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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Give presents back or not?

209 replies

Jibberoo · 29/12/2017 21:57

Hi all I have a major dilemma that I need some advice on. I'm just going to give all details so please stick with it. Before Xmas we saw our inlaws for Xmas lunch and to exchange gifts. They drove down to us as they were staying with friends near by for a few days. Anyway they haven't seen DS for ages (1 day all year I think) and haven't spoken to him either. Over dinner at restaurant ds makes a joke at MI expense - it was rude but he had heard his dad and uncle calling her this name in jest and he thought it would be funny too (he's 8). I pulled him up on it and told him off, dinner continued. We all get home for coffee etc and PI state that they are leaving as MI feels insulted by DS (calling her rude name in jest and not hugging her when they came 1st). I tell ds to go apologise to MI, he goes up says sorry and tries to give her a hug to say sorry. She pushes him away and FI and MI state that they don't forgive ds as are leaving. I remind them that the reason he didn't run to them and hug them when he saw them was that they haven't really seen or spoken to him all year. Ds very upset as he honestly thought he was making a joke like other adults were and he didn't want to hurt MI.
Anyway they leave and leave the presents they brought for ds dh and me. I inform ds that he can't open any presents from them as they it's not appropriate.
Ds cries himself to sleep because he thinks he's been so bad that now gps don't love him.
I'm angry at him for being rude but then more for not accepting apology that was really meant. Come Xmas day no text or phone call to ds from gps and he's upset all over again.
Fast forward to today (we were away after that), I don't know what to do with presents left behind. Mine I'm definitely sending back. But do I stick to guns and send ds presents back to gps? More than anything I think that presents that aren't given with love mean nothing and shouldn't be opened. Ds isn't missing out on presents trust me so it's more of a principle. Thing is I don't want to punish ds but I don't want him thinking that it's ok to not speak to family as long as you give presents (ie gps don't speak to him but leave expensive presents).
So AIBU to send gps presents back with note to say that since they can't forgive ds then presents aren't necessary?

Advice much needed

OP posts:
ferriswheel · 29/12/2017 22:12

My stbxh behaved like this.

You are an adult and it is your job to make sure that people don't use their emotions to project crap onto your children.

I'm sure you were drawn into it but it's time to draw a line under it.

Sit him down, give him a massive cuddle, explain that you didn't cope so well with everyone being upset. Of course he can have his present.

You then sort it out with the relatives.

He is a kid.

Forgive yourself too. It's easy to have your judgement clouded over with angry and mean relatives.

Original poster
Jibberoo · 29/12/2017 22:14

Thanks for your thoughts. Ds was repeatedly told that night that while he shouldn't be rude he wasn't responsible for their behaviour. I also told him that they love him very much and the behaviour is more to do with adult nonsense than him. As an aside dh doesn't get along with PI as they have always let him down in his life - it was me that was keeping them involved in our lives for ds sake. Now I wish I hadn't as ds wouldn't be hurt.
Ds got enough presents over Xmas not to feel like he missed out. He also spent time with my dps who showered him with attention.
My big problem is that unless I do something he won't see them again (they won't bother). While I know he's better off without them I also know how desperate he is for family (all our family live far away and he is only child - he often talks about being sad that he doesn't have more family around). Arrgg what do I do!!

OP posts:
TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 29/12/2017 22:14

Oooooh I don’t know how measured I’d be in those circumstances... TBH MIL sounds like a petulant child / enormous bitch / both to. I’d them back, would not be angry with your ds for repeating a joke he’d heard from his dad and gd, but be seriously miffed at idiot mil.

Chocolate254 · 29/12/2017 22:14

Handsfull really? You would make him apologise AGAIN after the nasty witch pushed him an 8year old child away after the last time he tried to hug her and say sorry Confused

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 29/12/2017 22:15

What on earth did he say?

If it was that bad, it's not great parenting your DS picked it up from the people around him

We don't know if he called her "silly old Granny" or something a whole lot worse

Sending the presents,back would be veey dramatic and crappy, but it sounds like you like escalating things?

BewareOfDragons · 29/12/2017 22:16

Your PILs sound just awful, truly awful.

Where is their son, your child's father, in all this? Surely he should have pulled them up on their poor behaviour - not forgiving a very contrite 8 year old and being ridiculous over an 8 year old who didn't hug them when he saw them?

And it sounds like the 8 year old learned the behaviour from his own father and uncle, btw ... yet he gets punished for it? Wow.

I'd send the presents back with a note telling them that they are cruel and ridiculous and you don't want their 'gifts'.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 29/12/2017 22:16

Really, how bad was this "joke"

Allthewaves · 29/12/2017 22:16

I'd leave it. Don't send presents back, it's playing to their childish pettiness.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 29/12/2017 22:17

Oh x post. Honestly? I wouldn’t want them in my life either by the sounds of things, so maybe your dh has the right idea. It’s obviously up to you if you want to keep facilitating this relationship between them and your ds, but you need to think about whether they will do more harm or good by being in touch with your ds.

Brandbrandbrandy · 29/12/2017 22:17

Why did you wait for them to call you on Christmas Day?

Under the circumstances, a phone call from you might have smoothed things over.

Chocolate254 · 29/12/2017 22:18

Jiberoo, If you know they wont bother theres no point in encouraging a relationship, Some people (weird people) dont appreciate having grandchildren and are not worth it.
Just teach him that its not about the quantity of family but the quality.

PegLegAntoine · 29/12/2017 22:18

Why aren't the adults being punished for calling her the name. They are the ones old enough to know better. Of course DS thought it was OK when he heard the grown ups doing it :(

I think it should be his choice what to do with them, and definitely don't make/let him apologize again

PidgeonSpray · 29/12/2017 22:18

What did he say exactly to offend her? And should he have known better?

Don't send them back it will cause more of a rift

RideOn · 29/12/2017 22:19

I think you should let him open his present and send a thank you but NOT apologise again.

SunshineTheMonkey · 29/12/2017 22:19

What on earth did he say?!

Viviennemary · 29/12/2017 22:19

You should let your DS open the presents. And I blame your DH and his uncle entirely for your DS calling his grandmother a rude name if he heard it first from the adults. I'm not surprised the gps walked out as they were treated with so little respect. The hugging thing not so much if they don't see him a lot. But name calling. Absolutely not. Do as you like with your own presents. Either keep or send back. Your family is the one who should be apologising not the gps.

RebelRogue · 29/12/2017 22:19

Where is your husband in all this? Did he defend your son? Did he explain to his mum where the word came from?
If not, he is a twat and most of this is his fault.

Your MIL was vindictive and childish, but depending on what ws said and the context she might've been really hurt.

Let your kid have the presents and let him write a nice thank you card. It might be just what's needed to mend bridges and make him feel better too.

The only one that got punished so far was your son.

Tistheseason17 · 29/12/2017 22:19

Open the presents and send a thank you card.
Then forget about it and move on

RideOn · 29/12/2017 22:19

What was the “joke”?

BarbarianMum · 29/12/2017 22:20

Maybe the adults were clever enough not to say it to her face PegLeg ?

Original poster
Jibberoo · 29/12/2017 22:20

What did he say? We were playing a game of hangman at the table and he wrote our stinky old nanna as his words. Stinky is a common joke in the family (dh calls my dn 'stinks' all the time). The old isn't acceptable by uncle always calls his mum old so that's where ds heard it from.

Dh hates his parents but even he's shocked. He doesn't know what to do.

OP posts:
CisCucumber · 29/12/2017 22:21

Please do not have home write to apologise or to make any further apology
I hate adults expecting children to pander to their moods and tantrums
Send the presents back and ignore. They are pathetic

ReadyForGoodNews · 29/12/2017 22:22

Your DP should have a chat with your son to tell him that it was inappropriate and wrong of him to call his mum whatever he called her in the first place, that he's sorry and that he hopes that DS doesn't repeat it.
Then you have a chat with DS telling him that love and understanding are important in a family. That you understand GPs behaviour was hurtful towards him. Would he like to ring them and talk about it?
Or something to that effect.
IMO all the grownups around your DS fucked up and he's paying the price.

meandmytinfoilhat · 29/12/2017 22:22

Send them back.

They don't have a relationship with your son so I wouldn't entertain them to be honest.

Mumof56 · 29/12/2017 22:22

Ds got enough presents over Xmas not to feel like he missed out

That's your thoughts on it but a child who has seen the wrapped presents for him and is then told he can't have them might see things differently.

I inform ds that he can't open any presents from them

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