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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have not told DC about DB's "girlfriend"

196 replies

FloraKnight · 26/12/2017 17:54

DB and BIL are polygamous and have been with a woman for about 5 years now. I've only met her a handful of times because they live quite far away, kids had never met her before Christmas Eve. I had never told them about her because I didn't know she was coming and when they asked I just said she was their friend.

Just had a big ranting phone call from DB about how I should have told them she was their partner and it was really disrespectful to say she was just their friend and she was really upset and I should apologise. Was I unreasonable to say she was just their friend? I didn't think they were even that serious.

OP posts:
StickThatInYourPipe · 26/12/2017 19:24

Does she live there? If so, I think it’s a bit cheeky going into someone’s home, allowing them to host but then disrespecting their relationship choices.

If you don’t like it, don’t go, then you won’t have to explain anything.

MotherofaSurvivor · 26/12/2017 19:24

Can you imagine your kids coming home and saying they're in a relationship with 17 different kids in their class at School?! Hmm

Fishfingersandwichnocheese · 26/12/2017 19:25

I’m so glad that you are here to define love and relationships for the rest of the 7 Billion odd people on the planet.

It wasn’t that long ago when a non married couple would have been treated with similar distain.

Albertschair · 26/12/2017 19:26

It has been 5 years. You knew you were going to their house. Does she live with them?

You should have spoken to your brother ahead of time. You know your children best, but doesn't strike me as very hard to have an age appropriate conversation. But if you aren't going to, then you don't go to their house and call their partner a friend.

I'd be very upset with you.

Please work out a way to explain things to your children

JediStoleMyBike · 26/12/2017 19:27

They can choose to live how they like. You can choose how to explain it to your kids. YADNBU!

Hotpinkangel19 · 26/12/2017 19:29

Nope, I would not be explaining this to my children! Gay, Trans etc, no problem but not this.

EggysMom · 26/12/2017 19:30

Surely you just explain their household as having two uncles and one auntie? Leave it until the children are older before you start explaining the mechanics of who sleeps with whom (I'd guess they take it in turns, I very much doubt there are three in the bed).

My brother's children grew up in a house with a Dad, Mum, Dad's boyfriend and Mum's boyfriend. Various adults came and went through their lives. The children have grown into some of the most delightful - and accepting - young adults that I have the pleasure to know.

Gemini69 · 26/12/2017 19:31

You should have spoken to your brother ahead of time

Why ? Xmas Hmm

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/12/2017 19:32

I can see why he's hurt. It's a pretty big flashing light that you don't approve of how he lives his life. If he finds it fulfilling, it's going to feel like a kick in the teeth that his sister thinks it's bad.

I don't have a problem with diversity in relationships so long as the people are of equal standing. I've known a few people in polyamorous relationships and they are all pretty decent, kind people. I wouldn't have a problem telling my kids about it and more than I do about gay relationships or welcomed arranged marriages (neither of which suit me either, but each to their own). I have more of a problem explaining why their grandmother does all the work when we visit them while grandad sits on the sofa and watches TV (also a "lifestyle choice").

Hopeful103 · 26/12/2017 19:33

Yanbu, I would not be explaining that type of rubbish to them. Your db and his circus can do one.

Fishfingersandwichnocheese · 26/12/2017 19:34

What is so wrong with lovin more than one person in a committed relationship ?

JAPAB · 26/12/2017 19:34

I can understand someone finding it disrespectful having their partner introduced as a friend.

Would you have introdiced BiL as DB's friend?

Explaining such relationships is no more complicated that explaining same-sex relationships surely? Most people form relationships with one person of the opposite sex, some with one person of the same sex, some with more than one person. Now go and do your homework.

Uptheduffy · 26/12/2017 19:36

Their relationship with the woman is not on a par with the relationship with each other. When they married, did they not promise to be exclusively with each other? (Struggling to remember what marriage vows actually contain). Live and let live but unless seeing them regularly I wouldn’t feel any need to go into details.

Charolais · 26/12/2017 19:38

Dinosaursandtea Bi-sexuality has been going on for thousands of years, not 20-30 years. Two men and a woman living together and having sex is nobodies business but their own, but the problem here is that the OP is being told she must explain all this to her very young children. Nobody has the right to demand that a mother explain other people’s sexual relationships to her children. That is crossing the line.

ButteredScone · 26/12/2017 19:39

You are under no obligation to discuss this with your DC. YANBU.

Obviously, they can live how they like. But they can't make demands of you on the back of it. Who do they think they are to presume what you must tell your children. My DC are the same age as yours and I wouldn't be discussing it.

My friend lives in a ménage a trois and it is a bit of a fucking nuisance to be honest. (No, I don't really want to have 'plus two' when everyone else is bringing plus one, that's an entourage, pick one. Won't pick one? My fault making him choose, etc, you get the picture)

StickThatInYourPipe · 26/12/2017 19:40

To all saying YANBU, do you think it’s acceptable for the OP to still accept invitations to their home and have them host, even though the OP does not agree with her DB’s lifestyle choice?

Seems pretty hypocritical to me

StickThatInYourPipe · 26/12/2017 19:42

Charolais

I think DB is upset about his girlfriend being reffered to as Just a friend instead of his girlfriend or partner.

I don’t think he was expecting the OP to explain anything sexual about the relationship

EleanorXx · 26/12/2017 19:43

Yabu

danadas · 26/12/2017 19:45

Yanbu. I can't get my head round the set up so would have no chance of explaining it to a child. You are respectful of his choices and as such he should be respectful of yours.

Gemini69 · 26/12/2017 19:45

To all saying YANBU, do you think it’s acceptable for the OP to still accept invitations to their home and have them host, even though the OP does not agree with her DB’s lifestyle choice? Seems pretty hypocritical to me

OP has a no point said she disagrees with his lifestyle choices.. she simply does not chose to explain those choices to her Children Xmas Hmm

Batteriesallgone · 26/12/2017 19:45

For me it depends on:

Do they live together? If yes, she should be introduced as another partner in the relationship and as someone else said if you don’t like it don’t go to his house

You said something about this not being the first time? I wouldn’t want to introduce a partner who my kids aren’t likely to meet more than a couple of times. Not sure why exactly but I think because I wouldn’t want them to think she’s a permanent feature and then she’s gone. Might have to think more about it.

If they all live together, this is their longest polyamorous relationship and they intend for it to be lasting I’d introduce her as a partner I think.

I’d have phoned my DB in advance to explain my rationale and check her ‘status’ tbh.

StickThatInYourPipe · 26/12/2017 19:46

Gemini69

If she agreed with it, she would have introduced the girlfriend as a girlfriend or partner. Not just a friend.

JAPAB · 26/12/2017 19:48

but the problem here is that the OP is being told she must explain all this to her very young children. Nobody has the right to demand that a mother explain other people’s sexual relationships to her children. That is crossing the line.

Are the only two options here to inaccurately refer to someone's partner as a friend, or explain sexual relationships? You don't need to go into anything sexual to explain that while most people form relationsips with one person, some do it with more.

CurlsandCurves · 26/12/2017 19:48

If this is the first time your kids have met their girlfriend then it’s a bit full on to be explaining who she is, how this relates to your brother and his DH. They need to get to know her first, as I’m assuming they did with your BIL.

However, if this is a long term relationship your brother needs to be a bit more helpful in advising you on how to explain this to your kids. Expecting you to be able to explain a lifestyle you are not familiar with is not ok, especially if you and he want this to be done in the right way, both for those in the relationship and your children.

Gemini69 · 26/12/2017 19:49

If she agreed with it, she would have introduced the girlfriend as a girlfriend or partner. Not just a friend

No she wouldn't have.. that's not true atall

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