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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry at friend about abortion and the situation she’s put me in?

322 replies

BornInSydneyy · 26/12/2017 11:07

My friend has had numerous abortions. All with the sane boyfriend .., I’m guessing about 8 at this point.

I try not to judge because I’m very pro choice. But I don’t agree with abortion as a form of contraception .. it’s very conflicting.

She’s now lied to family members that I’ve gone with her to support her during the abortion and I’ve had her family messaging me about it ... this all happened in the space of 10 minutes! ... I’m so angry. I want nothing to do with the lies, aibu?

OP posts:
Trb17 · 26/12/2017 11:09

Your friends choices are her own to make. However she should not include you in her lies nor ask you to support them.

I would not lie for someone in these circumstances.

ferntwist · 26/12/2017 11:09

YANBU. That’s disgraceful behaviour. She’s also putting her future chances of having a child at risk.

Finola1step · 26/12/2017 11:11

I would message back with a "There seems to have been some confusion somewhere along the line. Although I know of the situation, I have not at any time accompanied her to any clinic. Hope that clears up the confusion. Please do not contact me on this matter again as it really is none of my business".

Then block their numbers.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 26/12/2017 11:11

Telling lies is not acceptable.

But her choices are her own business

Ginpasta · 26/12/2017 11:12

I would have a word with her about not involving you in her lies. It's putting you in an awkward position, she's an adult & needs to take responsibility for herself xx

LoniceraJaponica · 26/12/2017 11:13

8 Shock!!!

I get that sometimes there is an accident, but 8 is just being careless. Surely some medical professional at some point should have given her advice about contraception.

Reallytired17 · 26/12/2017 11:15

Are you angry about the lie, or the terminations?

Because if, say, she’d lied and said you had gone with her to help her with her Tesco shop and you hadn’t, would you feel this annoyed?

OnTheRise · 26/12/2017 11:19

Finola is right.

SendintheArdwolves · 26/12/2017 11:20

It is entirely inappropriate for her family to contact you and want to ask you about your friend/their DD's abortions. You should absolutely refuse to discuss it, even to confirm or deny any details.

I would say you should talk to your friend and ask her not to lie about you, but I think the big problem here is that, although you "try not to judge" and are pro-choice, you are deeply uncomfortable with your friend having eight abortions.

(Personally, I don't think there is a number of abortions that is "too many" and I don't have a problem with abortion as contraception. To me, abortions don't have a moral dimension, and since there is nothing wrong with having one abortion, I don't understand what's wrong with having ten. But that's just me and I understand that other people feel differently.)

You can be angry with your friend for lying, but be careful when you confront her, because what you are really angry about is her making her family think you approve of her choices, AND YOU DON'T.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 26/12/2017 11:21

Why are you friends with someone who'd do this?

Original poster
BornInSydneyy · 26/12/2017 11:21

Because if, say, she’d lied and said you had gone with her to help her with her Tesco shop and you hadn’t, would you feel this annoyed?

You can hardly compare as going to have an abortion kind of carries a few more risks than going to to Tesco’s Hmm

I don’t like being put in a situation where I’m told to lie to people.

OP posts:
IHaveBrilloHair · 26/12/2017 11:23

100% what sendin says

Reallytired17 · 26/12/2017 11:24

I’m not comparing Confused but for your purposes, I was asking what you were annoyed about: the lie, or the abortion?

If you were annoyed because you don’t like liars, that’s one thing, but if you’re actually angry with her for terminating her pregnancy and involving you in it then that’s a bit different.

Trb17 · 26/12/2017 11:24

The text Finola put above is perfect reply:

Although I know of the situation, I have not at any time accompanied her to any clinic. Hope that clears up the confusion. Please do not contact me on this matter again as it really is none of my business".

Please send this as otherwise you’re condoning her lies.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 26/12/2017 11:24

Do whatMyBrillantDisguse ?

Have abortions or lie? Two entirely different questions.

The abortions are her business, the lying is now OP's business.

greendale17 · 26/12/2017 11:25

Personally, I don't think there is a number of abortions that is "too many" and I don't have a problem with abortion as contraception.

^WTF???????

Original poster
BornInSydneyy · 26/12/2017 11:25

because what you are really angry about is her making her family think you approve of her choices, AND YOU DON'T.

Confused no it isn’t.

I couldn’t care less what her family think of me.

Again I don’t like being put in a situation where I have to lie about something serious. If she’s asked me to go with her then I would have gone.

OP posts:
DeleteOrDecay · 26/12/2017 11:26

I would message back with a "There seems to have been some confusion somewhere along the line. Although I know of the situation, I have not at any time accompanied her to any clinic. Hope that clears up the confusion. Please do not contact me on this matter again as it really is none of my business".

This is perfect. Also tell your friend not to involve you in her lies to her family.

RoseWhiteTips · 26/12/2017 11:29

Hmm. Has this person not heard of birth control? This behaviour is not good for her body nor her head.

I judge her.

Reallytired17 · 26/12/2017 11:29

I agree with send re abortions. A woman can have as many as she wants as far as I’m concerned. Better to use contraception, but much better that eight terminations have happened than eight babies born to someone who didn’t want them, isn’t it?

Want2bSupermum · 26/12/2017 11:29

If any friend of mine had 8 abortions while with the same boyfriend I would be asking a lot of questions and be very concerned for my friend. No one goes for 8 abortions unless there is something very wrong. I would be so worried that my friend was in an abusive relationship or mentally unwell.

RoseWhiteTips · 26/12/2017 11:30

greendale17

Personally, I don't think there is a number of abortions that is "too many" and I don't have a problem with abortion as contraception.

^WTF???????

Ignore. Someone is just playing devil’s advocate. Tiresome.

SendintheArdwolves · 26/12/2017 11:30

Sorry if that shocks you, greendale17 but it's how I feel - an abortion is a legal, morally acceptable choice for a woman to make.

The only reason I can think of for objecting to multiple abortions is if you secretly think that abortion IS wrong, but that women should be allowed one get-out-of-jail-free card, then after that they've used that up, they ought to go through with the pregnancy as punishment for not learning their lesson.

Basically if one abortion is OK, then a) at what point do they stop being OK (second? Third? Tenth?) and what is it that happens in subsequent abortions that make it wrong that wasn't present the first time?

Reallytired17 · 26/12/2017 11:31

Exactly, sendin

It’s like ‘oh, it’s okay to have an abortion if you have been raped.’

Nonsense!

Branleuse · 26/12/2017 11:32

I agree with Sendin.