To think friend is being a bit weird.

[Adikia]

Friend has met my DD 3 times, because we live far apart and friend has no DC, so when we meet up it tends to be for a night out rather than anything child friendly, friend has also been adamant up until recently that they don't like children. A few months ago we took DD(9) out for a day trip to somewhere they were both interested in, DD was on her very best behaviour and friend has decided my DD is amazing (which obviously she is). Friend posted DD something for Christmas. Not a cheap something you might buy a friends child, a thoughtful expensive something specific to DD's fairly unusual hobby. He has also bought me a very expensive Christmas present, like over £200, it's a much better model/brand of something I had been saving up to get myself. Friend is not well off, probably slightly better off than I am but certainly not rich enough that he won't have had to save to afford the gifts. We've never really done gifts before, maybe the odd bottle of local cider or fruit wines but never more than that.

He has started sending me emails for DD asking if I could pass them on, which I'm fine with, there's nothing in them that worries me, it's just that there are a lot of emails, he also wrote in her Christmas card 'thanks for being such a great mate' which just felt a bit odd, plus he called specifically to ask how parents evening went, which really, other than doting grandparents who actually cares how other peoples kids parents evenings went? reading the emails, he often tells DD I am great, or beautiful, or wise, which is weird for us, we don't usually compliment each other. He's also been facebook and whatsapp messaging me 5/6 times a day and if I don't reply I then get emails and texts, he's phoned me every morning before work and every afternoon on my way home since about October for no real reason. Previously we spoke via facebook maybe once a week. He let slip the other day that he checks the local bus app before calling, he checks the local weather forecast, he reads my local news, he has literally no connection to the area other than me living here.

So as not to dripfeed, friend is very recently divorced, messages got more intense just after the divorce went through. A large part of the issue is he decided he wants DC, ex-wife doesn't, and to be fair has been very clear on that since they were first dating. He has asked me quite a few times if I think he'll be a good dad, and if I think he is good husband material. Assuming it was the divorce knocking his confidence I spent an evening telling him how lucky any woman would be, he's only early 30's so plenty of time yet etc. Messages started that evening. I am married, have been for 10 years.

And block

I would ask your DH to call and be very blunt.

Is he not bothered or concerned. Have you kept him informed ?

Is he not angry.

I wouldn’t involve your husband at all, because if you do, this guy can skew it that it’s all your DHs fault and you don’t really mean it.

yes agree. It will be all the drama of the man who stood between true love

I disagree - I absolutely think your
DH needs to be fully aware of the situation that is affecting his wife and daughter.

Your husband needs to know about this

One because his daughter is involved and two because this person sounds unstable.

I would never hide a truth affecting a child from his father simply because for me it would be the biggest betrayal.

Sharing something like this is not easy because your husband might think you have been responsible but it is the right thing to do.

He is aware. Finest mean he should be calling the guy. You don’t want him to claim harassment against you.

I think you need to tell your DH everything.

Then you need to call your ‘friend’ (preferably on speaker with your DH there) and explain that his behaviour is not appropriate. In no uncertain terms.

Then do the blocking/no contact etc.

Of course he needs to know about it. It is affecting his family, and if you all are right, then his daughter is under threat.

I can't believe people are saying dint tell your husband OP...it effects his wife and child why on earth wouldn't you, what rotten advice!

I don’t think people are saying “Don’t tell the husband”, there are a few posters saying the DH should be the one to tell the friend to “back off” (unsure why, does it need to be “from one man to another”? very 1950s), and people are pointing out that if this man interprets that as the DH standing in the way, it could escalate even more than it currently has.

He isn’t backing off even with the OP herself stating blatantly she doesn’t want any contact, so if the DH steps in I can easily see him jumping to the conclusion “oh OPs DH has obviously told her to stop contact but I KNOW she still wants to talk to me, this is all his doing, he is the one in my way between OP and her DD”

Besides, OP has said her husband is aware, it’s on page 1

Creepy bastard - statistically most like to be your common or garden entitled male who has decided he would quite like to replace your husband and thus it MUST be welcome, but still better to be safe than sorry. Cut him off, no apologies and no regrets OP.

He already knows!

No one has said "don't tell your husband". There's a massive difference between "don't tell your husband" and "don't get your husband to tell him to back off".

If the OP's husband goes in all guns blazing it just paints a scenario in the guys head that the OP is being prevented from being with him by her husband.

He's already started painting himself as the concerned nice guy to her family with the call to her sister, a call from the OP's DH almost guarantees as "is the OP ok? I'm worried about her, but her DH has said she's not allowed to speak to me..." call to her sister.

I think you have done all you can OP, now it's time to get advice from the PCSO and see what she says to do and do it.

What this guy is doing made you uncomfortable FROM THE START, your instincts are spot on, but due to many factors, you have over-ridden them.

Now you know what he's doing doesn't sit well with you, you know it's excessive, you have told him so and even then he's trying to both override your boundaries AND has taken things further by publically tagging you and mentioning your daughter's full name when explicitly told not to.

No more Mrs NiceAdikia.

Er yes one poster did say dont tell her husband. Oywatchudoing last night.

Ouwatchyoudoing didn't say don't tell your husband. She said don't involve your husband, which was in response to someone saying hey the husband to confront the stalker.

There's no reason why OP can't handle this herself ( as she is going by taking to a PCSO).

*grt the husband, not hey

*get. Sigh.

To me it reads like Oywotchadoin is responding to the post above that says to get the husband to call as they state about it getting skewed.

Like cant said, oywotch said don’t involve your husband, not don’t tell him. And she stated don’t involve him for the exact same reasons the rest of us are concerned about the OP involving him - that this man will think the DH is the one driving this rather than the OP genuinely wanting to cut contact.

I also said maybe don’t discuss with husband in case he himself reacted badly. But that was a very early post before a lot more information came out. I would definitely not say that now and OP has rightly discussed it with him.

To clarify, I was responding to the post that said get your husband to see him off. That’s a crap idea. Tell him everything but don’t make him the fall guy.

Oywotchadoin don't worry, I understood your post and agree with you.