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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You should not invite a vegetarian for Christmas if you have no intention of catering for them?

586 replies

Trueheart1 · 29/12/2017 11:24

You should not invite a vegetarian for Christmas dinner if you have no intention of catering for them?

I am a vegetarian. I went to my MIL's for Christmas dinner and all I could eat was Brussels sprouts, peas, carrots and potatoes. Without gravy!

The stuffing, gravy etc.. all had animal products.

There were 14 of us in total and 3 of us were very disappointed vegetarians.

I usually host and make sure everyone is catered for. I felt quite irritated, as I had offered to bring any part of the meal and if she had told me she was not catering for the vegetarians, I would have done it.

My MIL is very traditional and supports fox hunting. I suspect that she does not agree with being vegetarian and this was her passive aggressive way of showing that.

In every other way she is lovely and a great MIL. She wants us to come again next year. How do I politely make sure this does not happen again?

OP posts:
FruitCider · 29/12/2017 11:59

Ugh as a vegetarian I can’t stand this.

I went to FILs for Boxing Day buffet and he asked us to chip in some money, which we agreed to.

I got there, and the table was full of meat. I had salad, a bread roll and some Red Leicester, for which I had paid £15! I pointed out I could barely eat, to which FIL replied “oh I got you some nice smoked salmon”.

IM VEGETARIAN! ARGH!

Ontheboardwalk · 29/12/2017 12:01

I did dinner for 5 with 1 vegetarian. I would have struggled with space in my oven to cook a separate vegi dish but would have managed somehow. I was told my guest however not to do them a separate dish.

I ensured that everything, apart from the pigs in blankets and turkey obviously, was vegi. I got naice stuffing to make it seem more like a nut roast.

No gravy or stuffing is grim and very rude, especially as you offered to bring something yourself.

Order a pizza for you to eat at the table if you can be bothered to go next year.

dangermouseisace · 29/12/2017 12:03

I can't believe people think just veg and potatoes is ok on Christmas Day. Vegetarians look forward to a nice Christmas dinner too. It would have been no bother to buy one of the many ready prepared options available in supermarkets these days and bung it in the oven whilst the turkey was resting. It take you up on your offer to bring food.

MIL is rude. Have her next year to a veggie Christmas.

AntiHop · 29/12/2017 12:05

It's really not difficult to make some vegetarian options. She could have just cooked some quorn sausages which are available everywhere.

Shows complete lack of imagination and/or rudeness.

mydogisthebest · 29/12/2017 12:05

wrenika, I take it you wouldn't bother to at least buy something a vegetarian could eat if not actually making something? I think that is very rude

Me and DH are vegetarian. We had 16 people for Christmas dinner, most of them meat eaters. We cooked turkey and beef for them although we both dislike cooking meat.

We made vegetarian options for ourselves and the vegetarians. Everyone had sprouts, cauliflower, parsnips, carrots, peas, roast potatoes, yorkshire puddings, 2 different kinds of stuffing, bread sauce and gravy.

Christmas dinner is not difficult to cook nor is it difficult to make it vegetarian (barring the meat obviously)

OP did you MIL not make yorkshire puddings?

MorrisZapp · 29/12/2017 12:06

These threads always run as if MNers marry their mothers in law and no pesky men are involved.

If your husband wants you to attend his family's Christmas and get no main course then you take your issue to him surely?

If this mil absolutely won't allow you to bring your own main course next year then don't go. And don't do any of the communicating, this is for your dh to sort out.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 29/12/2017 12:06

If she was genuinely lovely for the rest of the time - do you think it's just she can't get her head about vegetarianism? I have some older relatives who struggle but even my old nan could rustle up something nice for my vegetarian uncle.

I'd go with eskers line. Agree only if you can bring some food. If she refuses or makes a fuss then back out. I wouldn't spend Christmas somewhere I was made to feel an inconvenience

DragonNoodleCake · 29/12/2017 12:07

I agree just tell her the truth.

It's not hard to cater for who you have ffs
DD doesn't eat red meat or pork so as well as the turkey, I made meat and meat free stuffing. I even tried cluckers in duvets (chicken sausage in turkey rashers - that was the name she came up with Grin) to go with the pigs in blankets.

Margaritaanyone89 · 29/12/2017 12:08

Your MIL sounds like a horrible woman.

Next time, bring your own vegetarian stuff regardless. Don't let her get to you. I've been a vegetarian for 14 years and everyone is always more then accommodating but sometimes I do meet the handful of people who seem to thrive of animal suffering and they are normally the pro-hunting scum of the earth humans.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 29/12/2017 12:08

You just bring your own from now on, easy

Roast potatoes and a selection of veg would be fine for me for a meal, tbh

Christmas dinner cooking is a hell of a job, and often just hard to fit in an extra dish in the oven.

Were you able to eat the dessert?

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2017 12:08

You sat there with a plate of dry sprouts, peas, carrots and potatoes and she's got the brass neck to expect you to come again next year?

Hahahahahahahaha!

Tell her no thanks but for goodness sake tell her why, as she's clearly too dim to work it out.

ReanimatedSGB · 29/12/2017 12:09

There are quite a lot of people (especially over-60s and those who grew up in different parts of Europe) who regard vegetarianism as attention-seeking wierdness and have a 'just leave the bits you don't like' attitude towards catering. And it can be quite awkward to find room in the oven for someone's additional fussy-eater dish when you are cooking a meal for a dozen or so in a small kitchen.
If she's otherwise nice, take a snack pack for yourself that won't need any cooking in future.

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/12/2017 12:10

Oh god that's really terrible. How hard is it to pick a phone up and text ffs

Plenty of ready prepared vegetarian options that can he shoved in while the turkey is resting.

How hard is boiling a kettle for some vege bisto my dds could do that.

Your husband is a dick he should have said something. People always excuse such poor behaviour as a generational thing or it being to difficult to understand fully etc

Labels make it easy they always sat if it's suitable.

And if you can do a roast turkey and read the instructions on the pigs in blankets you can read how to cook the nut roast. It's on the box.

These people just don't care and they don't want to do it. Selfish.

Cantuccit · 29/12/2017 12:11

I think she views vegetarians as being ridiculous.

So she's not lovely at all.

My aunt is a cow but even she wouldn't dream of not catering to vegetarians if she invites them.

DH needs to have a word with his dad.

AdalindSchade · 29/12/2017 12:12

Your husband isn't polite, he's a pathetic twat. Did he at least have a quiet word with his father about it? Are all the men in that family feeble?

Wrenika you're not obliged to make a vegetarian option at Christmas but that means you can't invite any vegetarians. Maybe that doesn't matter to you right now but that may change over time.

Fitbitironic · 29/12/2017 12:12

So, she's a really lovely person, first time catering xmas dinner, and she cooked everything from scratch.

Is it possible she didn't think of checking the gravy for meat products, or thought she'd have more time to make a separate veggie main but didn't? Or actually thought you wouldn't mind not having nut roast or whatever, or maybe didn't even think of it?
It doesn't sound as if you asked about the meal and bringing food past the polite 'should I bring anything?'/'No, don't worry' q and response. If she doesn't usually cook this kind of thing it would have been a good idea to be a bit more specific.

From the rest of your description I find it difficult to believe she would deliberately want to 'ruin' your xmas dinner!

HostaFireAndIce · 29/12/2017 12:12

I think there are lots of people in that age group (not exclusively in that age group) who have little understanding of vegetarianism and probably genuinely don't realise that you wouldn't eat meant gravy/stuffing etc. My own MIL was telling me over Christmas that a relative of hers is vegetarian. Really? I said, having not known this. Well, said my MIL, she does eat chicken, but she doesn't really like red meat so she's sort of semi-vegetarian Confused. There's no excuse for not providing some sort of main though, particularly if you offered to bring it!

Cantuccit · 29/12/2017 12:12

And if it was FIL who invited you, he should have ensured there was vegetarian food for you.

Ta1kinPeace · 29/12/2017 12:14

Why not offer to provide some of the dishes next year
make up a story about them being "traditional where you had a fab Christmas in XXX year"
and then you can do a selection of yummy "side dishes" that do not impinge on her meal, just add to it.

She will not change if you challenge her head on.
If you chat to gang up with the other veggies then you can all have a good Christmas
and she might add some dishes to her repertoire.

theymademejoin · 29/12/2017 12:15

I was going to say you were unreasonable until I saw you had offered to bring something. I'm veggie and always offer to bring a veggie option. Some people take me up on it, others don't. But anyone who doesn't take me up on it always provides a veggie option.

Although I do wish my mil would take me up on the offer to bring something as she does a really awful bake thing that I have to force down. However, I do appreciate her effort and would never say I don't like it.

chaplin1409 · 29/12/2017 12:16

We had this too. My daughter is a vegetarian and has been for 5 years. She could not even have the potatoes as they were blasted in the turkey fat.

Original poster
Trueheart1 · 29/12/2017 12:16

Fruitcider this has happened to me so many times at buffets. Even when there veggie suitable food, the meat eaters have it all.

I went to a work BBQ that we all paid £10 for the food. The person organising it had bought halloumi for the vegetarians but the meat eaters had eaten it all before anyone vegetarian could have any. We ended up with a bread roll and salad for £10.

10thingsihate I could not eat the Christmas pudding as it had beef suet. I ate a couple of satsumas instead.

OP posts:
squiddled · 29/12/2017 12:17

Yet another man who won't stand up to his mother. Ffs

HotelEuphoria · 29/12/2017 12:17

If you otherwise enjoyed Christmas and are happy to go then simply precook your own vegetarian gravy and meat free dish and take it with you. When she asks what it is and why you have brought it a simple "well I was bloody starving last year with my plate of boiled veg" and give her a hug.

She may get the hint.

TBF, I would probably have taken my own stuff anyway, catering for 14 is stressful at the best of times and if you knew she wasn't vegetarian friendly, then I would perhaps have expected to be disappointed.

MyFriendMini · 29/12/2017 12:19

I am vegetarian

I find that sometimes my dm generation just don't know what to give vegetarians (and just presenting with a lot more vegetables has often been what I have had at a meal). Kindness and seeing it from their perspective is important