally aimed at hurting them and reminding them you can't buy someone's love. And I don't accept that it's ok for gps to not see/speak to gc all year and think a bunch of presents will make up for it. That is definitely one lesson I will not be teaching ds.

Right Better stop or else my calm reasoned decision will evaporate in a cloud of fury at PI attitude to family

As long as you make it clear that the disrespect he has learned came from YOUR DH.

Adults at fault here. I once called my dgd a bugger when I was about 9. He was tickling me (going too far) and it slipped out, I don't think I even knew the word was bad. I apologised when he reacted and my dgd stormed out the house in an absolute rage and drove off (leaving dgm at our house!). I was beside myself but assured by dm that he was majorly overeacting and he was in the wrong. Ridiculous

What's best for the little 8 year old stuck in this situation?

Let him have his presents. They were given to him so I think that makes them his not yours.

Yes to writing a little thank you note or perhaps a phone call to gps but NO apology. He already made one and further prolonging the sorry saga will just damage him.
If phone call goes well then wonderful and leave things as they are. If GPs really wanted a relationship with him they would make the effort. If MI is still huffy then a gentle explanation to DS as others have said about families and grown ups not always behaving in exemplary fashions. And a bloody big hug and cuddle for him.
Bad, toxic, unkind, non loving family much more damaging than no family.
Good luck.