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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think friend is being a bit weird.

296 replies

Adikia · 29/12/2017 05:21

Friend has met my DD 3 times, because we live far apart and friend has no DC, so when we meet up it tends to be for a night out rather than anything child friendly, friend has also been adamant up until recently that they don't like children. A few months ago we took DD(9) out for a day trip to somewhere they were both interested in, DD was on her very best behaviour and friend has decided my DD is amazing (which obviously she is). Friend posted DD something for Christmas. Not a cheap something you might buy a friends child, a thoughtful expensive something specific to DD's fairly unusual hobby. He has also bought me a very expensive Christmas present, like over £200, it's a much better model/brand of something I had been saving up to get myself. Friend is not well off, probably slightly better off than I am but certainly not rich enough that he won't have had to save to afford the gifts. We've never really done gifts before, maybe the odd bottle of local cider or fruit wines but never more than that.

He has started sending me emails for DD asking if I could pass them on, which I'm fine with, there's nothing in them that worries me, it's just that there are a lot of emails, he also wrote in her Christmas card 'thanks for being such a great mate' which just felt a bit odd, plus he called specifically to ask how parents evening went, which really, other than doting grandparents who actually cares how other peoples kids parents evenings went? reading the emails, he often tells DD I am great, or beautiful, or wise, which is weird for us, we don't usually compliment each other. He's also been facebook and whatsapp messaging me 5/6 times a day and if I don't reply I then get emails and texts, he's phoned me every morning before work and every afternoon on my way home since about October for no real reason. Previously we spoke via facebook maybe once a week. He let slip the other day that he checks the local bus app before calling, he checks the local weather forecast, he reads my local news, he has literally no connection to the area other than me living here.

So as not to dripfeed, friend is very recently divorced, messages got more intense just after the divorce went through. A large part of the issue is he decided he wants DC, ex-wife doesn't, and to be fair has been very clear on that since they were first dating. He has asked me quite a few times if I think he'll be a good dad, and if I think he is good husband material. Assuming it was the divorce knocking his confidence I spent an evening telling him how lucky any woman would be, he's only early 30's so plenty of time yet etc. Messages started that evening. I am married, have been for 10 years.

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 29/12/2017 08:59

I would be really worried.
From what you describe, it sounds like he has centred his life around you. Calling, texting, emailing that often and checking up on your local news and weather!!!!
Sounds like he is trying to live your life with you.

Have you talked about the Full extent of it with your DH?

harrietsoton · 29/12/2017 09:11

He sounds a bit creepy as it’s SO full on. Checking your local weather / transport etc is obsessive

RebootYourEngine · 29/12/2017 09:13

You need to have a blunt conversation with him. Tell him that its over the top & you aren't interested. Be prepared for him to try & split you & your dh up.

WhataLovelyPear · 29/12/2017 09:15

It sounds like he has been knocked sideways by his divorce and has fixated on you (and your DD) as a way of getting through things, and it has escalated. He's your friend and presumably you don't want to end the friendship so I would get DH to have a quiet word, nothing nasty just a kindly "this is getting a bit much, mate" sort of thing.

ZipItZebedee · 29/12/2017 09:16

Are you replying to all his messages?

I'd just tell him that you are busy and that he is contacting you too much and I'd tell him not to get you presents. I'd have given the presents back personally. I'd have done it kindly but I would have felt too uncomfortable to keep them.

When he says wierd stuff such as telling you that you are pretty in front of your DD do you say anything? I would have told him it was wierd and

comes across as a bit creepy at the time.

TheFlame · 29/12/2017 09:17

Be blunt. Tell him, in writing to back off. Tell him that his gifts are too generous and you can't reciprocate. Tell him it's inappropriate to contact your nine year old daughter. Tell him his calls / messages are too frequent, intrusive and make you feel uncomfortable. Don't rely on hints to make this go away - he already thinks you have a different relationship than you do so you need to make it clear whats going on. And I think in writing is important so there can be no 'i thought you said'. And you have evidence - if you need it, which I hope you don't - that his behaviour is not welcome.

KiteMarked · 29/12/2017 09:22

Don't ask your dh to step in, this man might think dh is blocking your true feelings from being known and ramp up his efforts.

Hopefully your friend will back off when you tell him to, but be prepared for things to go wrong.

Adikia · 29/12/2017 18:05

Well I've completely ignored him today, because I was busy, 7 emails, 11 fb messages and 8 missed calls and he's fb messaged my sister (who hes never even spoken to before) asking if im ok! Poor sister rang me in a panic coz we hardly speak and she thought he knew something she didn't.

DD knows she isn't allowed to go anywhere or do anything without me or her Dad saying so, even if its people that she knows, but yes I will tell her again. Thankfully he is the other end of the country and DD doesn't go out alone yet.

Gifts arrived by post completely unexpected, and the comments about me have been in his emails to DD, not said in front of me, which is weirder.

Ive emailed just saying 'This is all too much, the gifts, the level of contact, talking to my family, please can you just back off a bit?'

And no we haven't ever dated, he asked me on a date once when we were 13, I said no and it was never mentioned again.

OP posts:
ZipItZebedee · 29/12/2017 18:08

I'd send back the gifts too. I don't think it's appropriate to keep them. I'd be polite but I'd tell him that you don't want them. I wouldn't warn him I'd just put them in the post with a polite note.

KiteMarked · 29/12/2017 18:10

Wow, that is intense.

TicketyBoo83 · 29/12/2017 18:12

Send the gifts back and tell him in no uncertain terms to back off. I think calling this a crush is minimising some really obsessive and unsettling behaviour, I’d be a bit scared if a male friend started acting like this actually 😟

Nikephorus · 29/12/2017 18:30

Well at least he's been so OTT that you've had the opportunity to tell him to back off. Better than it dragging on at a (marginally!) lower level. If he does carry on as before you can lay down the law without bothering about hurting his feelings because he'll not have listened.

Foodylicious · 29/12/2017 18:30

Wow. Your ignoring him has really shown the intensity of all this.
Well done you for not replying except to be clear with him.

ChristmasChocandChampagne · 29/12/2017 18:39

7 emails, 11 fb messages and 8 missed calls and he's fb messaged my sister
Oh that is extreme. Genuine stalkerShock

Beelzebop · 29/12/2017 18:45

Sorry to put this, something to think about unfortunately. His behaviour is very similar to that of a predator, grooming the mum, then the child. I am hoping that this is not the case but I do speak with professional experience. He could of course just have inappropriate boundaries. Sorry if I have upset you putting this but I couldn't not. There are definite red flags.

Beelzebop · 29/12/2017 18:45

Sorry to put this, something to think about unfortunately. His behaviour is very similar to that of a predator, grooming the mum, then the child. I am hoping that this is not the case but I do speak with professional experience. He could of course just have inappropriate boundaries. Sorry if I have upset you putting this but I couldn't not. There are definite red flags.

DearMrDilkington · 29/12/2017 18:51

I find it very worrying that he became obsessed with you after spending the day with your you & daughter.

I'd have a chat to her and tell her if he ever contacts her she must tell you, even if he says you already know.

Nikephorus · 29/12/2017 19:07

I wouldn't have thought that a predator would be quite so stalkerish as this - they'd be far more subtle. This is more Fatal Attraction.

Adikia · 29/12/2017 19:08

The contact with my daughter is through my email address, she hasn't got her own thankfully, so I will know if he contacts her before she sees it, but yes, I think that needs to stop.

Posting the gifts back with a note is a good plan, that way I don't need to meet up with him.

I find it very worrying that he became obsessed with you after spending the day with your you & daughter. Actually, yeah, when you word it like that that is very worrying.

OP posts:
KeepServingTheDrinks · 29/12/2017 19:12

Very awkward.

Very uncomfortable.

Feel quite sorry for him, but that's not an excuse to be doing as he is, and it needs to stop.

SkaPunkPrincess · 29/12/2017 19:13

Oh my god he sounds terrifying! OP you really need to be very very firm. This would frighten me even from a previously good friend. this behaviour has begun instantly upon meeting your daughter. He sounds at best an obsessive stalker with a vision of playing instant happy families with you and your daughter or at worst a predatory paedophile.

You need to end this friendship. Completely. Send him a message asking him to stop contacting you and return the gifts he sent to you. If he contacts you again give him a warning that further contact will result in police action. Block him on everything you can and make sure your daughter as pp have said know never to go with him or anyone else even if they tell her you already know about it/sent him to fetch her.

Foodylicious · 29/12/2017 19:19

I wonder if thete is somewhere you can call for advice.
Just thinking if you have not lived locally to each other for a long time, you don't really know what has happened/if anything has happened in his life that would worry you.
E.g. similar level of ott relationship or even concerns with local police.
Does that make sense?

Foodylicious · 29/12/2017 19:20

Not sure if calling nspcc or 111 for advice would be over the top at this stage, but maybe something to consider ?

MiddleClassProblem · 29/12/2017 19:29

Creepy. Sounds like he really wants to woo you both as his ready made family.

Having said that, I hope your email isn’t too out of the blue or abrupt. He sounds a bit fragile. I probably would have gone with sending him some articles about best dating sites or something.

MiddleClassProblem · 29/12/2017 19:32

Also I know you said DD knows not to go somewhere with someone with out you’d say so but make sure you say to her “even if they say we say it’s ok”. You bound have a few people who are an exception to this rule if you really needed someone else to pick her up but name them with her.

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