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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say New Year is cancelled

207 replies

leiaorganashair · 26/12/2017 12:45

DP and I moved in together under a year ago, so this year is the first we've had to deal with this time of year properly. I don't celebrate Christmas, New Year is a big celebration for my family and so DC and I have always gone home late December to my family. DSC celebrate Christmas. Months ago DP and ex agreed for DSC to spend Christmas with us, they would then go back to his ex and celebrate Christmas with her family on Boxing Day and we would go to my family after they left. Ex then got upset about spending Christmas away from DSC and guilt tripped DP to switch. They agreed DSC would spend Christmas week with ex and then come to us to do Christmas again from New Years Eve. I wasn't happy because it would make it impossible to see my family for New Year, but I agreed for the sake of keeping the peace. This is the first year we have been a blended family and there have been problems since DP moved in with DSC and his ex, so I agreed we could visit my family in the Easter break instead and have a combined New Year Christmas celebration with DSC. His ex called this morning and she expects us to just do Christmas for DSC as they will be upset otherwise. They were talking about it over Christmas and upset they wouldn't get a proper Christmas with their dad this year. I had planned to combine traditions, food etc to keep everyone happy. Christmas dinner on 31st and traditional food from my family's side on the 1st. DSC were visited by Santa at DP's last time they had Christmas with their dad on a different day so we planned to do the same this year. Ex says we can't combine this with staying up for New Year's Eve as Santa comes at midnight. She always does party food Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner Christmas Day, leftovers Boxing Day, so that has to be the same here for them. She says they don't like the kind of food my family have for New Year. She basically wants us to forget mine and DC tradition and just do Christmas the way she would with DSC again.
AIBU to book us last minute flights and leave DP and DSC to it?

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/12/2017 11:04

leia - I think you have done an amazing job of trying to please as many people in as many ways as possible, without completely losing your traditional celebration.

I would hope that your DSC would think it was at the very least interesting to see how other cultural traditions work, but under the circs, doubt it.

However, you and your DD will get your trad family celebration, they will get food they can eat, they will spend time with their father (and, since they're going to be there for a week, I think it wouldn't be a bad plan if you left them to it for at least a day on their own).

Hope it all works out as well as it can for you x

birdlover1977 · 29/12/2017 11:10

It sounds like you are doing everything you can. I hope you all have a wonderful New Year/ second Christmas.

mumofblueeyes · 29/12/2017 11:20

Hope it all goes well x

converseandjeans · 29/12/2017 16:44

I still think the best plan would have been to give the step kids some time alone with their Dad. They have gone from living with their Dad to hardly seeing him.
Then you could have celebrated however you wanted & they could have done the same.
You sound very judgmental of them wanting to do some traditional things with their Dad. They should be able to do their own little family things without fear of being judged.
Equally why should your DD miss out on her cultural heritage? You and DD should be able to eat/celebrate how you like without the step kids moaning.
Kids moan - and something like giving up their room/eating food they don't like is sure to set them off. My kids are really fussy about food (probably my fault) and I would be gutted if they had to visit somewhere where they didn't like the food and weren't offered something more simple.
Again your update is all about your feelings. Are you not able to see things from their POV? They never see Dad, won't have a room, can't do their little traditions, won't be offered food they like. It doesn't sound like a visit they can get excited about. It's not their fault you don't celebrate Christmas. It's not their fault their Dad left them. He needs to carve out time on his own with his kids without you there dictating what they can eat and what they can do.

Jux · 29/12/2017 17:41

Oh fhs, Converse. You seem to have read a completely different post to the one I have read.

Leia, it sounds brilliant. A lot of hard work pleasing a huge number of people. I would love to join you!

Original poster

leiaorganashair · 29/12/2017 18:46

converse how many times.

My cousin's family is here for two days, DSC for a week. The overlap exists purely because their mother insisted upon it. They will have five whole days here without other visitors and they will get plenty of time both alone with DP and with all of us during those five days.

I don't see why we can't all spend time together. I am their stepmother. I am not going to vacate every time they come to stay, we are meant to be blending families. DP came with me to my country last year for New Year and other trips home. We usually go together. It makes no sense to me for the two of us to spend a week on opposite sides of the world purely so the DSC get time alone with their father. That isn't how blending families works.

They will have a turkey roast on the Sunday night. They will have to eat Asian food on the Monday only, I have already said I will provide more britishified versions for them and cousin's children. I will provide them with western cutlery. They will not starve.

The house is decorated for both Christmas and New Year. They will be doing lots of Christmas traditions with their father, but we will also be celebrating New Year.

I completely object to the idea that all food should revolve around a child's likes and dislikes. My DD eats mostly Asian food in my house, when she goes to her dad's she presumably gets a lot of traditional British/Irish food as her Irish stepmother cooks. I would never dream of dictating to her stepmother what she should feed her unless it was a dietary issue.

All the DSS, DSD2 and DD are giving up their room for two nights. That's it. Did you never give up your room for visitors as a child? I did all the time, I survived. Again, that is only happening at all because their mother insisted we rearrange contact. DSC are not getting a rawer deal than anyone else here.

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 29/12/2017 18:52

It's not their fault you don't celebrate Christmas.

They've had Christmas at their mothers house

This is a new year celerbrarion

if you had non believers in your home at Christmas would you sweep it under the carpet and not cetlerbrare? Or would you include guests in some of the Celebrations?

Their mother changed the plans not op - op should celebrate the new year as she normally would and include the children - nothing wrong with that

pinkbraces · 29/12/2017 19:02

Before your DP moved across the country to be with you how often did he see his DC and did he live alone?

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/12/2017 19:10

Ok you’re going to go ahead with the plans.

Your dsc still need some alone time with their dad to address the issues and put them first.

Original poster

leiaorganashair · 29/12/2017 19:12

DP and ex split just over 2 years ago. He moved in with me just under a year ago, he was living alone for roughly a year. He's worked away from home sporadically the 10+ years I've known him, the year he was living alone it was an hour away from ex and DSC for work purposes. He saw DSC every other weekend when living an hour away and ex permitted it, when working away he would be home for the weekend every few weeks and in longer stretches ex and DSC would visit him in the school holidays. So not hugely different from the arrangement we have now.

OP posts:

Original poster

leiaorganashair · 29/12/2017 19:17

Mummy I get what you're saying. We don't really have any option than to go ahead at this point. My cousin's family are staying because they should have been in our empty house and I can't cancel on them. DSC arrive tomorrow and my family we usually spend new year with are a 12 hour direct flight away. I could have booked last minute flights earlier this week but it will cost a fortune now. We don't have the space to celebrate separately here. I also think both time together and one on one with their dad is the best solution. They will get both.

OP posts:

pinkbraces · 29/12/2017 19:39

I think you and your partner are very wrong in this scenario. In the past 2 yrs the dsc have gone through their family breaking down, Dad moving into his own place, new girlfriend, another move across the country, less regular time with Dad AND another child living with him full time. You need to treat these children very gently. Blended families do not have to be full on from the beginning.
My family is blended, I have a DD and 2 SDC. For the first few years we had at least one separate holiday per year so DH has one on one time, we also made sure that the times they were with us we did everything we could to make sure we were sympathetic to their situation. My DSD initially hated that her dad lived with another child. 10 years later all the hard work paid off and we are such a happy blended family, everyone fits and more importantly there is no resentment.
Recread your posts, it’s all about you and your feelings and not the DSC.

converseandjeans · 29/12/2017 19:47

leia do the DSC get no say then? I still don't hear you saying how you will accommodate their needs/wants. Why do you have to be around? Maybe they aren't interested in meeting your cousin. They just want to see their Dad. They rarely see him.
My DS gives up his room for my Mum and friends who visit - but this is different. DSC don't know your cousin.
I always check what food kids will eat when they visit. Most British kids wouldn't want the food you are making. Not because they are rude/ungrateful. It's just not what they would normally have - not saying that excuses it but you shouldn't take offence.

converseandjeans · 29/12/2017 19:50

Your DP could consider a couple of nights in a Travelodge with his kids & make it a mini break. Depending on finances.

Original poster

leiaorganashair · 29/12/2017 20:04

converse have you read my posts? I completely agree DSC have no interest in meeting my cousin's family. This situation has only come about because their mother insisted we switch dates at the last minute. The plan was fully western Christmas with DSCs on 25th, flight to my country a few days later and my cousin staying here while we were gone. This situation is rubbish but it is their mother's doing. I'm not sure what you want me to do about it.

A Travelodge in this year for New Year will be impossible to find this short notice.

OP posts:

BulletFox · 29/12/2017 20:08

I got a bit lost with this one tbh.

The food sounds amazing though, fish, vegetables, rice and soup.

converseandjeans · 29/12/2017 20:11

Agree it's the fault of their mother. But still not the fault of the kids. Tbh your cousin gets a raw deal too. Your DP is also at fault for not making his own plans with his own kids.

pinkbraces · 29/12/2017 20:19

Your DSC are only interested in seeing their dad. Everything you say relates to your needs not theirs

Mrsmadevans · 29/12/2017 20:20

I would be sorely tempted to book the flights and go home to your family and have a lovely new year. I think if you don't make a stand then you are forever going to have to put up with this behaviour. Sorry OP l so hope you have a great New year .

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/12/2017 20:29

I get their mother has well and truly shafted you and is trying to sabotage your new year plans. I also agree with pink that his children are expected to adjust to a lot of changes and it sounds too much for them to contend with. The problem is both needs are irreconcilable. Perhaps your dp could take the children to visit family for a few days or have some outings just the 3 of them.

FrancisCrawford · 29/12/2017 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SparklyUnicornTractors · 29/12/2017 20:40

Not quite sure why you're getting a kicking here OP. Also not sure why, when this is a muddle of their mother's making, that it seems to be entirely your problem to solve and sort out for everyone.

GreenTulips · 29/12/2017 20:53

I'm not sure either!

Kids should beable to be flexible and as yet their visit hasn't yet started .... the problems are all theoretical! Camping at dads? Not a big deal! Kids are quite accommodating when you let them. Mine scramble for a bunk out in each orhers rooms, it's less intense when others are around to play with - who doesn't want anew friend to play? Throw in a party and alls rosy!!

Some people

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 29/12/2017 20:53

OP you are amazingly calm and kind. I hope you all have a great new year!

Smitff · 29/12/2017 21:12

Bloody hell OP! That’s a lot of cooking and bed making you’ve got going on

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