To think SIL has mental health issues

[Vanessatiger]

Back story: in the beginning SIL and I were okay with each other, she lives across the big pond so visits were about once a year.
Then I had a miscarriage at a late stage, was deeply traumatised. At the same time, she went behind my back and said to DH to dump me because I had told his mother that before the miscarriage we had a big row and DH slammed the door loudly and I got shocked and started bleeding.

They (MIL and SIL) said what I said was horrible about her brother and I deserved to lose the baby (SIL) said so.
Since then I had only seen her once. This was years ago.

Fast forward 4 years, I got pregnant with DD now 3 and DS now 8 months. SIL has never once got in touch and been silent whenever I write to her on her DS’s birthday and during Christmas. I feel I should mend our relationship for the sake of DH as he’s very close to his sister growing up.

So MIL has never met our DCs as she always made excuses not to meet them. SIL met DD once as a baby as was not that interested. DH has two DSs from previous and she dots over them.

Anyway on Christmas eve I sent an email to her saying Merry Christmas to her and her DS, wishing them a nice holiday. And told her she’s welcome to skype our DCs.

She wrote back with spite. Saying she dies not want to get to know our DCs because I’m their mother and that she feels sorry for my DH because he has me. That it’s inappropriate to wish her a merry Christmas as her DM is terminally ill. Then she added “ i want no contact”.

DH was deeply hurt by her email as she copied him in it.

They always had a good relationship despite being far away from each other, but it seems she now closed the door to him as well.
He’s hurt she wants nothing to do with our DCs. His mother already did the same but DH thinks it’s forgivable because MIL is old and ill. But SIL isn’t old nor ill so shouldn’t shut his children out like that.

We’ve decided not to send DHs kids to her anymore as we’ve done in the past two summers. Because she seems to have poisoned their minds about me as well.
Plus we don’t want our children to feel left out once they’re older.

Is she mentally ill or what?

“My stepson has diagnosed ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder, depression and bipolar, he’s 17 years old. He’s prone to violence, he says really outrageous things that a “normal “ 17 yr old wouldn’t say. He does really “crazy” things as well and behaves oddly,in a way that isn’t socially acceptable like laughing really loud at a joke and would overdo it. Would tell a joke at someone’s expense and harping on about it so the person gets really annoyed but he won’t stop until somebody stops him, even then he brushes it off and continues. He’s threatened to kill him self many times. He’s threatened to kill his brother. He’s lovely in his own ways but he has no friends because he doesn’t know how to be a friend and keep a friend. He’s been reprimanded for violence in school. He’d kick a kid for no reason (or actually he’d tell you he kicked the kid because they stared at him or something similar). We struggle with him because he’s very difficult to be with and is quite manipulative too.“

And we ship him off every summer to his aunt’s half way across the world, along with his brother whom he’s threatened to repeatedly murder.

Oh ok then.

Yes shifty... Apparently sil thinks the world of them both too. Can't help thinking responses might have been slightly different if all this had been 'revealed' at the start. Ah well.

I think you've had a hard time on here OP. I have not read the other threads so am not reading anything else other than your posts here.

It seems to me you are a person who seeks an explanation for events and behaviours. Hence your original question. Not everything or everyone can be explained.

You admit that it was wrong to blame your DH for the miscarriage and I think if your MIL and SIL were different people they could have overlooked the comments of a grieving woman. And certainly not take it out on innocent children. In later posts, you say they have cut other people off the neice, the Father of a child. This course of action seems to come easy to them but I suspect it doesn't to you which is why you have found it difficult to accept.

I believe you contacted her in genuine act of reconciliation at Christmas. Your SIL sounds like a bitter person, and you are a bit of a scapegoat. Whatever you would have written would be wrong. Don't beat yourself over that one. You want your small children to know their family. You have tried but that's it now, they don't deserve your children.

Its funny but rcent threads about step children's gifts from grandparents being differbt to biological children and all the calls for no contact until they are treated the same. Yet you are called out for stopping the late teenagers trips to US when your children are rejected. I would not be paying for those children to visit such a poisonous person. Persue your relationship with the boys but MIL and SIL can persue their own relationship.

I hope you step back now, you have tried. It is their loss. But I see your last posts, still seeking an explanation for behaviour ie she is annoyed with your DH because he can't drop everything for 3 months.

Start the new year without them. Let DH deal with them. Good luck OP