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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You should not invite a vegetarian for Christmas if you have no intention of catering for them?

586 replies

Trueheart1 · 29/12/2017 11:24

You should not invite a vegetarian for Christmas dinner if you have no intention of catering for them?

I am a vegetarian. I went to my MIL's for Christmas dinner and all I could eat was Brussels sprouts, peas, carrots and potatoes. Without gravy!

The stuffing, gravy etc.. all had animal products.

There were 14 of us in total and 3 of us were very disappointed vegetarians.

I usually host and make sure everyone is catered for. I felt quite irritated, as I had offered to bring any part of the meal and if she had told me she was not catering for the vegetarians, I would have done it.

My MIL is very traditional and supports fox hunting. I suspect that she does not agree with being vegetarian and this was her passive aggressive way of showing that.

In every other way she is lovely and a great MIL. She wants us to come again next year. How do I politely make sure this does not happen again?

OP posts:
ppeatfruit · 31/12/2017 13:37

Exactly cooldad !!! Who gives a shit about whether something is from the 80s or 'old fashioned' ?Good food is good food imo.

If Heston B's weird stuff and serving sloppy food on slates and chopping boards is up to date give me old fashioned food that LOOKS like what it is, on a plate !

LoniceraJaponica · 31/12/2017 13:43

Undercoverbanana care to share the recipe?

Blink66 · 31/12/2017 13:44

Earlier this week we have a thread on a vegetarian refusing to cook meat, and so would not provide their guests a meal that they would choose to eat. Note, although I understand some people may have medical grounds for not eating meat – most do not – it’s just a choice.

So there isn’t a consensus on this – it does feel that vegetarians want to impose their choice on others in both situations. I generally would try to accommodate a meal that everyone would like – but Christmas Dinner is the hardest without creating extra work – as the pieces are known and will have been had before. As no more animals would be affected whether you eat it or not, why not just go with the flow for once?

Christmas Dinner is well known what it is, and we would expect the best quality of everything for this very indulgent lunch. I have things I don’t like – can’t stand sage, so I don’t eat the stuffing. My uncle doesn’t like Brussels so doesn’t eat them. I struggle to see it any differently, don’t like meat – just don’t eat it; and that’s all that seems to have happened here. I would not expect the stuffing to be replaced or another stuffing to be produced.

In fairness, it is strange that your offer of a dish was turned down – but all you had to do was bring it anyway; but be gracious and bring enough for everyone. Being a non-vegetarian just means you choose to eat more things, not that you restrict yourself to only meat.

To those who ask is a plate of vegetables a full meal – however it’s dressed up that all a vegetarian meal is at the end of the day.

I would have probably done a separate turkey alternative if I had three vegetarians coming. I’d also have compromised (they are not as good) in using veg oil for potatoes – and separate gravy; but probably wouldn’t have made separate sprouts without bacon (as plenty of other veg). However, it’s not unreasonable, especially for Christmas dinner (a set piece) for you to just take the pieces you choose to eat.

YABVU – Next time, just bring a dish that you like and everyone can “choose” to partake in. You could also just accept you should put choices behind you when at someone else house to be polite. Even if you don't eat the meat, it's petty to go on about suet and gravy. You never know, you might gain a few converts :-).

bastardkitty · 31/12/2017 13:58

YABVU – Next time, just bring a dish that you like and everyone can “choose” to partake in. You could also just accept you should put choices behind you when at someone else house to be polite. Even if you don't eat the meat, it's petty to go on about suet and gravy. You never know, you might gain a few converts :-).

^ goady bollox obv

MikeUniformMike · 31/12/2017 15:12

I haven't eaten meat for over 30 years. You really think I'm going to try it now, Blink?
And you would not even be arsed enough to separate a few sprouts for the vegetarians before adding the bacon.

SuburbanRhonda · 31/12/2017 15:51

YABVU – Next time, just bring a dish that you like and everyone can “choose” to partake in.

RTFT. The OP offered to bring something but the MIL said there was no need.

And I’ll ask for the third time - if a plate of plain veg constitutes a Christmas dinner, how come this was only served to the vegetarians, and not to everyone? So far no-one has been able to answer that.

mydogisthebest · 31/12/2017 16:37

Add Blink to the rude and strange posters

Cantuccit · 31/12/2017 16:44

@SusieOwl4

She did cater for them. Just not correctly

The OP keeps saying she is a nice person . But posters seem to want to ignore that bit.

OP also said she suspects this was MIL's passive aggressive way of showing she is against vegetarianism. It's not nice to do that to guests.

And lots of people on MN talking about their 'amazing' and 'lovely' husbands who are actually quite abusive.

Blink66 · 31/12/2017 16:46

I have RTFT, so to answer your question.

Yes - people all chose from what was on offer what they ate. How would adding veg/nuts in a different form really change it?

The reason more was offered (to everyone) is that people choose to eat different parts of it. If you choose to not eat meat, then you choose yourself that veg is adequate.

If you read my entire comment - I indicated that she should have brought it anyway - as unless she confirmed something different was going to be cooked, I would just expect it to be standard Xmas lunch. There was no need.

MikeUniformMike

I probably would in hindsight, as they would have been boiled first - but if then someone said they didn't want chestnuts I wouldn't do three sets!

No - I don't expect you to change - I just think if you brought a great part to the meal (even if refused) others would also rave about it - but also, it wouldn't hurt you to have some meat based gravy to be polite if nothing else was available. I often eat things I wouldn't generally choose to do so, just to be polite. Went on a work trip to China and I ate some things I couldn't believe in order not to offend.

MikeUniformMike · 31/12/2017 16:56

There is absolutely no way I would eat meat based gravy. I do not wish to eat anything that has animals in. I have no bloody idea if it would hurt, but I would be offended on behalf of my fellow guests.

You are just a WUM and I couldn't give a shit what you ate in China.

PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2017 17:00

No - I don't expect you to change - I just think if you brought a great part to the meal (even if refused) others would also rave about it - but also, it wouldn't hurt you to have some meat based gravy to be polite if nothing else was available

We, how is expecting a vegetarian to eat meat based gravy out of politeness not expecting them to change?

PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2017 17:01

I don’t know where “we” came from in my post.

IsaSchmisa · 31/12/2017 17:06

This thread has got strange...

My take: hosting vegetarians at Christmas IS unusually difficult, because of the meaty nature of most of the dishes (even some of the desserts!) and oven space being at a premium. This isn't a throw together some pasta alla norma and everyone's happy situation. But that's a red herring here. Because OP offered to bring her own dish. Meaning neither of those things matter.

It's perfectly plausible not to have had room for a nut roast and some roasties not done in chicken fat or whatever. But if that's the case, telling the person they don't need to bring their own dish is the actions of someone who's either being a dick or has some extremely odd ideas.

So YANBU OP.

Mumof56 · 31/12/2017 17:07

I would be offended on behalf of my fellow guests

Confused
IsaSchmisa · 31/12/2017 17:11

This thread has got strange...

My take: hosting vegetarians at Christmas IS unusually difficult, because of the meaty nature of most of the dishes (even some of the desserts!) and oven space being at a premium. This isn't a throw together some pasta alla norma and everyone's happy situation. But that's a red herring here. Because OP offered to bring her own dish. Meaning neither of those things matter.

It's perfectly plausible not to have had room for a nut roast and some roasties not done in chicken fat or whatever. But if that's the case, telling the person they don't need to bring their own dish is the actions of someone who's either being a dick or has some extremely odd ideas.

So YANBU OP.

Pearlsaringer · 31/12/2017 17:41

All this hate against vegetarians, not to mention astonishing ignorance and generalisations.

I don’t eat meat because the idea makes me feel sick. When I see a piece of meat on a plate it just looks like an open wound to me. I couldn’t eat it as a child, I’m not going to start now just because someone feels the need to make a petty and unnecessary point. Nor would I expect any guest to eat anything I had prepared if it was repellant to them. I wouldn’t be offended, I would just hope to find them an alternative that they would enjoy. I find it odd, and sad, that people have this mentality.

Blink66 · 31/12/2017 17:42

MikeUniformMike

How many dishes extra do you think its reasonable for the host to provide?

You want a separate main, separate stuffing, separate gravy, separate roast potatoes, separate sprouts, separate pudding, separate pies… the list goes on. The majority of people would find the veg options of these to be lesser in quality (otherwise they’d be the norm), so that shouldn’t be an option - but you feel it’s okay to burden everyone with a completely separate dinner.

Be gracious - you shouldn’t be burdening the host with your choices; it’s right that she refused your help, but bring your own dinner even if she did refuse, as you are being completely unreasonable. If a meat eater said she didn’t like Turkey, would you advocate the host also did a beef joint? Maybe someone else doesn’t like beef, Lamb as well?

Your just being awkward FFS! Accept the consequences of your choices rather than adding to other people’s work. Even though it is rude, it's the lesser of two evils to just bring your own.

MikeUniformMike · 31/12/2017 17:53

The host didn't need to provide ANY extra dishes. All she needed to do was accept the offer of a vegetarian dish for the vegetarians.

The host could easily have made meat-free gravy, roast potatoes in vegetable fat, and used vegetable suet in the mince pies and Christmas pudding. It would have taken no extra effort.

You Blink are probably the shittyest host ever.

Blink66 · 31/12/2017 18:03

MikeUniformMike

Why would I offer the vast majority of my guests poor quality alternatives? Meat gravy is superior, meat roasted potatoes are superior.

I would need to do additional dishes!

I'm not a shitty host - but I also don't make demands just based on choices and try to make everyone else work around them as if they were medical. As I said, I don't like sage - I don't find it tragic I can't have stuffing.

I realise its different viewpoints, but if you think everyone else should compromise to accommodate you on roast potatoes and gravy - then why can't you compromise to accommodate the others?

Lunde · 31/12/2017 18:03

All this talk of nut roasts. It feels like the 80s again.

I don't know - I am really sad that I lost my recipe for Pine-nut Wellington with lemon thyme stuffing that I served for Christmas lunch to vegetarians in the 1980s as it was loved by non-veggies as well

MikeUniformMike · 31/12/2017 18:13

Meat gravy is superior, I expect.
I doubt that potatoes roasted in veg oil are inferior.

I don't find it tragic that you can't have stuffing either.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/12/2017 18:15

My roast potatoes are wonderful. I do them in olive oil.

I don't have to cater for any vegetarians currently, but if I did I would enjoy the challenge and regard making a good meal for them as an absolutely essential part of being a good host. All I'd have to do is make sure there was a veggie main course, separate gravy and stuffing (none of this is a big deal) and keep it all apart from the meaty bits. They could then share all the vegetables, bread sauce and cranberry relish with the rest of us.

I do make my shortcrust pastry with half lard, half butter, because it makes it beautifully flaky, but if I knew I'd have a vegetarian around to eat my mince pies I'd go back to all butter. I'd make my Christmas pudding with vegetable suet or some other alternative to ordinary suet. I'd also make sure there was vegetarian cheese on offer (i.e. no animal rennet used in making it).

What an odd thread this has been. I'd be absolutely ashamed to see three of my guests unable to eat most of the meal I'd slaved over. As a fellow guest I'd be aghast too. I can't believe nobody said anything about it at all. What a bunch of cowards.

PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2017 18:19

Some very weird views on hosting here. I always ask if there’s anything people don’t eat/don’t like. It’s not usually that hard to come up with something everyone will enjoy eating.

MikeUniformMike · 31/12/2017 18:21

Well said Gasp, you sound a lovely host.

RadioGaGoo · 31/12/2017 18:28

Bloody hell. Would hate to find myself at Blinks table.