To have not told DC about DB's "girlfriend"

[FloraKnight]

DB and BIL are polygamous and have been with a woman for about 5 years now. I've only met her a handful of times because they live quite far away, kids had never met her before Christmas Eve. I had never told them about her because I didn't know she was coming and when they asked I just said she was their friend.

Just had a big ranting phone call from DB about how I should have told them she was their partner and it was really disrespectful to say she was just their friend and she was really upset and I should apologise. Was I unreasonable to say she was just their friend? I didn't think they were even that serious.

What is so wrong with lovin more than one person in a committed relationship ?

The state doesn’t seem to place much weight on such relationships, since it doesn’t allow polyamorous relationships to be formally recognised by way of marriage/civil partnerships.

I don’t know about you but when I was little I would not have understood why or how she could be anything other than a friend

Why not?

Wait until the kids work it out for themselves, they can ask your DB & BIL any questions, I’m not sure how interested your DCs will actually be or care.

The state doesn’t seem to place much weight on such relationships, since it doesn’t allow polyamorous relationships to be formally recognised by way of marriage/civil partnerships.

And ? We’ve only recently allowed gay marriage. We are hardly progressive.

The state also doesn’t give a lot of recognition to co habiting unmarried couple. Yet many people have no problem with those and until relatively recently they were thought of as immoral and unacceptable too.

Of course she can ignore how he chooses to live but that comes with the implication that she feels there is something wrong with his domestic set up, (in the same way that you're implying that her brother is but a short step from fornicating in front of her kids) that this something that her children should be ''protected from"

I certainly do agree that this is something to be protected from.

There are damn good reasons why the states where women are the most equal have monogamous marriage laws. That's because women's property right and interests are best protected from the inequality motherhood brings by being protected in that way.

I'm the mother of boys. I am certainly not going to teach them that women are some sort of sexy little adjunct to their relationships who deserve no legal protection or rights. They won't be told about relationships like this until they are old enough to understand the arguments against them rather than a simplistic age appropriate version

It's no different to the exploitative nature of relationships with two wives.

Just because it's two gay men means a lot of MNers are falling over themselves to be right on and say how great it is.

It's not great, it's two exploitative men who are besides themselves with glee they've found an idiot who will lie flat on her back for them and pretend they're in an equal relationship when actually they're exploiting her while keeping a firm hand on their own assets.

And ? We’ve only recently allowed gay marriage. We are hardly progressive.

But it has allowed gay marriage. Perhaps I’ve missed it, but I’ve yet to see or hear of any kind of serious campaigning for polygamous marriages in the UK.

The state also doesn’t give a lot of recognition to co habiting unmarried couple.

They have the option to get married. Polyamorous couples don’t.

Your brother and his husband/girlfriend can live how they want of course. I'm not sure what the point of explaining everyone's relationship would be since children ime are more interested in how the person interacts with them than other people. Was she nice?

Maybe you should have introduced her as their girlfriend. But if she was genuinely offended your brother did not have to rant about it. If he's genuinely interested in being closer he might want to think about his communication style. 'lovely to see you but I think gf was a bit offended you referred to her as 'friend' - we have lived together for 5 years you know' would have done it.

Perhaps because it is a small number of people ?

One day in the future you well might see it.

Perhaps because it is a small number of people ?

One day in the future you well might see it.

Perhaps. But it doesn’t mean they’ll get anywhere.

Not all relationships have to be valued or respected or given equal weight.

To you maybe.

Personally I fail to see anything wrong with a loving relationship between consenting adults or why you would attribute less value to it just because there are 3 people not 2 as is YOUR norm.

I’m surprised that people who are otherwise tolerant have such an issue with it.

Only 2 posters have managed to raise any sensible points at all which is the status of the third person in a relationship.

In any case marriage is hardly the defining criteria of a good healthy relationship. People just like to think it is.

To you maybe.

Well no, not just to me. There are types of relationships that are not respected or valued by society at large, and in some cases, are still illegal, even between consenting adults.

Just because someone supports gay relationships/marriage/equality, doesn’t mean they have to feel comfortable with polyamory et al.

Personally I fail to see anything wrong with a loving relationship between consenting adults or why you would attribute less value to it just because there are 3 people not 2 as is YOUR norm.

You know absolutely nothing about MY views on the subject. I might be fucking enough men and women to fill a Greek army garrison every night of the week for all you know.

I’m simply looking at the way polyamory is viewed by society - and the law - at present. As you say, that may change. But I can’t see it happening in the near future, and I would absolutely take issue with the idea that approval of one form of consenting adult relationship (ie, gay relationships) somehow compels one to buy into any or all other forms.

In any case marriage is hardly the defining criteria of a good healthy relationship. People just like to think it is.

Just as well nobody said it was then, eh?

Where I live (not in UK) we have a religious sect that practices polygyny (one man, many wives). It's highly patriarchal and abusive to all the youth in the community as essentially it's about a small number of high ranking men taking all the available women/girls as wives. There has been a long running attempt to bring cases against the leading men who have fought back by claiming freedom of religion. One of the cases produced a really interesting report which concluded that polygyny was almost always abusive but polyamory was not.

I don't know how it's possible to conclude that this particular arrangement and relationship is abusive as the OP has given very little detail. Structurally the men's relationship is privileged because they were able to get married, but we've no way to tell if the woman wanted to marry them even if she could, and there are ways to compensate for some of the legal issues (ie you can have more than one next of kin and write wills splitting your inheritance although you can't overcome tax issues).

People only get drama if you give them drama.

Nod, smile and carry on with your life. Explaining things to your own kids as you, their parents, see fit.

It's not great, it's two exploitative men who are besides themselves with glee they've found an idiot who will lie flat on her back for them and pretend they're in an equal relationship when actually they're exploiting her while keeping a firm hand on their own assets.

If you're going to assume that every relationship without a legal basis is exploitative and you will therefore refuse to recognise it, do you refuse to recognise the relationships of unmarried, monogamous straight couples? Did you assume that all gay couple were having an exploitative relationship pre 2003? How did you work out which member of the gay couple was being exploited?

Even if we are going to assume that the woman in this relationship is being exploited and I would hope that the OP would mention this if she believed it to be true, how would it improve her situation to pretend that the relationship didn't existed?

If you're going to assume that every relationship without a legal basis is exploitative and you will therefore refuse to recognise it, do you refuse to recognise the relationships of unmarried, monogamous straight couples? Did you assume that all gay couple were having an exploitative relationship pre 2003? How did you work out which member of the gay couple was being exploited?

Absolutely irrelevant. None of those relationships involve a second partner who is legally,financially and socially more privileged than another. It's not the fact that they don't have those privileges at all, it's the fact they've chosen to give the privilege to someone else. So it can never be an equal relationship. It's exploitative.

Meh. When She was your DC1's age my mum was in a very unhealthy polygamous relationship. I didn't care. My friends didn't care. Tell your kids/don't tell your kids.. it really doesn't matter

I wouldn’t try explaining that to my children either. I didn’t explain the two boys who lived together in my cul de sac, when my children were little either, about 15 years ago, as it was quite rare locally..I’m sure it wasn’t nationwide, but two friends living together was all they needed to know..

Why do young children need to know details, it’s just confusing for them..as long as everyone is happy that’s all they need to be aware of.

I guess the only thing to take into account is that by not telling the kids, that sort of means you've lost control over how they do potentially find out - if DB refers to her as his girlfriend, or if they walk in on BiL and GF having a quick kiss in the kitchen over lunch or something.

If she's co-habiting with them, and that continues, the kids will find out, or see something or hear something and get the wrong end of the stick entirely.