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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say New Year is cancelled

207 replies

leiaorganashair · 26/12/2017 12:45

DP and I moved in together under a year ago, so this year is the first we've had to deal with this time of year properly. I don't celebrate Christmas, New Year is a big celebration for my family and so DC and I have always gone home late December to my family. DSC celebrate Christmas. Months ago DP and ex agreed for DSC to spend Christmas with us, they would then go back to his ex and celebrate Christmas with her family on Boxing Day and we would go to my family after they left. Ex then got upset about spending Christmas away from DSC and guilt tripped DP to switch. They agreed DSC would spend Christmas week with ex and then come to us to do Christmas again from New Years Eve. I wasn't happy because it would make it impossible to see my family for New Year, but I agreed for the sake of keeping the peace. This is the first year we have been a blended family and there have been problems since DP moved in with DSC and his ex, so I agreed we could visit my family in the Easter break instead and have a combined New Year Christmas celebration with DSC. His ex called this morning and she expects us to just do Christmas for DSC as they will be upset otherwise. They were talking about it over Christmas and upset they wouldn't get a proper Christmas with their dad this year. I had planned to combine traditions, food etc to keep everyone happy. Christmas dinner on 31st and traditional food from my family's side on the 1st. DSC were visited by Santa at DP's last time they had Christmas with their dad on a different day so we planned to do the same this year. Ex says we can't combine this with staying up for New Year's Eve as Santa comes at midnight. She always does party food Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner Christmas Day, leftovers Boxing Day, so that has to be the same here for them. She says they don't like the kind of food my family have for New Year. She basically wants us to forget mine and DC tradition and just do Christmas the way she would with DSC again.
AIBU to book us last minute flights and leave DP and DSC to it?

OP posts:
mommytoboo86 · 26/12/2017 14:10

wait so this ex wants santa to visit her kids twice? wtf?? how entitled is that.
my parents split when I was 18months and as far back as I can remember I always had xmas eve and day with my mum, (later sd & half siblings as well), then my dad would come pick me up boxing day and we would go to my nan's where I would open presents from them and the neighbours and my nan would make a mini xmas dinner (usually turkey left from the day before then fresh roasted and veg). Later when I was ready for 3 long car trips in 1 day (about 8yo) we changed it to my dad would pick me up as normal take me to my grandparents, open pressies and then after a light snack it was into my grampys car to go visit my uncle, aunt and cousins. My mother didn't like it (she hates my uncle and aunt) but it was tough cos she only gets to make the rules under her roof!

I would be telling the ex to mind her own business but I suspect from wot uve said she'd only make more problems

PositivelyPERF · 26/12/2017 14:10

I'm completely bamboozled by most of what OP posted. 🤔😕

However I'm trying to work out if your understanding of His ex can jack off, frankly is very different from mine. 😁 My lads (grownup) are falling about laughing at this, so they obviously have filthy minds too. 😳

Gemini69 · 26/12/2017 14:15

Yes.. Tell the Ex to PISS OFF... you have been MORE than accommodating and they're now pushing the boundaries to the point where your own Children and yourself cannot see your own Family.. this is not on OP.... Xmas Hmm

Book your flights... an take your kids to your Family as usual for New Year Xmas Grin

Nocabbageinmyeye · 26/12/2017 14:16

Nip this in the bud now "Ex you have no control over what way we decide to celebrate anything in this house, see you on xx day"

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 26/12/2017 14:27

So, what does your DP say to his ex's demands that you basically 'do it her way'? Is she threatening not to allow the DSC to come if you don't?

Frankly, I'd probably do the 'nod and smile' to the ex, then do whatever the hell I wanted.

GrooovyLass · 26/12/2017 14:28

How old are the DSC? Even very small children know that santa comes on Christmas Eve and he doesn't come again on NYE just because they're having another celebration! She's off her rocker!

Gemini69 · 26/12/2017 14:33

If this is affecting your quality of life with your own DC OP you maybe need to consider asking him to move out...

He11y · 26/12/2017 14:33

You’ll be making a rod for your own back if you go along with this. You’ve already made a significant compromise! Don’t believe any rubbish about it being just this year as it’s so new and difficult either - if you do it this year it will be even more difficult to tell her to go forth next year.

Their dad isn’t Santa so there is absolutely no need for Santa to visit twice - it’s time with their dad that’s important. What on earth has Santa got to do with it??

I get they may not like the food you enjoy but you’ve already thought of that and are catering for everyone.

Assuming your partner also thinks she’s being unreasonable, I don’t think you should jump on a plane and leave them to it this year. Just smile sweetly and then ignore their mother and go ahead with your plans - they may enjoy it. If they don’t like it and kick up a stink then next year you can arrange your usual new year celebration and work out Christmas between you.

However, if your partner is thinking of pandering to them then yes, get on that plane with your children and leave him to it!

chinam · 26/12/2017 14:46

Your DP needs to man up and tell his ex that she does not get to dictate how celebrations are managed in your house. If he isn't willing to do that I would book flights to see your own family.

FlouncyDoves · 26/12/2017 15:16

The answer is you create your own traditions in your family that suit what both you and your DP want.

The ex has absolutely no say in it, and shouldn’t promise her children something she has no power over.

The kids will be fine. They’ll get lovely food, nice presents and, more importantly, the attention of their father and step-mum

RiotAndAlarum · 27/12/2017 03:46

It really is too late to change things, either by doing a second "Christmas" (ridiculous idea, and a very presumptuous demand) or by leaving to your family (as that would strangle any "blended" family business at birth).

However, if your DP does insist on this, then that's really setting the tone for the future. You're unlikely to succeed in "blending" your families at all. Only you can say whether that's a deal breaker.

BattleCunt · 27/12/2017 04:01

I rather think his ex can 'go forth and multiply.'

MrsRhubarb · 27/12/2017 04:24

How strange of the ex. I would stick with your plans to do something at New Years if I were you OP.

After my DP divorced, DM got Christms day (played the religious card, none of us are, fair enough) and DF agreed for an easy life. Since then we have always done Christmas on Christmas Day with her, and "Second Christmas" on another day with DF. It moves each year depending on when he is working. This is a special day, and we exchange gifts and maybe have a roast, but it is a seperate (and more enjoyable) day. Time to start your own traditions!

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 27/12/2017 04:26

..if your understanding of His ex can jack off, frankly is very different from mine ah, I bet the poster of that is Australian. telling someone to "jack off" is much the same as fuck off, which is what I'd be telling ex.
Op, by any chance are you and your family non European, and so your food is "foreign"(so she says kids don't like it) ? Perfect chance for the kids to embrace food from different culture!

AstridWhite · 27/12/2017 04:51

His ex called this morning and she expects us to just do Christmas for DSC as they will be upset otherwise. They were talking about it over Christmas and upset they wouldn't get a proper Christmas with their dad this year.

Well it was her choice for him to have them over NY instead, whereas the original arrangement was for them to split Christmas Day and Boxing Day. She sounds like a loon.

Ex says we can't combine this with staying up for New Year's Eve as Santa comes at midnight. She always does party food Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner Christmas Day, leftovers Boxing Day, so that has to be the same here for them. She says they don't like the kind of food my family have for New Year.

Why on earth is he even discussing the plans for what goes on in HIS household during HIS contact time, in so much detail with her? Confused He needs to get a backbone and start to deflect all these questions and tell her to butt out. His children will get to spend time with him, Christmas Day will be replicated somewhat, they will get gifts from Daddy and what happens the following day with regard to food and tradition etc, is none of her damned business. Hmm

If his children don't like your food the fair enough. Don't rise to it and see it as some sort of battle to be won. She'd love that That's what she's hoping for. That her children will feel alienated by being faced with food they don't like or recognise will feel to her like she's scored a goal against you. Just get them a pizza or whatever they like, bung in the oven and you do your thing. Offer them both. They can eat your food, not eat it, their choice.

AIBU to book us last minute flights and leave DP and DSC to it?

Actually, if everything you've said is completely true then no, I don't think YABU at all. You've been more than accommodating enough and his ex is really taking the piss now. If your DP won't stand up to her then you at least you can. Go and see your family.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2017 05:05

If you have your dsc’s for Christmas next year, she will probably recreate the Santa thing. Which is wierd btw. But I think the kids will probably just think they’re very lucky to get an extra visit.

It sounds as though she’s told them Santa will visit again. So I think you’ll have to go along with it. Either do Santa visit the night before (30th - 31st) or usher them into bed just after midnight. Alternatively if that’s not possible, Santa will have to be coming a bit late as he knows they’re staying up.

They’re kids, they’ll very likely believe what you tell them. And their mother really needs to take a big step back. I really get why you want to run away from this madness.

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2017 05:10

Talk to your partner, stick to the plans for a blended celebration and feed the kids things they will like.

Next year make the plans well in advance and stick to them, so you can see your family and your dh can do 'Christmas' how he wants with his kids at your house BUT not involving you in recreating a Christmas they have just had.

We have at least three family celebrations each year, these all include nice food and gift giving but Santa only comes on Christmas eve, we all know that.

AstridWhite · 27/12/2017 05:20

Also your DP needs to understand that your New Year with your family is as important to him as his Christmas with his. There is a whole week between the two, surely he can work something out that suits both him and his ex without it having to mess up traditions and plans for your family. If he can't see that then you have a problem.

GrockleBocs · 27/12/2017 06:06

If your dp is going to let his ex have a controlling view in your relationship then things are never going to work. She can ask all she likes but he needs to be able to handle what is and isn't in the best interests of his dc and work out what is and isn't reasonable to ask of you.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 27/12/2017 06:23

Can't you just say Santa has been here too and left you your presents? Then carry on with NYE? It's completely up to yourselves how you celebrate I'm your own home and ex can't do a thing about it.
If your DP is unwilling to stand up to her then yes book the flights and enjoy yourself with your family.

Fishface77 · 27/12/2017 06:39

His ex knows too much about what goes on in your house.
Your reaction should depend on your DP actions.
If he tries to change things book the flight.
If he doesn't tell his ex to butt out book a flight.
If he ignores her that's fine.
A word of warning op (though I'll get flamed) by giving in to her depends you are setting your dc up for a world of disappointment. They will feel like second class citizens if you allow their needs to come below those of their step siblings.

Fishface77 · 27/12/2017 06:39

*demands

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/12/2017 07:10

Also going to agree - the EX does not get to dictate what happens when her DC are with their father, your DP. She can fuck off with herself if she thinks she can.

So either your DP stands up to her and tells her to fuck off, or you tell him to fuck off. I wouldn't be putting up with his spinelessness over this.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/12/2017 07:19

And I have to agree with the point that your DC should not have their traditions messed with because of his DC - no fucking way. Yes, that would definitely give them the idea that you and they are second-class citizens in their own home and that everyone has to kowtow to the DSC. No no no no no.

While I understand your desire to take them and go over to your own family, I don't think this is the answer. You have to have it out with your DP and explain why his ex does not get to rule the roost in your house.
If he can't accept that and in any way tries to change your plans, or affect your DC, then (again) tell HIM to fuck off.

This is not a trivial issue - it's a power play and will affect the rest of your relationship together.

BusyBeez99 · 27/12/2017 07:57

Why don't you just say yeah ok and then do what you want anyway.