To say New Year is cancelled

[leiaorganashair]

DP and I moved in together under a year ago, so this year is the first we've had to deal with this time of year properly. I don't celebrate Christmas, New Year is a big celebration for my family and so DC and I have always gone home late December to my family. DSC celebrate Christmas. Months ago DP and ex agreed for DSC to spend Christmas with us, they would then go back to his ex and celebrate Christmas with her family on Boxing Day and we would go to my family after they left. Ex then got upset about spending Christmas away from DSC and guilt tripped DP to switch. They agreed DSC would spend Christmas week with ex and then come to us to do Christmas again from New Years Eve. I wasn't happy because it would make it impossible to see my family for New Year, but I agreed for the sake of keeping the peace. This is the first year we have been a blended family and there have been problems since DP moved in with DSC and his ex, so I agreed we could visit my family in the Easter break instead and have a combined New Year Christmas celebration with DSC. His ex called this morning and she expects us to just do Christmas for DSC as they will be upset otherwise. They were talking about it over Christmas and upset they wouldn't get a proper Christmas with their dad this year. I had planned to combine traditions, food etc to keep everyone happy. Christmas dinner on 31st and traditional food from my family's side on the 1st. DSC were visited by Santa at DP's last time they had Christmas with their dad on a different day so we planned to do the same this year. Ex says we can't combine this with staying up for New Year's Eve as Santa comes at midnight. She always does party food Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner Christmas Day, leftovers Boxing Day, so that has to be the same here for them. She says they don't like the kind of food my family have for New Year. She basically wants us to forget mine and DC tradition and just do Christmas the way she would with DSC again.
AIBU to book us last minute flights and leave DP and DSC to it?

Glad to hear I'm not the unreasonable one

DP ex holds me personally responsible for ending her marriage and has always behaved like that towards DP and me. The kids do get a lot of rubbish at hers about me. DP indulges her out of fear she will convince DSCs they don't want to come to ours.

What will probably happen is my 3 year old will fall asleep around 9 and wake up at midnight. We will get up late ish the next morning. Youngest DSC we will play it by ear, older two it's up to them. My cousin's kids will stay up. I don't buy that the world ends if Santa doesn't arrive at exactly midnight.

I will be doing all the cooking, so really it should be my say, shouldn't it

Stick to your plans - she doesn't get to say what happens in your house. It's dreadful that she's prompting the poor DSCs.

They will get older and realise what she's like and despise her for it.

Hang on

She changed the plans so the DSC didn't come to yours Christmas as planned and now expects you to change your plans to fit into that?

She is VERY clearly playing the hurt and hard some by ex. Clearly persuading her DC that their dad doesn't care about them unless he overrides everyone else's feelings to put theirs at the top. Unfortunately some threads and SM groups will be encouraging this behaviour in her.
Her children probably don't seriously think santa is coming out NYE specifically for them to have xmas 3 days then.

The eldest 2 are old enough to understand - "your mum changed the plans of you spending xmas here - we have rearranged our own plans to fit into yours but we also will be following our traditions alongside that. And no - my 3yo won't sit watching you open gifts and not have any"

Just agree to it and then do it your way. The dsc will most likely be perfectly happy and excited to take part in the family traditions. So long as they get to be with their dad and you ensure that there is food available that they do like even if it's chicken nuggets

To be fair to DP it sounds like he has stood firm with his children on this. DSC are probably massively under the influence of their mother at the moment whilst at her place but given the option at their age to be in a party and stay up until midnight or go to bed early and wait for Santa to come for a second time, I think they will quickly change their minds about what to celebrate

As long as you and DP stick together she can't win.

I would also say that trying to accommodate her demands so she doesn't encourage the children not to come to yours is a slippery slope. She should not be involved in what you do together.

I would also say to her that if she wants to do things this way, the current arrangement of Christmas with her and New Year with you will no longer work...

She's dictating your Christmas equivalent - stupid woman!! Do your celebrations, who knows, Perhaps they'll enjoy it!!!
The ex is totally out of line

So eldest step child thinks it's unfair for your children to get presents from Santa because you don't believe but it's fine for them to get double which doesn't normally happen? Entitled much! I see problems ahead if this is not nipped in the bud!!!

Why does she hold you responsible?

The step kids will have had a fully fledged Christmas at their mum's so they are not missing out. Santa does not visit people twice a year! Your partners ex does not get to dictate what you do in your own home, so your partner needs to man up and support you in what you want to do. Set things straight this year or you'll have years more aggro to deal with!

Imlistening I have known DP for years, since before DSC11 was born. We were friends, we only got together this year. DP left ex two years ago and I had nothing to do with that. Ex thinks that because DP and I have known each other so long and we're now together I must have broken up her marriage and she has told oldest DSC this.

I completely agree Santa doesn't need to come twice but I don't want to be the mean stepmother who puts a stop to it this close. DP has explained to DSC that my daughter is too young to sit and watch them open presents so we have asked Santa to deliver to her and my cousin's two kids too. DSC will open presents from us and DP parents on new year, they are not being neglected.

The food is part of a wider battle we have whenever they visit. They will complain about anything and everything apart from a few favourite meals. I refuse to cook the same thing every time they visit when I know they eat a more varied diet at his ex's. They have told ex before I only give them food from my culture which is completely untrue.

Just tell them Santa doesn’t visit at midnight, he only visits when they are asleep! So that could be 5am, job done. Cook what you want and leave them crisps

The ex including the kids can lump it or like it. I wouldn't change things around to suit them or even worse go away to your family. Just go on as you would And maybe the kids will join In.

Well she can blame all she likes. She’ll carry on blaming you as she needs a scapegoat & you are it. Apart from telling the kids the truth not much you can do!

I see no reason for you not to carry on with your traditions as it’s not fair on your side.

Re the food I have this with some family so I end up making extra so they will eat something. It’s a pain but keeps the peace.

No wonder he left her! Controlling, whiny and borderline racist, by the sound of it.
Just do the things you want to do, and I hope you have a lovely time.

Seems like there's a lot of bad feeling going on the ex's end, and she's influencing the DSC as well.
This is going to need your DP to really be strong and stand together with you on everything, or they're going to exploit the slightest crack in your relationship and wedge it open.

I'm having trouble believing that they hate all your food. I suspect that's a plot. I'd be tempted to not give them the alternative, because you don't want to be creating 2-3 separate meals! But of course you don't want them going home complaining that they were starved either, so that's a tough one.

But you and your DP really do need to have a plan, together, on how to deal with this. He's doing well so far but I do think you need to sit down and talk it out.

I agree the food thing is them playing up. I know they eat similar food from a neighbouring country from the takeaway. The problem with providing different food options is that if I do it this weekend they will expect it in future. Their mother will complain if they come home to hers saying they lived on crisps even if it was because they wouldn't eat what was on offer.

DP is already anticipating a fight because the usual sleeping arrangements are going to be different this weekend since my cousin's family are staying. He will put his foot down if their behaviour towards my child and me crosses a line but he panders to them because he worries they will stop coming. I have done the food shop so there is no question what we're having but I wouldn't put it past him to go out and buy sausage rolls etc and tell me we can displace everything. They are used to party style food on Christmas Eve and will have had that at their mothers last week.

OP is there are court order in place regarding contact? If he's worried about his Ex being difficult then I'd suggest getting contact arrangements formalised - so that if she does start messing about then there is something to rely upon if you need to go through official channels to make sure he can still see the DC.

It must be very difficult, but I think the only way is to keep doing what you are doing. Be consistent, kind, neutral. Correct any lies or untruths with a simple and age-appropriate statement of the facts and then move on. Keep the boundaries and routines the same and hopefully the DC will adjust. Your OH needs to keep very firm boundaries in place with the Ex - stop sharing info with her, keep everything on a neutral and polite footing. If you provide no reaction then hopefully she will get bored and move on. Ideally she will meet someone else.

So they eat Asian food from a takeaway? I've had an idea. What about if you get some of those foil trays takeaway food comes in, dish up some of YOUR food into them, and say you've got them a takeaway?

Yeah, I see his point but you really need to have that chat NOW about what constitutes acceptable compromise and what veers towards pandering. AND about what constitutes "crossing the line" because I'll bet his idea and your idea aren't as close together as you'd like.

And Motoko has a very good idea with the takeaway boxes! Tell them that their mother said they'd eaten food from these takeaway places before, so they should be ok with them this time too. That'll confuse them.

Getting a court order is all well and good, but it doesn't stop an ex from using a child's emotions to turn them away from the other parent.

What the ex is doing is called 'Parental Alienation' and is grounds for losing custody and/or visitation here (US, and I used US legal terms). Is that a legal 'thing' in the UK?

I love the takeaway idea. We have some Chinese takeaway containers we use for leftovers, I think that would completely throw them. They cannot deny they eat Asian food at their mother's, we know they do.

I think you're right about the line, thumbwitch. A proper conversation needs to happen before this weekend. DP will step in if ex or DSCs make completely outrageous demands or physically insult me but otherwise will try to keep the peace. He isn't great at disciplining them. His 3 year old is young enough she will play with my 3 year old nicely but his older two and my 3 year old are a completely different story.

There is no court order but that may change as there are lots of issues at the moment with contact and maintenance expectations. DSCs live several hours away, so contact is usually for longer stretches in school holidays instead of every other weekend. Occasional weekend visits but that's a whole separate issue.

Getting a court order is all well and good, but it doesn't stop an ex from using a child's emotions to turn them away from the other parent.

Completely agree, but a court order does provide clarity over how and when the DC should be seeing their Dad - and gives him legal recourse if the Ex starts messing about. At the moment he has nothing.

PA is starting to be recognised over here.

Does a court order count for much of the older two decide they don't want to come though? This is DP's worry with them which is why he ends up pandering to them and ex.

I have takeaway boxes ready. Yet to work out where they will sleep with extra guests but wrapped their gifts from Santa while DP was out with DD. SDCs arrive on Saturday so we will probably have another call from their mother tomorrow.

A court order would take into account the children's feelings, but look deeper at the issues. The children aren't afraid to come, they aren't unhappy about ill treatment, and CAFCAS would quickly see the real issue here: that the children haven't yet really accepted that their father's life is different to what it was when he lived with them, and change is difficult to cope with, and that there are tensions around your being from a different culture to the one they are familiar with. Ex's feelings driving this would also quickly come to the fore. I would think a court would feel the children most need support to cope with this change rather than that their previous life with dh is pickled in aspic, or that they lose contact with him.

It's difficult to see your children go and do one of the year's special days not only separately with their father but in his new partner's home with her. It's a big loss of control. This is a first, and I can see how a mother who panicked over losing Christmas with her children is now got fixed in her mind that they must have a proper Christmas with their father, and come first with him, and be upset that they will experience new and different traditions, but her anxieties while understandable can't be allowed to drive this. She can't control what you celebrate and what the children eat or what their new blended family is like - that's hard, but it's something she will have to get her head around.

The children also are grieving the loss of the familiar, and understandably want to hang on to being with their safe, familiar dad by himself keeping their lives as much as possible the way they've always been. I've been there as a child and it sucks. It's a huge thing to get used to. But again it's about helping them through this. A gentle conversation about it's ok to be sad, and it's ok to miss how things were, and it's ok to be worried about things being different may open this up, and a chance to talk about how a blended family works - that it's the best of both sides, and that will mean new and fun things. Sympathy for feelings but firmness around what is going to happen and what is not. Is it possible to include some of their familiar decorations with your familiar ones if that's important to them? Can the special new year buffet include a side dish or something that each child chooses? The familiarity of the takeaway dishes is a stroke of genius.

So sorry you're dealing with this, it must be very hard

What Sparkly says. It's not the silver bullet and they don't always work - but it will look behind why the kids are reluctant. And it can help to nip issues in the bud. If the Ex is completely intransigent then it won't help. But if she is - at the heart of it - genuinely wanting the best for her kids then it may prompt her to sit up, take notice and stop bad-mouthing you if she's had independent evidence from experts that this behaviour is damaging them.