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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think friend is being a bit weird.

296 replies

Adikia · 29/12/2017 05:21

Friend has met my DD 3 times, because we live far apart and friend has no DC, so when we meet up it tends to be for a night out rather than anything child friendly, friend has also been adamant up until recently that they don't like children. A few months ago we took DD(9) out for a day trip to somewhere they were both interested in, DD was on her very best behaviour and friend has decided my DD is amazing (which obviously she is). Friend posted DD something for Christmas. Not a cheap something you might buy a friends child, a thoughtful expensive something specific to DD's fairly unusual hobby. He has also bought me a very expensive Christmas present, like over £200, it's a much better model/brand of something I had been saving up to get myself. Friend is not well off, probably slightly better off than I am but certainly not rich enough that he won't have had to save to afford the gifts. We've never really done gifts before, maybe the odd bottle of local cider or fruit wines but never more than that.

He has started sending me emails for DD asking if I could pass them on, which I'm fine with, there's nothing in them that worries me, it's just that there are a lot of emails, he also wrote in her Christmas card 'thanks for being such a great mate' which just felt a bit odd, plus he called specifically to ask how parents evening went, which really, other than doting grandparents who actually cares how other peoples kids parents evenings went? reading the emails, he often tells DD I am great, or beautiful, or wise, which is weird for us, we don't usually compliment each other. He's also been facebook and whatsapp messaging me 5/6 times a day and if I don't reply I then get emails and texts, he's phoned me every morning before work and every afternoon on my way home since about October for no real reason. Previously we spoke via facebook maybe once a week. He let slip the other day that he checks the local bus app before calling, he checks the local weather forecast, he reads my local news, he has literally no connection to the area other than me living here.

So as not to dripfeed, friend is very recently divorced, messages got more intense just after the divorce went through. A large part of the issue is he decided he wants DC, ex-wife doesn't, and to be fair has been very clear on that since they were first dating. He has asked me quite a few times if I think he'll be a good dad, and if I think he is good husband material. Assuming it was the divorce knocking his confidence I spent an evening telling him how lucky any woman would be, he's only early 30's so plenty of time yet etc. Messages started that evening. I am married, have been for 10 years.

OP posts:
monkeywithacowface · 30/12/2017 23:49

I agree his response is not good. It is very much "No no no what I have been doing is all fine and normal it is you that isn't seeing things clearly"

I would reply "No need to call I'm just letting you know that XX number of calls/messages/emails/phoning my sister is really NOT OK. Please respect that you are making me and DH very uncomfortable with this constant level of contact"

skippykips · 30/12/2017 23:50

Op, I'm not even sure what to say. I personally would block his numbers, fb and whatsapp etc. However, I walk away from people quite easily.

This would have creeped me out. Please make sure when DD goes school that they are aware that she does not leave with anybody except you, your husband and the emergency people.
My DDs school are pretty hot on it usually. My DDs school has a note to say, under no circumstances does she go home with her nan. (Dps mum) no emergency will be big enough for the nan to be sent to school to pick her up. Anyway, my mum wanted to surprise DD and to be there when I picked her up from school. I thought I might 'test the water' I didn't go into the playground. My mum stood by the doors waiting for DD...
Next thing I knew my mum and DDwere skipping towards me. Yes, school had let her out, to a grandmother they have never met! No questions asked whatsoever!
So please make a big point of saying nobody is to pick your DD up!

monkeywithacowface · 30/12/2017 23:51

I do mean DH in that message not your DD. I wouldn't refer to her at all but make sure he knows your DH is very aware of what is going on.

DeepanKrispanEven · 30/12/2017 23:56

I suspect this started because he misread you saying any woman would be lucky to have him as meaning you were interested - though there was almost certainly a degree of him choosing to deceive himself in that. But it has evolved into something of an obsession and you were right to make it clear that it couldn't continue.

GingerbreadMa · 30/12/2017 23:57

I agree you need to be blunt and firm no

"No. Dont call later. There is no missunderstanding here, I want you to back off. I am not enjoying your attention and as dds parents we dont think dd needs friends that arent her own age. Good bye and good luck with everything"

ShiftyMcGifty · 30/12/2017 23:58

I’d spell it out. We would FB once a week. Then, you spend a day with me and my child and you start contacting me x times a week. Today it was ...

Do you not see how creepy this is coming across?

Obviously not.

It is. I was concerned where this was coming from as we have been friends for 20 years but after your last reply, frankly I don’t care. You need to talk to a therapist about whatever issues you’re working through.

MilesHuntsWig · 31/12/2017 00:00

Wow. That’s OTT. Nothing useful to offer that others haven’t said, but wanted to add to the swell confirming it’s not usual behaviour. Good luck in dealing with it (I guess via phone is better than ignoring and risking him turning up).

thefourgp · 31/12/2017 00:01

So many red flags here. You can’t stay friends with him out of pity or because you’ve been friends for a long time. He’s not just crossed one line, he’s been acting totally inappropriately. I agree that his reply is worrying. Speaking to him and allowing him to try and justify his behaviour will be of no benefit to you. I’d just message back saying you feel uncomfortable with several aspects of his behaviour, you no longer want to continue your friendship and you don’t want him to contact you or any of your family members again. Post back his gifts and keep all messages he sends you in case you need to show them to the police at a later date but don’t reply or engage with him any further. Any more correspondence will only encourage him to keep contacting you and your sister or daughter.

thefourgp · 31/12/2017 00:04

GingerbreadMa is spot on.

Traffig · 31/12/2017 00:05

Puglife15 excellent observation re daughter. I agree.
OP, you never know anyone truly.
Groomers do not go around with "baddie" written on a T shirt.
However, I've heard people say " he was such a nice man, you never would have guessed". Groomers build trust, that is how they operate.

I really suggest talking to other agencies at this point. He is not listening to you. He wants to talk to your daughter.
Thank you for listening to your own radar, and the good folks here.

apacketofcrisps · 31/12/2017 00:09

I agree with the "you met at the same sort of age your dd is now so he sees you in her" crowd. Super weird.

Anniethinggose · 31/12/2017 00:12

It sounds like he believes he's in a relationship with you- at best. Which would be very very intense.
He's harassing you and your daughter. This is unacceptable and has been for some time.

Waddlelikeapenguin · 31/12/2017 00:12
Flowers I would be very concerned that his behaviour will escalate, he sounds unwell. Please take advice.
zzzzz · 31/12/2017 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 31/12/2017 00:49

He doesnt sound very mentally stable in all honesty........that sort of obsessive behaviour out of the blue isnt normal. Do you know any of his family members you can contact ??

GingerbreadMa · 31/12/2017 00:51

Do you know any of his family members you can contact ??
OMG dont do that!
Why on earth would you suggest this?

alphajuliet123 · 31/12/2017 00:53

I think you should speak to him, he''s been your friend forever and if he IS having some sort of crisis he might need help. That said, his motives could be more sinister, either way it needs to be nipped in the bud. Ask him straight whats going on, you know him well enough to gauge his answer.

GingerbreadMa · 31/12/2017 00:57

Whether the reason is mental health crisis or not, the OP and her DD are not under any obligation to be the colatoral damage in whatever he is going through.

Helping a friend is something you do from the OUTSIDE. Now that the OP has become entangled in his inappropriate behaviour and way of thinking, she is neither in a position to help HIM, nor is it healthy for her to do so from her own point of view.

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 31/12/2017 01:17

Because he's potentially a risk to the op. It doesnt take a fucking genius to work out that the behaviour he's exhibiting isnt that of a person of sound mind.

If the op contacts his family they may be able to get him to see how his behaviour looks but most importantly engage with services / counselling.

GingerbreadMa · 31/12/2017 01:21

If the OP contacta his family it'll send him all sorts of mixed messages ESPECIALLY if he's not of sound mind right now

It is not the OPs job right now to make sure this man who is making her uncomfortable get help which he may or may not need (he might be a perfectly sane controlling arse who has just never unleashed that part of himself on op before) .
Its the OPs job to look after herself and her dd. By stepping away not entangling further.

Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2017 01:33

OP I wonder if he is having a break down. But I agree with others you are not in a position to help him at the moment as you and your daughter are the objects of his attention.

I'm so sorry this must be very scary a d difficult.

Flowers
Adikia · 31/12/2017 03:22

I have no contact with any of his family, and I think that'd make things worse anyway tbh, I mean I can't very well go 'contacting my family is creepy, by the way, I've called your mum and told on you'

OP posts:
poopsqueak · 31/12/2017 08:26

I know it's probably not at that point anyway but I would treat it like stalking and start making notes. 'Monday 8 calls, 7fb messages' etc.

I would also tell dh about everything- even if it is awkward. I would then tell the school about the situation. Not just 'only x can pick her up' but ' only x can pick her up BECAUSE there is a suspicious person trying to insert himself in her life'

Then I would send one of the very clear texts below. Without mention of your daughter. In fact don't mention your daughter to him ever again. Then it will be noticeable how often h brings her up.

I'm another one for checking he is ok though. Could be he's going through a crisis and looking for support.

MsJolly · 31/12/2017 09:40

As you have been friends for a long time I think you should talk to him and ask what's going on

KeepServingTheDrinks · 31/12/2017 09:58

I agree with MsJolly ^

Even if the majority of you are right and he's out to groom DD, you're easily able to protect her. As you've said, you live far apart so you won't just bump into him. Give the school a photo of him to keep in reception and that will help keep that secure.

He could be grooming, but I think the whole romantic fantasy, with OP and DD as a ready-made step family is more likely.

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