Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not told DC about DB's "girlfriend"

196 replies

FloraKnight · 26/12/2017 17:54

DB and BIL are polygamous and have been with a woman for about 5 years now. I've only met her a handful of times because they live quite far away, kids had never met her before Christmas Eve. I had never told them about her because I didn't know she was coming and when they asked I just said she was their friend.

Just had a big ranting phone call from DB about how I should have told them she was their partner and it was really disrespectful to say she was just their friend and she was really upset and I should apologise. Was I unreasonable to say she was just their friend? I didn't think they were even that serious.

OP posts:
Snowman41 · 26/12/2017 18:37

Your DB has been with someone for five years - it was totally inappropriate for you not to introduce her as a partner/girlfriend!

But the kids see the BIL as being his partner.. don't you see how it would be confusing to people?

SoupDragon · 26/12/2017 18:38

The point is that the OP would then have to add "... and she's BIL's girlfriend too" then explain the difference between polyamory and cheating at a time that was not of her choosing.

I doubt she would have had to explain it in any great detail. Just a straightforward and matter of fact "she is their girlfriend" would suffice.

Snowman41 · 26/12/2017 18:38

So they know about gay relationships what’s the difference in knowing about polygamy?

I think choice. Nobody chooses to be gay. People choose to have more than one partner.

MiltonTheChristmasCockroach · 26/12/2017 18:38

I think the brother and the brother-in-law are just shagging the female in this triangle.

It would be seriously weird to have your brother and BIL banging each other.

BattleCunt · 26/12/2017 18:38

Oh no! A non conventional relationship, it’s the end of the world!

Five years is an established relationship though, so if your kids ask about her then I’d be honest about it, but just tell them that sometimes relationships aren’t the same for other people. It was unfair for your brother to potentially put the onus on you for explaining how it works though. If he was going to get upset about her being referred to as a friend, he should probably have done the explaining himself. Kids can’t learn about stuff without proper explanation. It doesn’t need to be a seedy explanation either, just that some people love and form relationships in different ways. I think he’s being a bit precious to be fair, but there’s no need to be alarmist about it on your side either. Different isn’t the same as abhorrent.

MiltonTheChristmasCockroach · 26/12/2017 18:40

Oh.

Just realised BIL is probably the brother's husband.

Snowman41 · 26/12/2017 18:40

It would be seriously weird to have your brother and BIL banging each other.

WTF!? The BIL is the BIL because he is in a relationship with the OP's DBConfused

LuluJakey1 · 26/12/2017 18:42

I don't understand.
DB is your brother.
BIL - is this his partner?
Woman- is she involved with both of them?

Papergirl1968 · 26/12/2017 18:42

I don’t want to offend but I’m genuinely confused. So DB is in a gay relationship with another man, who you refer to as BIL. Ok, I get that. But DB and BILhave also been in a relationship with a woman for five years? So there’re a threesome?

Papergirl1968 · 26/12/2017 18:43

Cross post with Lulu

MiltonTheChristmasCockroach · 26/12/2017 18:43

Yes Snowman I realised that a bit late but see my post above yours.

I thought the BIL was married to OP's sister and they had a polygamous relationship.

Took a while for the penny to drop!

WeeMadArthur · 26/12/2017 18:43

At their age I think you were perfectly reasonable, it would have been different if you had said they were teenagers.

LuluJakey1 · 26/12/2017 18:44

Or is BIL your husband's brother? Or sister's huband? And involved in a relationship with the woman?

SilverOnToast · 26/12/2017 18:44

“In relationships, most people love one person, but sometimes they love more than one person. When there are more than two people in a relationship, we call it polygamy, like with DB and his partners. It’s not that common, but isn’t it great that they’ve all found people that they love and care about?!”

Job done.

mydietstartsmonday · 26/12/2017 18:45

I would have done the same. They are too young to understand the dynamics of this arrangement. What they do in their lives is up to them, your job is to bring up your children as best you can. You are teaching them the importance of a loving relationships heterosexual or homosexual.

So out of interest do the boys fuck each other and then her, do they do it at the same time so it’s a threesome or are they mutually exclusive relationships. Just curious, no judgement, but then I wouldn’t be explaining the arrangement to my 8 and 10 yr old so maybe I am a polyphobic.

Firesuit · 26/12/2017 18:45

WTF!? The BIL is the BIL because he is in a relationship with the OP's DB

I'm another who was thinking it was odd that both her brother and her husbands brother were shagging the same woman. What a coincidence!

chestylarue52 · 26/12/2017 18:46

@MiltonTheChristmasCockroach

I assume there's been plenty of times op could have chosen in 5 years to explain that there are 3 people in their uncles relationship?

You could say that about gay couples too - I shouldn't have to explain to my children about non heterosexual relationships at Xmas if I don't want to.

I can see why your db was upset. What if he wanted to give his gf a kiss in front of your kids? Why should she feel like a lesser partner or friend in her partners home at Christmas?

velourvoyageur · 26/12/2017 18:46

BIL is vv unreasonable to rant at you.

But if he had just the one partner, they weren't married and you introduced them as a 'friend', I somehow doubt he'd have thrown a paddy, as it's fairly normal to do that with kids. I guess he must just be feeling entitled to be upset because there is a lot of judgement wrt non-monogamy and people often feel free expressing this without tempering it like they might if they indeed did have prejudice against e.g. gay couples. You didn't do this because you would automatically introduce any unmarried partner of his as a 'friend', but precisely because she's the 'third party' in their relationship, no? I don't think it has to be an issue that you wouldn't introduce her as she is, but I don't either think you have a leg to stand on re: not wanting to 'confuse' the kids. It would do them no harm to know, and does come across like you totally disapprove of their relationship and don't want to contaminate them with knowledge that people can live this way. She isn't a friend, is she? She is both the girlfriend of your DB and the girlfriend of your SIL. So it's just not the truth, what you're telling them, and our default tends to be to simply tell the truth - so to override this default, you have to have some sort of motive, and in your case it would appear to be disapproval. If that's not the case, hopefully your DB would be calm enough to listen to your explanation.
But at the same time, like I said, he's being extraordinarily rude ranting at you about it. You can be upset and polite at the same time. You haven't done anyone some huge injustice. This craze for feeling entitled to 'validation' by others is exaggerated.

Original poster
FloraKnight · 26/12/2017 18:48

Lulu DB is bisexual, as presumably is BIL, they are married, and yes, they've also been in a relationship for five years with this woman. Its not the first time they've done this.

OP posts:
chestylarue52 · 26/12/2017 18:48

So out of interest do the boys fuck each other and then her, do they do it at the same time so it’s a threesome or are they mutually exclusive relationships. Just curious, no judgement, but then I wouldn’t be explaining the arrangement to my 8 and 10 yr old so maybe I am a polyphonic

Out of interest do you demand to know about your friends or relatives sex lives before you take your children to their houses? So you can explain it to them?

TinselTwat · 26/12/2017 18:49

YADNBU I wouldn't have explained either. If they want to explain it to your DC they can crack on, but it's not fair to put it on to you.

Fishfingersandwichnocheese · 26/12/2017 18:51

I’ve no idea what the issue is.

DB and BIL love rah other and they also both love X and X loves them so they all live together just like me and your dad. Confused

That’s is surely ? If they can understand a gay couple they can understand this.

GeorgeTheHamster · 26/12/2017 18:53

Presumably the gay couple live together as a couple andthegirlfriend Iives elsewhere? I wouldn't be explaining that to young kids. And if they all live together I'd introduce her as a friend. Bollocks to their relationship choices. Young children shouldn't be used to validate what they do. And you don't have to approve.

FlyingElbows · 26/12/2017 18:57

Tbh I'd be more concerned about their outrageous belief that they should take priority over your assessment of what's best for your children. Anyone who thinks explaining polygamy to young children trumps their mother's choice not to needs to give their head a wobble. It's all very me me me.

Humpsfor20yards · 26/12/2017 18:58

I think it's weird to insist people tell other people especially children the exact nature of their relationship.