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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not told DC about DB's "girlfriend"

196 replies

FloraKnight · 26/12/2017 17:54

DB and BIL are polygamous and have been with a woman for about 5 years now. I've only met her a handful of times because they live quite far away, kids had never met her before Christmas Eve. I had never told them about her because I didn't know she was coming and when they asked I just said she was their friend.

Just had a big ranting phone call from DB about how I should have told them she was their partner and it was really disrespectful to say she was just their friend and she was really upset and I should apologise. Was I unreasonable to say she was just their friend? I didn't think they were even that serious.

OP posts:
dinosaursandtea · 26/12/2017 17:56

Now that you know, will you tell your DC?

dinosaursandtea · 26/12/2017 17:56

But also - it’s five years. Clearly they’re serious! YABU.

TooManyPaws · 26/12/2017 17:58

How old are the children and would they understand the situation anyway? Is BIL understood to be DB's partner/husband so they would be confused? Depending on the age of your children, I'm not sure I'd want to start explaining polyamory if they'd never met her before. Did they even know she existed?

PinkAvocado · 26/12/2017 18:00

YANBU. I wouldn’t want to be explaining polygamy to a child either.

BaldricksTrousers · 26/12/2017 18:04

YANBU. Unlike being gay and etx, being polygamous is very much a lifestyle choice, and you're not under any obligation to normalise it. Be kind, be civil, be decent, but if you don't want to have that conversation with your kids then don't.

KC225 · 26/12/2017 18:10

She turns unannounced, you host her and she is upset because you were not 'prepared' to explain their relationship to your children. Your brother gives you a row on Boxing Day and wants an apology, goodness, I think you mean they are Polygadramatists.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 26/12/2017 18:11

YADNU.

stitchglitched · 26/12/2017 18:13

YANBU. I wouldn't be explaining their set up to children either. Your DB sounds like a pain in the arse.

momjeansep · 26/12/2017 18:13

Yanbu

Butterymuffin · 26/12/2017 18:15

YANBU. They don't get to dictate how you explain people's personal relationships to your kids.

Gemini69 · 26/12/2017 18:16

Tell them all 3 of them to PISS OFF... and you apologise to nobody... how bloody dare treat you like this at Christmas... Flowers

Gemini69 · 26/12/2017 18:17

p.s. I'm still bloody confused.... as to what they are Xmas Hmm

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/12/2017 18:20

I wouldn’t be telling dd (9). I take it he isn’t a father. And even if he were, he doesn’t get to decide what you do and don’t tell your children.

Original poster
FloraKnight · 26/12/2017 18:21

DC are 8 and 10. They've known BIL their whole lives, and call him uncle so I think it'd really confuse them as to what was going on with her. They were hosting, we're only just back, and really I'm too tired to deal with him right now. DB is very dramatic about everything, she didn't look bothered in the slightest at the time so I doubt she was that upset, if at all.

OP posts:
dinosaursandtea · 26/12/2017 18:21

Your DB has been with someone for five years - it was totally inappropriate for you not to introduce her as a partner/girlfriend!

jainaproudm · 26/12/2017 18:22

If it's been 5 years, I'd probably just have introduced as a girlfriend with no fuss. Kids are pretty accepting and it's not like they're doing something disgusting or bad, just... having relationships. Now he WAS being unreasonable to bring her without asking!

Gemini69 · 26/12/2017 18:22

they all sounds very ME ME ME ME oooh and more about ME Xmas Hmm

enjoy your evening OP Xmas Grin

feral · 26/12/2017 18:28

I think YABU as if they were hosting why is it a shock that she's there?

Also, five years, that indicates she's there to stay. Polyamory is unusual but not unheard of. I'd be telling the kids the truth as otherwise you're making it a dirty secret.

RestingGrinchFace · 26/12/2017 18:29

YANBU. PP have noted that they were together for five years so somehow it must be serious. I have known people in FWB situations for longer than that, most definitely not boyfriend and girlfriend. If even you-an adult can't exactly figure out what the set up is I would only assume that the three of them aren't serious enough to have made an effort with family which is what you would typically find from a girlfriend of five years. Just forget about it. If your brother wants an explanation just make it clear that he hadn't made clear to you what she was to him so you erred on the side of caution.

velouria · 26/12/2017 18:30

Oh ffs how self centred is your DB? As if your kids could give a shiny shite about the intricacies of his love life, even if you had explained the polyamorous nature of the relationship I would imagine they would have been [shrug] can I have a biscuit.

Floralnomad · 26/12/2017 18:30

I would have told the children purely because younger children in particular just accept ‘odd’ relationship set ups generally without asking too many questions and without things being awkward . Growing up I had a great aunt who lived with her husband and her boyfriend , we never found it awkward at all it was just their normal .

MiltonTheChristmasCockroach · 26/12/2017 18:31

Your DB has been with someone for five years - it was totally inappropriate for you not to introduce her as a partner/girlfriend!

The point is that the OP would then have to add "... and she's BIL's girlfriend too" then explain the difference between polyamory and cheating at a time that was not of her choosing.

LynetteScavo · 26/12/2017 18:33

Am I the only one not keeping up here?

Your brother and his male partner are in a relationship, and also they are both in a relationship with the same woman?

brizzledrizzle · 26/12/2017 18:35

The press are going to love this thread.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 26/12/2017 18:36

I’m confused, your brother is in a relationship with a man and also a woman? But the dc know about him being in a relationship with a man. So they know about gay relationships what’s the difference in knowing about polygamy?