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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think friend is being a bit weird.

296 replies

Adikia · 29/12/2017 05:21

Friend has met my DD 3 times, because we live far apart and friend has no DC, so when we meet up it tends to be for a night out rather than anything child friendly, friend has also been adamant up until recently that they don't like children. A few months ago we took DD(9) out for a day trip to somewhere they were both interested in, DD was on her very best behaviour and friend has decided my DD is amazing (which obviously she is). Friend posted DD something for Christmas. Not a cheap something you might buy a friends child, a thoughtful expensive something specific to DD's fairly unusual hobby. He has also bought me a very expensive Christmas present, like over £200, it's a much better model/brand of something I had been saving up to get myself. Friend is not well off, probably slightly better off than I am but certainly not rich enough that he won't have had to save to afford the gifts. We've never really done gifts before, maybe the odd bottle of local cider or fruit wines but never more than that.

He has started sending me emails for DD asking if I could pass them on, which I'm fine with, there's nothing in them that worries me, it's just that there are a lot of emails, he also wrote in her Christmas card 'thanks for being such a great mate' which just felt a bit odd, plus he called specifically to ask how parents evening went, which really, other than doting grandparents who actually cares how other peoples kids parents evenings went? reading the emails, he often tells DD I am great, or beautiful, or wise, which is weird for us, we don't usually compliment each other. He's also been facebook and whatsapp messaging me 5/6 times a day and if I don't reply I then get emails and texts, he's phoned me every morning before work and every afternoon on my way home since about October for no real reason. Previously we spoke via facebook maybe once a week. He let slip the other day that he checks the local bus app before calling, he checks the local weather forecast, he reads my local news, he has literally no connection to the area other than me living here.

So as not to dripfeed, friend is very recently divorced, messages got more intense just after the divorce went through. A large part of the issue is he decided he wants DC, ex-wife doesn't, and to be fair has been very clear on that since they were first dating. He has asked me quite a few times if I think he'll be a good dad, and if I think he is good husband material. Assuming it was the divorce knocking his confidence I spent an evening telling him how lucky any woman would be, he's only early 30's so plenty of time yet etc. Messages started that evening. I am married, have been for 10 years.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 30/12/2017 02:04

Agree with everyone else, way too much, creepy, scary, no boundaries.

Protect your child, send gifts back and I'd really cut contact or make it very minimal. He has massively overstepped the mark.

LittlePaintBox · 30/12/2017 02:14

It sounds like an unhealthy obsession which needs nipping in the bud, rather than feeding.

Hissy · 30/12/2017 06:58

I read the op, my immediate thought was that he was grooming you/your dd and isn’t safe to have around your child.

I also wonder what the real reason was for his ex not to want kids with him

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon · 30/12/2017 07:45

Jesus wept, people feeling sorry for him and suggesting you were too harsh? No!! People get away with this behaviour because women are socialised to ‘be nice’ and ‘not upset people.’ Predators rely on people (women) to be too nice to tell them to fuck off. Don’t be.
This behaviour is not normal op, and well done you for sending that email.
Now get a copy of ‘the gift of fear’ and read it cover to cover. It’ll help you read situations better so you and your dd are safe. Good luck to you Flowers

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon · 30/12/2017 07:52

Set up a password with your dd too - she only goes with an adult who has the password. Anyone else tries to pick her up she refuses and finds a trusted adult (teacher, police officer) immediately. Teach her it’s ok to be rude/do what’s needed to get away from someone who doesn’t have the password. If it was me picking up a friend’s child and I’d forgotten the word/didn’t know it, I’d be fine with them refusing/being ‘rude’ and getting away from me, because i’d realise they’d been taught about personal safety. Any other person with innocent/good intentions would be the same.

Chikka1971 · 30/12/2017 08:04

Like others, my first thought on reading this was that he was grooming you both and interested in your DD. His behaviour changed after your day out with her. But don't wait to find out. Whatever his intentions this is weird and unwanted so please put boundaries in and keep her well away from him! Well done for being so on the ball with this OP. Many aren't unfortunately.....xx

Justkeepswimminglalala · 30/12/2017 08:11

Oh crikey, having read your updates op, I no longer think he is just lonely. Seems like he is grooming your dd, or has an unhealthy crush on you. His behaviour is not ok!

OpalIridescence · 30/12/2017 08:23

I am surprised by people saying it's a crush and be gentle with him.

No, your DD and your family are your only concern here. The last thing you should do is ignore instincts to be polite.

I read your OP and thought grooming your daughter. Would be very unhappy that this intensity began after meeting her.

Whatever his motivation, he is acting completely inappropriately. I don't think you should apologise for your request to back off, don't think you should get your DH to have a blokey word.
Tell him without emotion to totally back off.

Like a pp said he is a long-standing friend so surely he would immediately do what makes you comfortable.

Good idea to strengthen school pick up proceedures and be clear with DD who she goes with.

I would also get family to block him on Facebook so he can't be part of your family in that way.

Sorry you have had this land on your lap.

Devilishpyjamas · 30/12/2017 08:28

I think most of the crush comments were prior to the update? Where it becomes clear he’s obsessive. I still think there’s a slim chance that he may be like this because OP is married and unavailable (in which case calling him out will be enough for him to be mortified and stop). I hope he does come to his senses and stop. But the precautions with the dd are sensible (sensible anyway).

AvoidingDM · 30/12/2017 08:53

I can't decide if he sees you and DD as a ready made family or if he has other intentions towards DD. Either way remind him you are happily married etc I certainly think he has been trying to out shine DH when it came to Christmas gifts.
You've known him since you were 13, I'm assuming your both the same age and he wasn't much older than you?
If he was much older even 5 years older that would worry me. Did he do anything in appropriate to you at that time?

I'm thinking you need to stand firm and remind him you are happily married and he needs to back off.

Devilishpyjamas · 30/12/2017 08:57

Oh dh was given a completely inappropriate gift from a colleague who clearly had a crush on him once. It was a leaving gift. We knew she was obsessive about him beforehand and had been trying to establish boundaries.

DH returned the gift to her and said he couldn’t accept it as is was too much. Didn’t really hear from her again so it worked (all rather sad in some ways though).

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 30/12/2017 09:01

The fact hé wasn’t like this until after he met DD makes me think he’s trying to groom her rather than having a crush on you.

His behaviour is way out of line. Did he reply to your message?

Nikephorus · 30/12/2017 10:17

The fact hé wasn’t like this until after he met DD makes me think he’s trying to groom her rather than having a crush on you.
I disagree. I think it's more the ready-made family scenario that appeals to him, and by being "best buddies" with DD he'll get (in his mind) to be more appealing to OP; he'll look like great stepdad material. Bear in mind that OP says he'd decided he wanted kids & his ex-wife didn't, and that the messages ramped up post-divorce, and that he's asked OP's views on his suitability as a dad & husband.

MiddleClassProblem · 30/12/2017 10:24

Jesus wept, people feeling sorry for him and suggesting you were too harsh?

My comment about it being abrupt and harsh and him being fragile was more about him having a reaction that could be dangerous to OP it himself. It was fuck all with feeling sorry for him.

I think if someone is acting “unhinged” then funnily enough they could react “unhinged” to the thing they are obsessed with being taken away.

It’s fuck all to do with a being a woman socialised to be nice and a shit of a lot to do with protecting yourself. Having been physically abused as a child, you learn young about diffusing situations and getting an exit plan.

princesssparkle1 · 30/12/2017 10:49

Cut all contact completely. If he comes to the house call the police.

Imo this is grooming the mother to get to the child - although best case scenario is that he wants a ready made family and he's going to ask you to leave your DH.

Why has DH allowed this to continue? If you're too soft to get rid, why hasn't DH done it?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 30/12/2017 14:14

Have you heard from him OP ?

MyBeloved · 30/12/2017 14:18

I agree with pp: he appears to be grooming you to get to DD. Please send those gifts back and cut contact completely.

DecisionTree · 30/12/2017 17:55

This does sound like grooming - sorry.

CremeFresh · 30/12/2017 18:06

Of all the men I know , not one of them would want to be mates with a 9 year old girl. His behaviour is quite alarming.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 30/12/2017 20:16

The amount of people who think it's acceptable for a grown man to suddenly show this much interest in a little girl is surprising. Be over protective. That's what parents need to be!

Cantuccit · 30/12/2017 20:28

Agree with pp, the escalation of contact/presents after meeting dd is disturbing, even if it's due to him seeing you as a surrogate family.

It's good you are nipping this in the bud OP.

Tika77 · 30/12/2017 20:42

I'd call police/nspcc and tell them all this. For yours and others' sake.

thetwinkletoescollective · 30/12/2017 20:46

C'mon you know..its completely weird.

No one at all is interested in 'how parents evening went for someone else's daughter'. It is an excuse to make contact.

No grown man writes emails to a daughter (even if he is passing them by you)..(unless he's a brother/uncle/dad/grandad/has some sort of proper relationship).

(Metaphorically run run run far away!!)

sprockercrazy · 30/12/2017 21:03

This man is potentially dangerous to you and your DD. 1 day with her and he is obsessed

I for one do not feel sorry for him!

I agree with other who have said about 'grooming' and if I was in this situation I would be stopping all contact, returning gifts and putting measures into place to protect your DD. Definitely talk to your DD about who she is allowed to go home from school with , emergency people and I agree with PP who said about having a password in place

I don't want to be dramatic but this behaviour is NOT normal.

Grammarist · 30/12/2017 21:11

This is raising huge red flags for me (trained in safeguarding).

Cut contact. Contact your local police and talk to someone so that you have evidence logged in case it ramps up.

The level of contact/type of contact he is doing is not at all normal and you need to protect your daughter, in case he is focusing too much on her.

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