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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL has mental health issues

178 replies

Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 08:21

Back story: in the beginning SIL and I were okay with each other, she lives across the big pond so visits were about once a year.
Then I had a miscarriage at a late stage, was deeply traumatised. At the same time, she went behind my back and said to DH to dump me because I had told his mother that before the miscarriage we had a big row and DH slammed the door loudly and I got shocked and started bleeding.

They (MIL and SIL) said what I said was horrible about her brother and I deserved to lose the baby (SIL) said so.
Since then I had only seen her once. This was years ago.

Fast forward 4 years, I got pregnant with DD now 3 and DS now 8 months. SIL has never once got in touch and been silent whenever I write to her on her DS’s birthday and during Christmas. I feel I should mend our relationship for the sake of DH as he’s very close to his sister growing up.

So MIL has never met our DCs as she always made excuses not to meet them. SIL met DD once as a baby as was not that interested. DH has two DSs from previous and she dots over them.

Anyway on Christmas eve I sent an email to her saying Merry Christmas to her and her DS, wishing them a nice holiday. And told her she’s welcome to skype our DCs.

She wrote back with spite. Saying she dies not want to get to know our DCs because I’m their mother and that she feels sorry for my DH because he has me. That it’s inappropriate to wish her a merry Christmas as her DM is terminally ill. Then she added “ i want no contact”.

DH was deeply hurt by her email as she copied him in it.

They always had a good relationship despite being far away from each other, but it seems she now closed the door to him as well.
He’s hurt she wants nothing to do with our DCs. His mother already did the same but DH thinks it’s forgivable because MIL is old and ill. But SIL isn’t old nor ill so shouldn’t shut his children out like that.

We’ve decided not to send DHs kids to her anymore as we’ve done in the past two summers. Because she seems to have poisoned their minds about me as well.
Plus we don’t want our children to feel left out once they’re older.

Is she mentally ill or what?

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 26/12/2017 08:24

Not everyone who is a twat is mentally ill Hmm.
She IS a twat though.

AfunaMbatata · 26/12/2017 08:24

Maybe she’s just not a nice person.

sofato5miles · 26/12/2017 08:25

She sounds unhinged. Leave her to it and ignore her.

Sorry for your traumatic loss.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 08:25

Stepsons haven’t said anything to us about her but in SIL’s email she said they agree with her about me. But strangely my stepsons contact me weekly and sending me pictures and we talk on WhatsApp etc. we have a cordial relationship with each other (they live in another country).

OP posts:
Reflexella · 26/12/2017 08:35

This is not mental illness it is twattery. Twattery cannot be cured by medicine.

Stop reaching out, she enjoys swiping at you. Concentrate on your children.

Mil will die and she will no longer have an ally

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 09:06

I guess i just struggle in my head how someone can be so spiteful to cut off their toddler/infant niece and nephew and to write such evil email on Christmas eve!

OP posts:
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 26/12/2017 09:16

Do you realise that assuming every mean spirited twat has mental health problems is actually quite damaging to the people who do? They are already dealing with enough stigma to have every single nasty behaviour pinned on a condition they have.

Your SIL has no mental health problems but hate. She hates you and you cannot expect a person who hates you to be nice to you anf your children because hate is all about destruction.

The only thing you can do about it is to reduce the damage she causes. so stop contact altogether , nothing but more hurt will come of it and your main responsibility is to protect your family from the damage she might cause.

You can only play happy families with people who like you or respect you. This is a game you shouldn’t play with someone full of hate.

fassbendersmistress · 26/12/2017 09:17

Could you explain the link between her behaviour and mental illness please? Which mental illness do you think she has? People like you, using the phrase mental illness like this, are part of the reason there is such stigma around it.

Dozer · 26/12/2017 09:22

Your OP suggests you have prejudices about MH issues.

Is there more backstory: has SIL always disliked you?

Very sorry about your late mc. But if you did suggested to MIL that your argument with DH could have been a factor in that then I’m not surprised your SIL was pissed off. That doesn’t justify her behaviour though.

Dozer · 26/12/2017 09:23

If SIL said you deserved to lose the baby I wouldn’t want any contact with her anyway.

Glumglowworm · 26/12/2017 09:25

YABU, mental health problems do not equal acting like a dick and it’s offensive to imply they do

YANBU to think she’s a total dick who has acting in a very hurtful way to you, DH and your DC.

harrietsoton · 26/12/2017 09:30

I’m just a bit confused because she said that you deserved your miscarriage (unforgivable!) and generally treats you with such vitriol and yet you’re still trying to get in touch with her? Respect yourself please

Honestly stop sending cards and emails - she has said ‘no contact’, and to be frank I don’t think she deserves you trying to extend an olive branch anyway. You’re better off without her.

She hates you for whatever reason. I would expect her to try and twist your husband around onto her side too. She doesn’t deserve your respect or contact, or your children

isittimetogotobed · 26/12/2017 09:30

I'm very sorry for your loss

Did you really tell your mil that you lost your baby because your partner slammed a door? If someone said that about my brother I would be upset too.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 09:30

Like I said we were okay at first but after the miscarriage she turned it around then she was just full of spite.

DH told her off when DD was young when we went to visit (the one time I saw her after the miscarriage). She had ordered more wine and sat around drinking whilst DD was cranky and crying as it was past her sleeping time. We were visiting so at the mercy of her driving us. DH got pissed off SIL didn’t think of DD and that I was carrying DD around for over an hour while she cried outside the restaurant (i said nothing as didn’t want to cause a scene ). At no point did SIL suggest we go back to her house. She just sat around. After that episode she hated me even more, because she sees it as I caused DH to scold at her.
She thinks I’m not good enough for her brother.

Yes I suggested he might have caused the miscarriage, which wasn’t that far offas we went through a lot of stresses and we rowed a lot during that time and he wasn’t that considerate of me being pregnant. He’s better now.

OP posts:
harrietsoton · 26/12/2017 09:32

Also it’s not your job to mend the relationship - it’s between DH & SIL. Stop contacting her.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 09:34

I just think if things happened years ago, it should be buried and moved on as it’s his family. I don’t want DH to be miserable and missing his sister, but it seems she has now forever closed that door. She’s just waiting for us to divorce.
She was like that to DH’s first wife too. They didn’t get along for whatever reason.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 26/12/2017 09:36

Yes I suggested he might have caused the miscarriage

But did he? If not I can’t blame your SIL for hating you

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 09:38

Sorry if I offended anyone re mental health issues. But I just can’t explain how she can act this way. Am thinking perhaps she’s depressed (i know she’s been according to DH) or undiagnosed bipolar or narc?

OP posts:
isittimetogotobed · 26/12/2017 09:39

I think there is bad blood between you and you sent an email wishing her a 'Merry christmas' to provoke her knowing that her mother is terminally ill and now you are trying to justify your behaviour because she has called you out on it

You told her and her mother that your husband caused their sad passing of a baby.... that is a cruel thing to say and I would struggle to 'get on with you'

PsychedelicSheep · 26/12/2017 09:40

What you said was completely ridiculous and I can see why they were pissed off, so you do have to take some responsibility here.

She hasn’t behaved brilliantly either. Neither of you sound like a picnic tbh.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 09:40

Greendale, I was very fragile at the time. So I did accuse DH of causing the miscarriage because I was under so much stress. He had work issues so was in a really foul mood every day. We would row every day, he’d slam doors (more than once), bang the table with his bare hand to scare me into silence, cornering me, punch the wall next to me..

OP posts:
MyNewBearTotoro · 26/12/2017 09:44

I think I would find it pretty awful if my DB’s partner accused him of causing a miscarriage. Unless that’s been confirmed by a medical professional what a horrible thing to accuse your partner of! He lost a child too and how hard it must have been for him to have you blaming him on top of the grief he must have felt at the miscarriage. To be honest I can see why his family don’t like you, I’m sorry for your loss but you sound like very hard work and I don’t think I would want anything to do with someone who was cruel enough to put the blame for a miscarriage on someone else (unless there was medical proof).

isittimetogotobed · 26/12/2017 09:44

Nice drip feed
So punching the wall next to you didn't cause any issues but slamming a door did?

There sounds like so big issues going on here and I don't think it's your sil that is the problem

It sounds like she saw what an unhealthy relationship this was and told her brother that you shouldn't be together, which sounds like good advice

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 26/12/2017 09:44

God help you.

You say

We would row every day, he’d slam doors (more than once), bang the table with his bare hand to scare me into silence, cornering me, punch the wall next to me

And yet you stayed WITH him and went on to get pregnant twice more???

Glumglowworm · 26/12/2017 09:45

Please stop trying to pin her dickish behaviour on MH issues. Some people are just horrible people.

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