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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have not told DC about DB's "girlfriend"

196 replies

FloraKnight · 26/12/2017 17:54

DB and BIL are polygamous and have been with a woman for about 5 years now. I've only met her a handful of times because they live quite far away, kids had never met her before Christmas Eve. I had never told them about her because I didn't know she was coming and when they asked I just said she was their friend.

Just had a big ranting phone call from DB about how I should have told them she was their partner and it was really disrespectful to say she was just their friend and she was really upset and I should apologise. Was I unreasonable to say she was just their friend? I didn't think they were even that serious.

OP posts:

Chattymummyhere · 26/12/2017 20:12

I think the tricky thing as well rather just morally. Thinking in depth only two are protected what if one of the three dies? Only the married one Is protected in a sense the other just doesn’t exist. One husband is enough I couldn’t do with another man in my relationship and I’m two competitive/jealous for another women.

BackforGood · 26/12/2017 20:14

But if he had just the one partner, they weren't married and you introduced them as a 'friend', I somehow doubt he'd have thrown a paddy, as it's fairly normal to do that with kids.

This.
I'd introduce any partner as 'Uncle Fred's friend' on first meeting anyway. You don't need to start explaining to anyone the intricacies of other people's relationships when you are meeting them for the first time or at any time, tbh.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 26/12/2017 20:17

I am shocked, shocked that someone polyamorous has turned out to also be a drama llama. Shocked I say!

Uptheduffy · 26/12/2017 20:17

Fishfingers was that to me? I said I wouldn’t want to explain an open relationship either
And my dc would ask questions the older one has done so when introduced to someone with two dads (fortunately he just asked me) as although very accepting children are also very inquisitive. I suppose I do not ultimately see it as an equal relationship (it’s a married couple + 1, not a triangle) but if it was a brother I loved I would get used to it I’m quite sure - sounds like the OP hasn’t had much chance to since they aren’t close.

Jenala · 26/12/2017 20:18

I think if you haven't seen him for ages and know little about his life, it's a bit rich of him to expect you to explain it all to kids who don't know him that well. Feels more like making a point than him actually caring about how your kids make sense of it all.
^^This

Sounds like he's proud to be oh so progressive and wild and free and different and is someone who keeps an eye out for any type of perceived distaste in order to be the victim. I think you were put on the spot a bit with what to say to your children.

Yanbu, it's entirely up to you what you say to your kids. I tend to want to smooth everything over and would say to him something along the lines of "I didn't think, I just said it to avoid going into things there and then at Christmas. I didn't mean anything by it at all and I'm sorry if you she was upset."

He doesn't care about what your children know, it's some kind of principle for him.

Fishfingersandwichnocheese · 26/12/2017 20:20

Yes. But I had slightly misunderstood and thought you meant it WAS an open relationship.

In the sense that 2 are married but the other is not I can understand that you don’t think of it of as exactly the same as say, a married couple.

However the couple in question seem to view her as their equal and she lives with them so in my mind I’d tend to think of them as equal.

I wouldn’t assume an unmarried couple who live together as being less committed than a married couple in the same circumstances.

Toffeelatteplease · 26/12/2017 20:22

we both wanted to try and be a bit closer and obviously it didn't go well

Never will if you so busy judging your brothers life choices you can't just enjoy his company.

You just introduce her as their girlfriend. You don't need to offer any further explanation beyond everyone's different. That's who she is whether you like or approve.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 26/12/2017 20:24

Fuck that. It's an exploitative relationship. They've done this before and they are married so presumably they are the primary relationship and no matter how they want to dress it up the woman is a bit of fun on the side. I wouldn't like a man turning up at my house with two wives either. No matter how much they want to dress it up and give it fancy names the fact is if one of them ends up in hospital needing emergency treatment she has zero rights, she's not the next of kin, she won't inherit anything. It's exploitative. There is a big imbalance of power in that relationship. Fuck that, I'm not telling my kids that's normal.

Uptheduffy · 26/12/2017 20:28

I still don’t see why brother didn’t bring the family in, say dnephew/dneices you’ve met my husband haven’t you, and this is our gf Mary etc. Did he want the OP to validate the relationship? A simple, I’d prefer it if you explained Mary is our girlfriend not our friend could have sufficed.

ButteredScone · 26/12/2017 20:30

This is all about them making a point and using your children to do it. You can tell your children what you like. His drama is his shit.

It is a shame that he has made Christmas a drama about him. I guess none of them have children and it sounds a bit forced anyway. They sound tiring.

I would be very irritated to have non-parents tell me how to parent. Tell your DB you love him and appreciate the kind Christmas but that you think you'll handle your own kids in your own way and he (and every other fucker) will just have to suck that up.

youarenotkiddingme · 26/12/2017 20:31

I think it also depends on the children.

My ds takes what he sees and doesn't question anything. He's never mentioned my gay friends being sane sex or raised it with their children. He's never commented on skin colour, accents etc if people.

My friends DDs question everything. As much as I have ignored them in the last or told them to be quiet they openly discuss and question anything 'different' relentlessly.
They questioned my ds about his fathers whereabout constantly for years - even though they were asked not too and it upset him.

It's not about opinions on what they are doing - each to their own and all that.

TimesNewRoman · 26/12/2017 20:32

Feels more like making a point than him actually caring about how your kids make sense of it all.

OP, YADNBU. Yeah the kids might just have accepted and not asked any questions. But they might have asked 50 questions, you trip over your words, put your foot in your mouth, all hell breaks loose, on Christmas Day. Not ideal.

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/12/2017 20:32

No matter how much they want to dress it up and give it fancy names the fact is if one of them ends up in hospital needing emergency treatment she has zero rights, she's not the next of kin, she won't inherit anything.

This is the case for all the people who live with someone but aren't legally married, polyamorous or not.

0hCrepe · 26/12/2017 20:32

YABU. Choosing to say friend rather than girlfriend reflects a kind of judgement/disapproval or dismissal of their set up. It’s an unusual concept for children to grasp, but not a difficult one. What’s the worst they’ll do? Ask questions? Tell someone?

AuntLydia · 26/12/2017 20:32

Well you got the impression they weren't that serious from your dB presumably - he only has himself to blame if you went along with it. Perhaps it's a case of misplaced anger? Maybe she was pissed off at him and he's passed it onto you?!

PinkAvocado · 26/12/2017 20:33

I think it is highly unlikely that children that age would have just accepted it with no questions. I would have at least wanted time to consider the answers.

AuntLydia · 26/12/2017 20:34

You don't sound remotely judgemental to me either, you just didn't understand properly that she was someone they wanted to introduce to the kids as an important part of their lives.

youarenotkiddingme · 26/12/2017 20:39

I've just had a thought as well. I don't think I've ever said bf/gf/partner to ds when introducing people face to face.

I just say "this is ".

Ds knows my brother he is his gf. He still can't remember her name and constantly asks - he's crap at names!

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 26/12/2017 20:47

Unreasonable doesn't come into it, if you want to have a relationship of any kind with your brother, you have to be respectful of how he lives his life and acknowledge a five year long relationship.

Your kids won't care.

PerspicaciaTick · 26/12/2017 20:48

Instead of phoning up after the event and bollocking the OP, her brother should have given her the heads up before Christmas that his female partner would be joining them all and that he would appreciate it if the children could be told who she is in advance. That way, no surprises, the Op would have a chance to think about she wants to word the conversation with her children (or, if she is the bigot some people on this thread are trying to portray her as, to decline the invitation completely).

Toffeelatteplease · 26/12/2017 20:58

I had never told them about her because I didn't know she was coming and when they asked I just said she was their friend

OP knew.

Butterymuffin · 26/12/2017 21:15

OP didn't know enough. She didn't know that this was so important to her brother. As Perspicacia says above, he could have given her the heads up in advance. But he didn't, and now he wants to complain after the fact, having given OP no steer on it at all.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 26/12/2017 21:25

This is the case for all the people who live with someone but aren't legally married, polyamorous or not.

That's absolutely irrelevant. If your in a relationship with someone who has a parent or sibling as next of kin that's a totally different thing to having your partner in a sexual relationship with someone else that is legally positioned as a superior, privileged relationship to your own.

No matter how much this woman puts into this relationship, legally she is a non person and has no rights while this mans husband has all of them. It's an unequal exploitative relationship where two members hold all of the power.

I'm not going to teach my kids that's okay just so I can claim to be right on and groovy. Not least because in societies where multiple partner relationships are tolerated it is almost always women who lose out and end up exploited and insecure.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 26/12/2017 21:29

Unreasonable doesn't come into it, if you want to have a relationship of any kind with your brother, you have to be respectful of how he lives his life and acknowledge a five year long relationship.

Why? If her brother decides he wants to be in a BDSM master/slave relationship just she have to tolerate him coming around done up in leathers leading someone around on a dog lead? How about if he decides he wants to have six subservient wives? Does the OP have to tolerate that and explain it all to her kids?

Sometimes, you can say to a family member 'Look, I love you. But you're doing something I can't tolerate telling my kids is normal or okay?'

TheRottweiler · 26/12/2017 21:30

Seedy.

And why on earth does it HAVE to be explained to little children??

Kids have enough PV crap to deal with these days as it is.

This seediness is NOTHING to do with anyone but themselves.

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