To say New Year is cancelled

[leiaorganashair]

DP and I moved in together under a year ago, so this year is the first we've had to deal with this time of year properly. I don't celebrate Christmas, New Year is a big celebration for my family and so DC and I have always gone home late December to my family. DSC celebrate Christmas. Months ago DP and ex agreed for DSC to spend Christmas with us, they would then go back to his ex and celebrate Christmas with her family on Boxing Day and we would go to my family after they left. Ex then got upset about spending Christmas away from DSC and guilt tripped DP to switch. They agreed DSC would spend Christmas week with ex and then come to us to do Christmas again from New Years Eve. I wasn't happy because it would make it impossible to see my family for New Year, but I agreed for the sake of keeping the peace. This is the first year we have been a blended family and there have been problems since DP moved in with DSC and his ex, so I agreed we could visit my family in the Easter break instead and have a combined New Year Christmas celebration with DSC. His ex called this morning and she expects us to just do Christmas for DSC as they will be upset otherwise. They were talking about it over Christmas and upset they wouldn't get a proper Christmas with their dad this year. I had planned to combine traditions, food etc to keep everyone happy. Christmas dinner on 31st and traditional food from my family's side on the 1st. DSC were visited by Santa at DP's last time they had Christmas with their dad on a different day so we planned to do the same this year. Ex says we can't combine this with staying up for New Year's Eve as Santa comes at midnight. She always does party food Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner Christmas Day, leftovers Boxing Day, so that has to be the same here for them. She says they don't like the kind of food my family have for New Year. She basically wants us to forget mine and DC tradition and just do Christmas the way she would with DSC again.
AIBU to book us last minute flights and leave DP and DSC to it?

Posted too soon -

and if nothing else, and the worst comes to the worst and they stop coming, it's there as evidence for the kids in later life when they are grown up, that their Dad did care - and that he cared enough to go to court to try and preserve his right to see them.

I really feel for you as there's obviously a lot of stirring going on by the mother here, but two things jump out at me given your recent updates:

• they live hours away and so contact isn't as regular as eow

• because you have extra guests, you're not sure where they're going to sleep. That's not great, given this is actually meant to be their home too,

Perhaps they're behaving like this not only because their mother is riling them up, but also because they rarely see their Dad? And presumably their Dad spends more time with your child, than them?

I don't know who moved away from who, but it's shit they don't get to see their Dad that much. That can't be easy.

As for the ex, she's behaving terribly. My mother also didn't behave well when my parents separated - Dad's fault for the divorce, but the psychological impact wrought by my mum has been much harder to manage. What a shame for your dsc.

By the way, although I sort of see the point with regard to the pretend takeaway thing - are you going to later admit you tricked them? Because I doubt that's going to help things...

DP has just had a delightful phone conversation with DSS about how much he dislikes me. Apparently they have talked about it and agreed his language was uncalled for and it won't be happening this weekend. DP assures me there will be consequences for bad behaviour while they're here, so we will see. I suspect their mother is working them up about New Year.

Just to confirm, I'm not sure where anyone is sleeping this weekend. My cousin and family will just be with us for 2 days, DSC will be with us a week. DSS's usual room has the double bed so is the natural choice for cousin and partner, the rest of it is just working out which combination of kids is going to work out best. I will have DD vacate her room for guests too if we end up deciding it's the best solution for everyone. It's only for 2 nights.

DP did move away from them and I hold my hands up to that one. We wanted to move in together and it made more sense for him to move into mine. In our defence, we see more of DSC than DD sees of her dad who lives much closer, but we won't go there. We have them for regular blocks in the school holidays and some weekends throughout the school year.

I don't plan to tell them I've tricked them with the takeaway boxes. I plan to hope they will eat it and continue fighting the food battle another day. I do not make them eat food from my country every meal they are here.

DP did move away from them and I hold my hands up to that one.

It happens. It's hard when parents separate, find new partners and move on, of course it is, but that doesn't mean anyone has done anything wrong. They clearly have a good relationship with DP, it's working through letting go of what was and coming to terms with what now is. Which is horrible for you while it happens.

So his ex is a control freak

Your not allowed to give presents to your dc at pretend Xmas as she says so
Your not to cook certain traditional food as she says so
Your dc must go to bed when she says so

And so it goes on

Unless you say

No

So they think they will be stuck with food they don't like, don't know the sleeping arrangements and would like some time alone with their dad which they are not going to get? And this is on top of their dad moving away and presumably seeing him less over the past year?

I have to say OP, you are not making it easy for your stepchildren. It's their first Christmas with him not being around more regularly, of course they will want to do what is familiar to them.

If your DP only moved in less than a year ago, how many times have your stepchildren visited in that period?

I am 99% sure they do like the food. They happily eat takeaway from a similar country and have been to restaurants etc. They only complain when I'm cooking it for them. Traditional food includes a lot of fish, as I've already mentioned I will also make meat and more British veg. But I am not compromising on celebrating with traditional food.

Since DP moved here at the beginning of the year they have spent 5 weeks here. This will be week 6, they are coming for a week, my cousin for 2 days. They have also been here a few weekends throughout the year. I'm not sure what more I can do.

Apologies for the double post but reread and wanted to add.

Any other day of the year I would have indulged them. But their mother has ruled that we must do Christmas with them on New Year's Day, knowing this is the biggest festival of the year in my country. I will do a hybrid but I will not drop everything in favour of Christmas.

Going against the grain here but I think you should have given the kids time on their own with their Dad and gone on your visit as you usually do. It sounds as if they rarely see him, let alone without you there.
Why invite cousin when it's their only time with their Dad? Why should they give up their usual room?
Your post makes it sound all about you and how you won't give in/pander to them. I wouldn't want to visit if it was me in their position.

Wow...your DSC sound delightful 🙄 you and your DP need to work out a plan and work as a team. They are very entitled and spoilt. Say no to an extra Santa visit. Santa comes on xmas eve/day the world over and that’s that. What’s next? Two Easter bunnies? The eldest is 11 and probably knows that Santa doesn’t exist anyway. You are being played. It’s your house and your traditions. Everybody does things your way. The ex should have a comment. If the DSC come then they have to go with the flow. If you start pandering to their every whim then the future years are going to be an absolute nightmare. If they choose not to come then you’ll have to stand firm and say “what a shame. Your choice of course. Our door is always open. We will keep all of your future birthday/xmas presents for when you do want to come” then mean it and play it firm. They will want to come back as they gain independence from their mother. Probably the 1st row with their mother they’ll be demanding to come back! You are all being played. Don’t accept it

Gosh for a new relationship this all sounds like way too much hassle OP. I agree with the poster who said that your family should not visit at the same time as the DSC as it is their time with their dad. I would feel a bit sad for my children in that case.

On the takeaway note how close is your home cooking to the takeaway food? Indian takeaway for example is not a representation of traditional Indian food at all, so they may see through that and add your 'lies' to the ammo they already have against you.

Santa comes on xmas eve/day the world over and that’s that

That's not strictly true!

But kids should be open to new things, new ways of doing things, different cultures, etc.

There mum doesn't get to dictate, enjoy your celerbrarion with your family.

This woman is poisoning his children against you and their father. It would consequently be good for their father to have some alone time with them and talk about the issues. This will be very difficult while you have a house full and a mixture of celebrations.

Continuing on with your plans might work in your favour. However the more likely outcome is that the children will return to their mothers house and report on the goings on. Then she will pick the situation apart and put a negative spin on events and turn them further against you.

Your relationship is very new and it really would be good for them to have 1-2-1 time with their father. I don’t agree at all to pandering to the mother. However, I think you’ve been set up to fail and this failure could have serious effects on the long term relationship your dp has with his children.

Therefore I don’t think it would be a bad thing for you to have separate celebrations. Him with his children. You with your family. You have many years ahead of you to be a proper blended family and it would be best to start on solid ground.

I understand you are all being upset this woman and that this isn’t what you want to hear. However, someone needs to put these kids first. Their mother certainly isn’t and it falls to your dp to do so.

Yanbu and can I come? it sounds like a great celebration you have planned. Do what you do and try and incorporate some of the things the children want but your dsc mum doesn't get to dictate what happens in your home.

I feel quite sorry for your partners children. They have lost their dad because his relationship has broken down with their mother and they must miss him terribly. Their mother is behaving very badly towards you and is having a negative influence on the children but they are still just children. Their room or place to sleep at your house should always be theirs when they are staying with their dad, you can’t make them sleep elsewhere if you have relatives staying at the same time. You must make alternative arrangements for your relatives but make sure your step children sleep in their usual beds.
This is a really difficult situation for all of you and I totally understand your need to have your own traditional celebrations but I do think your step children should have their special Christmas with their dad. If I was in this situation I would have opted to do separate celebrations so everyone is happy. Go and visit your family and give the step children time with their dad. Build your relationship with the step kids over the next year and hopefully you will be able to have a blended celebration next year when things are more settled. I hope you have a lovely time whatever you decide.

The plan that the OP's ex nixed would not have coincided with the OP's New Year celebrations. The children would have had Christmas with dad and second Christmas with mum (reasonable as it sounds like last year they had Christmas with mum), and then maybe time with just dad again after that.

The ex is the person who has created this situation with her demand to have her children with her for the whole of the Christmas week, meaning that the children had to share New Year with dad's new partner and her child as their Christmas holiday stay. Although the dad could have said no to that of course, and it sounds like it would have been better if he had done so.

The OP is not unreasonable to want to share her significant winter holiday celebration with her family and there is no reason why the step children shouldn't have plenty of time to spend with their dad too. It is a lot for them to adjust to though, sounds as if it's only their second two home Christmas, and they have had a lot of change this past year with their father moving away and acquiring a new family.

Why doesn’t Santa just come as normal on Christmas Eve night so the presents are waiting when they arrive? That way, things are fun from the moment they get there. And no having to pretend Santa is making a special trip. This is what we will do. Additionally that deals with Christmas leaving room for your celebrations!
Sleeping arrangements - the children are supposed to be at home. It doesn’t sound like they’ve been there lots really so it might not feel like home yet and not having their own space won’t help. Buy a blow up mattress and have your relatives sleep in the living room? (50-100 quid from Argos and v comfy)
I appreciate what you are saying about your traditions, but the most important thing I hear in your posts is that their dad moved away from them this year. They might not need encouragement from their mum to notice that very clear message to them. (Regardless of the reality of their dad’s commitment that’s what they might see.)
Forgetting all the noise from the ex, this is the real challenge of the situation - to help your partner create an environment where the children feel reassured that they are wanted and loved. That might need some compromise from you. Eg for the big party on NYE you could make the food completely 50/50 your culture and their culture. It’s supposed to be a party so spoil them a little! why not let them choose what they want to eat and you/your partner cook/order in that. I’d be surprised if they choose a turkey dinner over something like pizza if they are given completely free choice.

also!
Yes, as others have said ... Encourage your partner to get a court order. Negotiating access and it changing all the time is so stressful for everyone involved. A set pattern is takes away a lot of uncertainty and turmoil. Helps the children understand their lives. Gives their mum less power over your life.

Too late for this year but DP needs to put his foot down with the DSCs and the dreadful ex. She does NOT dictate what happens in your home. The DSCs are children and they don't dictate either.

You have compromised more than most people would, OP. Don't let it happen again.

I really think people are massively losing sight that we're taking about children here. They're not behaving well and it's not acceptable, but their mother is frankly borderline emotionally abusing them, they live hours away from their Dad, and family life as they know it has completely changed, as well as dealing with a new stepmother and step sibling. That is NOT easy. They need boundaries, of course, but they also need kindness and understanding. I don't imagine any children behave particularly well when their world is upside down. They're not entitled, they're not spoilt, they're children who are trying to figure out their 'new normal' and by all accounts have a twat of a mother who is making it as hard as possible for them. They need someone to help them.

And some of that kindness might come with not busting their balls about food like some posters are suggesting. They're not with their Dad that often, does it really matter whether they just eat what you know they like? I'm not saying change your traditions at all, but if they will eat pizza, then just serve a pizza as well.

My stepmum was a horror in some respects but even she made me the food she knew I would eat when I stayed. Why make the children unhappy for the time they're there?

I know it probably seems like they are being pains in the arse for the sake of it, but they also might just be trying to take control of a small part of their life, don't forget that everything has changed for them.

Trying to address all the points raised here, bear with me.

I agree my cousin's family staying with us isn't ideal. That is collateral damage from the original plan. As I mentioned in my OP originally DP and I were going to have DSC for Xmas, they would stay for a few days then go back to their mothers and DP DD and I would fly to my country for New Year Celebrations. My cousin lives abroad in another country and she and her family are spending their kids' school break visiting a few European countries. They were due to stay in our house for two nights while we were away. DP ex then decided she couldn't bear to not have the kids on Xmas day which would have meant us not seeing them at all over Xmas so I agreed we could cancel going to my family this year. I couldn't tell my cousin they would have to book a hotel after promising to put them up here, which is why they're staying over New Year. They will be here for two nights, DSC will be here a week. They will have lots of time with their dad without my cousin and her family here.

I disagree they shouldn't have to give up their bedrooms. DSS is going to have to give up his room to the visiting adults purely because his room has a double bed, not because he is DSS. My DD is also going to have to give up her bedroom for her second cousins. It's only for two nights. It makes absolutely no sense for an 11 year old to have a double bed to himself and put two adults on the living room floor when everyone can have a proper bedroom if he moves in with his sister.

New Year is a huge festival in my home country. It's not like a British family with family traditions for New Years Day. It's a huge cultural and religious thing. We have already compromised on staying in this country, I don't think it's fair for DD and I to have to not celebrate. I am already combining food traditions, we are having traditional Christmas roast on New Years Eve and traditional food from my country on New Years Day. The part of our food you won't find in takeaways from other countries in the region is lots of fish and exotic veg. I have mentioned already that I will also cook some meat and British veg options. This is also partly for my cousin's kids. It will all be served as a buffet so if DSC want to eat meat plain rice and British veg that's fine. I will cook them a variety of different foods the week they are here, but it will be traditional food on New Years Day. I know they will eat what I'm making them. They just like to make a huge fuss and tell their mother I feed them nothing but my food, which isn't true. We already have Christmas decorations up alongside New Year decorations. They have Santa coming. We have Christmas movies for everyone to watch. DP is going to make a Yule Log. I really don't know what more I can do to merge traditions.

To be fair, when I was a child I really didn't like anything but traditional british food.

Sorry OP I hope my posts didn't come across as critical to you - I honestly think you're doing a good job. I just felt that some of the posts on here were getting very anti dsc, and I don't think getting riled into that sort of mindset would be at all helpful to the situation.

Happy new year