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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Angry at friend about abortion and the situation she’s put me in?

322 replies

BornInSydneyy · 26/12/2017 11:07

My friend has had numerous abortions. All with the sane boyfriend .., I’m guessing about 8 at this point.

I try not to judge because I’m very pro choice. But I don’t agree with abortion as a form of contraception .. it’s very conflicting.

She’s now lied to family members that I’ve gone with her to support her during the abortion and I’ve had her family messaging me about it ... this all happened in the space of 10 minutes! ... I’m so angry. I want nothing to do with the lies, aibu?

OP posts:
Looneytune253 · 26/12/2017 13:14

Just to stick up for @lalliella she didn’t use the phrase baby killer you’re all just twisting it that way. She doesn’t agree with abortion and that’s ok. 8 abortion’s is pretty over the top.

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 26/12/2017 13:14

Why do you have a problem with the number of abortions she has had? Is it because on some level you think abortion is wrong? I can see how it might annoy you that she might be ‘wasting tax payers money’ or something but at the end of the day it IS a free service which should be accessible by all. Does make me wonder why the NHS is always so reluctant to do sterilisation women though!

Abortion is quite something sensitive and I can understand why you may need to ask a good friend to lie for you to avoid answering difficult questions.

Fitbitironic · 26/12/2017 13:14

I read that as judging of 8 abortions, which I would probably do too, though possibly not for the same reasons. I certainly wouldn't call someone who had an abortion a baby killer. I didn't actually think the judging bit linked. I still don't read it as pp calling other ppl baby killers, though can see how it could be construed that way.
As I said, ppl read things differently into what's there, probably greatly influenced by our own experiences.

Ellisandra · 26/12/2017 13:15

Oh I don't think @lalliella deliberately set out to offend - but that doesn't mean she was offensive, none the less.

When my MIL told me she didn't like to get a minicab because she thinks darkies and Arabs aren't trustworthy, she's wasn't actually deliberately trying to offend them - after all, they weren't in her lounge.
It was still offensive.

Fitbitironic · 26/12/2017 13:15

But I'm not going to get into an argument about it.

Bluelonerose · 26/12/2017 13:16

If she's going to the same place have the doctors not picked up how many she's had and be offering advice?

ThunderboltsLightning · 26/12/2017 13:16

Also pro choice but cannot fathom the logic of 8 abortions. Why wouldn't the couple be using any form of contraception? Even MAP?

I get the theoretical argument that there isn't a 'maximum number of abortions allowed' but having had 2 MMCs and subsequent terminations to remove the pregnancy, it's not a process I would like to repeat, and so I can't understand why anyone would find this preferable to contraception

formerbabe · 26/12/2017 13:22

Better to have the baby and give it to a childless couple

What a load of shit.

People who can conceive don't owe anything to those who can't. Sorry if that sounds harsh but there it is. Unless you think women should be reduced to nothing more than incubators for infertile couples?

Reallytired17 · 26/12/2017 13:29

“Give it to a childless couple’

Spot the person with no clue about adoption.

Weezol · 26/12/2017 13:30

I would do exactly what Finola said. Do not get drawn in to the family - if they have concerns they need to address them with her, not you.
Send the text and block them.

Coyoacan · 26/12/2017 13:38

I understand the pain of people who struggle to conceive, but is it really a good idea to bring children into the world who will not be loved or properly looked after?

I'm pro-abortion from the point of view of the children. There are far too many neglected and miserable children out there, why force a woman to have a baby she doesn't want?

IsaSchmisa · 26/12/2017 13:46

The suffering of people who struggle to conceive is both very real and entirely irrelevant to the issue here. Other women's bodies don't have anything to do with OPs friend.

Laliella's point is no more logical, or less cunty, than it would be to bring those women who are forced to conceive into the argument. The Central Asian women denied access to contraception mentioned by a previous poster, or those kept as sex slaves by ISIS, or those raped during the Bosnian genocide to try and ensure they produced part Serbian children, would likely be grateful not to have been fertile, because their fertility made them suffer more. That doesn't mean women struggling with the pain of infertility should be grateful, or temper their behaviour or attitudes, because other women would like to be in their shoes. Anyone suggesting this would be roundly and rightly condemned as a piece of shit. Yet this logic is no different.

swingofthings · 26/12/2017 13:49

I'm not again abortions per se, I fail to understand why with all that is in place, people can't be responsible enough to prevent it in the first place but this I don't understand what's wrong with having ten. is just shocking, not from a moral stand, but a cost one.

An abortion depending on gestation stage cost between about £300 and over £3,000.

My OH desperately try for a baby without success. Unfortunately it turned out that the issue wasn't with me but him, however, because I had already had a child, we were not elligible for NHS funding on IVF. We debated long whether to pay privately, but the chances of success due to my age were low and we would have had to invest close to £10K for less than 20% chance. So we didn't.

To say that it is ok to have 10 abortions that is the cost of one IVF cycle at the least, potentially up to 10 is a complete insult to those who can't have kids. Have your 10 abortions if that's you choice, but why should tax payers pay for your lack of prevention?

harrietsoton · 26/12/2017 13:55

I don’t care if someone has had 8 or 80 abortions, but at a certain point surely contraception should be considered? Easier for everyone involved really.

Reallytired17 · 26/12/2017 13:56

it would cost a lot more for taxpayers to pay for the child, swing

formerbabe · 26/12/2017 13:58

To say that it is ok to have 10 abortions that is the cost of one IVF cycle at the least, potentially up to 10 is a complete insult to those who can't have kids

Strange logic.

IMightMentionGriddlebone · 26/12/2017 14:06

Tell your friend you've received some odd texts and her family think you went to the clinic with her when you didn't. Have a conversation about it.

I am completely and utterly pro-choice, and my position isn't conditional on a minimal number of terminations. However, in your position, I would be very concerned about your friend. This kind of situation simply does not happen unless something else is seriously wrong. She may be mentally unwell and want to get pregnant but the most likely issue is with her boyfriend. She's not getting pregnant on her own. No decent man would see his partner have to terminate an unwanted pregnancy once, never mind twice and be okay about her going through that again. He would be using condoms.

You can still be pro-choice and be concerned about your friend.

AnUtterIdiot · 26/12/2017 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/12/2017 14:13

I’m as pro choice as they come but I would be genuinely concerned about your friend rather than angry with her. 8 abortion’s is not the norm by any stretch.

CaledonianQueen · 26/12/2017 14:15

I personally do not agree with abortion as a form of contraception. I respect that there are situations where it is necessary and I don't think abortion should be banned, but I do think it should be something that happens as a last resort. Pregnancy is avoidable, there are numerous birth control options, which the op's friend could have used. Several of which her partner would not have needed to use condoms for. I understand accidents happen but I do think abortion should be seen as an absolute last resort that was regretfully needed.

I could not physically abort my own child. And I consider myself carrying a baby as soon as I know I am pregnant. When I was bleeding at five weeks, I went to pieces, because I desperately wanted the little one inside me, thankfully she wasn't lost, she had a wonderful time yesterday opening her Christmas presents.

Whether people like it or not, from 5- 6 weeks you can see a foetal heartbeat, a little life has been created. The little lives mean something to those Mothers who have lost their babies to miscarriage. They lived for a short while and then they died. With them died all of the dreams that their Mother or Father had for them.

I feel it is important to respect life, to recognise that an abortion is ending a life. The fact remains that if the abortion didn't take place, then there would be another human being born on this earth. I think it is dangerous to dehumanise the little life that is growing inside a woman during pregnancy. It results in completely selfish behaviour like that of the op's friend! Who is absurdly careless and expects the nhs to pay repeatedly because she couldn't be bothered using contraception!

(She is unfortunately not alone, I knew a woman of 19 who at that point had had four abortions and continued to have unprotected sex because she 'hated' condoms and didn't like swallowing tablets. She told me that the hospital had told her after her fourth abortion she would have to pay for another abortion herself. I believe they actually did try to charge her, as she kept her next pregnancy. This was seventeen years ago however and in a Scottish trust area, so perhaps the rules on such things have changed)

The op's friend is treating living beings like a piece of rubbish you can just discard eight times!! The op has not mentioned any sign of abuse, in fact, she herself sounds annoyed at her friend's selfish behaviour! I may be reading into things wrong here, but it reads to me that the op's friend has dehumanised the lives she created. Abortion to her is just a form of contraception. I am not saying that everyone who goes through abortion is doing that, many women go through absolute turmoil, before coming to the decision to abort! They realise the enormity of their decision, many of them will think about that decision for the rest of their lives! To me that is important! Yes, there was a necessity to end that little life, but he/she did exist and it is right that they are thought of now and then!

Reallytired17 · 26/12/2017 14:17

So you don’t agree with abortions Caledonian and that’s fine, you don’t have to have one. Other people do.

TheRottweiler · 26/12/2017 14:18

Personally couldn't give a toss how many babies a female see's fit to abort....as long as she is personally paying for them, she can abort till her body can't take any more.

This reminds me someone I once knew that had 5 abortions in as many years. She then decided that she was ready to let a baby survive. Her body/nature had other ideas. She is still childless and is as miserable as fuck.

I also agree that if a female is not responsible enough to take contraception then she is also not responsible enough to have a baby.

But I definitely resent my contributions to the NHS being used to give females countless abortions simply because they bloody want one.

momjeansep · 26/12/2017 14:18

She should be sterilised.

TheRottweiler · 26/12/2017 14:24

Really...

When you say 'have to have one'........what do you mean by that?

GoReylo · 26/12/2017 14:25

Don't collude in a lie, but then keep your own morals to yourself. Perhaps your friend can't use most forms of contraception, perhaps she is in an abusive relationship. Abortions are not fun.

There must be a reason why she has decided on a string of abortions instead of taking the pill, and I hope someone is trying to understand what is going on, instead of just moralizing at her.

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