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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Angry at friend about abortion and the situation she’s put me in?

322 replies

BornInSydneyy · 26/12/2017 11:07

My friend has had numerous abortions. All with the sane boyfriend .., I’m guessing about 8 at this point.

I try not to judge because I’m very pro choice. But I don’t agree with abortion as a form of contraception .. it’s very conflicting.

She’s now lied to family members that I’ve gone with her to support her during the abortion and I’ve had her family messaging me about it ... this all happened in the space of 10 minutes! ... I’m so angry. I want nothing to do with the lies, aibu?

OP posts:

Winebottle · 26/12/2017 12:51

Abortion is a difficult moral problem. I think those who think it is okay to use it as a form of contraception are in the minority.

The majority of people are uncomfortable with it morally but understand it is a choice and, in certain circumstances, is the best option.

8 abortions irresponsible.

Fitbitironic · 26/12/2017 12:52

No person should ever call another person a baby killer on this site.
That's not exactly what she said though, was it?

TheLegendOfBeans · 26/12/2017 12:53

@Borninsydneyy

I’m going to make assumptions here but I suspect your anger is borne of concern and upset for your friend. I suspect she’s using you as a human shield to deflect the family’s disapproval.

To me, eight abortions makes me think that she is in a seriously abusive situation where she is not being given a choice to use contraception and her “D”P expects her to use abortion as the solution to “her problem” when it arises.

Alternatively she could have such utterly destroyed self esteem that she sees the repeat abortions as a means to an end - namely getting the intimacy and “love” she craves through sex but having to terminate these pregnancies as an unfortunate by product of her need to feel loved and wanted.

I am very pro choice but struggle to believe that anyone who has 8 abortions is not in need of some kind of mental health support. These are procedures demanding on body and mind. I also point blank don’t believe a caring partner would allow the circumstances to give rise to repeat abortions either.

Yes YANBU to feel angry. I would too. And strongly suspect abuse is at the heart of this, whether in the past, or present - likely both.

for you. All you can do is try and be extremely patient. You sound like a mate.

wherethevioletsgrow · 26/12/2017 12:54

lalliella another report for your horrible, horrible post. YOU are the one who should be ashamed of yourself, not women who have had an abortion.

wherethevioletsgrow · 26/12/2017 12:55

That's not exactly what she said though, was it?

It is more or less word for word what she said, Fitbit

user838383 · 26/12/2017 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeyRoly · 26/12/2017 12:57

I agree with Send. And let's be honest, someone as irresponsible as the OP's friend has actually made the right choice to terminate. Surely that's better than bringing eight unwanted children into the world and parenting them irresponsibly?

KurriKurri · 26/12/2017 12:57

TheLegendofBeans - that's what I was trying to get across in my post, I totally agree with you - the situation is raisng red flags all over the place for me - I would be very concerned for this woman, I worry very much about what is going on here.

Fitbitironic · 26/12/2017 12:59

As far as I recall, op said she saw it as killing a baby... Which is her opinion and she is entitled to it. She certainly didn't say verbatim... If you have an abortion you are a baby killer... Subtle difference, but the difference is there.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 26/12/2017 12:59

Regardless of any other debate, the op's friend seems to be in a pattern of behaviour that can't be healthy. I think you maybe do need to admit to her family that you weren't with her. So that they can support her, and you can continue to do the same.

Ellisandra · 26/12/2017 12:59

@fitbitironic "abortion is killing a baby"

I don't think I'm twisting words to say that @lalliella is calling women who have abortions baby killers.

This is not the place for it.
Either this thread or MN in general - unless there is a thread debating abortion specifically asking for opinions.

Fitbitironic · 26/12/2017 13:00

Doh, not op, pp said it. Damn autocorrect.

verystressedmum · 26/12/2017 13:02

I’ve also had 2 miscarriages of very much wanted babies but am totally pro choice. My sister has had 2 abortions and I couldn’t care less it was her choice.

Totally agree with Send, it’s no ones business what she does with her life and how many abortions she has. The only people it should concern is the doctors.

wherethevioletsgrow · 26/12/2017 13:02

Fitbit, but she also said:

I would totally judge her and I don’t care if I get flamed on here for saying it.

So it's clearly not just about her own personal beliefs.

Ellisandra · 26/12/2017 13:03

@fitbitironic I do disagree with you that it's a subtle difference - it's a difference phrase but it doesn't materially change the accusation.

If I posted on here "to me, people who buy lots of Xmas presents for their kids are chavs" it wouldn't make it any less offensive.

She can't hide behind that.

The problem is not her having an opinion, it's that she's expressing it in an inappropriate place - a place where a large number of readers will have been through abortion and many will likely have had mixed feelings about it.

Fitbitironic · 26/12/2017 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn because it quoted a deleted post.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 26/12/2017 13:05

Text them bk the truth

GoReylo · 26/12/2017 13:06

Better to have the baby and give it to a childless couple

Why don't you have a series of babies and give them to childless couples if it's that easy?

I've known two women who died in childbirth, and a lot more who could potentially have died, me included. You can spend every year of your fertile life making babies to put up for adoption if you like - I don't care - but don't tell other people what's "better" for them to do.

Lizzie48 · 26/12/2017 13:06

I do understand why someone like lalliella would react the way she did, a thread like this is very triggering for her. I'm speaking as someone else who has gone through infertility and failed IVF, before finally adopted. And I also went through a pregnancy as a teenager as a result of SA.

But it's nevertheless not on to call a woman a 'baby killer' for going through an abortion. Sometimes that decision has to be made, and in my view, it would be worse if the OP's friend gave birth to 8 babies that had to go through the care system, which is in effect what my DDs' birth mum has been doing. Adoption doesn't cure all, the child is still badly damaged as a result.

Ellisandra · 26/12/2017 13:07

We have to agree to disagree then @fitbitironic

I really don't think that putting "to me" in front of a phrase means you can say something offensive.

Fitbitironic · 26/12/2017 13:08

She didn't say ' to me, ppl who have an abortion are baby killers' though, so your chat example doesn't stand.
We are obviously reading it in a different way, each to their own opinion on that then. I guess it will be clear if she comes back to clarify. Until then, you read it your way and I'll read it mine.

Ellisandra · 26/12/2017 13:09

That's fine - as I said, we'll agree to disagree.

Fitbitironic · 26/12/2017 13:10

I didn't read it as that she had deliberately tried to say something offensive, rather that she was pointing out it was her personal opinion, not necessarily that of others.

Mumof56 · 26/12/2017 13:10

Having 8 abortions sounds like she has a God complex and mental health issues.

wherethevioletsgrow · 26/12/2017 13:11

fitbit why did you leave out the start of the quote which was 'I would judge her' followed by 'to me, abortion is killing a baby'?? That makes it pretty clear that Iallyella applies those standards to others, not just herself.

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