To have not told DC about DB's "girlfriend"

[FloraKnight]

DB and BIL are polygamous and have been with a woman for about 5 years now. I've only met her a handful of times because they live quite far away, kids had never met her before Christmas Eve. I had never told them about her because I didn't know she was coming and when they asked I just said she was their friend.

Just had a big ranting phone call from DB about how I should have told them she was their partner and it was really disrespectful to say she was just their friend and she was really upset and I should apologise. Was I unreasonable to say she was just their friend? I didn't think they were even that serious.

Well I have an 11 year old and a 9 year old and I would have no idea how to explain this sort of set up to them. Tbh I don't know if they would understand homosexual relationships. When I tried to explain what a transvestite (not sure if there is a more PC term for a man who sometimes dresses as a woman but doesn't take hormones or have surgery, apologies if there is) was to my then 6 year old ds1 he thought it was a job and he said he'd like to be one when he was a grown up!

PC.....PV, as in Pretty Revolting' isn't far wrong either.

ywnbu to not explain it at short notice, I would much prefer to explain in advance, where I can take time to answer any questions.

My cousin is polygamous and has been with both his partners since I was a child, my mum has always referred to them as cousins flat mates, they've been together nearly 20 years now and its still 'cousins flat mates' where as other cousin has had several boyfriends in that time. It did affect how I treated them til I was old enough to work it out for myself and even then I felt a bit weird about it all coz it felt like a dirty secret. I'm pretty sure its what ruined mum and cousins relationship, and they used to be very close (he was fostered by my mum) so I think you do need to explain to your DC.

StickThatInYourPipe There are two bi-sexual men living together and now they have a woman living with them. Why do little children need to know she is not just their friend but something more? I don’t know about you but when I was little I would not have understood why or how she could be anything other than a friend. Is she supposed to tell the little children they all share a bed, all three of them? Why is that necessary?

When my grandson, aged 6 at the time, asked me what a 'tranny' was, I just explained that it was a man that wished he was a woman and so liked to dress up in women's clothes and put make-up on. Like a hobby. Now he just thinks they are like pantomime dames, bless.

When my grandson, aged 6 at the time, asked me what a 'tranny' was
You do realise that’s a slur, would you want him saying ‘faggot’?

@elliejjtiny why would children not understand a homosexual relationship? It is hardly a complicated concept

JAPAB my son at that age would have asked questions about why the man has two ‘partners' as you lot like to say now. Thank-fuck I grew up in an era when we had husbands and wives and not multiple ‘partners’ living together, sharing beds and then demanding parents tell their little children they are. I see now where they are selling fake penis’s for little girls to wear so that their parents can turn into little boys.

Telling the children the woman is a FREIND is good enough.

You said you weren't sure if she was coming, does that mean that she doesn't live with them?

If the three of them have a equitable relationship, all live together and will likely be seen together in future, then I'd want to explain it to my dc. But in advance, having thought a bit about what to say, and giving time for them to ask questions before we visited.

If it's a marriage with the third partner being a 'side' partner - living separately, less close and permanent, unlikely to attend family gatherings regularly - then I'd actually rather not have that conversation with my kids until they were older and more emotionally mature.

I have a polyamorous friend and it's an interesting philosophy, she explained it to me and I can certainly see the logic behind it, but I think there's more to it than just saying "some people love two people, isn't that great that they're happy". Those I've spoken to arrived at polyamory after lots of thinking and soul searching, it's not like a gay/ bisexual person who is that identity, it was a choice they made as fir them the pros outweighed the cons. I'd worry that a child who wasn't emotionally mature might draw the wrong conclusions from a hasty explanation. Maybe I'm not explaining myself very well. I'd rather have that conversation when my dc was mature enough to understand somewhat, rather than just be told stuff and nod, but actually feel confused.

Obviously if the polyamorous relationship is a long term committed triangle and they were going to meet both partners regularly then I'd explain sooner, but from your OP it sounds like a marriage between the two men and a secondary less committed third person.

I don't think either of you ABU really, you were put on the spot and chose the easier option than suddenly having to work out how to explain poly relationships to your kids when you hadn't expected to have to, and your brother is upset that one of his partners seemed to be downgraded.

So just a misunderstanding really - can't you say to DB that you'd like to properly work out how to explain to the kids and that you'll do so before you next see them?

Even the way you've titled it "girlfriend". She's not their "girlfriend" she's their girlfriend. And you were in their house. YWBU.

The OP knows that her brother and his husband have been in a relationship with their girlfriend/partner for the past five years (and says that the relationship predated their marriage). It's not her brother's first polamorous relationship so she's presumably had a while to reconcile herself both to his bisexuality and non monogamy.

It does sound as if the OP is uncomfortable with the relationship as she hasn't mentioned Mary-Sue's existence to her children and didn't ask her brother if she would be there at Christmas. Surely even if they weren't all living in the same house it would be highly likely for Mary-Sue to be there and so meet the OP's children. It seems like she was just hoping Mary-Sue wouldn't be there and so wouldn't have to be acknowledged.

Her children aren't tiny innocents, I'm sure they can cope with being told that 'Mary-Sue' is Uncle Bob and Joe's girlfriend/partner. A simple explanation would be that Uncle Bob and Uncle Joe live with/love Mary Sue too. No requirement to talk about sex at all.

The OP wasn't put on the spot. She could have told her kids about Mary-Sue years ago if she had wanted to. Or at least on the drive over to their place.

Why? If her brother decides he wants to be in a BDSM master/slave relationship just she have to tolerate him coming around done up in leathers leading someone around on a dog lead? How about if he decides he wants to have six subservient wives? Does the OP have to tolerate that and explain it all to her kids?

If she wants to go to his house then yes.

My house, my rules, as regards my relationships, clothes, morals. If you and your dc eat at my table you accept my partners and my proclivities. Otherwise just don't come.

I'm with LynetteScavo. I understand that the OP's brother is in a relationship with a man. Fine, I could tell my children that. But the two of them are also in a polyamorous relationship with a woman?!

I wouldn't bother trying to describe that self indulgent storm to my children. And I'm a single parent, so there'd be people who'd disapprove of me, I know. I shouldn't judge but I'd find myself hesitating to describe that setup with a straight face.

Why ? What’s so difficult to understand about someone loving more than one person ?

You were doing what parents do with kids and your label was age appropriate. I do understand you should be respectful of their setup if you are visiting them, but your DB hid the fact that she even lives with them now from you and it was probably obvious to the girlfriend that you didn't know that.

Sounds to me like transference. She feels left out and less of an equal in the relationship, which is why she was hurt by you calling her a friend when she's a co-habitee of both of them and supposedly a fully fledged partner in their relationship.

In reality, she IS the lesser partner - they are married to each other, have certain rights and tax advantages of that and it's a relationship recognised in law, whereas her relationship with either man is not legally recognised. And she found out over Christmas that your DB also played down her relationship with them to his family. And like a lot of blokes might do, he's seized on a certain part of minutiae of the argument - which is how his sister addressed him, rather than, I suspect, her overall hurt that they do not include her in their lives as much as each other and hes promptly transferred the blame to you. Chances are it's only part of a bigger row brewing between them.

Don't get dragged into the potential drama. I would reply pointing out that a) your DB never mentioned a live-in girlfriend, so you were caught on the hop by the DC when asked, and b) responded diplomatically, rather than from any personal views he thinks you have.

Sounds to me like transference. She feels left out and less of an equal in the relationship, which is why she was hurt by you calling her a friend when she's a co-habitee of both of them and supposedly a fully fledged partner in their relationship.

Exactly Calamity and rather than dealing with this inequality in their relationship (because they can't, it's never going to be equal) they're just blaming the OP for using the wrong words rather than facing up to the fact it's never going to work.

her brother decides he wants to be in a BDSM master/slave relationship just she have to tolerate him coming around done up in leathers leading someone around on a dog lead? How about if he decides he wants to have six subservient wives? Does the OP have to tolerate that and explain it all to her kids?

The OP doesn't have to explaine anything to her kids (although it would be great if more people had a handle on the difference between sex and a relationship) but if she wants a relationship with her brother she has to acknowledge his life/relationships.

Of course she can ignore how he chooses to live but that comes with the implication that she feels there is something wrong with his domestic set up, (in the same way that you're implying that her brother is but a short step from fornicating in front of her kids) that this something that her children should be ''protected from" but she can't expect him to have her is his life if she feels that way about him.

Her choice is to accept his life as it is and demonstrate that acceptance by acknowledging it to her children, or to have nothing more to do with him.

...they're just blaming the OP for using the wrong words rather than facing up to the fact it's never going to work.

It seems to have worked just dandy for the last five years and I'm sure we all know of more conventional setups that haven't lasted that long.

I think DB is being over dramatic and should calm down. He's married to someone and it's very reasonable to call the third party a friend, especially to a nine year old child. I would be telling them that I will explain stuff to my child however I effing want to.

I have to smile at those 'right on'people who are saying people are entitled to love who they want and it really isn't difficult to explain to children then cue three pages of fairly liberal minded MNs trying to work the relationship out. TBH it is a bit of an unusual scenario really isn't it? There is no point us pretending that it hasn't taken us more than a moment to get our heads around it. Man loves man, gets married. OK. Men are bisexual, but love one another. Ok. Men have sex with each other and women. OK? Why get married? Men have sex with each other and the same woman, who they both happen to love??
I wouldn't worry OP, however you introduced her would have been wrong, you said friend, not girlfriend, or girlfriend not partner, or oartner and not lover, or you said she was his partner and not their partner. Some situations are beyond written rules.!!

People these days want validation and it's always at the expense of others. This third party must be so insecure to be affected so badly by a mother dealing with a question from her own nine year old child. Where will it all end!?

Just tell your DB the truth op : you didn't know she lived there, you didn't know she'd be there, and you panicked and introduced her incorrectly to your DC because you thought introducing her as a partner would've given rise to all sorts of awkward kid-questions that you'd rather answer sensitively at home.

Only an attention-seeking dick wouldn't be able to see that you didn't intend to upset or disapprove of anyone.

Maybe you can ask DB to write you out a list of how to bring your child up throughout life, then you can stop using your own mind and DO AS YOU ARE TOLD!
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