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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friend is being a bit weird.

296 replies

Adikia · 29/12/2017 05:21

Friend has met my DD 3 times, because we live far apart and friend has no DC, so when we meet up it tends to be for a night out rather than anything child friendly, friend has also been adamant up until recently that they don't like children. A few months ago we took DD(9) out for a day trip to somewhere they were both interested in, DD was on her very best behaviour and friend has decided my DD is amazing (which obviously she is). Friend posted DD something for Christmas. Not a cheap something you might buy a friends child, a thoughtful expensive something specific to DD's fairly unusual hobby. He has also bought me a very expensive Christmas present, like over £200, it's a much better model/brand of something I had been saving up to get myself. Friend is not well off, probably slightly better off than I am but certainly not rich enough that he won't have had to save to afford the gifts. We've never really done gifts before, maybe the odd bottle of local cider or fruit wines but never more than that.

He has started sending me emails for DD asking if I could pass them on, which I'm fine with, there's nothing in them that worries me, it's just that there are a lot of emails, he also wrote in her Christmas card 'thanks for being such a great mate' which just felt a bit odd, plus he called specifically to ask how parents evening went, which really, other than doting grandparents who actually cares how other peoples kids parents evenings went? reading the emails, he often tells DD I am great, or beautiful, or wise, which is weird for us, we don't usually compliment each other. He's also been facebook and whatsapp messaging me 5/6 times a day and if I don't reply I then get emails and texts, he's phoned me every morning before work and every afternoon on my way home since about October for no real reason. Previously we spoke via facebook maybe once a week. He let slip the other day that he checks the local bus app before calling, he checks the local weather forecast, he reads my local news, he has literally no connection to the area other than me living here.

So as not to dripfeed, friend is very recently divorced, messages got more intense just after the divorce went through. A large part of the issue is he decided he wants DC, ex-wife doesn't, and to be fair has been very clear on that since they were first dating. He has asked me quite a few times if I think he'll be a good dad, and if I think he is good husband material. Assuming it was the divorce knocking his confidence I spent an evening telling him how lucky any woman would be, he's only early 30's so plenty of time yet etc. Messages started that evening. I am married, have been for 10 years.

OP posts:
hevonbu · 29/12/2017 05:27

Um, he's not aiming to have you and DD as friends forever, he seems about to "adopt" you two into his nearest family?

Addictedtothisbloodyforum · 29/12/2017 05:28

Oh dear sounds like he has a crush on you and sees you as his ready made family

hevonbu · 29/12/2017 05:28

How does he get on with your husband? Are they good friends too?

birdlover1977 · 29/12/2017 05:29

Sounds like he would love to be in a relationship with you and be a step parent to your daughter.

hevonbu · 29/12/2017 05:33

It might be, what's it called now, an infatuation, one that'll blow over later. Talk it through with your husband. If your husband and your friend are friends, it might be easier for everyone, and you might not have to lose your friend as a friend. (True friends are rare and hard to find so it might be worth putting in an effort to make things work out nicely for everybody.)

Original poster
Adikia · 29/12/2017 05:36

Damn, DH thought crush too, I was rather hoping he was just lonely.

They get on ok, they'll happily sit and chat but they aren't really friends, they don't have much in common.

OP posts:
Pearlsaringer · 29/12/2017 05:42

He sounds a bit obsessive, and is clearly picking up the wrong signals from you. I think you are going to have to nip this in the bud quickly. I’m not sure about talking it through with your husband.How is he likely to react? Sorry, doesn’t sound healthy at all.

Justkeepswimminglalala · 29/12/2017 05:43

Poor guy, sounds to me like he is lonely and thoroughly enjoys yours and dds company. If he is not long seperated he is likely going through a phase post break up where he needs to focus his attention somewhere else. Fwiw, when I was a child my gran new an older man (say 50/60s) who I got on great with from work. He would write me letters and I would write back to him, and he often sent me expensive gifts. He was a lovely man!

Pearlsaringer · 29/12/2017 05:44

Ah, see you have already discussed with DH, he seems level headed about it. Yes, crush, but level of contact and ‘stalking’ your home area is a bit OTT.

OrinocoDugong · 29/12/2017 05:54

Yeah that's a bit weird and stalkerish. If you were single it would be worrying because he seems to be trying to force a close relationship single-handedly and shows a fundamental lack of understanding of how relationships grow. As you are married and presumably have expressed no dissatisfaction with that his behaviour is also utterly misplaced.

I think you need to tell him to back off, but do so in writing to keep a paper trail and be careful of the personal safety of you and your family. Stalkers are lovely friendly and kind until they are first told to back off. Then they will either get nasty (which can include violence, or practical demonstrations of hatred on a scale similar to previous demonstrations of love) or they will redouble their efforts to win you. Neither path is good. Be safe.

Original poster
Adikia · 29/12/2017 06:03

DH has been fine, probably would have been a bit bothered if he'd found out rather than me telling him but we talk about everything so he knows I haven't encouraged it or anything.

It is stalkerish isn't it?

OP posts:
RefuseTheLies · 29/12/2017 06:07

I think calling this a crush is minimising some fucking insane behaviour on his part. He’s called you twice a day, every day for two months? That’s intense and concerning. Be very wary, op.

Pearlsaringer · 29/12/2017 06:37

Odd certainly but you say he is a friend so presumably no form for weird behaviour. It depends what your history together is (not an ex, for example?)

I would discourage contact with your DD, and knock the ‘nights out’ on the head unless DH is also in tow. If you can’t return the gift can you thank him in writing along the lines of, lovely gesture but unnecessarily generous, you have only done what any friend would do in supporting him at difficult time etc etc.

Don’t be unnecessarily concerned at this point, but equally don’t ignore any troubling signals.

dudsville · 29/12/2017 07:53

I think you need to get ahold of this quickly. I can't tell what his intentions are but he's obsessed and he's not allowed to be mates with your dd just all of a sudden and you're married. Clear boundaries or he will think it's ok to make you uncomfortable.

Brightredpencil · 29/12/2017 07:59

Totally inappropriate and weird. I would send the gift back or message him saying thanks but it's really too much and let it be obvious that you're talking about the messaging too...

thornyhousewife · 29/12/2017 08:11

I'd be very wary of this person.

TheFlame · 29/12/2017 08:27

get ready for a declaration of undying love and suggestion you he and DD move away together.

BastardGoDarkly · 29/12/2017 08:35

No, this is way OTT, I wouldn't feel comfortable with it at all.

It does need nipping in the bud, kindly though, if possible.

UrsulaPandress · 29/12/2017 08:38

Weirdo.

Pengggwn · 29/12/2017 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cambionome · 29/12/2017 08:42

Don't want to worry you, but are you sure it's you he's interested in, not your dd?

To be fair, maybe he just misses being part of a couple and is looking longingly at family life through rose-tinted spectacles.

Either way, you need to distance yourself a bit here.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/12/2017 08:42

@Adikia, read back your post, this 'friend' is well and truly overstepping the mark, borderline stalkerish. Your daughter is nine years old, he shouldn't be allowed to keep up contact with her, like he is, something isn't right. Ringing you every morning, try not answering, then see it escalate. You sound like a lovely and intelligent woman, please distance yourself, and tell your daughter, never to accept an invitation, or a lift from this person, ever, without your prior knowledge. Could your DH answer the phone instead ? You've been a good friend, but possibly this man needs a different kind of help.🌸

sonjadog · 29/12/2017 08:48

I think you start off by cutting down the contact. Don’t reply every time and only take the call when it suits you. If he doesn’t get the hint, then you need to be blunt.

Thedietstartsnow · 29/12/2017 08:50

I'd head him in your dh direction,let dh take over the friendship,they could have a bromance...seriously thou...could your dh head of some emails ,invite him out for a pint.the poor guy sounds lonely

Roussette · 29/12/2017 08:53

How on earth can you put up with someone ringing you on your way to work and as you leave work every day?

I couldn't put up with my DH or best friend doing that, it's smothering.

Also, you need to return the expensive gifts. By accepting them the message you are giving is 'carry on like you are, we like the attention'