Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think friend is being a bit weird.

296 replies

Adikia · 29/12/2017 05:21

Friend has met my DD 3 times, because we live far apart and friend has no DC, so when we meet up it tends to be for a night out rather than anything child friendly, friend has also been adamant up until recently that they don't like children. A few months ago we took DD(9) out for a day trip to somewhere they were both interested in, DD was on her very best behaviour and friend has decided my DD is amazing (which obviously she is). Friend posted DD something for Christmas. Not a cheap something you might buy a friends child, a thoughtful expensive something specific to DD's fairly unusual hobby. He has also bought me a very expensive Christmas present, like over £200, it's a much better model/brand of something I had been saving up to get myself. Friend is not well off, probably slightly better off than I am but certainly not rich enough that he won't have had to save to afford the gifts. We've never really done gifts before, maybe the odd bottle of local cider or fruit wines but never more than that.

He has started sending me emails for DD asking if I could pass them on, which I'm fine with, there's nothing in them that worries me, it's just that there are a lot of emails, he also wrote in her Christmas card 'thanks for being such a great mate' which just felt a bit odd, plus he called specifically to ask how parents evening went, which really, other than doting grandparents who actually cares how other peoples kids parents evenings went? reading the emails, he often tells DD I am great, or beautiful, or wise, which is weird for us, we don't usually compliment each other. He's also been facebook and whatsapp messaging me 5/6 times a day and if I don't reply I then get emails and texts, he's phoned me every morning before work and every afternoon on my way home since about October for no real reason. Previously we spoke via facebook maybe once a week. He let slip the other day that he checks the local bus app before calling, he checks the local weather forecast, he reads my local news, he has literally no connection to the area other than me living here.

So as not to dripfeed, friend is very recently divorced, messages got more intense just after the divorce went through. A large part of the issue is he decided he wants DC, ex-wife doesn't, and to be fair has been very clear on that since they were first dating. He has asked me quite a few times if I think he'll be a good dad, and if I think he is good husband material. Assuming it was the divorce knocking his confidence I spent an evening telling him how lucky any woman would be, he's only early 30's so plenty of time yet etc. Messages started that evening. I am married, have been for 10 years.

OP posts:
BulletFox · 29/12/2017 19:32

Yikes...that sounds scary.

He may well be fragile and lonely but you need to protect your family. See how he responds.

Mumof56 · 29/12/2017 19:32

He's also been facebook and whatsapp messaging me 5/6 times a day and if I don't reply I then get emails and texts, he's phoned me every morning before work and every afternoon on my way home since about October for no real reason
That's full on. Yikes.

Adikia · 29/12/2017 20:08

Yeah I will double check she's completely clear about going anywhere. We do have a very short list of people who would pick her up in an emergency but I will make sure she knows it is only the 3 people on that list and that he is not.

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 29/12/2017 20:14

Did he reply to your email?

fc301 · 29/12/2017 20:29

Sorry I also think its based around an unhealthy interest in your DD.

DesignedForLife · 29/12/2017 20:33

I'm too very worried it's not you he's interested in. Be very very careful. Does your DD have social media? I'd be keeping a very close eye on everything. Do not pass any more communication on to her.

Gemini69 · 29/12/2017 20:42

this is beyond Creepy.... be careful OP .... his focus would appear to be your most precious gift.. your Daughter ... stop the contact Flowers

schmoozypoo · 29/12/2017 21:17

How scary OP, it has got crazy quick. Dec distance yourself and your daughter quick

Marriedwithchildren5 · 29/12/2017 21:27

I agree with the grooming comment. It's not just children but everyone around the child. I had something (Not as intense) similar in my life. Grown men don't show an interest in children like that. Unless he has a huge crush on you and thinks your dd is the way in!

ApproachingATunnel · 29/12/2017 22:03

What was the reason for his divorce, do you know?
What if he has a crush on your DD, do you think that is at all possible? What is your gut feeling telling you?

Mamabooksbabynumber2 · 29/12/2017 22:14

I hate to say it OP but the first thing that came to mind was grooming xx

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 30/12/2017 00:26

Speak to your daughters school OP, agree a code word, that only you, your daughter. the school, and authorised adults know. Better to be safe than sorry. Be ready for this 'friend', to surprise you, he is clearly disturbed.

ZipItZebedee · 30/12/2017 01:11

OP, I'm a bit purturbed by the fact you have let this go on so long before fully realising that it's so creepy. To have started a thread asking if you are being unreasonable to think he is creepy shows a lack of confidence in your own ability to judge what is ok behaviour. Iyswim It seems so glaringly obvious that it's not ok. Do you have form for being too 'nice', too passive or too polite?

Sorry to sound critical of you but I think it might be an idea to try and work out how this all came about. It's obviously NOT your fault the guy is creepy but maybe if you were more aware of why this happened it might prevent it happening again. One thing that stands out retrospectively as an obvious bad move by you was spending the evening telling him how lucky any woman would be (to have him). I'm really, really, really not trying to suggest you are to blame at all, I'm just suggesting you raise your creep radar in future.

LockedOutOfMN · 30/12/2017 01:17

I think he fancies you and is also a little unhinged which is reflected in his obsessive behaviour. He may well have a fantasy about creating a family with you and DD. You need to block contact between him and your DD and be really firm with him in your own contact with him.

Maelstrop · 30/12/2017 01:20

7 emails, 11 fb messages and 8 missed calls and he's fb messaged my sister (who hes never even spoken to before) asking if im ok!

Holy fuck, that’s escalated quickly. I think you need to block him and get rid, OP. This is too weird.

Oywotchadoin · 30/12/2017 01:20

Gosh! I wonder does he have a tribute wall?

hollowtree · 30/12/2017 01:28

He just sounds lonely to me and is pinning his hopes for happiness on you.

I think it will blow over. RE: the gifts, someone did this for me once and I felt weirdly indebted to them but didn't want to no accept... so I got a voucher for the store they got them from for the same value. Looking back that's weird but felt like the best solution at the time? It was kind of my way of saying "thanks for the gift. I'm not going to sleep with you. Have this instead"

hollowtree · 30/12/2017 01:29

Oh ok I didn't see the other posts... bit much

Oywotchadoin · 30/12/2017 01:32

I have male friends. If one of them started going on like this I’d ask them what on earth they were thinking! If he’s a mate OP, call him out on it!

justilou1 · 30/12/2017 01:48

Give your daughter a password so that she knows that if you haven't discussed it with others, whoever tells her that they are picking you up and you have sanctioned it, have proof.

brizzledrizzle · 30/12/2017 01:55

Are you sure that he's not flattering you to gain your trust and so get access to your daughter?

I'd be ending the friendship. His loneliness is not your issue, protecting your daughter is.

Traffig · 30/12/2017 01:55

Agree with everyone else here. This is far from healthy.
A grown man should not be emailing a 9 year old! I would describe the presents, flattery etc as a kind of grooming behaviour, but then I am, for good reason, a suspicious kind of person.

I would seek advice before you do anything else OP, NSPCC, police or
www.suzylamplugh.org/

thegreatbeyond · 30/12/2017 01:56

I thought grooming, too. Possibly trying to make her 'like' him more than her father, but it is actually very sinister. Also most grown men know that is what it would look like.

thegreatbeyond · 30/12/2017 01:57

Also, the hobby...something he could later 'offer' to take her alone, perhaps?

Devilishpyjamas · 30/12/2017 02:03

He may just have a very intense crush on you - it has a special name doesn't It? Limerence (first learned about it on here).

Either way it’s all very inappropriate. How he responds to your message asking him to back off will reveal which way this is going to go. The best case scenario is that he sees you as a safe person to be like this with because you are unavailable by being married & he’ll just realise he’s overstepped the mark once called on it and be mortified. Anything else is a bit sinister really. Good luck OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread