To think SIL has mental health issues

[Vanessatiger]

Back story: in the beginning SIL and I were okay with each other, she lives across the big pond so visits were about once a year.
Then I had a miscarriage at a late stage, was deeply traumatised. At the same time, she went behind my back and said to DH to dump me because I had told his mother that before the miscarriage we had a big row and DH slammed the door loudly and I got shocked and started bleeding.

They (MIL and SIL) said what I said was horrible about her brother and I deserved to lose the baby (SIL) said so.
Since then I had only seen her once. This was years ago.

Fast forward 4 years, I got pregnant with DD now 3 and DS now 8 months. SIL has never once got in touch and been silent whenever I write to her on her DS’s birthday and during Christmas. I feel I should mend our relationship for the sake of DH as he’s very close to his sister growing up.

So MIL has never met our DCs as she always made excuses not to meet them. SIL met DD once as a baby as was not that interested. DH has two DSs from previous and she dots over them.

Anyway on Christmas eve I sent an email to her saying Merry Christmas to her and her DS, wishing them a nice holiday. And told her she’s welcome to skype our DCs.

She wrote back with spite. Saying she dies not want to get to know our DCs because I’m their mother and that she feels sorry for my DH because he has me. That it’s inappropriate to wish her a merry Christmas as her DM is terminally ill. Then she added “ i want no contact”.

DH was deeply hurt by her email as she copied him in it.

They always had a good relationship despite being far away from each other, but it seems she now closed the door to him as well.
He’s hurt she wants nothing to do with our DCs. His mother already did the same but DH thinks it’s forgivable because MIL is old and ill. But SIL isn’t old nor ill so shouldn’t shut his children out like that.

We’ve decided not to send DHs kids to her anymore as we’ve done in the past two summers. Because she seems to have poisoned their minds about me as well.
Plus we don’t want our children to feel left out once they’re older.

Is she mentally ill or what?

You’re DH doesn’t sound much better either. And you suggested that he caused your MC?!

You all sound toxic to me.

Yes I suggested he might have caused the miscarriage, which wasn’t that far offas we went through a lot of stresses and we rowed a lot during that time and he wasn’t that considerate of me being pregnant

So the truth is you accused your SILs brother of causing your miscarriage, but you somehow still expect her to want to be in touch with you and be friendly.

You need to own your actions here. She doesn't want to be in touch and I expect it's probably driven a wedge in the relationship with her brother too. She's probably taken the view she'd distance herself from the whole situation.

'Sorry if I offended anyone re mental health issues. But I just can’t explain how she can act this way. Am thinking perhaps she’s depressed (i know she’s been according to DH) or undiagnosed bipolar or narc?'

Please stop now with your armchair diagnoses of varying mental health conditions/personality disorders.

I think she holds massive resentment due to the blame you placed on your dh for the miscarriage you sadly suffered.

I feel her side of story may be completely different.

However she sounds cold. I'd let your DH make any decisions and choose to attempt relationships with his family if he wishes to.

His DM sounds very Ill. Maybe cut SIL some slack there. I'd however not personally contact her again as she has requested.

It's up to your DH as to his Ds's visiting. I really wouldn't involve myself in their relationship with SIL etc.

From this OP of course she sounds awful. So awful that I can't help but feel there is another side to this. And it may well not justify what she's done but at the moment she appears to have no motivation at all, just to be inherently evil for no reason....which is unlikely.

Of course I apologised for accusing him about it.. though in my mind I’m thinking he might have caused it but I couldn’t be sure

I think she holds massive resentment due to the blame you placed on your dh for the miscarriage you sadly suffered.

I agree, and I suspect there may be more to it as well.

I don't really like the determination to paint her as a sick and evil lunatic. It's rarely that simple. If the issue is indeed anger at you blaming your husband for the tragedy, but you prefer to see it as her being sick, I expect there is yet more in the back story.

What do you think she'd tell us?

Well I’m not sure blaming your dH for your miscarriage because he slammed a door would have gone down well with his family...

Of course I apologised for accusing him about it.. though in my mind I’m thinking he might have caused it but I couldn’t be sure

He might have caused it? Of fuck off to the far side of fuck. What a horrible thing to think about your husband, the man you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with and tryfor chikdren with.

What do you think she'd tell us?

This is definitely one of those threads where I suspect the other side of the story would be vastly different.

I am very sorry for your loss, I have been there myself and there can be dark times. I know you may have a deep desire to reason why your miscarriage happened but stress isn't a cause, or no babies would be born in war zones or other traumatic times. I can sympathise with your SIL thinking you are spiteful or cruel suggesting it as I've raged and been upset by people suggesting I caused my miscarriage by stressing and not 'taking it easy'.

Your dh sounds like he has a short temper at the very very least and that you'd all willing drink drive or drive with drunkards paints you all in a very poor, irresponsible and selfish light. Rural or not. My family is rural, there's a certain selfish complacency around drink driving until, without fail, someone is badly injured on one of the country roads. Thankfully they aren't that mentality and always have a designated driver.

Your SIL also sounds unpleasant. I can understand her not wanting much to do with you but not her brothers dc. I'm not sure there is a happy resolution here with SIL but going forward you both (dh and you) need to change your drink driving mentality and own your own mistakes.

I doubt this is the first time you've taken a tragic and complex situation and tried to reduce it to "my SIL is just evil, in fact so wicked she must be mentally ill because no NORMAL human could be so indescribably awful".

Can't say I'd respond well myself.

I think this is one of those threads where the other side of the story (from your SIL's POV), would be needed to form any kind of meaningful opinion.

I think there is bad blood between you and you sent an email wishing her a 'Merry christmas' to provoke her knowing that her mother is terminally ill and now you are trying to justify your behaviour because she has called you out on it

From what I can see so far, I very much agree with this ^^ post.

Also telling her she's welcome to Skype the kids, could be taken as a 'fuck you, this is all about me and mine', under the circumstances.

Being mean isn’t a mental illness.

I think there is bad blood between you and you sent an email wishing her a 'Merry christmas' to provoke her knowing that her mother is terminally ill and now you are trying to justify your behaviour because she has called you out on it

I agree.

Your dh sounds potentially abusive, too. Seems like it runs in the family.

Your husband did not cause your miscarriage. Stress does not cause miscarriages. It is unbelievably cruel of you to have said that, and to still believe it. I had a late miscarriage myself and if my husband had even suggested it might be my fault in some way I would have been indescribably hurt.

I'm finding it hard to get past that really. I can understand why SIL cut off contact. I think I would have done as well. Though given your husband is violent and abusive under stress I think you would be better off out of this family altogether, tbh.

What a mess.

I am so sick of people blaming bad behaviour on MH issues. Educate yourself before you make wild speculations on such issues.

Sorry if I offended anyone re mental health issues. But I just can’t explain how she can act this way.
I can. She just doesn't like you, what you have said about her db, or the fact that you keep contacting her when she has made this obvious to you. Probably didn't enjoy her meal out being interrupted by a whiney kid who cried outside for an hour either.
Sorry, but she doesn't have to like your young DC either. Makes sense that she doesn't want anything to do with them if you'll be with them. The fact that she gets on well with dh's older DC, despite (you saying) her not liking his first wife either shows that she's not a complete all round bitch. So it's largely to do with how she feels about you...

We’ve decided not to send DHs kids to her anymore as we’ve done in the past two summers. Because she seems to have poisoned their minds about me as well.

There should be no 'we in this situation. The kids have a right to a relationship with their aunt that is separate from you. It for their mother and father to decide this.

You say the kids live in a different country so it may not be your choice anyway. I suspect the aunt probably communicates with them direct anyway if they are in WhatsApp.

Yes but we pay for their air tickets during holidays at £1000 pp, and pocket money. She isn’t loaded so won’t pay for it herself. Their mother won’t bother either.

Why on earth would you expect her to not only have her DNs to stay but to pay expensive air fares for them?

I would love to hear SILs side, I bet you’re at best “difficult”

AS shows that you really don't like his family - or him (DH) very much at all.

Up to you what you do about that OP, but blaming them for everything isn't going to work. You have to take some responsibility for your life.

If your kids are travelling somewhere, who should pay their air fare?

I don't think she sounds any worse than the rest of you. Why are you fixating on her?

It sounds like classic displacement. You've got problems in your marriage, as evidenced by many screaming rows during pregnancy and you still blame your husband for your miscarriage. You won't address these issues so they are still present and unresolved. And rather than address them, you've transferred them to your SIL. I would bet my house this is not the first thing you've transferred onto her or the first time you've tried to provoke her while playing the wronged heroine.

Don't get me wrong, she sounds bad, but she also sounds like a fair fit with everyone else.

I think the OP gets the message from everyone outraged at her suggestion that her SIL may have MH issues. I have MH problems but didn't take offence at the question (maybe that's due to my meds!)

I read it as the OP not knowing why her SIL continues with the hatred and digging for any possible explaination as to why she would take things out on 2 children and the OP's partner, however indirectly.

Christmas and leading in to a new year is a time when many people reach out to estranged family, so I don't think emailing her was goady. OP's children will at some point ask about aunty and grandmother and it will be difficult to explain why they don't speak to them.

Tiger, I would leave it as I remember getting the arse with my SIL when she tried to get me to speak to my brother when we where estranged. I was furious that the 'tramp' he chose to start a family with had the nerve to get involved in my relationship with my brother. It boiled down to jealousy on my part that he had a relationship with her but didn't want to know me for years. Unfortunately I only really forgave him when he became terminally ill.

Leave her to her anger and spite and focus on your immediate family and showing them what love and forgiveness is all about x