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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have not told DC about DB's "girlfriend"

196 replies

FloraKnight · 26/12/2017 17:54

DB and BIL are polygamous and have been with a woman for about 5 years now. I've only met her a handful of times because they live quite far away, kids had never met her before Christmas Eve. I had never told them about her because I didn't know she was coming and when they asked I just said she was their friend.

Just had a big ranting phone call from DB about how I should have told them she was their partner and it was really disrespectful to say she was just their friend and she was really upset and I should apologise. Was I unreasonable to say she was just their friend? I didn't think they were even that serious.

OP posts:

southboundagain · 26/12/2017 19:50

"When they married, did they not promise to be exclusively with each other? (Struggling to remember what marriage vows actually contain)."

Whatever you want them to contain. If you know you're polyamorous you're not going to include "forsaking all others". And even if they did say that, god knows I know enough straight people who've ignored the bit about sickness and health, or til death do us part.

dinosaursandtea · 26/12/2017 19:50

If I was your DB, I’d be going NC with you pretty sharp-ish.

Albertschair · 26/12/2017 19:51

Gemini you talk ahead of time to prevent hurt.

Presumably op loves him as they are spending Christmas together. So you talk to him. If you really can't find the words to explain to your children, you need to find the words to talk to your brother. Explain you aren't ready to explain to your children about polyamory, but you love him and are glad he is happy. Ask him if he minds another year of calling her they're friend.
And if you calling their girlfriend their friend only hurts them too much you are sorry but you won't be coming, because you don't want to hurt them.

I spent many years as my (now) wife's friend. But after 5 I expected people to have worked out their own issues. And wouldn't want people in our home who couldn't cope with it.

EleanorXx · 26/12/2017 19:52

Can you imagine your kids coming home and saying they're in a relationship with 17 different kids in their class at School?! hmm
Not the same thing at all

kmc1111 · 26/12/2017 19:52

I don't understand the problem honestly. Just call her what she is, DB and BIL's partner, and explain that some people gave more than one partner. Easy. There's no reason it has to be a whole thing.

Give your children some credit. They really aren't going to be eternally confused and warped by learning that some people live unconventional lives.

StickThatInYourPipe · 26/12/2017 19:53

Gemini69

Why not? That’s what she is! No further explanation is really required, the children probably wouldn’t ask for further clarification and if they do, surely you just say ‘they all love each other’ and leave it at that?

I’m sorry but you don’t go into someone’s home and then downgrade the relationship status of the people who are hosting. She’s been his gf for 5 years fgs! If you don’t want that conversation, you go there. It’s really not out of the realms of possibility that his gf of 5 years will be there tooo.

StickThatInYourPipe · 26/12/2017 19:55

you don’t go there sorry

Chattymummyhere · 26/12/2017 19:58

But having more than one partner that is acceptable isn’t the norm and be will result in lots of questions from a young child. Which don’t need to happen on Christmas Day.

The op would have to explain how normally it’s two people in a relationship and having a third is morally wrong but in certain relationships three or four or five is ok but only if everyone knows. Depending on the ages of the children this is going to open a whole can of worms of well who is married to who? Who lives with who? Who sleeps where(purely sleeps)? Who loves who more? So uncle Y isn’t gay? Then onto what bisexual is etc. None of this needs to be done on Christmas Day.

JAPAB · 26/12/2017 19:59

A person is free to either have a moral problem with same-sex relationships, or to not want to have to explain them to their children.

But would it still not be disrespectful and inaccurate to introduce someone's same-sex partner as their friend.

Toffeelatteplease · 26/12/2017 20:01

Do you think by now explaining it you're protecting your children or that somehow the makes it not true?

All your teaching them it that if you don't approve of something you won't talk to them about it.

What happens when it's their behaviour you don't Approve but your the one person they really need to talk to about it.

Learning to explain including whats right and wrong or the pros/cons about something without judgement, is one of the most important things you can do as a parent

Albertschair · 26/12/2017 20:01

agreed chattymum. It should have happened at some point in the last 5 years before going to their house.

Op says this isn't the first time he's done this (presumably meaning not their first girlfriend rather than not the first time he's been upset by her being downgraded to a friend).

Albertschair · 26/12/2017 20:02

Toffeelatte completely agree with you

StickThatInYourPipe · 26/12/2017 20:03

A person is free to either have a moral problem with same-sex relationships, or to not want to have to explain them to their children

Absolutely but don’t then go round to their house and expect to have them host you but not have them considered as part of their family.

But would it still not be disrespectful and inaccurate to introduce someone's same-sex partner as their friend

Yes actually it is very disrespectful to introduce someone’s same sex partner as a ‘friend’.

Armychef30 · 26/12/2017 20:03

I myself am in a polygamous relationship myself and my married partners have been together for 2 years and we have 7 children between us all our families know about each other but my youngest 2 children are 8 and 10 and do not know our relationship they just think we are very close friends they are not at an age where they are old enough to understand but the other 5 children age 16-23 are aware of our relationship now and are comfortable with the situation

Gemini69 · 26/12/2017 20:04

A person is free to either have a moral problem with same-sex relationships, or to not want to have to explain them to their children.
But would it still not be disrespectful and inaccurate to introduce someone's same-sex partner as their friend

this I agree with..

StickThatInYourPipe · 26/12/2017 20:04

Do you think by now explaining it you're protecting your children or that somehow the makes it not true?

All your teaching them it that if you don't approve of something you won't talk to them about it

What happens when it's their behaviour you don't Approve but your the one person they really need to talk to about it

Learning to explain including whats right and wrong or the pros/cons about something without judgement, is one of the most important things you can do as a parent

Agree with this 100%

Original poster

FloraKnight · 26/12/2017 20:04

I didn't know she lived there when we went, but she does. In all honesty, DB and I aren't close at all, it's the first time I've seen him in well over a year, but we both wanted to try and be a bit closer and obviously it didn't go well. I didn't quite realise how much I didn't know about their relationship until I got there.

I can't remember what their vows were but I don't imagine they would have had 'forsake all others' since they were in a relationship with her at the time.

OP posts:

Uptheduffy · 26/12/2017 20:05

I wouldn’t want to explain an open relationship to my dc either. I don’t see that the gf can live there as OP says she wasn’t expecting her to be there. I have referred to a friend’s dp as her friend. Often you haven’t planned in advance what you’ll say.

Uptheduffy · 26/12/2017 20:07

X post with OP. Really the hosts should introduce everyone to the children, which would have solved the problem!

Branleuse · 26/12/2017 20:07

i dont think it would have been that difficult to find an age appropriate way to say it. They probably wouldnt bat an eyelid.

I wouldnt be impressed with being told off about getting it wrong though

Armychef30 · 26/12/2017 20:07

Polyamourous not polygamous damp auto type sorry

NotACleverName · 26/12/2017 20:09

Can you imagine your kids coming home and saying they're in a relationship with 17 different kids in their class at School?!

Oh, don't be so ridiculous. Explaining [or not] polyamory to a child doesn't mean they're going to start dating a football team.

Fishfingersandwichnocheese · 26/12/2017 20:09

It’s not an open relationship. It’s a committed one just with 3 people not 2.

troodiedoo · 26/12/2017 20:10

YANBU. Bloody hell.

Butterymuffin · 26/12/2017 20:10

I think if you haven't seen him for ages and know little about his life, it's a bit rich of him to expect you to explain it all to kids who don't know him that well. Feels more like making a point than him actually caring about how your kids make sense of it all.

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