To say New Year is cancelled

[leiaorganashair]

DP and I moved in together under a year ago, so this year is the first we've had to deal with this time of year properly. I don't celebrate Christmas, New Year is a big celebration for my family and so DC and I have always gone home late December to my family. DSC celebrate Christmas. Months ago DP and ex agreed for DSC to spend Christmas with us, they would then go back to his ex and celebrate Christmas with her family on Boxing Day and we would go to my family after they left. Ex then got upset about spending Christmas away from DSC and guilt tripped DP to switch. They agreed DSC would spend Christmas week with ex and then come to us to do Christmas again from New Years Eve. I wasn't happy because it would make it impossible to see my family for New Year, but I agreed for the sake of keeping the peace. This is the first year we have been a blended family and there have been problems since DP moved in with DSC and his ex, so I agreed we could visit my family in the Easter break instead and have a combined New Year Christmas celebration with DSC. His ex called this morning and she expects us to just do Christmas for DSC as they will be upset otherwise. They were talking about it over Christmas and upset they wouldn't get a proper Christmas with their dad this year. I had planned to combine traditions, food etc to keep everyone happy. Christmas dinner on 31st and traditional food from my family's side on the 1st. DSC were visited by Santa at DP's last time they had Christmas with their dad on a different day so we planned to do the same this year. Ex says we can't combine this with staying up for New Year's Eve as Santa comes at midnight. She always does party food Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner Christmas Day, leftovers Boxing Day, so that has to be the same here for them. She says they don't like the kind of food my family have for New Year. She basically wants us to forget mine and DC tradition and just do Christmas the way she would with DSC again.
AIBU to book us last minute flights and leave DP and DSC to it?

I don't think they'll get the choice to do NY at Dad's again, youarenot - I think the OP will avoid that option like the plague after this year's effort!
And who could blame her.

and for you leiaorgana

There is absolutely no way I am doing new year here again. I will happily do a similar joint celebration if that's what they want younger one maybe, older two when hell freezes over but I will be spending New Year itself with my family in Asia next year regardless of whatever DP ex tries to throw at us. DSS is apparently fed up about the food. He's told his mother they were only offered traditional new year breakfast yesterday. He was not. Other more familiar options were available which he ate. He just knows his mother will jump on anything he says. DSD1 does not have a phone thankfully.

DD's dad is a whole other category of useless parent sadly. The only thing he has going for him is that he does at least now pay up on time. DP is more of a fixed father figure for her than him which I do know is probably hard for DSC but that won't change unless her dad gets his act together and I've given up on that.

Arigatō gozaimasu shadow!

I suspect it might be an idea to show the ex that her son is lying to fuel the situation.
Your DP could maybe take photos of the food, and of his son eating food, to send back to the ex when she sends her angry texts.
This situation will escalate out of control if your stepson is allowed to continue his behaviour without check.

DP is worried a contact arrangement would amount to less time than he has them right now. Surely he can still negotiate additional visits with ex while having something set in stone? I am not doing another Christmas like this one.

We are going to keep a record of DSS's complaints and lack of basis for them. The main problem is his phone but taking that away isn't worth trying. And the crap they are fed about me at their mother's but I can't prove that.

Leia, whatever happens in the end, you have been wonderful with those children and gone way beyond. Hope you and dd have a fabulous time in Asia with your family next year (and the dscs will be soooooo jealous when they’re a bit older).

There's no question of the children being ill treated or unsafe. Courts will usually do their best to protect contact with both parents for children, and considering dp already has less than EOW because of circumstances I would think it unlikely he'd end with less contact than now. I think it's more likely that CAFCAS would be more concerned with ex sabotaging the children spending time with him. The one exception may be DSS who at 11 would be old enough for a court to start following his lead as to what contact he did and didn't want. But it doesn't sound as if he doesn't want to see his dad, just that he's angry and upset about the changes in his situation and wants things his way, and that his mother is using him somewhat in trying to control or protest her ex being in a new relationship.

You can get some legal advice and research on this, but keep in mind that even known and prosecuted perpetrators of DV and where there are potential risks to children still get EOW in many cases because the relationship is seen as so important. Courts are keen to prevent breakdowns between parents leading to children losing their contact with a parent.

I've had an idea - that some might think is shit but what about this?

Take lots of photos whilst they visit. Photos when they are out on their own with Dad, photos of meals, eating as extended family, bits about what you did, funny things they said etc. If you use the photo machines you can create books etc. Keep these as record for his children and they also will be useful evidence for him if needed in court.

I'm thinking that at some point the children will settle and they can have happy memories of visits to dads to help them forget this totally negative experience their Mum is encouraging them to have.