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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say New Year is cancelled

207 replies

leiaorganashair · 26/12/2017 12:45

DP and I moved in together under a year ago, so this year is the first we've had to deal with this time of year properly. I don't celebrate Christmas, New Year is a big celebration for my family and so DC and I have always gone home late December to my family. DSC celebrate Christmas. Months ago DP and ex agreed for DSC to spend Christmas with us, they would then go back to his ex and celebrate Christmas with her family on Boxing Day and we would go to my family after they left. Ex then got upset about spending Christmas away from DSC and guilt tripped DP to switch. They agreed DSC would spend Christmas week with ex and then come to us to do Christmas again from New Years Eve. I wasn't happy because it would make it impossible to see my family for New Year, but I agreed for the sake of keeping the peace. This is the first year we have been a blended family and there have been problems since DP moved in with DSC and his ex, so I agreed we could visit my family in the Easter break instead and have a combined New Year Christmas celebration with DSC. His ex called this morning and she expects us to just do Christmas for DSC as they will be upset otherwise. They were talking about it over Christmas and upset they wouldn't get a proper Christmas with their dad this year. I had planned to combine traditions, food etc to keep everyone happy. Christmas dinner on 31st and traditional food from my family's side on the 1st. DSC were visited by Santa at DP's last time they had Christmas with their dad on a different day so we planned to do the same this year. Ex says we can't combine this with staying up for New Year's Eve as Santa comes at midnight. She always does party food Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner Christmas Day, leftovers Boxing Day, so that has to be the same here for them. She says they don't like the kind of food my family have for New Year. She basically wants us to forget mine and DC tradition and just do Christmas the way she would with DSC again.
AIBU to book us last minute flights and leave DP and DSC to it?

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 27/12/2017 10:32

is his ex racist? sounds like it from the way she's talking!
Tell her to mind her own business - your house so your rules......and tell your DP he needs to stop pussyfooting around her and giving in to her last minute change of plans re his dc.

Original poster
leiaorganashair · 27/12/2017 18:40

His ex will know our plans because we explained to DSC when we last saw them. Their mother had said that they would have Christmas again at ours, we explained that New Year is like Christmas where I'm from so we would combine traditions. Their mother says they were too scared to say they didn't like this when they were here. I completely agree about Santa, but DP did it when he last had them not at Christmas so they will expect it I think. His ex expects me not to cook traditional food my family would have because DSC don't like it. Most of it they won't have tried, it's more that they have decided they don't like food from that country after trying some once. Usually DP takes them out for visits as they want him to themselves which may be what this is about. We have said DSC can go to bed and my DC can stay up for New Year as is traditional for us, but she is worried mine will be tired and ruin the next day or spoil Santa for hers. Stepparenting is a minefield.

OP posts:
ArbitraryName · 27/12/2017 18:50

I think you need to make it very clear to your DP that you and your children celebrate new year. It is absolutely not ok for the DSC’s second Christmas to trump your children’s one (and key) celebration.

If they must have Christmas Day again, it can be the 30th. So Santa can come overnight on the 28th. That way you can move on to celebrating new year on the 31st and 1st. And it’s up to you and your DP whether they’re allowed to stay up on the 31st.

Original poster
leiaorganashair · 27/12/2017 18:52

ohwhatfuckery I am from a mostly Asian background. My DC father is mixed European, DP and DSC are British.

OP posts:
ArbitraryName · 27/12/2017 18:58

Not really the point, but can you tell me what food you traditionally serve for new year? It makes no difference at all to whether you are being (un)reasonable; I’m just interested.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 27/12/2017 19:09

but she is worried mine will be tired and ruin the next day or spoil Santa for hers

At which point your DP needs to be telling her - politely - to mind her own business.

Original poster
leiaorganashair · 27/12/2017 19:25

Traditional food for my family would be a selection of rice, fish, soup and vegetables served similar to a buffet. I will always make some meat and more "British" vegetables if I'm cooking for DSC or other children who aren't used to Asian food. They will get a roast on New Years Eve.

OP posts:
TheDayIBroke · 27/12/2017 19:27

Your DP needs to tell his ex to keep her big beak out. She does not get to dictate how you celebrate in your own home.

Enjoy New Year- how you want it. Smile

Original poster
leiaorganashair · 27/12/2017 20:35

Oldest DSC has just finished phoning DP. DSCs basically want my child and me to clear out and leave them and their dad to Christmas number two. DP has said no. Oldest and middle say it won't feel like Christmas because the food will be wrong, the decorations will be wrong, they will have to talk to my family on Skype, they will have to play with my DC. They think it's unfair my DC will get presents from Santa because mine don't celebrate Christmas. Basically they want their dad's undivided attention. DP has told them it's up to them if they come but they will not change our plans. I think this has more to do with their mother than it does DSC.

OP posts:
Supermagicsmile · 27/12/2017 20:39

How old are they?

Original poster
leiaorganashair · 27/12/2017 21:11

DP's kids are 11, 8 and 3. My child is 3 and we will also have my cousin and her 7 and 10 year olds with us this weekend. So three kids of "my" side, one mine, two also from my background, three DSCs. DP's parents will join us for dinner on New Years Day.

OP posts:
Supermagicsmile · 27/12/2017 21:12

Do it your way and enjoy!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/12/2017 21:17

My dear OP

The matriarch in your house is you

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/12/2017 21:20

You decide what you're going to do . They can take it or leave it and why in fuck is your DP discussing and negotiating a 3day menu with his ex wife???

How much of the work will your Dp be doing?

AdalindSchade · 27/12/2017 21:23

Maybe You should go to your family for new year and leave them to it tbh

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/12/2017 21:27

You know what I agree with the PP who said leave them too it and just do your own thing.

Coz the way things are at the moment, everyone is getting what they want except you - and yet you are the one facilitating it all for them!!!!!!!

ChasedByBees · 27/12/2017 21:28

His ex does not get to set the rules in your house. You and your children and guests are important.

GreenTulips · 27/12/2017 21:36

Sorry but I don't discuss the menu with my own kids days in advance, so not sure what people are thinking!

The kids don't get to dictate either.

At lest your DH is trying to compromise, but his kids sound bloody ungrateful reguardless of their mothers input

goose1964 · 27/12/2017 21:36

My kids would have loved the food you intend to offer, I'm sure it's a red herring. Don't let her dictate how to do things to you. I would just say the Santa left some presents at yours because he knew they were coming for New Year.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/12/2017 21:38

No, I don't think you should leave them to it. You should not give in to their entirely unreasonable demands that you and your child should fuck off and leave them with their Dad's undivided attention.

Now, either they are a bunch of selfish little gits, or their mother has put them up to this - or a combination of the two. Either way, a sensible mother wouldn't allow them to behave in this appallingly selfish way - so she's at fault here either way.

Your DP, on the other hand, has told them they either come and it's the way you've planned it, or, if they don't want that, then they don't come.

Ball is back in their court. YOU must stick to your arrangements, make NO further accommodations for them, because if you do, they'll just use it next time to push and push until your traditions are out the window or you give up with your DP and split. DOn't let them "win".

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 27/12/2017 21:41

Why are you even engaging with this woman?! Your home, your traditions. Your DSC have had Christmas! They aren't missing out, they had it with their mum as per her wishes/demands. They will still see their Dad and partake in festivities but they cannot trump you and yours.

ByeByePrivacy · 27/12/2017 21:58

OP that's is horrible. You and your children deserve your New Years celebration over their repeat Christmas. I'm guessing the eldest understands the whole santa thing, how selfish of a child to say another child can't have presents, I'm very sorry they have been told that and encouraged that by their mother.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/12/2017 21:58

And by the way, his ex is FAR too controlling in this situation. How DARE she suggest that your child can't even do what is traditional for your family in case it has a negative impact on her little pweshuses day the following day?? Fuck OFF with that, you interfering witch!

You need to set the ground rules hard here, in conjunction with your DP of course, because this is going to just get worse if you give in at all.

Good luck!

Reallycantbebothered · 27/12/2017 22:04

Sounds like the ex is trying to put a very big wedge between you and your dp. Surely it's your house and your traditions must now take precedence at New Year , the dsc have already had their Christmas , your dcs shouldn't have to forgo their traditions and food buy the dsc some crisps and dips for New Year

Ellie56 · 27/12/2017 22:05

Agree this needs nipping in the bud now OP or you will have problems for evermore.

Ex needs to butt out and mind her own business and be told so in no uncertain terms.