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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You should not invite a vegetarian for Christmas if you have no intention of catering for them?

586 replies

Trueheart1 · 29/12/2017 11:24

You should not invite a vegetarian for Christmas dinner if you have no intention of catering for them?

I am a vegetarian. I went to my MIL's for Christmas dinner and all I could eat was Brussels sprouts, peas, carrots and potatoes. Without gravy!

The stuffing, gravy etc.. all had animal products.

There were 14 of us in total and 3 of us were very disappointed vegetarians.

I usually host and make sure everyone is catered for. I felt quite irritated, as I had offered to bring any part of the meal and if she had told me she was not catering for the vegetarians, I would have done it.

My MIL is very traditional and supports fox hunting. I suspect that she does not agree with being vegetarian and this was her passive aggressive way of showing that.

In every other way she is lovely and a great MIL. She wants us to come again next year. How do I politely make sure this does not happen again?

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 30/12/2017 17:02

I can't agree with you derxa. Inviting guests and not catering to their needs is just not in the spirit of Christmas and just not hospitable.

It is part and parcel of the whole day. The message comes across as "I am unwelcoming and don't care about you". Christmas isn't just about being with other people. It is about showing people you care about them, and you do this by catering for vegetarians/vegans/coeliacs/dairy intolerant people or anyone else with different dietary needs. It isn't rocket science.

I keep reading on here about it being a generational thing. I'm not so sure. I am 59 and probably a similar age to many of the MIL's written about on MN. I have no problems cooking a vegetarian option, a gluten free option, a dairy free option etc etc. I think it is to do with being able to think outside of the box and knowing that any recipe is a quick google away.

derxa · 30/12/2017 17:14

I'm exactly the same as you Lonicera including the age but some people (these hosts) are just bloody odd. Grin

Beezley · 30/12/2017 17:35

If she supports fox hunting then mil or not I wouldnt give her the time of day

Branleuse · 30/12/2017 17:59

fucking hell, i thought it was frowned upon if someone was too focussed on presents, but now we are not doing xmas right if we want a nice christmas dinner???

I thought the people and family bit was the endurance bit, and the food was the bit to look forward to personally

CasanovaFrankenstein · 30/12/2017 18:38

@natwebb79 ooh both those sound lovely! If online please can you link?

We had mix including veggie, vegan, coeliac. Everyone catered for.

Not buying the 'it's about everything but the food angle'. Come on...

user1485778793 · 30/12/2017 18:46

Don't agree with the ageism. My gran became a veggie in her 30s, she's now 83. She always cooked Xmas dinner till a few years ago. She would do veggie options, meat and vegan. Her food was lovely.

I think your mil was a bit mean to just serve veg to the vegetarians, sounds like she has no concept of nutrition or a balanced meal. I wouldn't go again

LoniceraJaponica · 30/12/2017 18:54

I'm with you User. Before 88 year old MIL succumbed to Alzheimer's she would cook veggie meals for SIL.

natwebb79 · 30/12/2017 20:34

@CasanovaFrankenstein I've sent you a PM 😊

Geordie1944 · 30/12/2017 20:37

My wife and I are vegetarians but we bring up our son as an omnivore until he is old enough to choose for himself. For Christmas dinner we had a savoury loaf with chestnuts and cranberries and a vegetable pilaff, he had pasta bolognaise and for afters we had an apple and Wensleydale cheese pie and a cheese board that we all piled into. When I entertain meat eaters I always send my proposed menu beforehand and ask them if this will be OK [always sensible in case of allergies anyway], and most people are happy to go along with it - in fact numbers of them ask for my recipes afterwards. Your MIL is over-entitled and rude, and needs to be told that she has dropped an enormous clanger. Peace and goodwill going full blast there by the sound of it.

oblada · 30/12/2017 21:03

Are people really that bothered? Funnily enough we catered this year and provided meat for the family (meat, stuffing and gravy - all meat obviously) We (the 'veggies' and the hosts) enjoyed the vegs. I suppose it depends how the vegs were done. We had sweet potato fries, sprouts, mash, carrots and parsnips with honey roasted. We had some crisps etc before the meal. Some cheese at the end. The Christmas pud was veggie friendly and I'd also made a cake for a relative who can't have diary or gluten. To me it was fine :)

SusieOwl4 · 30/12/2017 21:18

To me it sounds non intentional by someone who put a lot of effort into looking after a large party ,but did not really think through the veggie options. I am a bit controlling in my kitchen and don’t know why but I often refuse help or people bringing food . More fool me . It’s a bit of a feeling that if I am hosting I need to do it all. Perhaps when you offered to bring food she did not click what you meant . So as you had a lovely Christmas and apparently she is a nice person and she likes you all enough to invite you back , I agree don’t upset her now , but next year you have to think of a way to carefully broach the veggiepart of the meal. Can you invite her to your house in between and show off your skills ? My parents are of farming origins and I don’t think they get veggies either. But they are lovely people . I think they would have done the same . Unintentionally.

Suebreo · 30/12/2017 21:23

On all levels this is rude and insulting, if you invite family to a Christmas lunch u cater for them. I think you are very generous to want to be polite, someone needs to tell her to do one, she is a bully.

SusieOwl4 · 30/12/2017 21:34

She did cater for them. Just not correctly .

The OP keeps saying she is a nice person . But posters seem to want to ignore that bit.

bastardkitty · 30/12/2017 21:53

She did not cater for them. There just happened to be a couple of things they were able to eat, which did not constitute a meal at all. Why don't you stop mangling the truth?

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 30/12/2017 22:07

Well no one starved, she probably thinks veggies eat vegetables, it might not have crossed her mind that some of the things weren’t veggie friendly (I know when I was veggie people didn’t think about ingredients, how things were cooked). Nor eating meat literally meant not eating a slice of beef etc. Next year make a but roast-plenty for all and simply say, her meal was lovely but traditionally your family have the nut roast too and you have brought it a long for people to try with her food, kind of blending two families traditions

PutUpWithRain · 30/12/2017 22:43

OP, next year come and have Christmas with me & my family. DC & I are meateaters. For Christmas dinner this year we had vegetarian spaghetti carbonara with my dad, and on boxing day a a 'proper' Christmas dinner by my sister. The only bit missing was turkey - we did our traditional Quorn thingy instead that was much nicer than the dried up, tasteless turkey bollocks we would have had otherwise. If I'd been hosting, I wouldn't have served up anything other than meatless too.

My Dad's a vigilant veggie, but he proper bloody loves a roast. On the weekends when the DC are with their dad he & I have devoted ourselves to finding the best veggie options for Sunday lunch. It keeps us out of trouble. Apart from the bit where we spend several hours in pubs together.

thecatsabsentcojones · 30/12/2017 22:52

Why is there all this talk of nut roast? We are veggie and we tried seitan roast this Xmas, we'd have had a nice Wellington had that not worked. There's god knows how many recipes you can have as a veggie. Be creative...
I've been veggie for thirty years now but bloody hell, with just nut roast as a frigging main choice even I might have given up.
As for the mother in law, what an arse, if she supports bloody fox hunting it's a purely nasty point she's made. Fuck her, don't go back.

masterchef98 · 30/12/2017 23:22

For us the Christmas meal is as much about the special veggies as the special meat. I was veggie a long time ago for a few years because I don't like meat that much, my family and in laws went to such effort I felt guilty. I'd honestly have been happy with roast potatoes, cauli cheese and some veggie bisto. My mum actually still often cooks special veggie meals for me 20 years later.

It doesn't sound like your veggies were special but it does also sound like she maybe just doesn't understand or can't cope with the added pressure. The best option would seem to be to take your own main element to share and maybe a nice veggie side dish.

ppeatfruit · 31/12/2017 10:22

A nut roast could be a dried up mix of cheap nuts / quorn type stuff packed out with breadcrumbs and dried herbs from a supermarket or a homemade lovely mix of chopped chestnuts, in a base of onions/garlic etc cooked in wine and olive oil. . with. A type of stuffing with no meat ingredients.

There are all types Grin.

bastardkitty · 31/12/2017 10:44

All this talk of nut roasts. It feels like the 80s again.

SnowyBerries · 31/12/2017 11:43

Yum

Undercoverbanana · 31/12/2017 12:14

I bloody love my nutroast. Onions, garlic, celery, carrot, red pepper, mushrooms, lentils, tomato, nuts, eggs, cheese, breadcrumbs, parsley. Yum. Lasts for days.

clueless2010 · 31/12/2017 13:11

That's outrageous. It happened to me when I went for dinner once to my parents friends when I was younger. They told them I was veggie and offered to bring something but they said it was OK. Then...the only option for me was a salad which was completely topped with ham...so the ham had touched all of the salad leaves and I was expected just to eat that and pick the ham out! Wasn't impressed and left really hungry.

To get around this next year...just bring your own dinner whether or not she says not to.

CointreauVersial · 31/12/2017 13:17

My veggie aunt used to do a fabulous nut roast (yes, she brought her own when invited for Christmas) - it was so good I would have it instead of turkey if there was any spare. 80s or not, nut roast can be amazing.

notacooldad · 31/12/2017 13:23

All this talk of nut roasts. It feels like the 80s again.
Nowt up with a classic dish!
I have a choice of 4 that I tend to make up and one of them is bang up to date with the ingredients. A modern twisted an old favourite if you like!

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