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Original poster

You should not invite a vegetarian for Christmas if you have no intention of catering for them?

586 replies

Trueheart1 · 29/12/2017 11:24

You should not invite a vegetarian for Christmas dinner if you have no intention of catering for them?

I am a vegetarian. I went to my MIL's for Christmas dinner and all I could eat was Brussels sprouts, peas, carrots and potatoes. Without gravy!

The stuffing, gravy etc.. all had animal products.

There were 14 of us in total and 3 of us were very disappointed vegetarians.

I usually host and make sure everyone is catered for. I felt quite irritated, as I had offered to bring any part of the meal and if she had told me she was not catering for the vegetarians, I would have done it.

My MIL is very traditional and supports fox hunting. I suspect that she does not agree with being vegetarian and this was her passive aggressive way of showing that.

In every other way she is lovely and a great MIL. She wants us to come again next year. How do I politely make sure this does not happen again?

OP posts:
Bellamuerte · 02/01/2018 01:49

I have food allergies and quite often people don't cater for me as an invited guest. I just suck it up - I'm the one with difficult requirements and I realise I can't expect others to understand or know what I can eat, or to go to the extra expense of providing separate food for me. I always query the meal in advance and if possible I offer to take my own food items to replace what I can't eat.

Whinesalot · 02/01/2018 01:51

Grin Give me the pound shop stuff any day as long as it's branded.

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/01/2018 01:55

Being vegetarian isn't a difficult concept to understand. In this case the offer of the OP bringing an alternative was actively refused which is odd.

As a host I always try to accommodate all my guests as best I can, and any extra expense would be part of the overall cost of entertaining and worth it to enable me to spend time with friends/family.

M4MMY · 02/01/2018 02:15

I've just read Bellamuerte's post with a sense of relief!

My children haven't (like the OP) CHOSEN to follow a special diet. Rather, they suffer from a medical condition which means that they GENUINELY couldn't eat anything but the potatoes and veg from the OP's list. If they did, it would have devastating, life altering consequences. I think it's lovely when people go out of their way to cater specially for them and I ensure that they are well mannered enough to express their gratitude when it happens. But they certainly don't feel ENTITLED to special treatment and I'd feel rather ashamed of them if I thought they did.

It is our responsibility (and as adults, will be theirs) to ensure that they are catered for. And like I say, their special requirements are a necessity and not a choice.

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/01/2018 02:22

This makes no sense at all. If you're invited to friends or family, but they only offer you part of a meal that's fine and totally acceptable? To expect to be considered as other guests are considered is entitled, "special treatment" and shameful? What?

M4MMY · 02/01/2018 03:03

But there was food!!! OP chose not to eat some and didn't like the rest. How is that MIL's fault? Surely it's just one of those things? If you follow a special diet surely this is just part and parcel of it? I never leave home without a stash of snacks in my handbag in case we're caught off guard. It's not difficult.

M4MMY · 02/01/2018 03:05

I suppose to me, it's less about the food and more about the coming together with loved ones. Once you're not left feeling hungry, I really don't see the problem.

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/01/2018 03:08

If you invite guests to a meal why on earth wouldn't you attempt to cater for them? What do people think being a host is about if not to try and ensure that people have a nice time and feel welcomed? How bizarre to expect guests to bring their own snacks instead.

Mxyzptlk · 02/01/2018 03:19

The OP offered to bring food! MiL told her not to. Of course MiL was unreasonable.

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/01/2018 03:26

That's not what I was referring to. Your suggestion that anyone who eats a "special" diet should always expect to bring snacks is what I was referring to.

Very clear that many people think vegetarians are simply fussy and entitled and should not be treated as other guests are treated.

RadioGaGoo · 02/01/2018 05:18

Bella and M4MMY. The OP did EXACTLY what you both said you would do. She queried the meal in advance and took responsibility to be catered for by asking if she could bring something. She was told not too!

Hardly entitled or special treatment.

You've compared the OP's 'choice' to your childrens necessity a few times M4MMY, although I don't understand why. Plenty of people choose what they want to eat. Do you righteous indignation with everyone who does because your children can't?

rwalker · 02/01/2018 05:49

beyond rude i would of starved myself and sat at the table with an empty plate to make her look the twat she is.I;m not veggie but have the greatest respect for people who believe in anything and stick to it

NoNamesLeft86 · 02/01/2018 06:23

Tbh if she is a lovely person I would assume she just didn't think. Some people just dont twig about using animal fats to cook with or juices in gravy etc. So she may have assumed you can have everything other than the actual meat.

I used to be veggie but took it as my responsibility when eating at other people's houses to check everything in advance. I know you offered to bring something but you need to br specific if somebody isnt used to catering for veggies. I would have specifically mentioned a veg main, some veg gravy and mentioned about cooking without animal fats. Id offer to bring those things so it didnt seem rude but at least she then knows that is what is required.

Silverthorn · 02/01/2018 08:03

Yanbu. Sure if you had just turned up without an invite and no prior warning then expect to eat what is available. But, when specifically invited it's incredibly rude to not cater for you and to actually refuse your offer to bring a dish beggars belief. She really wanted to make a point didn't she.
However, I think I might have spoken up at the time of the meal.

Fitbitironic · 02/01/2018 08:12

beyond rude i would of starved myself and sat at the table with an empty plate to make her look the twat she is.I;m not veggie but have the greatest respect for people who believe in anything and stick to it
Cause you wouldn't have looked like a twat ignoring all the veggies on the table then? Grin

IsaSchmisa · 02/01/2018 09:25

Yy radio. Offering to cater for your own dietary choices to avoid inconveniencing the host is the absolute opposite of entitled!

PositivelyPERF · 02/01/2018 09:40

I'm just wondering if those posters who are snipping about vegetarians/vegan having a choice, because someone in their family has allergies, eat absolutely everything? There are obviously NO food they won't eat and no animal they won't eat. You like everything that's on offer don't you?

Do you serve pork to a Jewish person or meat to someone who doesn't eat it for religious reasons? Or does the fact that they follow certain diets for religious beliefs make their choice acceptable?

Cantuccit · 02/01/2018 10:54

Bella and M4MMY. The OP did EXACTLY what you both said you would do. She queried the meal in advance and took responsibility to be catered for by asking if she could bring something. She was told not too!

This. Where's the head-banging-against-wall emoji?

M4MMY · 02/01/2018 14:12

What I can't get my head around is that there WAS food that the OP could eat. The variety was limited due to her life choices. She has a right to make these choices, of course. But in doing so, I believe she has a responsibility to accept that, as a result, her diet may not always be as varied as she might like.

I mentioned my children, because while they haven't made a choice, I believe they too have a responsibility to learn to accept that sometimes they will miss out. That's just life.

As I said, my advice would be to be pleased when it works out well, make sure you have biscuits in your handbag in case it doesn't and don't risk falling out over something as ridiculous as food! There's more to life.

Cantuccit · 02/01/2018 14:22

M4MMY. So you've now gone from saying it's your responsibility to 'cater' for yourself to just keep 'biscuits in your handbag'?

Right Hmm major backtracking on your part.

AndhowcouldIeverrefuse · 02/01/2018 14:35

It's just rude, isn't it? Awful manners to make 3 guests feel so unwelcome.

My MIL of almost 20 years keeps providing nutty food - I have a nut allergy which she is fully aware of. It's an awful feeling to be sat at the the table with everyone else - the offending food makes an appearance and you have to say no thank you, and then comes all the "oh for course you're allergic to x". All the attention is focused on you as if you were just being awkward and fussy. Then comes the faux apology etc. And all you want is to have a good time with everyone else.

IsaSchmisa · 02/01/2018 14:49

The variety was also limited due to the host ludicrously telling her not to bother bringing a veggie option. There would've been no issue at all had she been told yes, by all means bring something.

greenlynx · 02/01/2018 15:59

Some very weird views on hosting here. I always ask if there’s anything people don’t eat/don’t like. It’s not usually that hard to come up with something everyone will enjoy eating.
^^this.
The host's attitude towards OP and other vegetarians looked strange and not welcoming. Lots of people are saying that you can provide vegetarian gravy and pudding for everyone to make things simple and accessible, add bowl of houmous and some cheese ...
the point is why invite people to your house if their choices irritate you? Don't do parties if it's such a bother. Why pretend?
Oh, yes, OP survived and didn't get starvation and even said that she had nice time but it was not the question

M4MMY · 02/01/2018 16:09

Post 1: Said that in my opinion, if you've got a special diet, for whatever reason, it's your own responsibility to ensure that you're catered for (as others are not duty bound to learn and get to grips with your diet and in MIL's case, there was food - it just wasn't good enough for the OP.)

Second/third posts, one posted straight after the other: Said I never leave home without a stash of snacks in my handbag in case we get caught short and the choice offered is too limited for us. (As this often happens when you're on a special diet - the world can't be expected to change completely to suit your particular needs.) I.e. take responsibility and make sure you're catered for.

Post 3: Keep a stash of biscuits in your bag so that if others on a "normal" diet get it wrong (likely if they're not used to managing a special diet on a day to day basis), then you are catered for/fed and can get on with spending time with loved ones without hard feelings.

No backtracking, no changing of my tune, much repeating of an opinion which is unlikely to change so perhaps we should call it a day? Each to their own but you now know my take on it. Flowers

Mumof56 · 02/01/2018 16:19

keeps providing nutty food

But, but we've have 10 pages telling us to cook nut roast