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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL has mental health issues

178 replies

Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 08:21

Back story: in the beginning SIL and I were okay with each other, she lives across the big pond so visits were about once a year.
Then I had a miscarriage at a late stage, was deeply traumatised. At the same time, she went behind my back and said to DH to dump me because I had told his mother that before the miscarriage we had a big row and DH slammed the door loudly and I got shocked and started bleeding.

They (MIL and SIL) said what I said was horrible about her brother and I deserved to lose the baby (SIL) said so.
Since then I had only seen her once. This was years ago.

Fast forward 4 years, I got pregnant with DD now 3 and DS now 8 months. SIL has never once got in touch and been silent whenever I write to her on her DS’s birthday and during Christmas. I feel I should mend our relationship for the sake of DH as he’s very close to his sister growing up.

So MIL has never met our DCs as she always made excuses not to meet them. SIL met DD once as a baby as was not that interested. DH has two DSs from previous and she dots over them.

Anyway on Christmas eve I sent an email to her saying Merry Christmas to her and her DS, wishing them a nice holiday. And told her she’s welcome to skype our DCs.

She wrote back with spite. Saying she dies not want to get to know our DCs because I’m their mother and that she feels sorry for my DH because he has me. That it’s inappropriate to wish her a merry Christmas as her DM is terminally ill. Then she added “ i want no contact”.

DH was deeply hurt by her email as she copied him in it.

They always had a good relationship despite being far away from each other, but it seems she now closed the door to him as well.
He’s hurt she wants nothing to do with our DCs. His mother already did the same but DH thinks it’s forgivable because MIL is old and ill. But SIL isn’t old nor ill so shouldn’t shut his children out like that.

We’ve decided not to send DHs kids to her anymore as we’ve done in the past two summers. Because she seems to have poisoned their minds about me as well.
Plus we don’t want our children to feel left out once they’re older.

Is she mentally ill or what?

OP posts:
Dozer · 26/12/2017 12:45

Your H’s behaviour was emotionally - and physically - abusive. Him being under stress at the time is no excuse.

But your distress in experiencing his abuse is very, very unlikely to have caused the tragic miscarriage.

Fitbitironic · 26/12/2017 12:56

Yes but we pay for their air tickets during holidays at £1000 pp, and pocket money. She isn’t loaded so won’t pay for it herself. Their mother won’t bother either.

And? They're your dh's kids too, so he should be paying something. Nothing to do with sil, so why involve her in this reasoning? You do sound like you've got it in for her with these subsequent updates...

wildbluebelles · 26/12/2017 13:07

Yes but we pay for their air tickets during holidays at £1000 pp, and pocket money

You have said on another thread that you do not work and that your DH is a high earner. They are his children and it is perfectly fine for him to pay for flights. You have also said on another thread that you bitterly resent your DH's ex-wife as well as your MIL and SIL (although on that thread you said the SIL was the scapegoat rather than being a narc herself). Maybe the issue is you rather than everyone around you.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 13:35

We can pay for them going somewhere else not to SIL.
When you’re married money is pooled, it’s not his or hers.

Obviously the problem is ME rolls eyes
So you think it’s perfectly fine for MIL and SIL to take it out on our children? I feel bad because my daughter did ask us about her daddy’s family the other day. Just before Christmas, I think that was what prompted me to write to her to “reconciliate”.

SIL is the scapegoat but also an ally with MIL. She’s turning into her mother though.

OP posts:
wherethevioletsgrow · 26/12/2017 13:44

We can pay for them going somewhere else not to SIL
When you’re married money is pooled, it’s not his or hers

Legally, no it isn't (at least not in the UK and all other jurisdictions that don't have a community of property regime anyway). Him spending money on his children is not something you have a say over. And I am horrified that you want to wreck their relationship with their aunt just because you don't get on with her. On what planet is that OK?

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 13:56

I’m sorry but if she doesn’t accept our children, we won’t facilitate contact and pay for them to go see an aunt who rejects their half siblings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 13:58

If she wants to see them, the onus is on her.
She would need to pay and facilitate the contact.

OP posts:
RyanStartedTheFire · 26/12/2017 13:59

You're punishing the kids by taking a family member away from them you know.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 14:00

We aren’t wrecking their relationship, but it won’t be okay for us that SIL thinks she can still enjoy a good relationship with DH and stepsons despite being so vitriolic towards their family member.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 26/12/2017 14:01

She’s not taking it out on your dc, she just doesn’t want to see you and I think you’ve quite deliberately contacted her for her reaction. Your DH sounds violent. Does he still react poorly to stress?

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 14:02

Like i said, if she wants to see them she can pay, they can still skype and email so not really taking a relative from them. Most people don’t get to fly to see their relatives every year anyway. The kids are late teens.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 14:04

Maelstrop, no, I contacted her because my DD asked about her daddy’s family. They did some project at school before Christmas about family where they drew their family and talked about grandparents and mummy and daddy’s siblings etc. so no not for reaction. DH was behind me on contacting her.

DH not violent now, he still has his shortcomings but far from violent. He’s a decent human being with his flaws.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 26/12/2017 14:05

Why did you ask if you were being unreasonable?

Graphista · 26/12/2017 14:05

Wow all the adults in this sound as bad as each other! I wouldn't want anything to do with you either!

And I don't care how many times it's been said your thread title, op and continued disgusting ignorance and saying mental illness = bad behaviour is bigoted stigmatised crap and bloody offensive!

Leave your sil alone, she has CHOSEN to not have contact with you that is her right, you have no right to try and enforce contact.

daisychain01 · 26/12/2017 14:07

OP this is how toxic family relationships flourish. You are just adding fuel to the fire.

At this stage it's well beyond who was right or wrong. The relationship is shot to pieces and any hope you might have of your SIL wanting anything to do with your branch of the family is futile. She isn't interested, she's made it very clear. It doesn't make her demented, evil or whatever, it's her right to choose.

You need to find a way of moving forward, but it seems you are stuck. Maybe some counselling CBT etc could be useful so you can reconcile the situation rather than rubbing salt on what is obviously an open wound for all concerned.

LavenderDoll · 26/12/2017 14:09

You accused her brother of causing a miscarriage
You message her wishing her a merry Christmas when her mother is terminally ill
You bandy about mental health diagnosis
I would love to hear her side
You sound bloody hard work

GrooovyLass · 26/12/2017 14:10

Ffs what world do some of you people live in? Yeah not nice to say her DH caused the mc but he's clearly forgiven her as they've gone on to have 2 more children.

And absolutely I'd stop paying for my DSC to stop visiting her - she can't expect to have a beautiful relationship with half of her DB'S DC but ignore the other half. Wouldn't be happening if it were my DC.

Why is a conciliatory gesture such as an email saying merry Christmas please keep in contact with my DC seen as a nasty thing to do?

daisychain01 · 26/12/2017 14:10

Within the next one to two years your late-teen DC will be making adult choices about their social networks and their future. What is a priority one day to young people of that age, becomes an irrelevance the next.

They have their lives ahead of them and keeping contact with a distant aunt is likely to low down their priority list than you are making it.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 14:11

I understand she’s chosen to not have contact with me. It’s just that it affects my DH. He doesn’t want contact with her anymore because of how she rejects his children. He’s the one suggesting not sending stepsons there anymore. It’s just sad that they were so close and now it’s over.

People can try to get over things but it doesn’t seem like she wants to. If DH was okay with me saying he caused the miscarriage and we moved on, why can’t his family? It’s years ago!

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 26/12/2017 14:12

Why is a conciliatory gesture such as an email saying merry Christmas please keep in contact with my DC seen as a nasty thing to do?

Given the huge back-story here, I'd say it is one massive great big hot-button the OP has pressed. And she's now experiencing the aftershock!

LavenderDoll · 26/12/2017 14:13

She doesn't have to get over anything
She doesn't have to want a relationship with you
Doesn't make her mentally ill
She has the right to not want contact with you

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 14:14

His mother has been terminally ill for the past 3 years... so no merry Christmas until she’s dead? Sorry it doesn’t work this way in my world. I’d still try to enjoy the festivities.

OP posts:
LavenderDoll · 26/12/2017 14:15

I don't believe for a second you sent the email in goodwill
With the massive drip feed /back story you knew she didn't like you so you would have been aware what could happen.
It's blown up in your face

peachgreen · 26/12/2017 14:16

If DH was okay with me saying he caused the miscarriage and we moved on, why can’t his family? It’s years ago!

Imo, that's unforgivable. If your DH has really managed to forgive you for it, that's up to him, but I don't think I ever could either.

Original poster
Vanessatiger · 26/12/2017 14:17

Honestly I did it for my daughter. I asked my husband if it was a good idea, he said yes because he was at the dinner table when my daughter asked about his family. So we both thought there should becsome reconciliation.

OP posts:
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