To say New Year is cancelled

[leiaorganashair]

DP and I moved in together under a year ago, so this year is the first we've had to deal with this time of year properly. I don't celebrate Christmas, New Year is a big celebration for my family and so DC and I have always gone home late December to my family. DSC celebrate Christmas. Months ago DP and ex agreed for DSC to spend Christmas with us, they would then go back to his ex and celebrate Christmas with her family on Boxing Day and we would go to my family after they left. Ex then got upset about spending Christmas away from DSC and guilt tripped DP to switch. They agreed DSC would spend Christmas week with ex and then come to us to do Christmas again from New Years Eve. I wasn't happy because it would make it impossible to see my family for New Year, but I agreed for the sake of keeping the peace. This is the first year we have been a blended family and there have been problems since DP moved in with DSC and his ex, so I agreed we could visit my family in the Easter break instead and have a combined New Year Christmas celebration with DSC. His ex called this morning and she expects us to just do Christmas for DSC as they will be upset otherwise. They were talking about it over Christmas and upset they wouldn't get a proper Christmas with their dad this year. I had planned to combine traditions, food etc to keep everyone happy. Christmas dinner on 31st and traditional food from my family's side on the 1st. DSC were visited by Santa at DP's last time they had Christmas with their dad on a different day so we planned to do the same this year. Ex says we can't combine this with staying up for New Year's Eve as Santa comes at midnight. She always does party food Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner Christmas Day, leftovers Boxing Day, so that has to be the same here for them. She says they don't like the kind of food my family have for New Year. She basically wants us to forget mine and DC tradition and just do Christmas the way she would with DSC again.
AIBU to book us last minute flights and leave DP and DSC to it?

No, OP shouldn't book flights and go to her family! It wouldn't be very nice for the cousins, she'd be leaving her cousins staying in a house with her partner and his children.

Do it your way and as for them trying to get you to not be there bloody hell thats outrageous.
This Santa coming twice thing is lunacy especially for the 8 and 11 year old who I can't believe still believe he's real.

I don't understand why he was upset about not spending Christmas with his children if you were having them Christmas day. He isn't seeing them at all at Christmas but doing a "pretend" Christmas a week later? That sounds so ridiculous.

To say it again. The DSC will be getting time alone with their dad, outings etc. They do every time they visit. But their dad lives with me and DD, and we are not going to vacate every time they visit just because it's hard for them. I get it's hard for them. I really do. But that isn't how step families work.

Two days of their week long stay my cousin and family will be here. I wouldn't have arranged it like that but their mother insisted we change their visit dates. I cannot uninvite my cousin because of their mother's pettiness. Everyone including my own child will have to sleep in a slightly different arrangement. I totally object to the idea that they cannot possibly be moved because they are stepchildren. DSS has a double bed in his room. He cannot have that to himself while cousin, partner and kids sleep in the living room. That's ridiculous. Two nights in his sister's room will not kill him.

This isn't about food likes and dislikes. I know they eat Chinese takeaway because DP has seen them eat it. I know they like Wagamamas because DP has taken them. The food that will be served on Monday will be similar. They can choose whether they eat it or make a fuss, but I know the issue is me, not Asian food. They do not get to dictate a religious festival.

Their needs and wants for a Christmas celebration with their dad have been taken into consideration. They want a Christmas dinner, ice skating, Christmas films etc. I will be cooking a full Christmas dinner on Sunday. DP will be taking them ice skating alone, I have plenty of Christmas DVDs. There are other trips and activities planned which will be just them and their dad. They will also be celebrating New Year on Monday. I don't think that's unfair.

Frances I love the balloon idea! I think anything to get them all interacting has to be worth a go. Both the two days my cousin's family are here and the rest of the week.

The situation is far from ideal, but it does sound like a lot for the SC to deal with when there has been a lot of change in their lives.

I'm not sure your DP agreeing to change dates was the best plan and it sounds as though he needs to be firmer with his ex as she obviously feels that she can dictate what happens in your home.

However, I don't think the SC should be made to sleep anywhere other than their own usual beds. Yes, children do usually give up beds for adult guests, but there is a lot of tension around this visit and I don't think it is wise or reasonable to expect it of them in this situation.

Whilst some of their behaviour is questionable, they are still children who's parents have split up and who's Dad has moved away. It's perfectly understandable that their behaviour and manners may be a little off, especially when their Mum may be fuelling it, but they're just kids that are probably hurting.

So as usual, the kids have plenty of alone time with their dad, and it doesn't seem as though op is trying to push herself into the relationship. They’ve had five weeks and scattered weekends throughout the year in which they’ve spent time alone with their dad and been catered to with regards to food, and probably activities etc, as it doesn’t seem as though op and her dd have been included all that much.

And with this visit, they’re again staying for a week so seven days in total. One or two of those days (I’ve lost track- sorry!) will be spent carrying out traditions specifically for them - which they will have already experienced at their mothers the week previously. So it seems as though they will probably be catered to for more than half the week - their second christmas, plus other days out and activities alone with their dad on most other days, I bet.

On one other day they are expected to participate in a celebration that is important to other family members (op and her dd) and a couple of other people, which their dad has celebrated before and planned to celebrate again with or without them. There will be food they can eat, even if they aren’t keen on all the options, and I’m sure op mentioned presents that day too? So over half the people there were always going to be celebrating and due to a change of plans at fairly short notice the SC are now being included too. It’s one day - and I’m sure for part of it they can go off and play with their new toys. I doubt op isn’t expecting them to spend all day with her, playing with her dd and entertaining her family- she simply wants them (for once) to fit in with pre-existing plans and eat a meal she has prepared - including British food - without any massive fuss, on a day that has religious and cultural importance to her. If I’m remembering the ages right (which tbh I’m probably not!) the oldest two are old enough to participate in a meal without having a tantrum about it and the youngest probably won’t even fully understand the meaning behind it, and will be happy as long as they get their second christmas.

And I agree, a visit from santa not on christmas eve seems ridiculous. And it makes complete sense to have the cousin's family in the room with a double bed. So what if SS sleeping arrangements change for a couple of nights - he's not the only one who will have different arrangements! It isn't as if he is being singled out, as everyone will be affected and maybe your DP could try and spin it as a christmas adventure? I hope that when they arrive, he sits them down and warns them again he won't tolerate any misbehaving - at least on monday! It wouldn't be fair for you or your family members to have a special day ruined, after rearranging and reorganising your plans to suit your SC and make them happy, because of their mother's wishes.

Also, I hope I'm not the only one getting really curious about which asian country this is - I know google will probably have the answer but that's just a bit weird isn't it? Though I have to say I probably wouldn't enjoy it all that much myself if there's lots of fish, as I'm not really a fan of seafood Hope you have a great new year, and things go as smoothly as possible. I'm hoping you'll return on Tuesday and say it all went brilliantly without any issues whatsover - I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

YANBU, although, as others said, I wouldn't put any blame at all on the children - they are acting out due to confusion, hurt, change and manipulation by their mother.

If the children are staying with you for a whole week why does 'fake Christmas' have to be over New Year when you've got a full house and your own festival to celebrate?

Why not do New Year as New Year on the 31st/1st then do 'Christmas' on the 2nd or 3rd?

That way, the children might feel less like their traditions and time with their dad has been usurped by you and your family (I'm not saying it has, I know it's not your fault and you''ve made amazing compromises - just seeing through the eyes of a resentful and slightly lost 11 year old)

Also agree with PP that you shouldn't fly to your country for New Year now as it would create a really awkward dynamic in your house without you there as the glue between the two families.

sprinkling - China celebrates New Year instead of Christmas. I think Japan might too.

I thought it would probably be one of them, (though I think chinese new year is slightly later), but didn't really want to look it up as it just feels a bit nosy ifykwim. I get the feeling op doesn't want to say in case it is outing which is completely understandable, so I personally feel like it would be a bit intrusive, even though I wasn't planning to say it on here. Not sure if that really makes any sense - my only excuse is that my brain's tired!

OP, considering the bashing you've had on here, I'm surprised you've not legged it!

FWIW, I don't think you are BU, you are doing everything you can in a difficult situation not of your making. I also don't get why they are having a 2nd Christmas which is trumping your traditions. You have a DD who is making memories of these occasions and it's not fair to have them spoilt by anyone. They are old enough to learn respect for other customs and I really hope you're all able to gel and have a lovely time together despite the issues of food etc. I'd love my children to have the chance to experience something like that.

That said, I would encourage your partner to really look at the situation in the New Year and see if any changes can be made to their relationship with him. It sounds like he really doesn't see them on a regular basis and I'm not sure you can be a 'blended' family when you're 'blending' so little. They've had no time to 'blend' with you or your customs before this big celebration. Naturally this will brew resentment in them. I understand you spending time together as a couple but why is he jetting off with you to your home country on several ( did I read that right?) occasions? Surely he doesn't need to go every time you do? Could he not use the time to take his DC away or spend time with them? Maybe build up to taking them with you? Sorry if I've missed any information and commented wrongly. I just feel that really the situation is set up for the mother to take advantage of and as they reach the teen years that may well cause irreparable damage to the relationship he should be fighting to keep with them.

He's been to my country with me twice this year. First time was for New Year last year- I can't remember the exact dates but he essentially had them for half the Christmas holidays before we went. He couldn't have had them in the other half as much as he wanted to because their mother also needs to spend time with them in the holidays. The second time we were gone for two weeks during term time, that was after he had moved in.

This year we have had them every half term break for the week, average one weekend every half term, half of Easter break, half of summer break and half of Christmas break. We see as much of them in the holidays as we can without taking time away from their mother.

So does he get lots of annual leave? Or is he using it up visiting the Far East and then unable to be off work in school hols to take his kids away? Fine if he is well off enough to take his kids on nice breaks on top of paying for expensive flights. He seems to spend lots of quality time with you and DD compared to his own kids.

OP - I agree entirely with DavidBeckhamsleftfoot

It is clear in this situation that you are doing everything you can to accommodate everybody in this scenario over New Year.

However, I have to say, overall I think your DPs children are quite rightly upset about the current arrangements of seeing their father. Your DP only seems to take responsibility for having his DC during school holiday periods which I do not think is acceptable. If he is only seeing them for half of the combined school holidays, that equals 7.5 weeks a year out of 52 weeks and then that 7.5 weeks isn't even exclusively with their dad - it is with you and your DD who see him 52 weeks a year.
I am really not having a go at you - just trying to break it down in simplest form as to just how little your DP is giving his DC.

OP you still insist stepfamilies dont behave in "certain ways" thats just a load of bollocks. The blended families I know have certainly taken the "blending" much slower than your family which often helps with the adjustments. Every post of yours reflects how you feel and what is acceptable to you and your DD. You do sound as if you would like to make sure everyone is happy but ultimately on your terms.
As I said earlier these kids will be feeling very insecure, they will act up and misbehave. It will be upsetting for them to know another child lives with their dad, the same dad who has moved across the country to be with his "new family"
Put yourself in their shoes rather than wanting it to be your way. I also understand how difficult it can be when the other parent changes arrangements but it sounds to me that this is how your future is going to be so you need to make arrangements which are transferable.

How can OP's partner have his children during term time, other than some weekends, considering the children live several hours away? It's not fair to expect them to travel for hours every other weekend.

When I moved 4-5 hours away from my ex, our son went to his for the weekend about every 6-7 weeks, and only spent about 1 whole week a year with his dad. (His dad was always working and wouldn't take the time off for any longer.)
These children still see their dad quite a lot considering the distance.

converse you really really sound as if you have an agenda, here.

The DC’s mother has fucked up. The DC’s father tried to do a nice thing to appease his ex? And has inadvertently fucked up too. OP a d the DC are essentially caught in the crossfire.

It sounds as if you’re doing the best you can with the hybrid plan. After it’s all over, it’s time for your DP to have a calm discussion with the SC’s mother about how chopping & changing arrangements at the last minute was actually really bad for the DC, and how can we avoid that happening again? If it ultimately means he always loses out in Christmas, then perhaps that’s what needs to happen?

This year, you’re all muddling through the best you can. I think it’s madness to have Santa come twice - how the heck do you maintain the “magic” for the 3 year old in that scenario? But that’s the DF’s call, and OP is trying to accommodate as best as possible.

Im sure it will all be fine and everyone will have a lovely time.

OPs said her DP lived only an hour away before he moved in with her. At that point he used to have his DC EOW. The DCs probably don't see it as fair that the amount of time they see their DF has decreased and now he sees OPs and her DD everyday instead.

I am not saying OP and her DP shouldn't have moved into together but I do think OP and DP have underestimated how big a deal it is to throw two big changes at the DC all at once - a new partner and child in the equation coupled with seeing their DF a lot less than before.

I am not saying OP and her DP shouldn't have moved into together but I do think OP and DP have underestimated how big a deal it is to throw two big changes at the DC all at once - a new partner and child in the equation coupled with seeing their DF a lot less than before.

True. But none of it fixes the immediate issue of the less-than-ideal arrangements for Christmas/NY, so everyone muddling through (OP, her DD and relatives, DSC and DP) as best as possible and then making plans for the future to avoid all this upset is really the only solution in the short-term. OP sounds as if they’ve really tried to accommodate everyone without completely kow-towing to requests to do everything to only suit half the people in the household at NY. Families = compromise. As long as everyone IS compromising then it’s the best you can do, and then plan better next time.

The only problem really was attempting to change plans last minute for ex’s benefit. The DC would have had it better in the first arrangement.

@NoSquirrels
my first post on this thread acknowledged the New Years situation by saying to the OP: It is clear in this situation that you are doing everything you can to accommodate everybody in this scenario over New Year.

I then stated my view of the situation between her DP and his DC overall - thanks.

Why does the DF only see his children in the holidays? That really cannot be described as a blended family....they are guests.

The OP's explained that distance means the DC can't come EOW plus. Am a bit baffled by the idea that instead of helping the children come to terms with the reality that their father has another LTR and being a part of that, that instead the children should be helped to stay in denial and maintain the separate relationship with their father.

Been there. Wouldn't have helped in the slightest. It's hard to accept that the relationship you were born into is over and hard to come to terms with change, but the longer OP and her DP put this off the harder it will be for the children to accept and settle into. This is their father's life, they are a part of it and they need to be present and spending time with OP and in that house to have a chance to settle in. OP is doing all she can here, this is not an ideal situation because of her and DP accomodating his ex (which was kind of them, they didn't have to), and she's very unfairly being berated left right and centre. Of the three adults in this situation she's the one with no power and no actual parental responsibility!

DSC are here. They have gone ice skating with their dad this afternoon and are having pasta for dinner, to reassure those posters who think the poor children are going to be force fed Asian food all week

Cousin and family arrive tomorrow. DSS has been given the choice of sharing with DSD1 or sharing with cousin's son in DD's room for Sunday and Monday nights. I suspect he will choose his sister but wanted him to have the final say. We have explained to them that we know the situation isn't ideal but cousin's family were due to stay in our house before plans had to be changed, and we couldn't uninvite them. DSS is going to decide by tomorrow morning.

To the posters asking why DP is a holiday dad. The distance is too far for them to come every weekend. DP often lived away for work purposes while he and their mother were married, he moved to my part of the country before we got together because of work. I appreciate there is an extra emotive layer with me being involved, but just to give a sense of the dynamic. We can't move closer. They can't visit EOW. This is the only option.

DSCs have had two weeks abroad with DP this year while DD and I were in Japan. They have also spent time with their dad and with me in the school holidays, and with DD and me visiting my family. I think that's a pretty good balance.

I am not asking them to convert to my religion. I am asking them to eat Asian food for one meal out of a week, at which milder less "Asian" options will be available, on the biggest festival of the year for DD and me.

I agree the visit should never have been moved to this week. I will be talking to DP about getting a proper court order in place as I think that's what it boils down to. DP agreed to swap when ex pulled the couldn't bear Christmas without the kids card because she threatened to not let him see them all Christmas period card. I did not create this situation, I'm just trying to pick up the pieces within what's realistic. I cannot uninvite family due to be staying in our house. I cannot move New Year Festival. I cannot convert to Christianity overnight. Their mother insists Christmas must be this weekend for reasons I will not question because it will get me nowhere. The best option I can see is what we are doing.